Uncomfortable

IMAG0540 This diagram shows the trouble I had today, getting comfortable at Pippa’s house.  I had one heck of a job scrunching up the sofa cushions, to get them how I like them.  Even then, I was on a bit of a slope as you can see, and so it wasn’t ideal. I just had to make do. Sigh.  Now, Pippa’s house has recently had a lot of work done to it, and is Impeccably Decorated and Clean.  So it was better that I balanced precariously on top of the sofa, rather than shedding hairs on the new flooring.  I am thoughtful, like that.  I’m sure Pippa’s Pack Leader didn’t think I was out of order, treating her soft furnishings like this.  Anyway, I had a lovely day at Pippa’s, with people who are prepared to spend time with  me.  

The day had started really well, Readers!  Lad left his toast on his bedside table while he was in the shower, so I tidied that up for him. I left the satsuma though, as I’m not a fan of citrus fruit. Then, as soon as they all left for work/school, I prowled around and found a Tupperware box that had contained Tomato Pasta for Lad’s lunch yesterday.  Instead of taking it out of his bag and washing it out, the box had been dumped on the kitchen work surface, and I could reach it.  This was a right result.  It was a bit tricky to get the lid off – those Tupperware lids are bastards at times – so I just chewed through the bottom of it. Once I’d cleared out most of the tomato sauce, I chucked it on the lounge floor.

IMAG0536

Lad won’t be able to use that pot for his Tomato Pasta lunch again.

So all in all, a cracking start to the day.  Toast and pasta sauce, plus the Guilt Chew they gave me as they left the house.  Yesterday was fun, as well, as I went to Ebony’s house for daycare, with the other people who Give A Damn About Me.  Sorry there was no blog last night – but She was oh so tired yet again after a bldynice twoandahalfbldyhour  drive back from seeing Nana aged 86, who had her Big Operation.  It seems the traffic was a little vexing, so by the time She was home, had eaten, given some attention to all of us, it was time for bed.  Ergo, no blog.  Two words, Readers;  Light.  Weight.  Incidentally, Nana aged 86 was doing well, and since returning to the ward from theatre, hadn’t paused for breath in three hours.  I am very pleased that she is ok, dodgy heart and all, even though she still can’t stand the sight of me.  I don’t hold grudges.  Anyway,  being there for Nana aged 86’s operation meant She could spend time with her brother Funnygit, in the hospital coffee shop.  This is always a Pleasure, and how they laughed as they bickered over whether to walk up the stairs to the ward or get the lift.  (Funnygit insisted on the lift.  There are only 2 floors, and I feel this is a poor show.)  Thankfully, He, Lad and Young Lad all managed to survive while She was away, and they managed the staple fish fingers and chips, which is the default meal when Pack Leader is not here.  Some vegetables wouldn’t have gone amiss, though.

Young Lad has had to walk all the way home from school by himself the last two days.  This is known as being a Latchkey Kid.  It is a very long walk and one would feel sorry for him, if he hadn’t let slip that a friend’s Mum also felt sorry for him and gave him a lift.  Young Lad enjoys being the first one home in the afternoon.  It enables him to sit on his backside in front of the Xbox with nobody nagging him.  He has been told he needs to draw the curtains, put on the lights/heating, feed Gingercat and me, and change out of his school uniform BEFORE he goes on the Xbox, but this is a lot of instructions to process, and it’s not surprising that he doesn’t remember any  all of them.  Apart from feeding Gingercat and I, as we don’t let him forget.

Anyway, I’ve digressed.  Yesterday at Ebony’s house was fun, although I was not happy to see Ebony’s Pack Leader Male waving a copy of the Screwfix catalogue at me. He is a lovely man, but Is On A Mission to keep me out of our food cupboard.  He thinks he has found the answer in the Screwfix catalogue and is coming round to Sort It very soon.  I thought he was my friend.  What I do need to tell you, Readers, is that I inadvertently told you Ebony and I were both well- behaved on our walk on Friday.  This is incorrect.  I was well-behaved.  Ebony was appalling.  She ran off with a fisherman’s rod bag  and had to be chased all over the shop.  Then she ran back and took his other bag!  I know!  Honestly, Ebony was screaming with laughter the whole time,  whilst her Pack Leader was Beside Herself.  The fisherman was Not A Happy Man, but if you will go fishing in a popular dog-walking area, what do you expect?  My behaviour was exemplary.    Then yesterday, Ebony ran off and didn’t listen to her Pack Leader, whilst I stood still and paid very close attention to her.  And what do you know?  We bumped into dear Pippa down at the river!  My two very best friends in the whole world- we played and played, until Ebony discovered a foxhole and put her head down it.  It was a lovely day, Readers, lovely.

Well it’s very peaceful here tonight.  He has gone to watch Wet Sham yet again – you would think the attraction would have worn off a long time ago. Young Lad is seemingly unencumbered by homework (“it doesn’t need to be in till Thursday”) so is watching yet another episode of Chicago Fire.  It’s an improvement on River Monsters or World’s Craziest Weather.  Just. Lad is busy on his phone.Very peaceful, but  it  won’t last.  She has just had a long chat to Nana aged 86 on the phone, and Nana aged 86 is Worn Out from a day of Xrays, Physiotherapy and other Tests. She still managed to talk without pausing for 23 minutes (this was being Kept An Eye on, as it was on mobiles.)  I, Readers, am exhausted from a day at Pippa’s today, and Ebony’s yesterday.  Oh what a surprise!  I’m farmed out for daycare again tomorrow as they’re all at work or school yet again.  

Why did they get me?  Why can’t I live with Meghan Markle?  I know for a fact she doesn’t go to work every day.  Or ever, really.

Tell your friends; you never know, Meghan might get wind of it.

Bye for now,

Russell

Foxy

Red Fox ClipartEvening, Friends – well, I had a lovely walk today and managed to find a nice pile of fox poo in Far Field.  Oh, I rolled and rolled – rubbing it hard into the area under my ears and all over my collar.  It was fabulous!  And the amusing thing was that I waited until She was miles ahead nearly at the telegraph pole, so by the time the penny dropped that I was rolling in poo,  it was far too late.  I  giggled at the hysterical running and shouting that went on. I can’t help it if we’re always on a tightbldyschedule – one of these days I might actually go for a long,  unhurried walk without time constrictions.  Anyway.  I was put on the lead and marched smartly back through Far Field and along the river.  Some Very Nicely Dressed ladies stopped to talk to me – I’ve no idea what they were doing down there, as they didn’t have a dog and were wearing pastels, – so I went all wriggly and lovable, but it was spoilt by the sharp, “he’s just rolled in fox poo.”  This wasn’t strictly necessary.  Lad has been told he needs to bath me this afternoon, but I’m not convinced he’ll get round to it.

So, Readers, I did warn you there would be no blog yesterday.  Indeed, it was bldytiring being in London all day with Lad and Young Lad, but you will be impressed to know they made it onto the 7am train.  This is no mean feat on a Saturday morning.  I was woken by the hairdryer, as I had feared, but used the opportunity for a comfort break in the garden, then went back to sleep.  Lad and Young Lad did very well, helping out with Doctor’s exams.  Although when Young Lad was asked if there were any other people close to him with medical conditions, I’m not sure they were looking for the answer, “oh yeah, the bloke up the road had a heart attack.”  Never mind.  Lad was of such interest to the Doctors that he was asked to stay behind for ages afterwards, so that a few more could stare at him and shine lights in his eye. They would have had to muzzle me if they’d tried such a thing.  Lad was very patient.  They both seemed underwhelmed with their Love2shop £10 e-voucher but money wasn’t the point of the day.

In the meantime, He and I had an absolutely brilliant day.  It was so peaceful, Readers!  We had a good lie-in, then later in the morning went for a lovely walk.  I was extremely well-behaved all day.  He sprang into action, taking down the Christmas lights at long last – thank goodness He read the blog the other night!  These lights are now on the dining room table, where they will stay for a few weeks.  He also did the washing, and we both needed a sit down in front of the football, after our busy morning.  When She, Lad and Young Lad returned from London, everyone was too tired to cook properly yet again, so it was Harry Ramsdens and oven chips, with green vegetables of course; their health is not completely neglected.  I can’t tell you how peaceful it was, just He and I all day.  Nobody to nag us or shout at us.

Then, all change this morning.  Admittedly everyone had a bit of a lie in, after the early start yesterday, and then She “popped into town.”  Homeless Guy was back outside Sainsburys – worryingly, his spot had been taken recently by a couple of other people, who were rolled up in sleeping bags sound asleep.  With a pot out for money. This seems unfair on Homeless Guy, who has been in that spot for a long time and become something of a regular fixture.  Plus  he smiles and says hello, and tells you his medical problems, (see earlier blog) and is very polite.  So it was a relief to see him back there today, and She bought him a raspberry bun to go with his Dreggs coffee, to celebrate.  Then, oh Readers, then my Sunday morning deteriorated.  Recently it has been Deemed Helpful to look after LovelyNeighbourOnTheRight’s cockapoo puppy on a Sunday morning while they are out.  (This didn’t happen last week as She was too selfish and went to ParkyCenters.) But today we were back in this new routine.  I don’t like it.  Cockapooo now comes round to our house, and bounces all over the ruddy place.  Round the rooms and particularly, round me.  It wants me to play, and I’ve made it clear on many occasions, that I don’t do this.  Well, this morning the flipping thing just would not take NO for an answer.  It jumped at  me, over me, beside me, on me.  It was like being attacked by a black mop.  The final straw came when I got into my bed, thoroughly disgruntled, and IT GOT INTO MY BED WITH ME!!!   I know!  That’s MY BED!!  I was not having that.  Absolutely no way – who the hell did he think he was?  So I growled and barked and did a minor snapping thing, until it got out.  How dare it get in my bed?!!  Pardon?  Did you say something, Reader?  “Isn’t that what you do at Ebony and Pippa’s houses and it really pisses them off?”  Completely different.  No comparison at all. I’m a guest there, and they should celebrate my companionship, not moan that I’m in their bed.  I’m not sure what “hypocritical” means, so it’s no good saying it to me. I was livid.  Eventually LovelyNeighbourOnTheRight’s cockapoo was taken back home.

This afternoon Lad has worked hard on his Art.  He has used some photos he found on her phone – one of the Bastard Swans at the river, and one of the “oh so gorgeous, just look at him!” muntjac from ParkyCenters last week.  Lad is doing some drawing focusing on texture.  The fox poo would have been far more interesting than the Bastard Swan or Bambi.  Young Lad hoovered the ground floor but said the hoover was too heavy to carry upstairs.  He also dusted the windowsills, but mostly this involved sitting on his bedroom windowsill playing with Airfix planes.  Not the ones he got for Christmas, they’re still in the boxes, but some old ones that Lad put together years ago.  After doing the hoovering he said he was worn out and went for a sit down.  In the meantime, He cut the grass and sawed up the Christmas Tree, taking it to the tip.  Thank goodness he read the blog the other day #2. 

She has had a long drive this evening, as Nana aged 86 is having a hip operation tomorrow morning, so is in hospital.  As usual, the hospital car park proved challenging for her, as did finding her way back to the main road afterwards.  I’m afraid the Best of the Seventies Cd was on in the car, so you know what to expect.  (By the way, today’s walk was in time to Take That’s “These Days” – how very middle-aged. )  So we have been left home alone for the night, but hopefully Pack Leader will be back tomorrow night.  I do hope Nana aged 86 gets on ok with her operation, even though she can’t stand the sight of me.

Oh my word look at the time!  McMafia has started!

Bye for now,

Russell

It wasn’t me

IMG-20180126-WA0002  This diagram shows quite clearly that it wasn’t me that threw a pack of spaghetti around the lounge this morning.  As you can see, I was sound asleep with a red fleece on my head, so couldn’t have been involved with opening the food cupboard door, helping myself to my food, and dragging an open packet of spaghetti around the lounge.  There was some suggestion today that Ebony’s Pack Leader comes in and trashes the house, then pretends it’s me, but I feel this is  Terrible Slur on her remarkably good nature.  Oh all right, it was me. It was a right laugh. I managed to cause chaos in the 40 minutes between them all leaving home and Ebony’s Pack Leader coming to collect me.  And don’t forget I had a Kong to clear out as well – tuna mayonnaise today.  An improvement on the half carrot from yesterday.  So yet again, Readers, I feel my time management and efficiency is something to be proud of – that’s not bad going for 40 minutes.  Oh yes, and by the way, the food cupboard had the stool AND a vegetable rack wedged in front of it, in a vain attempt to keep me out.  Can you imagine how nice this looks?  Elegant. So I had to drag those out the way as well. There was some swearing about all this and more muttering about bldylocks on the bldydoor but I can’t see them ever having the DIY skills to do anything about it.  The Velcro!!  Still makes me laugh so much.

Anyway, after Ebony’s Pack Leader had tidied away the three hundred pieces of spaghetti draped across the kitchen and lounge floor, it was time to go to Ebony’s house.  I’m sure this pleased Ebony a lot, but I still don’t feel it’s necessary for her to drag the nice comfortable bedding out of her bed, the minute she sees me, and sit on it.  She’s a dear friend, but very territorial like that.  We had a lovely walk – a beautiful day again today – and were much better behaved by not running off and ignoring commands. I arrived home just at the same time as He and Young Lad did, and we had a pleasantly quiet hour and a half until Lad and She got home.  Lad was In A Mood because he’d been In Trouble at school for getting behind with some work.  He now has a lot to catch up on over the weekend, and is showing great commitment to this by going straight on the Xbox.  Young Lad, on the other hand, had a commendation card for Progress.  This was a surprise to everyone, as he does bugger all, and he had no idea whatsoever what it was for.  But there you go, it’s nice to have some positives, even if nobody knows why.  She was rather late home due to bldyFridaynighttraffic and so some pizzas were slung in the oven.  To be fair, an attempt at Nutrition was made with the usual dull carrot, cucumber and pepper sticks – this is the sort of food you give two year olds.  But they all ate it hungrily in front of the telly (no sitting at the table on Friday Nights), watching Family Guy, which isn’t very suitable. I whined and stamped my feet, as usual on a Friday night, until someone gave in and let me have a crust of pizza and a carrot stick.  

Lad has been making tentative suggestions recently, about going to his first ever music festival in the summer.  Actually, his words were, “we’re going to Wireless, everyone else’s parents are FINE about it.”  There has been some gentle and calm debate about this.  I’ve heard the words, “grime culture”  “gangs” “drugs” and “overmybldydeadbody” quite a bit, but Readers, it seems the tickets have all sold out anyway.    So that’s a relief.  A nice gentle local music festival has been put forward as an alternative.  Lad and his ‘crew’ are still thinking about this.

Unbelievably, I’ve just heard her say is it really a week since Parkycenters/  Where’s the week gone/I had such fun/wish I was back there.  What a nice attitude towards her offspring and me.  There is, of course, always the option of taking US to Parkycenters, as I know for a fact that dogs are allowed, but that won’t happen as She’s too tight it’s too expensive.  So I’ll have to make do with the river as usual.  Day after day.  It will just be He and me out for a walk tomorrow, as Lad, Young Lad and She are going to an Important Place in London to help out with Doctors exams.  This is to help trainee Evil Vet type people qualify to become proper Evil Vet type people.  They have helped out with these exams before.  Lad knows more than the trainee doctors and can point out where they’ve gone wrong.  Young Lad talks complete crap and they are unable to come to a diagnosis, but it’s important to learn how to  deal with kids that talk complete crap if you are going to be a doctor.  Readers, the thing that’s bothering me is that they are getting up ridiculously early for this.  It’s Saturday for the love of God!  I will be very, very annoyed if they wake me up, and so will He.  We are planning a long lie in tomorrow.  I don’t want to hear the ruddy hairdryer at 6am, nor the twenty minutes of shouting at Lad to bldywell get up we’re going to miss the train.  I will be displeased if I’m disturbed at that hour.  On the plus side, He and I will have a very peaceful day with nobody here to annoy us.  

I was thrilled to see a couple more viewers from America last night.  At least someone listens to me.  I do feel the Australian relatives could broadcast it a bit – surely you’ve got a friend each you could get on board the blog?  Or put a note up in your local pet shop?  Really, it is only the two regular relatives who read this, and even in your very small town three hours’ drive from Melbourne, there must be someone else you could coerce into reading this.  Or are you all too hot in the middle of a heatwave……..you poor, poor  things.  Yep, beagles do sarcasm too.

Well, due to the Very Early Start and Long Day in London tomorrow, bed-time will be nice and early tonight.  It can never be too early for me.  I imagine Gordon will be out on the working surface tomorrow evening, as a whole day stuck in a train carriage or hospital with Lad and Young Lad will require a heart to heart with Gordon to get over it.  Lad and Young Lad are given a £20 Amazon voucher each, for helping out with these exams.  She gets diddly squat.  And for the second weekend running, Homeless Guy outside Sainsburys will not get his Greggs coffee.

Probably no blog tomorrow, Friends, as I will have behaved well all day and a day in London with Lad and Young Lad is a tadge tiring.

Keep telling your friends,

Russell

Torn

20180125_091251   I was a bit naffed off this morning, Readers, so I tore a nice strip of cheap laminate off the food cupboard door.  What had upset me?  Well, as they left the house in the usual stressy shouty way at 7.40am, I was thrown HALF a carrot to keep me occupied.  HALF.  This is pretty poor.  Yesterday morning I at least had my Kong with some left over cold fish pie stuffed in it.  Consistency of glue, but the smoked haddock still tasted nice.  But today?  Half a manky carrot.  I showed my disappointment while She had “popped into town” after the school drop, by tearing some more laminate off and chucking one of her work shoes on the floor. I was shouted at, of course, and the usual silly, “WHO did this/Did YOU do this?” routine went on for a while.   Tiresome.

It was a glorious morning at the river, though – absolutely beautiful.  Made me glad to be alive.  I really wanted a slow, leisurely stroll for a couple of hours – after yesterday’s double walk with Ebony (see further down blog) I was quite content with  gentle trotting speed today.  But oh no, it was the usual hard-paced stomping through thick mud.  Today it was to the tune of Elvis Costello, “Pump It Up.”  An improvement on the Benny Hill theme, but still rather dated.  Every so often a shrill, ” For God’s Sake Hurry UP!!” pierced the otherwise tranquil setting, and it got on my nerves, frankly. We’d seen Ebony on the way down there, so of course there was the usual discussion of which of us was the worst behaved, blah blah blah….Ebony and I were bored by this.  Dear, dear Teddy was down there again, really rather frisky today, but I didn’t want to chase around playing.  Can’t see the point.  Luckily a young cockapoo came along and jumped all over Teddy.  It was all a bit infantile for me.

Let’s go back a day, Readers.  No blog last night, as I had warned you.  This was ostensibly because Young Lad was at cricket so it was too bldybusy, but it turned out to be because She had to bring A Lot Of Work home with her, and didn’t have time for the blog as well.  He went to collect Young Lad from cricket due to this Heavy Workload.  I tried to help by sitting very firmly next to her on the sofa, but I had an itchy paw and evidently it’s verybldyannoying when you’re trying to work and something keeps scratching and jiggling around next to you.  I was sent to my chair in the end.  I’d had a LOVELY day,  friends, with dear Ebony.  We had not one, but TWO smashing walks!  Because Ebony’s Pack Leader is kind and caring.  The first walk was uneventful, but the second one was a little problematic.  Ebony ran off across the fields and wouldn’t come back.  This was unacceptable behaviour.  Then I picked up a wonderful scent – I suspect it was muntjac – so I couldn’t help taking off at full speed with my nose on the ground.  I had problems with my ears and couldn’t hear Ebony’s Pack Leader calling me.  Ebony and I then both refused to come back to her Pack Leader, which was Rather Fraught.  However, I eventually gave up on hunting the muntjac as I heard the desperate scream, “sausage”, and decided that was a better bet.  All’s well that ends well.  When we got home, we had to be hosed down, and then made to sit in the kennel outside to dry off.IMG-20180124-WA0001

In this diagram, I am lying comfortably on a soft towel in the kennel, while Ebony sits outside looking sad. I think Ebony likes it when I go to her house for daycare.

I know!  Two pictures in one blog!!  A first! 

There has been a fair amount of culinary effort here this week, to make amends for being away at the weekend, which meant Lad and Young Lad ate pizza and fish and chips. Monday’s fish pie took bldyages to make and stunk the house out, but was at least nutritious. Tuesday’s spag bol was served with lots of green vegetables.  Last night was a bit of a shocker – fish fingers and chips, as sobldybusy – but tonight we were back to form with homemade soup, jacket potatoes and so on.  The kitchen is filthy again.  I had hoped, as She wasn’t working today, that maybe the Christmas lights that are still sellotaped up round the window, might get taken down and put away. But no.  Neither has anyone noticed the lone artificial poinsettia that is still rammed into a picture frame in the lounge.  The NordicNonDrop Christmas Tree is slung out on the back patio, still  waiting for someone to saw it into pieces and take it to the tip. I cock my leg on it most mornings.  But on the bright side, LovelyDor down the road has finally received her Thank You letter.  Before February.  

There was a meeting at Lad’s school today, to discuss ways in which to help him with his Many Medical Issues and, I would think, how to get him out of bed a bit quicker. Rocket and backside come to mind.  Anyway, as Lad’s school is not a million miles from a branch of John Lewis, a decision was made to kill two birds with one stone, and sit in it’s hallowed halls for half an hour with a coffee and scone – thanks to the twice-yearly voucher for a free coffee and cake.  Never knowingly over-generous.  There was some loving hand sweeping over 220 thread count Egyptian cotton duvet covers, and a browse round the sale rail at the Mint Velvet concession.  As usual, the shop was exited without a Single Bldy Purchase due to the bldyprice.  Keep dreaming.

It seems my anal glands are a little on the strong side tonight, and I’m being moaned at a lot.  He is the only person in this house who still loves me when my anal glands are playing up – I’m not sure he notices.  Even Gingercat keeps his distance.  It could be a result of the fish pie, as my glands smell like an oilier version of it.  Meghan Markle’s beagle undoubtedly has problems with his anal glands, too, but I would think he gets more sympathy.  Anyway, if Meghan made a fish pie I doubt it would be with smoked haddock from Lidl.  Is there a Lidl in Kensington High Street?  Now there’s a thought.  Meghan would love me unconditionally.

Young Lad has a wobbly tooth that is very painful – he’s making a right ruddy fuss about it, if you ask me.  I’ve just emitted something that might take his mind off his wobbly tooth for  while.

Readers, I’m a little dismayed about the International Viewing Figures for my blog.  What’s happened to Latvia?  Spain?  Even China?   (Though I felt a little uncomfortable about that one.)  I’m down to a paltry one in America – had got upto 6!!- and the usual loyal crew in Australia.  Come on, everyone, share the love.

They’re all out at work/school tomorrow.  I’m planning a biggie.

See you soon,

Russell

 

 

Spag bol

spaghetti-bolognaise-104579-1 Excellent.  Tonight it was spaghetti bolognaise for dinner, which is always messy and leaves oily tomatoey residue on the plates. I planted my feet firmly on the dishwasher door while they were loading it, and refused to budge;  this meant I managed to clear most of it off the plates before I was shoved away.  It was fairly tasty, though a dash of Worcestershire sauce would have given it a little more bite in my opinion. Readers, imagine my delight when I realised a chocolate cake was being knocked up as well!  This was a Guilt Cake, to make up for being away for the weekend.  You would think that something with less fat and sugar would be more appropriate if you love your offspring and want them to live long, healthy lives, but there you go. Anyway, there was cake mixture all over the place as usual, which was a treat.  I helped to clean up. The kitchen floor has even been washed tonight – wonders will never cease.

Lad was at home in bed today, due to a Bad Headache.  Regular readers will know these usually coincide with Double Games, and yes, it was Double Games today. He slept until 3.30pm, so wasn’t much company for me.  I did try to cheer him up by running round the lounge with a cat food packet, when he fed Gingercat, and I’m sure the ensuing chase made his head feel better.  His Art teacher has kindly emailed him a list of things he should be Getting On With, which made him smile.  I think.

Oh Readers, it was a wonderful morning at the river today.  First I bumped into dear Mr Squibb, who was on his way home for a bath and blow-dry. I get a rough towel if I’m lucky.  Then, who did I see but dear Teddy!  That cheeky young Australian  copper labradoodle – we romped around for a bit but then I bored somewhat, so ran off to look for some food.  I’ll tell you what REALLY annoyed me, though.  Teddy’s Pack Leader asked her how the weekend at ParkyCenters went – and then, what do you know, they’re comparing notes on the spa! Not content with that, Teddy’s Pack Leader even told her you can go for the day!  DON’T GIVE HER IDEAS!  I was annoyed by this.  Thankfully my dear friend Chuck was a little further on, and his grey marbled coat was magnificent again today.  The white bits were as the driven snow.  He really is the most spectacular creature. So  I left Teddy and the irritating spa discussion, plus his Pack Leader’s friend who is the Wrong Skin Colour for me, and American, and I ran off with Chuck for a while.  The river was very, very high today and one part of the field was flooded so we had to wade through it.  I was soaked and a tadge muddy.  Further on, in Far Field, I needed a comfort break, and thought it would be funny to wait till She was a long way ahead, then drop it in some very long grass.  It took her AGES to find it!!  It was hilaire.  But 10 out of 10 for determination, and putting one of those little black bags to use.  What a shame She had to carry it for half a mile to find a bin.  Bizarrely, our ‘power walk’ today was to the tune from the Benny Hill show, going round her head.   Most of you will have no idea about this, and are better off for that.  I think it’s because there was an article in the Torygraph about the increased popularity of milk bottle deliveries and this subconsciously sparked memories of Benny Hill.  

Back home from our walk, I was really, really muddy. I was still annoyed about the spa day discussion, so I shook myself violently from side to side in the kitchen, and plastered both the floor and her Work Shoes in mud spatters. Serves her right. I was  then shut in my bed in the kitchen to ‘dry off’;  She had a cup of tea and did lots of important emailing and telephoning,  whilst simultaneously watching Big Little Lies.  I could hear some of this through the wall, Reader, and I don’t think it was appropriate at all.  I hope She was concentrating on those emails – Lord knows what might have been written.  Then I was left in peace with Gingercat while She went to work, and it was bliss.  All the bins had been put out of my reach, which was a bit dull, so I had to content myself with making horrid smells in the lounge.

In other news, Young Lad has finally finished his Thank You Letters, as He and Grandma pinned him to the table at the weekend until they were done.  LovelyDor down the road might even get hers soon.  I had hoped that Grandma might finish the shark jigsaw when she was here at the weekend, but she was rather busy with the Daily Mail and Young Lad’s Thank You Letters.  It’s been quite a peaceful evening here so far tonight, as He is reading the paper, Young Lad is watching Chicago Fire having been told to turn off “Craziest Police Pursuits”, and Lad is walking around with the new red fleece draped over him, sighing.  I’m hoping that they don’t push the chocolate cake right to the back of the working surface tomorrow when they go to work, as I have my eye on it.  Nothing will equal the 10 square inch, 3 layer chocolate birthday cake that I ate in its entirety on Lad’s birthday last year, but this small, feeble version would do.  Unfortunately, Ebony’s Pack Leader has a nasty habit of moving everything off the working surface when she pops in to see me, and I’m chez Ebony tomorrow.  Humph.

Friends, I can’t guarantee there will be a blog tomorrow night, what with it being Wednesday and all.  Young Lad has Indoor Cricket in the evening, if you remember, (do keep up with our schedule) and it’s All A Bit Of A BldyRush.  I will do my best, but there are only so many bldyhoursinthebldyday.

I bet Megan Markle’s beagle shakes mud over her Work Shoes, and doesn’t get shouted at. I still want to live with them.

Bye for now,

Russell

Crackers!

IMG_2008 Evening, Friends!  Have you missed me?  I’ve got so much to tell you, I just don’t know where to start. I suggest you make yourselves a nice drink and curl up with me for the evening; I’ll try to finish before Silent Witness.  I’ve had a cracking day being an absolute pain in the backside – this is payback for Going Away for the Weekend, followed by a Monday at Work!  What the heck.  This cavalier attitude towards me is obviously going to be met with some disappointment on my part, which I needed to express today.  So I pulled open the food cupboard as soon as She and Young Lad had left for school/work and actually managed to fully rip off the ruddy Velcro this time.  I knocked the Flea Spray onto the floor, and also my ear-cleaning lotion.  Hate both of them. Then I pulled out a pet hairbrush.  Moving up a shelf, I found the tin foil and dragged that into the study for something to do. There was a box of Ritz crackers at the back of this shelf – actually they were Sainsburys own Ritz- type crackers, as they’re too tight to pay for the Brand Name ones – so I pulled those down and was pleased to find they were open.  Stale, but open.  I finished them off, and put the box in the study next to the foil.  Still bored, I went back and pulled off a strip of the cheap laminate stuff that covers the cupboard door.  This is more fitting for the general slum-like appearance of this home.

And all this before Pippa’s Pack Leader came to collect me for daycare this morning.  I was quite tired from my efforts.  

Anyway, Readers, let’s go back a little.  As you know, She spent the weekend at ParkyCenters with friends, and although we had an extra long walk on Friday before She left home, and a cuddle over lunch, I was pretty hacked off when I saw her putting the overnight bag in the car.  So as soon as She had left on Friday afternoon, driving in blissful ignorance, I found her handbag and went through the contents. I distributed these evenly across the floor in the study and lounge – it looked quite pretty.   As usual, there were a couple of old Tictacs and half a Polo stuck to the lining at the bottom of the bag,  so I ate them even though they were covered in fluff. They were quite tricky to get off, so I had to do a lot of chewing through the lining and in fact ripped it into holes.  In case you’re worrying,  this is a Tesco handbag, not a Radley one. Then I dragged my box of dog food out of the “Velcro-secured” food cupboard and helped myself to a large mid-afternoon snack.  We all paid for this later with some unfortunate flatulence.    Grandma arrived later in the afternoon, and from then on I behaved impeccably.  Though I did still smell quite ripe, and she found it hard getting into bed as I beat her to it, and she isn’t used to elbowing me out of the way and shouting, “Move!” like other people do.  The weekend went quite smoothly after that, as I had plenty of attention and long walks.  Lad was away at a party, so Young Lad, He and Grandma had some peace.

Look, this blog is meant to be about me, so if you’re not interested in how She got on at ParkyCenters, skip the next bit.  I would do the same.  Considering there was a Satnav in the car, She found it remarkably stressful finding ParkyCenters as She had not chosen the “quickest route” setting on Satnav, and discovered many, many pretty villages and B roads on the way there.  (But then don’t you remember the Works Christmas Party, regular Readers?  Her colleagues haven’t forgotten. And will never ask for a lift again.)  In fact, this theme continued when She eventually found ParkyCenters but couldn’t negotiate her way out of the car park to the Lodge.  It took several attempts and actually exiting ParkyCenters twice to come back in, before it was managed.  This was very entertaining for the bored people manning the Arrivals Check in who had to keep waving her through.  In fairness, it is a bldyridiculous car park and the signs are bldyuseless.  Before night fell, though, the good old friend Gordon was unpacked and placed lovingly on the counter, ready for the evening.  Kentgirl, whose birthday was being celebrated, and the 300 friends arrived and a pleasant evening of food, wine and laughter was had.  Until Kentgirl reminded everyone about ten pin bowling having been booked for 10pm.  I quite sympathise with them- wild horses wouldn’t drag me out for organised fun at that time of night.

Oh dear, Readers, the theme of being geographically crap impaired carried on into the next day!  Having said a firm, “NO!” to the offer of  10am clay pigeon shooting (even I’m struggling to see the point of that, and I’m a hunting dog)  She, J’s Pack Leader and another, er, similar friend we’ll call Wancy set off nice and early to join the others for Geocaching.  In the pouringbldyrain.  Now.  Wancy and J’s Pack Leader aren’t known for their sense of direction any more than She is.  It took them 40 minutes to simply find the meeting point.  They were all to blame, but had a lovely chat on the way round.  The plan then was an hour of romping through the forest following clues and using some satnav type thing to show them the way.  Yes.  You’re thinking the same as me.  Track record with satnavs isn’t good.  And indeed it wasn’t, as this bldything “didn’t work properly”, but I suspect this is a euphemism for “sod this for  game of soldiers, let’s go for coffee.”  What a poor attitude – no resilience whatsoever.  And yes it was pouring with rain, but so what? There was another example of this lethargic spirit in the afternoon, when Short Tennis was bypassed in favour of the spa, with J’s Pack Leader.  All this nonsense about “J’s Pack Leader has had a Tough Time and needs to Relax” is a load of cobblers, Reader.  They just couldn’t be arsed to run round a sports hall.  I’m not sure they ought to be invited on one of these weekends again.  Even Wancy managed some energetic swimming.  Well, swimming.  Oh dear God, the number of times I’ve heard about the lovelylittle muntjac deer that visited them outside their Lodge in the snow…..what do they expect?  They were in a forest, for the love of God, and had thrown loads of bread out!  I’d have given Bambi and the squirrels something to think about, if I’d been there.  Anyway, Reader, She finally deigned to come home late Sunday afternoon.  Good of her.  The others all went home too, as luckily Wancy’s car keys that had been “lost” the moment they arrived, and had necessitated two days of emptying bags, turning furniture upside down and general hysteria, turned out to be in Wancy’s hoodie pocket.

I gave her a HUGE welcome, Readers, and did lots sliding along the hall floor.  I had even, and this is touching, managed to time a bad onset of anal gland blockage with her return and stunk the house out.  This wasn’t appreciated, of course.  We did have a nice cuddle during that very fine actor James Norton’s appearance in McMafiaa,a nd all was well with the world.  However, at 4.30 this morning my bottom was really playing up and I had to whine and grizzle to be let out in the garden.  This went down well.  Apparently one of the nice friends at ParkyCenters also has a beagle, and they spent much time comparing us.  We both have anal gland issues and stink, but my behaviour is worse. Allegedly.  Lad had been in charge of Cleaning yesterday, and had made a reasonable job of the hoovering, kitchen and bathroom. Young Lad and He were in charge of Laundry and School Uniforms.  This went well, to an extent, though there has been some discussion about what sort of things you can and can’t put in a tumble dryer.  The proof is in the pudding.

I have been scolded for my exploits with the tin foil, flea spray and Ritzish crackers today, but am now forgiven and am cuddled up, making shocking smells.  Pippa’s house was fun today, but I’m exhausted now.  In theory I might get a decent walk in the morning, but I’ll try to get up to something during the school drop.  I’ll let you know what I think of.

Bye for now,

Russell

Gale force

IMG_1987 What a night!  Well, Readers, they said it would be windy but by golly, that was violent.  Both the wind inside the house, and out.  I was rudely awoken from my sleep at 4am by the howling gale, and the rattling windows.   I decided to go out in the garden for a comfort break, and took my time absorbing the atmosphere of a hurricane.  It was quite magical, spoilt only by the screeching at me to hurryup and bldywellgetbackin.   No sooner had we settled back to sleep, than Gingercat started yowling from the kitchen to be let in.  This went down like a lead balloon.  Gingercat and I were exhausted by the time everyone left for school and work, and needed another sleep.  It was quite funny, Friends, because as they were all getting ready this morning, the lights kept flickering and a Power Cut loomed.  There was some shouting of hurryup and getintheshower  & usethehairdryer before the power goes off.  They seemed to be dashing around a lot (well, not Lad, obviously) and there was some frantic wondering of where the bldytorch is.  If they tidied out the disgraceful cupboard under the stairs, they might find the bldytorch.

In the diagram above, you can see me contemplating life, in a very nice armchair.  This is where I went Visiting the other week – I’d never been in this person’s house before, but felt strongly that the armchair had been put there for me.  They didn’t seem to mind and even gave me a cushion.  It’s nice to be appreciated for a change.

Readers, I have some Wonderful News.  My young friend J saw the Evil Vets at the Marsden Hospital yesterday, and they told him the horrible things they’ve done to him for three months have been worth it, and the Nasty Thing he’s got is now much, much smaller.  He will still have many happy visits to the Marsden and enjoy the Therapy Clowns, as some Zapping now has to take place – I don’t think this is the technical term, and it sounds much like squeezing anal glands.  But it is very good news, and J’s Pack Leader can relax and celebrate at ParkyCentres this weekend.  If she can stay awake long enough.  She and J’s Pack Leader are sharing a room, as they are well known for being complete lightweights and going to bed early.

I’ve had a lovely day at dear, dear Pippa’s house. We had a smashing walk this afternoon, but mis-timed this to coincide with a downpour on the way back.  We were soaked.  Thankfully Pippa’s Pack Leader is kind and caring, and rubbed me down with a towel.  Not once did she moan Ihaven’tgotbldytimeforthis.  When She came to collect me tonight, there was a discussion about how much I had smelled today.  It was a little undignified to hear them laughing about the moment I let one go, then stood up and looked round at my bottom to see who had done it.  It’s very childish, to be frank.  Anyway, dear Pippa seems a lot happier this week and I feel sure it’s my presence that has caused this.

Young Lad is exhausted again, having had to walk all the way home from school for the second time this week.  In actual fact, he had a lift with a friend’s Grandad, but has only just owned up to this.  So all sympathy for him has disappeared fairly promptly and he’s being told to turn off Chicago Fire and finish the thank you letters.  He appears to have gone deaf.  Lad is in the other room on the Xbox, but has been told firmly that Next Week we go back to Normal Rules.    He is looking forward to the Party tomorrow night where they will be able to relax.  He and She are glad they haven’t got  girl versions of Lad, as they will all be In A Bad Way at this party.

With a bit of luck, I may get some attention tomorrow as She may not be working.  This is excellent news, as I can do something Naughty while She “pops into town” after the school drop off, and then we’ll have a long walk.  Later in the afternoon, Grandma is coming to stay while She goes to ParkyCentres.  I’m pleased about this, as Grandma loves me unconditionally.   There was a big food shop tonight, in theory to stock up here for the weekend.  There seems to be a separate bag being organised, with her friend Gordon in it, some lemons and lots of snacks.  I haven’t worked out what this is for  yet, but I like the look of the snacks.  Good quality.

After tea tonight, He started bagging up the recycling, ready for the dustmen tomorrow.  I tried to help by snatching a plastic tray that had contained Lightly Dusted Plaice Fillets, and running off with it.  This is all part of Organising the Recycling and I didn’t take kindly to being chased.  Growling and snarling was needed.  

Well Readers, I’m truly sorry to break it to  you, but there will be no blog for a couple of nights at least.  I’m sure you understand why.  I, too, feel it’s selfish, but there you are. I can only hope She is wracked with guilt during the Many Activities, and thinks about all those of you for whom this is the highlight of the day.  I have recently been told of Readers laughing at bus stops while reading this, and snorting out loud in the Quiet Carriage of the 7.50am train to Fenchurch Street.  You will all have to go without my thoughts on life until Monday, I’m afraid.

See you soon,

Russell

Epic Fail #2

IMG-20180117-WA0000 Ha ha ha ha ha!  OMG, I cannot stop laughing!  Readers, you knew it and I knew it.  The soppy Velcro Strips were never going to keep the food cupboard shut.  If you look carefully at the diagram above, you will see that I have simply opened the cupboard with more force than usual, which ripped the Velcro strips apart.  I know!  I didn’t even need to chew them off!  Oh dear, dear, dear…what on earth made them think that some annoying nylon  with a schwip noise would be a match for me?  Let’s give you a little tour of the cupboard.  On the floor (slovenly) her slippers.  Plus some Christmas Dog Treats I found.  Bottom shelf – my big plastic box of food. As usual, they hadn’t put the lid on properly.  Also on the bottom shelf, Spot-On flea treatment, and worming stuff.  I left these alone.  Next shelf up; pasta and rice.  It’s a mess, frankly. Third shelf; tins.  Boring.  But I didn’t knock them all on the floor today.  One day I will find a way to get into the Ambrosia custard and Heinz spaghetti hoops.  Oh, what a start to the day –  It was sublime.

Before long, Ebony’s Pack Leader came to collect me for a fun day at her house.  I had a smashing time, and was As Good As Gold.  There was an error of judgement, however,  when I was put into the car with Ebony to go somewhere different for our walk today.  I had a small problem with excessively smelly flatulence, due to the stuff I’d eaten from the food cupboard.  Ebony and her Pack Leader regretted choosing a different location today, as they were trapped in the car with my foul smells.  Had they stuck to the river, we would have been out in the fresh air.  I don’t think it was kind or necessary to tell me that they couldn’t wait to get out of the car, though.  I tried to have a good Clear Out while I was out for our walk, but it hasn’t improved the wind issue tonight.  One word: Eggs.

She said that She had to explain to Colleague today, what a Kong is.  For the uninitiated like him, it’s a rubber ball thing that you stick nice treats in, to stop dogs becoming bored.  Though in my case, it is filled with cold porridge, Jamie Oliver Brown Windsor soup gloop, or out- of- date houmous.  These are hardly treats.  Today was a tadge better as a few bits of Gingercats’s breakfast had been left, so that was shoved into the Kong.  Anyway, Colleague has learned something today.  It’s Wednesday today, which is never a good day in terms of giving me any attention, or on the culinary front.  Due to the bldyshortwindow between getting home from work and getting out to Indoor Cricket Nets, it is fish fingers and potato waffles.  Dreadful processed rubbish.

What other updates are due?   Ah yes, the Shark Jigsaw is still on the snooker table, still unfinished.  Nobody has attempted it since Christmas as they are happy to write it off as ‘faulty’.  Young Lad has still not finished his Thank You Letters, and LovelyDor down the road could be waiting for hers till Easter.  He will be exhausted tonight, as not only has he walked to and from school today (over a mile each way) plus had Cricket Training, but he also had to walk All The Way Home yesterday which is a 40 minute walk.  He didn’t even have the strength to stick his English homework into his book, so She had to do it as they were bldyleavinghome this morning.  Time. Management. Again.  And Although He took down the Christmas Decorations and put them away this year, He has failed to notice that the lights are still up round the window and door.  I imagine they will be too bone idle to remove them now, and keep them up until next year.  Shoddy.  Am I building a picture of where I live?  The blue paddling pool standing up against the fence to block the hole?  The Velcro on the kitchen doors?  The Dreadful Cupboard Under The Stairs? The Christmas lights left up and dangling?  Classy.

Oooh golly, that was a shocker that just popped out.  Even though I say so myself.

Lad is on the Xbox as a treat.  This is Not Normally Allowed on School Nights, but it is a reward for receiving some decent marks in his English and PE Mock exams.  Maths was a different matter, however, and there will be a Conversation later.  This might possibly involve the words Tutor whether you bldy like it or not. Gingercat and I will keep our heads down during this.  

He has just come in the door from work, and I feel a little sorry for him. In an attempt to be an Organised Working Mother, there was a pathetic bid to put the oven timer on today,  to cook jacket potatoes.  The idea was to set the clock, and the smell of jacket potatoes would fill the house tonight as everyone arrived home.  However, it was 7.15am when this was attempted, and way before the first coffee of the day, so there was no real clue as to how to set the oven timer.  The result is flaccid, black potatoes.  But, as we’ve now run out of fish fingers and potato waffles, He is going to be served up these potatoes, microwaved, with baked beans and cheese.  Luckily He will eat absolutely anything (including a dog treat once, I kid you not.) 

Just heard the weather forecast.  It’s going to be very windy out tonight, as well as in. Batten down the hatches, everyone – especially if you’re anywhere near me.

Well, my blog is being cut short tonight in favour of going to sit in a cold Sports Hall, watching Indoor Cricket.  It makes a change from the Jo Nesbo book  being the main distraction.  

Tell your friends, Readers – more views!

Bye for now,

Russell

 

Popcorn

20180116_180037 Evening all.   It says on the packet, “Proper Corn”, and I can vouch for this.  It’s great!  Just the right balance of sweet & salty, and low calorie as well.  So they shouldn’t be moaning at me just because they found this ripped- up empty packet on the study floor, when they came home tonight. They should be grateful I helped myself to a healthy snack, rather than half a large Toblerone (see recent blog.)  Anyway, I feel this indiscretion was justified today, because of what was Put In My Kong this morning.  Friends, you will not believe it.  Do you remember the cold porridge from last week?  This was worse.  As She and Young Lad left home, they threw me my Kong, which was filled with………leftover  Jamie Oliver Brown Windsor Soup.  Yep.  Congealed into a thick paste (that’s the pearl barley for you), bright orange (that’s the carrots for you) it was the texture of sick with Worcestershire sauce in it.  Utterly gross.  I ate it, of course, but really.  If anyone dares have a go at me about flatulence tonight, well I will have something to say on the matter.  After eating this cack out of the Kong, I had a quick look round and found an ice cream tub, which I took into the lounge. Unfortunately it was empty.  That’s when I found the popcorn, which left a nicer taste than the Brown Windsor Soup had done.

I’m so, so sorry, dear Friends, that there was no blog last night.  This is very disappointing, and it has been pointed out by several people that there was No Reason for this, as She’d had a day off.  It’s inexcusable.  The fact is, Young Lad had some English Homework to do which took Rather A Long Time, With A Lot of Help. Plus nobody had ironed the bldyschoolshirts at the weekend, so they had to be done.  Plus Young Lad had spilled something all over his blazer, so yet another bldyload of washing had to go on.  After all that She was too work-shy to get the laptop out;  there’s a new Jo Nesbo book next to the bed, and it seems this was more important than writing the blog. Poor, I know.  We had, in fact, had a relatively pleasant day.  I was heavily asleep in the morning, and didn’t really fancy a walk in heavy grey drizzle, but I was given no choice.  It was no surprise to find very few friends down at the river, as their Pack Leaders had more sense.  That said, I did bump into dear, dear Ebony on the way down and stopped for a chat.  But Ebony was on her way Home in the heavy grey drizzle, whereas we idiots were on our way Out.  We went over the bridge into the Top Field – I have to say, I haven’t seen the Bastard Swans or their offspring for quite a while now.  Long may it last. Hate them.  There was no poo or intestines to roll in over in Top Field, which was a shame, so I had to make do with being caked in mud.  Needless to say I was shoved unceremoniously into my bed in the kitchen when we got home, and told to STAY THERE.  I did, for five minutes, then walked across the light-coloured lounge carpet to my chair.

Dinner was curry, rice and popadoms last night.  This is one of my favourites, as the rice goes everywhere and the popadoms break into tiny weeny bits that fall on the floor for me.  In an attempt to eat more healthily, the jar of  Sharwoods sauce was eschewed in favour of Making Your Own From Scratch.  That way there would be no sugar, additives, loads of salt etc.  Readers, we all know that it was fairly tasteless.  The “onions lightly sauteed with garam masala” is no match for mass-produced salt and fat-laden curry sauce.  Anyway, everyone ate it  because they were very hungry.  I had a good time with the dishwasher-loading, as the plates were plastered.  Then He was given a very- out- of- date microwave steamed syrup pudding for dessert, while the others had just-in-date yogurt.  

During Coronation Street last night, I fell asleep very, very heavily.  I’m sure I wasn’t alone in this.   Apparently I was snoring violently and had to be pushed occasionally.  What annoyed me most was that when I woke up later on, I was rather bleary eyed and disorientated and they all laughed at me.   I don’t see what was so funny.  Yes my eyes were a little unfocused and my head wobbled a bit,  and I clearly didn’t know what day of the week it was, but it would be nice if I was greeted with gentle, reassuring voices rather than snorts of laughter.

Today was rather lovely, because after the Brown Windsor Soup and Popcorn incidents, it was time to go to dear, dear Pippa’s house.  Now, regular readers will know that Pippa was unwell last week, but she is feeling better and I cheered her up no end today.  I have this effect on my friends.  Except when I sleep in their beds and get right up their noses.  So I’ve had a super day at Pippa’s, and they very kindly brought me home this afternoon as Lad was home early from school.  Yes, this is the moment we’ve been waiting for.  The Last Mock Exam.  Dear Lord, it feels like this has been going on for months.  Today was the last one, which was PE.  You would think this was quite easy really –  how hard can Physical Education be?  Running, sniffing, picking up sticks, chasing squirrels, paddling in the river….  apparently it’s a WELL difficult subject at GCSE level.  Regardless, thank God they’ve finished.  Of course, this means Lad wants to go to another Party at the weekend, quite a long way away.  I’m sure he and the other Lads will sit around with a can of sugar-free Lilt,  sensibly discussing their mock exams and the Future.  While the female versions of the Lads are all drunk and throwing up in the garden.

I had to snap at Lad tonight.  He was about to shut the dishwasher door, but I hadn’t quite finished trying to get the smears of Macaroni Cheese off the plates.  Lad tried to be assertive by pulling me off and shouting, “No,” so I had to snarl and curl my lip, to  show how much I respected his authority.  The dishwasher has gone on the extra hot setting again.  As I write, Young Lad and He are cuddled up watching Eastenders, which is very depressing.  I find it hard to smile at the best of times, but listening to this grim crap makes me even more dispirited.  I’ll have a sleep, I think.

Tomorrow will be nice, as I’m going to dear Ebony’s house.  I haven’t tried to open the Velcro-locked food cupboard yet (I was too busy with the Brown Windsor puree), but I might do that before I go in the morning.  I’ll let you know. I’ll also be thinking of my Young Friend J who has to go back to the Marsden tomorrow, to get some test results.  This will tell him whether all the horrid things his Evil Vets did to him, have been worth it.

Who knows whether there’ll be a blog tomorrow?  It depends how exciting  Chapter Six of the Jo Nesbo book is.  Priorities.  Wrong.

Bye for now,

Russell

Bad spillage

nintchdbpict000000641364 Oh Readers, it was all going so well. In attempt to look like a normal family, a Sunday Lunch was cooked with all the usual components.  Just as it was served up, however, the saucepan with the gravy bubbling happily in it, was knocked flying.  (Much Bad Swearing).   It crashed onto the hard floor, ejecting a large quantity of brown goo all over the place.  If you remember, the filthy kitchen was finally cleaned on Friday.  Well.  Had She stopped what She was doing and cleaned it up straight away it wouldn’t have been so bad, but oh no – She was so desperate to eat her Sunday Lunch that the mess was just left for me to lick up. Readers, I did my best!  But the combination of glutinous gravy and my saliva was fatal, and it all dried in.  It was EVERYWHERE.  Over the fridge door, washing machine, up the walls, cupboard doors………dear God, it looked like a gravy slaughterhouse.  But more to the point, the Roasties didn’t have anything on them, which was obviously not really up to scratch.  

The Velcro strips have been stuck on the food cupboard door, ready to try out the next time they Leave Me Alone. I can guarantee I will either rip the Velcro Strips  straight off or they simply won’t be strong enough to hold the cupboard shut.  What a ridiculous idea.  I’m really looking forward to trying this out.  I was rather put out this morning, actually, as She was looking after the Young Cockapoo puppy next door, and decided to bring him into My House.  This got right on my nerves.  Not only did the young upstart keep jumping all over me, trying to FORCE me to play, but he even dragged my toys out of my basket and chewed them.  Now, I haven’t taken any notice of the toys for several years, but that isn’t the point.    I had to bark a few times at the little sausage, to put him firmly in his place.  Then I sat on the sofa and sulked for an hour, giving everyone filthy looks.  

It was quite a barky morning.  The Large Man Over The Back was in his garden, which upsets me.  And there was someone else with him, climbing up a tree to saw bits off!  This really irritated me and I had to let rip.  Then the nice neighbours on the left got into their car to go out, so I had bay loudly at them as well, from the safety of the sofa.  I wish people wouldn’t do these intimidating things.  

It is Sunday today, which is always a Spiritual Day here.  He shows his devotion to the Sunday Telegraph, especially the Sports Section, while Lad meditates in bed, and Young Lad reveres the Xbox.  She, of course, “popped into town” and reflected heavily in Costalotta.  Homeless Guy was outside Sainsburys, and was pleased with his Greggs coffee (still 50p cheaper than Costalotta) and a raspberry doughnut. However, the day had not started in a Spiritually Pleasant way for me.  Yesterday the White John Lewis duvet cover (look, new readers, take a day off work and go back to the beginning for God’s sake) was put back on the bed.  There is a manky old sheet put on top of this so I don’t spoil it.  We had a little stand off this morning, as I wanted to get onto the nice white John Lewis pillows, and She said I had to sit on the manky sheet.  She dragged me, bodily, off the nice white John Lewis part, and dumped me on the manky sheet.  I waited till She left the room and went back to where I started.  She came back in and dragged me off again.  I waited till She left….anyway, you get the idea.  This charade went on for about twenty minutes, by which time I was bored and went downstairs to look for food.  Those of you thinking, oh how disgusting that a dog gets on a bed -jog on.  I am not, and never have been, a floor dog.  And the time they tried to crate train me!  Ha ha!  Lasted half an hour. 

Quite incredibly, a Family Dog Walk was achieved this afternoon!  Lad and Young Lad, despite being in their pyjamas, were told that No was not being taken for an answer, and they had to put Old Clothes and Wellies on.  It was splendid – we went over the bridge, up through Far Field and into the woods to the Pheasant Field.  It was a long, muddy and gorgeous-smelling walk.  Several times, I thought I saw some prey and took off at a cracking pace, so that Lad had to run after me.  I didn’t catch anything.  There were hundreds of other Families down there, out for a Sunday walk.  He always says hello to everyone we pass, which is very polite, but gets on Lad’s nerves, who prefers to put his hood up, head down, and make no eye contact with anyone.  Young Lad didn’t stop talking for the entire 3 miles, and it was complete claptrap.  But I did have a lovely time, and am exhausted now.

Other than that, it has been an afternoon of homework and bldylaundry yet again.  I think we are up to 6 loads this weekend.  Friends, things are rather behind schedule tonight as none of the bldyschoolshirts have been ironed and there is still a damp load of stuff in the tumble dryer.  She needs to get a move on as James Norton (that fine young actor whose acting talents are the main attraction) is on the telly at 9 in McMafia, and there are still lots of jobs to do. It bothers me that nobody has hoovered the lounge this weekend – standards are slipping even further.  Lad hoovered upstairs yesterday but seemed to feel the bottom of the stairs was some sort of geographical border so put the hoover away.  He has ordered a pair of Designer Jeans tonight, which will make a pleasant change from the Designer Tracksuits, but there was lots of old fuddy duddy comments about “how much?!!!” and “they’ve got rips in them, how much?!!!”  Lad says they are out of touch.  I could have ripped some for him for a fraction of the price.

Well, Young Lad is now on his fifth episode of Chicago Fire of the weekend, which is helping me to sleep deeply.  Don’t worry, he has done some homework too – this morning he had to write six important facts about the life of Muhammad.  Wearisome or what.

I will let you know how I get on with the Velcro. I think we know how I will get on with it.

Bye for now,

Russell