Gale force

IMG_1987 What a night!  Well, Readers, they said it would be windy but by golly, that was violent.  Both the wind inside the house, and out.  I was rudely awoken from my sleep at 4am by the howling gale, and the rattling windows.   I decided to go out in the garden for a comfort break, and took my time absorbing the atmosphere of a hurricane.  It was quite magical, spoilt only by the screeching at me to hurryup and bldywellgetbackin.   No sooner had we settled back to sleep, than Gingercat started yowling from the kitchen to be let in.  This went down like a lead balloon.  Gingercat and I were exhausted by the time everyone left for school and work, and needed another sleep.  It was quite funny, Friends, because as they were all getting ready this morning, the lights kept flickering and a Power Cut loomed.  There was some shouting of hurryup and getintheshower  & usethehairdryer before the power goes off.  They seemed to be dashing around a lot (well, not Lad, obviously) and there was some frantic wondering of where the bldytorch is.  If they tidied out the disgraceful cupboard under the stairs, they might find the bldytorch.

In the diagram above, you can see me contemplating life, in a very nice armchair.  This is where I went Visiting the other week – I’d never been in this person’s house before, but felt strongly that the armchair had been put there for me.  They didn’t seem to mind and even gave me a cushion.  It’s nice to be appreciated for a change.

Readers, I have some Wonderful News.  My young friend J saw the Evil Vets at the Marsden Hospital yesterday, and they told him the horrible things they’ve done to him for three months have been worth it, and the Nasty Thing he’s got is now much, much smaller.  He will still have many happy visits to the Marsden and enjoy the Therapy Clowns, as some Zapping now has to take place – I don’t think this is the technical term, and it sounds much like squeezing anal glands.  But it is very good news, and J’s Pack Leader can relax and celebrate at ParkyCentres this weekend.  If she can stay awake long enough.  She and J’s Pack Leader are sharing a room, as they are well known for being complete lightweights and going to bed early.

I’ve had a lovely day at dear, dear Pippa’s house. We had a smashing walk this afternoon, but mis-timed this to coincide with a downpour on the way back.  We were soaked.  Thankfully Pippa’s Pack Leader is kind and caring, and rubbed me down with a towel.  Not once did she moan Ihaven’tgotbldytimeforthis.  When She came to collect me tonight, there was a discussion about how much I had smelled today.  It was a little undignified to hear them laughing about the moment I let one go, then stood up and looked round at my bottom to see who had done it.  It’s very childish, to be frank.  Anyway, dear Pippa seems a lot happier this week and I feel sure it’s my presence that has caused this.

Young Lad is exhausted again, having had to walk all the way home from school for the second time this week.  In actual fact, he had a lift with a friend’s Grandad, but has only just owned up to this.  So all sympathy for him has disappeared fairly promptly and he’s being told to turn off Chicago Fire and finish the thank you letters.  He appears to have gone deaf.  Lad is in the other room on the Xbox, but has been told firmly that Next Week we go back to Normal Rules.    He is looking forward to the Party tomorrow night where they will be able to relax.  He and She are glad they haven’t got  girl versions of Lad, as they will all be In A Bad Way at this party.

With a bit of luck, I may get some attention tomorrow as She may not be working.  This is excellent news, as I can do something Naughty while She “pops into town” after the school drop off, and then we’ll have a long walk.  Later in the afternoon, Grandma is coming to stay while She goes to ParkyCentres.  I’m pleased about this, as Grandma loves me unconditionally.   There was a big food shop tonight, in theory to stock up here for the weekend.  There seems to be a separate bag being organised, with her friend Gordon in it, some lemons and lots of snacks.  I haven’t worked out what this is for  yet, but I like the look of the snacks.  Good quality.

After tea tonight, He started bagging up the recycling, ready for the dustmen tomorrow.  I tried to help by snatching a plastic tray that had contained Lightly Dusted Plaice Fillets, and running off with it.  This is all part of Organising the Recycling and I didn’t take kindly to being chased.  Growling and snarling was needed.  

Well Readers, I’m truly sorry to break it to  you, but there will be no blog for a couple of nights at least.  I’m sure you understand why.  I, too, feel it’s selfish, but there you are. I can only hope She is wracked with guilt during the Many Activities, and thinks about all those of you for whom this is the highlight of the day.  I have recently been told of Readers laughing at bus stops while reading this, and snorting out loud in the Quiet Carriage of the 7.50am train to Fenchurch Street.  You will all have to go without my thoughts on life until Monday, I’m afraid.

See you soon,

Russell

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Epic Fail #2

IMG-20180117-WA0000 Ha ha ha ha ha!  OMG, I cannot stop laughing!  Readers, you knew it and I knew it.  The soppy Velcro Strips were never going to keep the food cupboard shut.  If you look carefully at the diagram above, you will see that I have simply opened the cupboard with more force than usual, which ripped the Velcro strips apart.  I know!  I didn’t even need to chew them off!  Oh dear, dear, dear…what on earth made them think that some annoying nylon  with a schwip noise would be a match for me?  Let’s give you a little tour of the cupboard.  On the floor (slovenly) her slippers.  Plus some Christmas Dog Treats I found.  Bottom shelf – my big plastic box of food. As usual, they hadn’t put the lid on properly.  Also on the bottom shelf, Spot-On flea treatment, and worming stuff.  I left these alone.  Next shelf up; pasta and rice.  It’s a mess, frankly. Third shelf; tins.  Boring.  But I didn’t knock them all on the floor today.  One day I will find a way to get into the Ambrosia custard and Heinz spaghetti hoops.  Oh, what a start to the day –  It was sublime.

Before long, Ebony’s Pack Leader came to collect me for a fun day at her house.  I had a smashing time, and was As Good As Gold.  There was an error of judgement, however,  when I was put into the car with Ebony to go somewhere different for our walk today.  I had a small problem with excessively smelly flatulence, due to the stuff I’d eaten from the food cupboard.  Ebony and her Pack Leader regretted choosing a different location today, as they were trapped in the car with my foul smells.  Had they stuck to the river, we would have been out in the fresh air.  I don’t think it was kind or necessary to tell me that they couldn’t wait to get out of the car, though.  I tried to have a good Clear Out while I was out for our walk, but it hasn’t improved the wind issue tonight.  One word: Eggs.

She said that She had to explain to Colleague today, what a Kong is.  For the uninitiated like him, it’s a rubber ball thing that you stick nice treats in, to stop dogs becoming bored.  Though in my case, it is filled with cold porridge, Jamie Oliver Brown Windsor soup gloop, or out- of- date houmous.  These are hardly treats.  Today was a tadge better as a few bits of Gingercats’s breakfast had been left, so that was shoved into the Kong.  Anyway, Colleague has learned something today.  It’s Wednesday today, which is never a good day in terms of giving me any attention, or on the culinary front.  Due to the bldyshortwindow between getting home from work and getting out to Indoor Cricket Nets, it is fish fingers and potato waffles.  Dreadful processed rubbish.

What other updates are due?   Ah yes, the Shark Jigsaw is still on the snooker table, still unfinished.  Nobody has attempted it since Christmas as they are happy to write it off as ‘faulty’.  Young Lad has still not finished his Thank You Letters, and LovelyDor down the road could be waiting for hers till Easter.  He will be exhausted tonight, as not only has he walked to and from school today (over a mile each way) plus had Cricket Training, but he also had to walk All The Way Home yesterday which is a 40 minute walk.  He didn’t even have the strength to stick his English homework into his book, so She had to do it as they were bldyleavinghome this morning.  Time. Management. Again.  And Although He took down the Christmas Decorations and put them away this year, He has failed to notice that the lights are still up round the window and door.  I imagine they will be too bone idle to remove them now, and keep them up until next year.  Shoddy.  Am I building a picture of where I live?  The blue paddling pool standing up against the fence to block the hole?  The Velcro on the kitchen doors?  The Dreadful Cupboard Under The Stairs? The Christmas lights left up and dangling?  Classy.

Oooh golly, that was a shocker that just popped out.  Even though I say so myself.

Lad is on the Xbox as a treat.  This is Not Normally Allowed on School Nights, but it is a reward for receiving some decent marks in his English and PE Mock exams.  Maths was a different matter, however, and there will be a Conversation later.  This might possibly involve the words Tutor whether you bldy like it or not. Gingercat and I will keep our heads down during this.  

He has just come in the door from work, and I feel a little sorry for him. In an attempt to be an Organised Working Mother, there was a pathetic bid to put the oven timer on today,  to cook jacket potatoes.  The idea was to set the clock, and the smell of jacket potatoes would fill the house tonight as everyone arrived home.  However, it was 7.15am when this was attempted, and way before the first coffee of the day, so there was no real clue as to how to set the oven timer.  The result is flaccid, black potatoes.  But, as we’ve now run out of fish fingers and potato waffles, He is going to be served up these potatoes, microwaved, with baked beans and cheese.  Luckily He will eat absolutely anything (including a dog treat once, I kid you not.) 

Just heard the weather forecast.  It’s going to be very windy out tonight, as well as in. Batten down the hatches, everyone – especially if you’re anywhere near me.

Well, my blog is being cut short tonight in favour of going to sit in a cold Sports Hall, watching Indoor Cricket.  It makes a change from the Jo Nesbo book  being the main distraction.  

Tell your friends, Readers – more views!

Bye for now,

Russell

 

Popcorn

20180116_180037 Evening all.   It says on the packet, “Proper Corn”, and I can vouch for this.  It’s great!  Just the right balance of sweet & salty, and low calorie as well.  So they shouldn’t be moaning at me just because they found this ripped- up empty packet on the study floor, when they came home tonight. They should be grateful I helped myself to a healthy snack, rather than half a large Toblerone (see recent blog.)  Anyway, I feel this indiscretion was justified today, because of what was Put In My Kong this morning.  Friends, you will not believe it.  Do you remember the cold porridge from last week?  This was worse.  As She and Young Lad left home, they threw me my Kong, which was filled with………leftover  Jamie Oliver Brown Windsor Soup.  Yep.  Congealed into a thick paste (that’s the pearl barley for you), bright orange (that’s the carrots for you) it was the texture of sick with Worcestershire sauce in it.  Utterly gross.  I ate it, of course, but really.  If anyone dares have a go at me about flatulence tonight, well I will have something to say on the matter.  After eating this cack out of the Kong, I had a quick look round and found an ice cream tub, which I took into the lounge. Unfortunately it was empty.  That’s when I found the popcorn, which left a nicer taste than the Brown Windsor Soup had done.

I’m so, so sorry, dear Friends, that there was no blog last night.  This is very disappointing, and it has been pointed out by several people that there was No Reason for this, as She’d had a day off.  It’s inexcusable.  The fact is, Young Lad had some English Homework to do which took Rather A Long Time, With A Lot of Help. Plus nobody had ironed the bldyschoolshirts at the weekend, so they had to be done.  Plus Young Lad had spilled something all over his blazer, so yet another bldyload of washing had to go on.  After all that She was too work-shy to get the laptop out;  there’s a new Jo Nesbo book next to the bed, and it seems this was more important than writing the blog. Poor, I know.  We had, in fact, had a relatively pleasant day.  I was heavily asleep in the morning, and didn’t really fancy a walk in heavy grey drizzle, but I was given no choice.  It was no surprise to find very few friends down at the river, as their Pack Leaders had more sense.  That said, I did bump into dear, dear Ebony on the way down and stopped for a chat.  But Ebony was on her way Home in the heavy grey drizzle, whereas we idiots were on our way Out.  We went over the bridge into the Top Field – I have to say, I haven’t seen the Bastard Swans or their offspring for quite a while now.  Long may it last. Hate them.  There was no poo or intestines to roll in over in Top Field, which was a shame, so I had to make do with being caked in mud.  Needless to say I was shoved unceremoniously into my bed in the kitchen when we got home, and told to STAY THERE.  I did, for five minutes, then walked across the light-coloured lounge carpet to my chair.

Dinner was curry, rice and popadoms last night.  This is one of my favourites, as the rice goes everywhere and the popadoms break into tiny weeny bits that fall on the floor for me.  In an attempt to eat more healthily, the jar of  Sharwoods sauce was eschewed in favour of Making Your Own From Scratch.  That way there would be no sugar, additives, loads of salt etc.  Readers, we all know that it was fairly tasteless.  The “onions lightly sauteed with garam masala” is no match for mass-produced salt and fat-laden curry sauce.  Anyway, everyone ate it  because they were very hungry.  I had a good time with the dishwasher-loading, as the plates were plastered.  Then He was given a very- out- of- date microwave steamed syrup pudding for dessert, while the others had just-in-date yogurt.  

During Coronation Street last night, I fell asleep very, very heavily.  I’m sure I wasn’t alone in this.   Apparently I was snoring violently and had to be pushed occasionally.  What annoyed me most was that when I woke up later on, I was rather bleary eyed and disorientated and they all laughed at me.   I don’t see what was so funny.  Yes my eyes were a little unfocused and my head wobbled a bit,  and I clearly didn’t know what day of the week it was, but it would be nice if I was greeted with gentle, reassuring voices rather than snorts of laughter.

Today was rather lovely, because after the Brown Windsor Soup and Popcorn incidents, it was time to go to dear, dear Pippa’s house.  Now, regular readers will know that Pippa was unwell last week, but she is feeling better and I cheered her up no end today.  I have this effect on my friends.  Except when I sleep in their beds and get right up their noses.  So I’ve had a super day at Pippa’s, and they very kindly brought me home this afternoon as Lad was home early from school.  Yes, this is the moment we’ve been waiting for.  The Last Mock Exam.  Dear Lord, it feels like this has been going on for months.  Today was the last one, which was PE.  You would think this was quite easy really –  how hard can Physical Education be?  Running, sniffing, picking up sticks, chasing squirrels, paddling in the river….  apparently it’s a WELL difficult subject at GCSE level.  Regardless, thank God they’ve finished.  Of course, this means Lad wants to go to another Party at the weekend, quite a long way away.  I’m sure he and the other Lads will sit around with a can of sugar-free Lilt,  sensibly discussing their mock exams and the Future.  While the female versions of the Lads are all drunk and throwing up in the garden.

I had to snap at Lad tonight.  He was about to shut the dishwasher door, but I hadn’t quite finished trying to get the smears of Macaroni Cheese off the plates.  Lad tried to be assertive by pulling me off and shouting, “No,” so I had to snarl and curl my lip, to  show how much I respected his authority.  The dishwasher has gone on the extra hot setting again.  As I write, Young Lad and He are cuddled up watching Eastenders, which is very depressing.  I find it hard to smile at the best of times, but listening to this grim crap makes me even more dispirited.  I’ll have a sleep, I think.

Tomorrow will be nice, as I’m going to dear Ebony’s house.  I haven’t tried to open the Velcro-locked food cupboard yet (I was too busy with the Brown Windsor puree), but I might do that before I go in the morning.  I’ll let you know. I’ll also be thinking of my Young Friend J who has to go back to the Marsden tomorrow, to get some test results.  This will tell him whether all the horrid things his Evil Vets did to him, have been worth it.

Who knows whether there’ll be a blog tomorrow?  It depends how exciting  Chapter Six of the Jo Nesbo book is.  Priorities.  Wrong.

Bye for now,

Russell

Bad spillage

nintchdbpict000000641364 Oh Readers, it was all going so well. In attempt to look like a normal family, a Sunday Lunch was cooked with all the usual components.  Just as it was served up, however, the saucepan with the gravy bubbling happily in it, was knocked flying.  (Much Bad Swearing).   It crashed onto the hard floor, ejecting a large quantity of brown goo all over the place.  If you remember, the filthy kitchen was finally cleaned on Friday.  Well.  Had She stopped what She was doing and cleaned it up straight away it wouldn’t have been so bad, but oh no – She was so desperate to eat her Sunday Lunch that the mess was just left for me to lick up. Readers, I did my best!  But the combination of glutinous gravy and my saliva was fatal, and it all dried in.  It was EVERYWHERE.  Over the fridge door, washing machine, up the walls, cupboard doors………dear God, it looked like a gravy slaughterhouse.  But more to the point, the Roasties didn’t have anything on them, which was obviously not really up to scratch.  

The Velcro strips have been stuck on the food cupboard door, ready to try out the next time they Leave Me Alone. I can guarantee I will either rip the Velcro Strips  straight off or they simply won’t be strong enough to hold the cupboard shut.  What a ridiculous idea.  I’m really looking forward to trying this out.  I was rather put out this morning, actually, as She was looking after the Young Cockapoo puppy next door, and decided to bring him into My House.  This got right on my nerves.  Not only did the young upstart keep jumping all over me, trying to FORCE me to play, but he even dragged my toys out of my basket and chewed them.  Now, I haven’t taken any notice of the toys for several years, but that isn’t the point.    I had to bark a few times at the little sausage, to put him firmly in his place.  Then I sat on the sofa and sulked for an hour, giving everyone filthy looks.  

It was quite a barky morning.  The Large Man Over The Back was in his garden, which upsets me.  And there was someone else with him, climbing up a tree to saw bits off!  This really irritated me and I had to let rip.  Then the nice neighbours on the left got into their car to go out, so I had bay loudly at them as well, from the safety of the sofa.  I wish people wouldn’t do these intimidating things.  

It is Sunday today, which is always a Spiritual Day here.  He shows his devotion to the Sunday Telegraph, especially the Sports Section, while Lad meditates in bed, and Young Lad reveres the Xbox.  She, of course, “popped into town” and reflected heavily in Costalotta.  Homeless Guy was outside Sainsburys, and was pleased with his Greggs coffee (still 50p cheaper than Costalotta) and a raspberry doughnut. However, the day had not started in a Spiritually Pleasant way for me.  Yesterday the White John Lewis duvet cover (look, new readers, take a day off work and go back to the beginning for God’s sake) was put back on the bed.  There is a manky old sheet put on top of this so I don’t spoil it.  We had a little stand off this morning, as I wanted to get onto the nice white John Lewis pillows, and She said I had to sit on the manky sheet.  She dragged me, bodily, off the nice white John Lewis part, and dumped me on the manky sheet.  I waited till She left the room and went back to where I started.  She came back in and dragged me off again.  I waited till She left….anyway, you get the idea.  This charade went on for about twenty minutes, by which time I was bored and went downstairs to look for food.  Those of you thinking, oh how disgusting that a dog gets on a bed -jog on.  I am not, and never have been, a floor dog.  And the time they tried to crate train me!  Ha ha!  Lasted half an hour. 

Quite incredibly, a Family Dog Walk was achieved this afternoon!  Lad and Young Lad, despite being in their pyjamas, were told that No was not being taken for an answer, and they had to put Old Clothes and Wellies on.  It was splendid – we went over the bridge, up through Far Field and into the woods to the Pheasant Field.  It was a long, muddy and gorgeous-smelling walk.  Several times, I thought I saw some prey and took off at a cracking pace, so that Lad had to run after me.  I didn’t catch anything.  There were hundreds of other Families down there, out for a Sunday walk.  He always says hello to everyone we pass, which is very polite, but gets on Lad’s nerves, who prefers to put his hood up, head down, and make no eye contact with anyone.  Young Lad didn’t stop talking for the entire 3 miles, and it was complete claptrap.  But I did have a lovely time, and am exhausted now.

Other than that, it has been an afternoon of homework and bldylaundry yet again.  I think we are up to 6 loads this weekend.  Friends, things are rather behind schedule tonight as none of the bldyschoolshirts have been ironed and there is still a damp load of stuff in the tumble dryer.  She needs to get a move on as James Norton (that fine young actor whose acting talents are the main attraction) is on the telly at 9 in McMafia, and there are still lots of jobs to do. It bothers me that nobody has hoovered the lounge this weekend – standards are slipping even further.  Lad hoovered upstairs yesterday but seemed to feel the bottom of the stairs was some sort of geographical border so put the hoover away.  He has ordered a pair of Designer Jeans tonight, which will make a pleasant change from the Designer Tracksuits, but there was lots of old fuddy duddy comments about “how much?!!!” and “they’ve got rips in them, how much?!!!”  Lad says they are out of touch.  I could have ripped some for him for a fraction of the price.

Well, Young Lad is now on his fifth episode of Chicago Fire of the weekend, which is helping me to sleep deeply.  Don’t worry, he has done some homework too – this morning he had to write six important facts about the life of Muhammad.  Wearisome or what.

I will let you know how I get on with the Velcro. I think we know how I will get on with it.

Bye for now,

Russell

 

 

Epic Fail

crying-woman Oh Readers, I was crying with laughter, watching her try to fit a bolt onto the Food Cupboard Door.  I did tell you it was never going to happen.  For a start, the bolt that was purchased was far too small for the door; I mean, is it not logical to think about the size needed?  So I laughed and laughed, as I watched her holding this soppy little bolt in various positions, trying to find a way to fit it.  Even more amusingly, She has lost the receipt so has bldywasted threepoundfifty in the process.  The only thing that stopped me laughing, was that the Man in Q&B suggested She tries Self-Adhesive Velcro to keep the door out of my grasp.  I can’t see that working either.  And it will look dreadful, but they won’t care.  The blue paddling pool (see earlier blog) is still piled on top of the garden table to block off the hole in the fence; such is the squalor in which we live here. She “popped into town” this morning and scoured the shops until the Self Adhesive Velcro was found.  I’ll let you know how this goes.  Personally I think the Man in Q&B knew that the silly little bolt She was holding was never going to work, but a sale is a sale.

A good walk this morning, Readers.  Due to the concerns caused by standing on the bathroom scales this week, we had to do a 3.5 mile power walk through Top Field AND Far Field.   I slowed things down a lot by stopping to pee on every molehill, and the moles had been very busy last night.  I was shouted at several times and told to hurry up.  The walk was marched in time to Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” today – no, I’ve no idea why.  I imagine there is a lesson in there somewhere. I was TOTALLY cheesed off in Far Field, when a Spaniel’s Pack Leader told her that there was a dead bird up ahead, and her dog had tried to roll in it. So of course, I was put on the lead before I could smear blackbird intestine under my neck.  This annoyed the hell out of me.  The whole point of a walk in the fields and woods is to embrace the smells and textures of nature.  That texture and smell would have been very special.  The walk back home was a little stressful.  I bounced up to a spaniel that I didn’t know, but I momentarily forgot the words for “hey, let’s play and be friends” and accidentally growled and snapped at him.  I was told off.  A few hundred yards later, a Pug with a Christmas Jumper on made a beeline for me and didn’t look friendly.  She said it was karma. Then we suddenly had to increase our pace drastically, as we had been walking fast for and hour and a quarter, and the pelvic floor problem was beginning to rear its head.  It’s possible that the pint of Diet Coke at the end of the Evening Out Socialising last night, contributed to this.  Anyway, we made it through the front door JUST in time, and thank the Lord there is a downstairs toilet.

Last night was fairly peaceful here, as Lad was on the Xbox all evening in the other room.  There was NOTHING on telly, apparently, so He and Young Lad ended up watching three episodes of Chicago Fire.  How much drama involving fires and explosions does anyone need?  Drivel.  I slept through it.  She, of course, was out Selfish Socialising. It was a very nice evening, apparently, with wine and Sharing Platters but I’m not sure She understood the ‘sharing’ aspect of Sharing Platters.  I would struggle with that, too.  It was Very Late by the time She went to bed, and we rewarded this by Gingercat yowling at 5.30am, an alarm clock going off at 6am (necessitating a stagger round the bedrooms without her glasses on to work out whose bastard alarm clock it was), and then I needed a comfort break at 7am.  I sensed some tetchiness this morning.

Readers, in an attempt to do something about the problems with the bathroom scales, a decision has been made to eat a little more healthily.  So Jamie Oliver’s Brown Windsor Soup has just been made, for lunch.  It involved finding the dregs of some pearl barley at the back of the cupboard, scraping out some very old Marmite, and a dash of also very old Worcester sauce.  It has taken an hour to make, and looks like what was on the bridge the other day (you’ll have to go back a blog or two, or use your imagination.) Still, lessons have been learned.  Pearl barley doesn’t break down in the blender.  The whole thing is reminiscent of baby food.  I’d eat it though.  

Lad has just struggled out of bed for lunch, and has an afternoon of PE revision ahead of him, if he ever getsoffthebldyphone. Young Lad put away three bags of food shopping this morning, and is consequently exhausted.  He, too, has homework to do this afternoon.  There is a discussion going on about whether this requires one to be out of one’s bldy pyjamas and dressed.  Young Lad feels not.  At the moment, Young Lad and Lad are sitting in their onesies discussing the variety of names for male genitalia.  She is trying to get through 4 loads of bldywashing including the duvet covers and sheets, as apparently Gingercat and I have got on people’s beds with muddy paws.  On the subject of Gingercat, I feel he is being very neglected.  His fur is becoming a bit thick and matted – not sleek and shiny like mine – and nobody ever bothers to comb him.  I don’t feel that “it’s a rightbldyfaff” is a very caring attitude.  It is on her List of Jobs to do today, but we all know how effective that is.

The Allocated Food List for the weekend at ParkyCenters has come through. She has been allocated “cakes” and “butter/spreads.”  This is disappointing, as She wanted to make the Chocolate Baileys Cheesecake for the three thousandth time.  Cheesecake is in the Desserts category, though, and someone else has this.  So She must stick to Lemon Drizzle and Shortbread.  We all know what the kitchen will look like after these have been made – even though it was Properly Cleaned yesterday (not by her, obviously.)

I had a lovely day at dear, dear Ebony’s yesterday, though she did that new thing of dragging the fleecy lining out of her bed so I can’t have it.  Bit rude.  My dear friend Pippa is picking up a little, and feels a tadge better so I hope I can go and see her next week, as She will be working LOADS again. 

I will let you know how the Velcro locking of the cupboards go.  Don’t hold your breath.  Very impressed to see a viewer from Latvia!  Twice!  And I think Canada are joining in now, too.  Tell your friends!

Bye for now,

 

Russell

 

 

Bolts

cranked_stainless_barrel_boltA wonderful walk this morning, Reader, simply wonderful.  Despite the grey leaden skies and drizzle, it was three miles of joy.  First of all I bumped into Teddy the Copper Australian Labradoodle and we bounced around together a little.  Teddy more so than me.  Teddy was absolutely filthy, and it makes me wonder what their kitchen floor is like, as ours is disgustingly dirty, but I imagine Teddy’s Pack Leader has higher standards.  Teddy’s Pack Leader had a friend with her today – unfortunately he was of the skin colour that I don’t like, plus he had an American accent, which was all too  much.  I did a lot of merciless racist barking at him, and made a completebldy show of myself, apparently.  She then marched me over the bridge into Top Field.  This wasn’t a good decision as it was extremely wet and muddy, but having stood on the bathroom scales this morning and screamed, there was a need for a Power Walk up a soggy, uneven hill.  I thought this was rude and antisocial as we could have continued walking with Teddy instead, but She wouldn’t listen.  Actually, I’m glad we didn’t as She had already given some of my Training Treats (ha ha) to Teddy and his brother Alfie, and there weren’t many left.   There was some diarrhoea on the bridge, but I didn’t get a good look as She pushed me away sharply.  Anyway, once back at the river, who did I see but my dear friend Chuck.  Yes!  I’d only been saying the other day that I hadn’t seen him for ages.  We sniffed each others’ backsides happily for ages and Chuck seemed to have an extra spring in his step.  His coat was beautiful, and it glistened even though there wasn’t any sunlight.  Chuck’s Pack Leader hasn’t been reading my blog over the tannoy at Sainsburys recently, and I suspect this was a temporary thing to shut down the Christmas music.

Nicedogwalkerlady and her husband were down there too, with their three hundred dogs.  We stopped and had a chat.  On the way back, a squirrel ran alongside me singing, “Come and Have A Go if you Think You’re Hard Enough,” but as I was on the lead, I pretended I hadn’t heard to save my dignity. The squirrel laughed and ran up a tree.

It really was a lovely walk.  I’m sorry for the lack of a blog again last night – She was too bone idle  busy, what with Indoor Cricket Nets for Young Lad etc.  Actually, this is cobblers, Readers, as He went to collect Young Lad as She was lying on the sofa with One Of Her Heads.  Anyway, when Young Lad came in at 8.30pm, he announced that he had History homework due in today.  So some reading and essay writing was in order at getting on for bldy 9pm, on how William 1st  successfully controlled England.  (Castles, Feudal System and the Domesday Book, in case you want to know.)  I pricked up my ears at the words Feudal System as that sounded interesting, but it wasn’t.  I hope She gets a very good mark for Young Lad’s homework.  We were all very glad to get to bed last night.  I had spent the day at dear, dear Ebony’s house, where she quickly removed the comfortable stuffing from her bed so that I couldn’t sit on it.  This was inhospitable, and meant I only had the bare shell of her bed to sleep in, while she had the fluffy bit.  Yes I do realise it’s her bed.  Ebony and I had two very long walks and I was shattered last night.

I think the One of Her Heads was partly caused by Lad and Young Lad.  Driving to work in the morning, there was a panicky phone call on her mobile from Young Lad.  Worried he’d had an accident, She safely pulled over to the side of the road, to find out he’d left his Maths book at home.  Later on in the day during an Important Meeting, Lad texted her to say he’d just had the “shittiest Maths exam EVER, not even the NEEKS could do it.”  This was all calmly and gently discussed in the evening, and the Good Parenting model of reasoning, not shouting, was followed.  To the Letter.

Regular readers will be pleased to know that She has booked a Swedish Full Body Massage for herself and J’s Pack Leader, when they go to ParkyCenters next weekend.  The good news is that this clashes with Short Tennis.  It does, however, mean they will have to join in  Geocaching.  She and J’s Pack Leader hope that this is a nice walk through the woods, stopping off at Barstucks to sit by the fire.  I think we all know that it won’t be anything like this.   She has been ASTOUNDED that, having booked two bldyexpensive treatments, She and J’s Pack Leader are not allowed to use the spa facilities afterwards unless they pay for a spa day as well.  This is outrageous and a rip-off apparently.  My feeling is that if you will go to Butlins for the Rich, what do you expect?

Lad only has two more days of Mock GCSEs, thank God.  It has been trying, to say the least. I’m very glad I don’t have to do any of these things.

Do you know where She’s going this afternoon, friends?  To somewhere called Q & B.  To buy bolts for the kitchen cupboards.  This is a rather extreme reaction to my behaviour this week, but She is sicktobldydeath of coming home from work and finding the cupboards in chaos.  As if they are ever clean and organised!  I’ll let you into a secret here.  Recently, when in someone else’s house,  She looked in their cupboard under the sink.  It was immaculate.   If one needed a light bulb, one could see they were clearly in the light bulb box.  If one needed a brillo pad, these were carefully in a plastic box with neatly folded cloths. She came home and looked at ours.  I rest my case.

I am annoyed about the bolts for the cupboard doors.  But don’t worry –  DIY skills are so poor round here that I doubt they’ll be fitted properly.  It’s just another challenge for me.

Well. my dear friend Pippa is still unwell and I’m quite worried about her.  I hope I’m not the cause of her ailment.  I did get in her bed the other day, too.  I’m not sure if there will be a blog tomorrow night, as She is going out with her friend Madame and others, for a drink and tapas.  I  think I would like Tapas, not that anyone offers me any.  I make my own tapas.  So who knows if there will be time for blog-writing amongst work and selfish socialising.

Tell your friends – more readers needed!

Bye for now,

Russell

 

 

Spicy Snack

20180109_181223 Today was very confusing, Readers.  I was meant to be going to dear, dear Pippa’s again for daycare, but sadly she wasn’t well – or pretended to be ill as she didn’t want me there, who knows – and so I couldn’t go.  This caused a flurry of text messages at 7.30am to find someone else to have the bldy dog.  Thankfully Lad wasn’t going into school till a bit later, and lovelyneighbourontheright agreed to let me out at lunchtime.  However, all this change unsettled me, and I felt the need to raid the food cupboard once Lad had finally gone to school.  I knocked the tins onto the floor as they are boring, but behind them found a pack of Chilli Edamame Beans  left over from Christmas!  I know!  A very upmarket snack , and spicy to boot.  I cleared up the half packet that was left, and had another look behind the pasta packets.  Hidden away I found a pack of dog chews – about 8 of them – which was just the thing after the Chilli Edamame Beans.  I spat the packaging onto the floor.  I must admit I felt a bit puffed up after that so went for a sleep.

Lovelyneighbourontheright came to let me out at lunchtime, but I was finding it difficult to move.  The combination of chilli and eight dog chews was a bit bloating. Anyway.  Lovelyneighbourontheright cleared up all the tins that I’d knocked onto the (dirty) kitchen floor, and tidied up.   I just want to make a point here – there were a pack of Blueberry Muffins left out on the worktop last night.  This morning, the pack had been broken into, and half a muffin eaten.  This isn’t an issue for Neighbourhood Watch because I know who it was.  Gingercat.  He does exactly the same to packets of scones.  Just rips the packet, and eats the top part of the scone/muffin with his manky fishy cat breath.  Does he get shouted at?   Moaned at?  Nope.  Gets away with bldy murder, that cat.  (Be assured, She does throw out the rest of the cat-chewed muffin, and doesn’t give it to her offspring. The birds get it, and drop bits for me. Win win.)

So needless to say I’ve been told off, once She got in from work and found out about the food cupboard.  I heard her muttering that they’ll have to get bldychildlocks put on it – you would have thought this might have occurred to them several years ago.  She is going to add this to the bldylist of things that need a handyman in for, such as the broken light switch in the downstairs toilet (well before Christmas that happened, and still nobody has bothered to do anything about it.)  And an electric towel rail in the new small bathroom as it’s bldyfreezing and nobody wants to use the shower at 6am in minus 4 degrees.  And the toilet seat in the downstairs toilet that veers off sharply to the right if you sit down too quickly.

There has been other tension here tonight, Readers, too.  Lad is in even more trouble than me.  She received a phone call at work this morning from his school, to say he hadn’t turned up for his exam.  This was concerning, as it either meant he was still asleep in bed, had been involved in an accident, or had got lost via KFC on the way to school.  Much  frantic phoning around was needed.  Finally Lad turned up at school, saying his bus was delayed.  There has been a lot of firm discussion of the Need To Let People Know and Bldywellcommunicate   and Do You Know How Bldy  Worried I was  and that sort of thing.  Young Lad and I kept out of the way while this discussion took place.  In fact, Young Lad has worked quite hard revising for a Maths Test tomorrow.  I know!  I’m surprised, too.  Young Lad is in for a tricky day tomorrow, with PE, after-school Football Club, and Indoor Cricket Training in the evening.  This is a lot to ask of someone who rarely leaves the sofa.  I feel for him.

Dinner didn’t go down well tonight.  She attempted cauliflower cheese, mashed potato and baby carrots, but nobody liked it.  This is because all the vegetables were Old and Past Their Best.  She was wittering on about why do cauliflowers sometimes go allbldygreyandwatery  and there was a lot for me to clean off the plates as they went into the dishwasher.  I didn’t mind it being grey and watery.   It looked like glue.  Poor Lad and Young Lad. But I fear the addition of cauliflower to the chilli edamame beans and dog chews might prove challenging for everyone.  The scented candles (hooray, two have burned out!) have been lit in readiness.

I saw a viewer had popped in from Bangladesh today!  Welcome, though I imagine it was a mistake.  America and Australian friends – try spreading the word a bit further?  You are big countries, and I still feel your nation could manage more than half a dozen.

Tomorrow will be excellent as I’m going to my dear friend Ebony’s house. Here I will be allowed to sit on the sofas, get into her bed and generally make myself at home.  I am FED UP with the fact She is working every day, and intend to make my feelings known.  But at the moment, those chilli edamame beans are beginning to repeat a little, so I’ll settle down for a sleep.

Before I do, a quick shout out to my young friend J in the Marsden, who only has one more night of horrid things being done and then he can go home.  J’s Pack Leader is looking forward to this immensely, as she has spent six days eating microwave ready meals.  I would love to spend six days eating microwave ready meals.  And I do hope that dear, dear Pippa feels better soon.

Bye for now,

Russell