Don’t be fooled by this picture, Reader, for I have had a Very Difficult Time recently. This all revolves around tests and results of different types and it has been utterly exhausting. It also explains why there hasn’t been a blog for ages, as nobody has had time to help me write one.
First of all, a few weeks ago She felt very unwell with something called Her Sinuses – now I think I may suffer from sinus problems too, and it may be the reason I snore a lot. Anyway, there was a week of Not Being Well and a lot of laying around on the sofa looking like a dying duck (that wasn’t me of course.) Eventually after various antibiotics from the doctor (all negotiated by phone as nobody is allowed to see the doctor any more because of coronavirus) and some very strong painkillers from a dear medical friend, the situation improved. She celebrated by buying a new reed diffuser thing for the lounge which they use to cover up any bad smells I might make – now, normally one can smell the lovely fragrance of the reed diffuser as soon as one opens the packet, but She noticed that She couldn’t smell a thing and thought this was strange.
And so it was, Readers, that all the testing began. She went to the long stay car park at Stansted airport to have a drive through coronavirus test which I gather is very similar to going to MacDonalds drive-thru. It was such fun. Imagine She’s surprise the next day, however, when the test came back positive – then poor Young Lad had to be dragged over to the long stay car park at Stansted airport to be tested too. (Lad was away at the time, but don’t worry, he was taken to the now very familiar long stay car park as soon as he returned.) So the long and short of it was that She and Young Lad both tested positive and had to isolate for the best part of two weeks. This meant they had to stay at home with me ALL the time. No popping to Tesco, no trips to Costalotta, no meeting up with friends…just lots of quality time with me. Lad tested negative, you’ll be glad to hear, but he had to stay at home too. He was thrilled by this and spent a lot of time punching things and lifting heavy weights in the bedroom known as the gym.
Gosh, it was unexciting. All of us at home for all that time. To start with there was a heatwave – it was a horrid 35 degrees one day – so the large paddling pool thing was put up and I frequently climbed into it to wander around and have a drink. To be honest, Friends, having them all here all that time was quite annoying as day after day after day I was unable to get up to any mischief whatsoever. Weeks of good behaviour! Oh there was the odd moment of snatching food from Young Lad’s plate while he watched A Place In The Sun, or taking the cat food bowl under the dining room table to clean it out etc but this was all pretty small fry. I did rip up the recycling – the Young’s cod in batter box was my favourite – and throw it round the garden, but I had no opportunity whatsoever to open cupboards and steal things. It was very frustrating.
As nobody could leave the house, they had to rely heavily on friends and neighbours to leave shopping by the front door and then run away as fast as they could to avoid contamination – and I have to say I am very lucky to have so many good neighbours and friends. Really this service should have been kept to essential items and I’m not sure that a takeaway from Costalotta was needed but it was gratefully received. Twice. Dear, dear Ebony’s Pack Leader was very kind and ensured we didn’t starve, as did Tesco Home Delivery. The only problem with all these visitors to the front door (which was disinfected hourly) was that I had a lot of barking to do, as obviously it’s my role to bark ferociously whenever someone approaches our house – I became really quite hoarse through all the extra barking over the isolation period and got quite cross with Lad telling me to shut up each time.
So that was that set of test results. Then in the middle of all this, came A Level results day. Well, Friends, I’ve never seen anything like it. The chaos! Poor, poor Lad logged on to the website at 8am, helicopter-parented by She, and I sat on his bed too, to show support. By 8.30am I had tired of it all, as the website had crashed straight away and Lad still hadn’t managed to log on. Seemingly hours later, he managed to view his grades – please remember, Regular Readers, all those hours and hours of hard work that Lad put into his studying.
Look, I don’t understand the mechanics of it all, but suffice it to say that something called an algorithim, a poxy Government and stupid Coronavirus had muddied the waters of the A level results and Lad’s grades were not quite what he was hoping for – poor Lad and his friends (and thousands of others, She says icily) had missed out on their university places. The drama went on for DAYS, Friends. These days were spent avidly watching the news for Developments, or in Lad’s case patiently sitting in phone queues and being glued to the laptop. You might wonder where Young Lad was during all this, and that is a very good question – in fact, Young Lad spent five days on the Xbox with no attention at all, and when he wandered into the lounge one day during the six o’clock news to enquire about sustenance he was told to “SHUSH!” so wandered back out again. Poor, poor Young Lad.
Young Lad and I have been totally neglected for days.
Thankfully the situation has now been resolved and Lad’s grades (which were quite good, to be fair) mean he is going to University at the end of next month. I have no idea what this means, but I will miss him a lot. Young Lad says he won’t.
The day finally arrived where She was allowed out of the house once more, and I celebrated this on a long dog walk up in the woods and round Pheasant Field by rolling in loads of fox poo. Lad had to bathe me when we got home.
Readers, I hope you are all staying well and washing your hands regularly as you really don’t want to be in the pickle in which we found ourselves.
Take care and stay alert,