In this picture, Friends, I am extremely reluctant to leave the sofa at New Buddy’s house to come home to my own shabby dwelling. This is a regular occurrence these days – I simply do NOT want to leave, and make it clear by refusing to get off the sofa. Even when I’m being dragged off by my lead, I stand my ground as long as possible. I really do like my time at New Buddy’s house and am heartily sick of all the to-ing and fro-ing in the car. Recently dear, dear Ebony’s Pack Leader and dear, dear Pippa’s Pack Leader were both unable to have me for daycare – I know! The selfishness! – so I was dumped at New Buddy’s house for two blissful days. There I spent my time sofa hopping and sleeping, with nobody nagging me to go out for long walks. It was heavenly. We did nearly fall out over my dinner time one day, as I started reminding New Buddy at 2pm that it was nearly time for me to have my meal, but New Buddy went all alpha male like he does, and made me wait until 4pm exactly. It was rather churlish of him.
Anyway, the title of tonight’s blog is “traditions”, because it is Christmas and there are certain things that I always do at this time of year, much like yourselves.
I always, ALWAYS eat something really inappropriate that means a trip to the Emergency Evil Vet. A couple of years ago it was a box of luxury mini mince pies late on Christmas Eve – Regular Readers will remember this episode – which I demolished whilst my family were next door having jolly drinks and fun and not considering me. Mini mince pies contain raisins, which are toxic for dogs so I had to be taken to the Emergency Bldy Expensive Evil Vet who forced me to sick everything up. That was a cracking year, the mini mince pies year.
This year, it’s a box of luxury mini mince pies. Yes indeed, yet again I found an accessible box of Tesco’s Finest Mini Mince Pies with brandy, and dragged them into the lounge where I ate the lot. What’s that, Readers? You would have thought I’d learned my lesson last time? Or that Pack Leader would have learned hers? That’s a no on both accounts.
This time, though, Pack Leader was very cross with me and instead of taking me to the Evil Vet to have my stomach pumped, She shouted at me and called me an idiot, and said She was NOT paying good money to the Evil Vet again because of my own stupidity, and that I could jog on and take my chances. I know, Friends, it was wounding. Then Pack Leader was a tiny bit remorseful in case I passed away during the night from kidney failure, but not so remorseful that She stayed up and nursed me or anything. She just said, “please don’t die in the night,” and went to bed.
Thankfully I have the constitution of an ox, as I have proved thousands of times, and had no ill effects from the toxic raisins. In fact they were jolly nice mince pies with buttery pastry, and I would happily eat them again.
It’s not just me that likes to keep these traditions. Dear, dear Ebony was in trouble yesterday as her Pack Leader was about to bring a present up for Lad and Young Lad, but Ebony ate it. It was a box of Celebrations chocolates. Chocolates, like raisins, are supposed to be poisonous to dogs. Ebony was fine as she is made of stern stuff, like myself. That’s partly why we get on so well. Anyway, the Celebrations chocolates made a nice change for Ebony, as last year it was the entire rack of sausage rolls that her Pack Leader had just taken out of the oven.
I do like Christmas, as there is so much nice food around and people let their guard down with food and bins. Also, there are more family members around as nobody is at school or work for a couple of weeks and we all have nice lie-ins. Everyone apart from She is in a nice mood and full of fun, but She just says She is full of Lists and Jobs Still Not Done – thought quite why everyone needs clean fresh duvet covers for Christmas Eve, I do not know. Does it really matter?
New Buddy popped over to see me tonight and he was in a playful mood. As I refused to chase my ball round the lounge, and wasn’t feeling very whimsical (I could smell roast chicken from the kitchen which was distracting), New Buddy decided to throw my smelly fleece blanket over my head and watch in fascination as I walked around the lounge like a ghost. I’m sure this seemed a good idea at the time, but when I wandered near the lit candles on the hearth – look, I couldn’t see a damned thing as I had a blanket over my head- someone suddenly realised that fleece blankets are fairly flammable and perhaps this wasn’t such a jolly good wheeze after all. Give me strength – these are supposed to be mature, responsible adults. You see what I have to put up with?
But I can’t be cross with New Buddy for long, as rumour has it that he has made up a stocking of presents for me. She sighed and rolled her eyes and said, “he’s just a dog,” but we all know otherwise, Friends, don’t we.
I’ve also had my muzzle shoved on my face tonight as She said I can’t go anywhere at Christmas unless I’ve had some flea treatment, so I had to be restrained whilst the three tiny drops of liquid were put on the back of my neck. I whined, and bucked and tried to bite She, and made a terrible fuss – it might not seem a lot, three tiny drops of liquid, but I DON’T LIKE IT!
Gingercat will have his flea treatment tonight, too. We know how to rock Christmas in this house.
Lad and Young Lad will be forced to do Covid tests tonight and again tomorrow. I say again, we know how to rock Christmas.
Yes, Friends, Lad is back! Oh the cleaning, and tidying and primping of Lad’s bedroom that went on all day on Tuesday – the bed was made with fresh linen (see earlier point), smoothed down nicely to hotel standard…. a new, fluffy coordinating big towel was bought and placed artistically on the bed for Lad…..scented reeds were placed on a shelf….. Lad’s room looked lovely for his return from university.
Lad came in with forty five carrier bags of dirty clothes which he dumped all over the bedroom. The room looks like a bomb has exploded and it stinks. No scented reeds are enough to cope with eau de student’s dirty washing.
Young Lad is very happy to be off school for the Christmas break, and spends any time that he’s not on the Xbox asking whether he can have some mozzarella sticks/tempura prawns as a nice Christmas snack – when She snaps, “no, they’re for Christmas,” Young Lad reminds her that he needs to increase his food intake and She gives in. Thus Young Lad is tucking into plates of hors d’oeuvres and nibbles at all sorts of times of the day and She has to keep going back to Sainsbury’s to re-stock. This makes her cross. As does everything.
She had coffee with her good friend Loadsakids this week, and they spent the hour swearing and muttering about bldy Christmas and bldy teenagers and generally sighing. Everyone else in Costalotta seemed quite jolly but there always has to be an exception. I don’t know why they find Christmas so trying. Admittedly the fairy lights round the window keep falling down which is a tad vexing, but now that She has invested in some suction cups rather than slapping sellotape all over the place, things are improving. The pretty outside lights had to be replaced this year, so Young Lad helpfully held the stepladder whilst She balanced precariously and swore a lot as She put the new ones in place.
Young Lad had an EXHAUSTING day yesterday, Friends, as he had to go the barbers for a haircut, have a snack in Costalotta, do his Christmas shopping (three items in Tesco) AND was made to deliver cards up and down the road when he got back! I mean, one of the houses was three buildings down from us! It’s really too much and I feel dreadfully sorry for Young Lad.
Lad has gone out tonight, to a Town Far Away to see his friends, whom he allegedly hasn’t see for weeks. Even Lad has been put to work in the two days since his return – as She managed to do something to the freezer drawers whilst putting away another box of tempura prawns yesterday, and couldn’t get the freezer drawers to stack on each other properly. Lad was ordered to see what he could do, and luckily Lad managed to assemble everything properly once more. Well done, Lad.
Readers I am very excited as I am going to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at New Buddy’s house this year. There will be two adults (She and New Buddy though after the silliness with the blanket tonight, I’m not sure he counts), Lad, and three teenage boys. Just imagine the fun I’m going to have!! And the food! All my favourite people together in one place. She is already being difficult by saying that She normally listens to Classic FM whilst cooking Christmas Dinner, and would prefer that to Metallica, but it’s New Buddy’s house so his rules apply. Allegedly. He was quite rude about Classic FM. But I really am excited and think we will have a lot of fun this year.
Friends, wherever you are and whatever you are doing for Christmas, I hope you are in good health and see the people that matter to you. It’s been a funny old year again, and we all need a glass of something nice (or two.)
Merry Christmas, Readers.
See you soon,