Beast from the East

IMG_20180228_101123_270 This diagram, Readers, shows you how keen I was to leave the house and go for a long walk in several inches of snow today. I tried hard to disguise myself as the red fleece on the sofa, but unfortunately my nose was sticking out and I was spotted.  So, the snow finally arrived with a vengeance, and bldy inches of the stuff was dumped during the night.  When I needed my comfort break this morning, I had to DASH down the garden, under the bushes for cover, and then try to find a suitable spot on the lawn.  This was very, very difficult and I went round in circles for ages, trying to find somewhere my bottom wouldn’t actually come into contact with the snow.  Then I dashed back to the house and straight  back to  bed.  It was traumatic.

Just as traumatic was Lad and Young Lad’s wait to see if their schools were open.  Young Lad showed a bit more willing, by having a shower and putting on his uniform, whereas Lad took the less positive option of staying in bed with a coffee.  Ping by ping came through the emails and messages bringing those words of pure joy; “school closed.”  Young Lad ran round the lounge cheering, and Lad stayed in bed.  Only one person seemed less than pleased about this. She is such a killjoy.  Poor He, on the other hand, went into work extra , extra early to clear paths and make everywhere safe.  He has been out in the cold again ALL day.  He and I are both exhausted tonight.  So, an unusual day with nearly everyone at home, and piles of freezing cold snow everywhere you look.  Hideous.

Would you think there would be some respite from all the ridiculous walking, in these conditions?  Well, you would, wouldn’t you.  Scott of the Antarctic didn’t say, “Come on Rover, it’s beautiful out there, a couple of miles will do us good.”  Actually, I think Scott of the Antarctic ate his dogs because his Forward Planning was abysmal.  Or was that his horses. Hmm. Well, of course I was dragged out into the morning sunshine and taken down to the river.  I have to say, it was pleasant to see hundreds of children out sledging  down the one very slight hill, and there were lots of dogs watching.  One of them was Rocco the Inspirational Three-Legged Dog who was even more Inspirational than usual as he was coping with the snow on his three legs. The snow made some of the other chaps rather frisky, and as if it wasn’t bad enough going out in the first place, some of them wanted me to play with them!

20180228_110959 Here is a diagram of a very bouncy dog trying to make me play with him.  I didn’t want to.  I did make a quick dash for the houses where they often put bread out for the birds, but the snow was so deep I couldn’t find any.  Irritating.  The trouble is with this weather, one minute it’s blue skies and sunshine and you could be quaffing schnapps at Val D’Isere, but then seconds later Storm Norman blows in and you are blindly groping around in a blizzard trying to stay alive.  This is exactly what it was like at the river this morning.  Thankfully once the blizzarding thing started, we headed home.   On the way back I picked up a particularly attractive  stick.  Something went wrong, though, and I ended up with a large piece of stick wedged in my mouth.  I just couldn’t get the darned thing out, and it was stuck at a funny angle behind my teeth, so I couldn’t shut my mouth.  I looked ridiculous.  Once home, I was given a carrot to chew on, and this did the trick.

As well as Lad and Young Lad’s company today (I use the term ‘company’ loosely here), we also had The Friendly Electrician round to Do A Job.  This was nice, as he pays  me compliments and says how handsome I am, which is something that rarely happens in this house.  Occasionally during the morning, I wandered upstairs to check on the quality of his craftmanship and sniff through his toolbox.  There were no sandwiches in it, which was disappointing.  I can report that his Wiring is to a High Standard and he will be allowed back one day. Lad surprised us all by getting up soon after 8am and starting some studying!  This really was worrying.  It all made sense a bit later, when he asked to be driven to a town Far Away to Hang Out with His Mates.  It had to be explained gently and calmly to Lad that this wasn’t a great idea.  He accepted this without question.

Lad has, at least, done some studying today, as well as a fair bit of time on the Xbox with his friends.  Young Lad has done no studying.  He, too, has enjoyed lots of time on the Xbox, but to be fair, he did don Layers, Coat, Hat, Gloves and Boots this afternoon and go out sledging with his friends.  This is a Normal and Healthy pastime for Young Lad, and he kept it up for two hours.  Lad was persuaded out for, ooh, fifteen minutes.  I was dragged out for a second walk this afternoon to watch the sledging.  Lad threw some snowballs for me and I played along for  a while, jumping up and catching them, then eating them in case there was any food inside. There wasn’t.  So I became bored of that game.  Readers, you have no idea what hard work it is walking through deep snow that comes up to your elbows. I am exhausted tonight, and have been snoring loudly through Look East.  He had to tell me to be quiet, as it was important to watch the weather forecast so we all know What To Expect Tomorrow.

My dear friend Pippa was two years old yesterday.  Her loving Pack Leader has made her a Liver Cake – yum – and has just texted to say would I like a piece, or will it make my flatulence play up.  Honestly, the indignity of it.  Is there anyone who doesn’t discuss my intestinal comings and goings?  It’s so rude.  And yes I do want a bit. Please.

Well, Readers, who knows what tomorrow will bring.  Lad and Young Lad are praying their schools are shut again, but She’s told them not to hold their breath.  I feel like I could sleep for a week, as it’s a well known fact that cold weather makes you tired.  Oh yes, Australian Friends, thanks for telling us that it’s 33 degrees where you are.  That was nice of you.

Keep warm, Friends, and Friendly Electrician, please put something to eat in your toolbox next time you pop round.

Bye for now,

Russell

Bins down

20180227_113703 An excellent day, Readers, from the Bad Behaviour point of view.  While they were all on their way to work/school this morning, I had a look in the food cupboard, and decided to have a rearrange.  I thought the bag of Spiralli pasta and a tin of tomato soup would look much nicer on the lounge carpet, so I dragged them in there and dumped them on the floor.  There was also a pack of Basmati rice that had some left in the bottom, so I dragged that in the lounge, too, and ate the rice.  It was a bit crunchy.  I was moaned at, of course, when She got in, but I’d had a lovely time.  Then, later in the day when there was nobody here, I knocked the kitchen bin over and went through it.  There wasn’t a lot – for once it had been emptied and cleaned out today, but I did find a big pile of mashed potato that had been sitting in the fridge for a week and was no longer Fit For Human Consumption.  Luckily it was Fit for Beagle Consumption.  Fired up by my efforts, I wandered up to the bathroom and yes!  They’d forgotten to put the bathroom bin in the bath, so I tipped that over and went through it too.  I won’t tell you what I ate.

So all in all, an excellent day.  I had a good walk this morning, though it was rather cold at minus 3. Lots of my friends were out –  the usual crew of Chuck and Teddy – plus Rocco the three-legged Oh So Inspirational Labrador.  As usual there was ooing and aahing about how Inspirational He is, as he rolled around on his back waving his three paws. Dear me. It was bitingly cold down by the river, and we stomped along even more quickly than usual.  Over in Far Field I found some fox poo and rolled in it, so was put back on the lead and My Fun Was Over.  I was jolly glad to get home, I can tell you, as two and a half miles in that temperature was more than enough.   Even the Bastard Swans looked cold. It was the sort of day one wanted to be left alone to sleep on the red fleece, or empty bins.  But no!  This afternoon I was dragged out for a second time, over the Rec.  Admittedly it was a Short Walk, or would  have been, if I hadn’t been accosted by a small mongrel of some sort that was hell bent on chasing me. Kayleigh (really?) was a rescue dog from Cyprus, according to her Pack Leader.  He had no control over her whatsoever, and it was too funny watching She and Kayleigh’s Pack Leader trying to catch a very small but extremely fast dog.  They were rubbish!  Kayleigh kept darting between their legs or hands, laughing her head off, and I was very amused watching their inept attempts at authority.  It went on for hours.  Best laugh I’ve had for ages!

In between the two walks, I’ve needed to sleep on the fleece as it is very tiring, walking through the fields in sub-zero temperatures.  I felt very sorry for He today, as He works outside and had to go into work even earlier than usual, due to the Adverse Weather Conditions. It can’t have been nice working outdoors today – an hour was enough for me.  So He needed a hot bath when He got home, and luckily there was a Very Warming Shepherd’s Pie for tea; we even put the fire on!  Lad was extremely cold from the long journey home from school, and Young Lad was tired from Basketball club at lunchtime plus PE.  Readers, there was some disappointment for Young Lad today.  He had been so looking forward to his first ever Food Technology lesson – I think I would enjoy this subject – and poor Young Lad had eagerly packed his New Tupperware Box with ingredients for Fruit Salad this morning.  Imagine his sadness when he found out his Food Technology Teacher was off sick, and there was a Cover Teacher.  The Cover Teacher said they couldn’t make fruit salad, they would just have to sit and eat the fruit.  Now, call me old-fashioned but I wouldn’t have thought the Method for making fruit salad was too complicated for a non-Food Technology teacher to manage – it’s only a bit of chopping, after all.  But for Various Reasons this was not allowed, so Young Lad had to eat a punnet of raspberries, a massive bunch of grapes, an apple and an orange without chopping or mixing.  On the plus side, his bowels will be in good shape for a bit.

I’ve had a few views on my Instagram account!  Not many, in all honesty, but I don’t know what She expected.  Amazingly there have been no silly photos and comments of me uploaded today, as there has been Too Much To Do.  

Although they should probably be doing homework, everyone is on the sofa as it’s warm in here and nobody wants to move.  Lad is watching some absurd nonsense called, “The Walking Dead”, which is completely unsuitable for Young Lad but luckily it’s all filmed in the pitch dark and nobody can see the fake gore anyway. Talking of fake, dinnertime’s family debate was about whether Donald Trump was actually proving to be Quite A Good President.  I kid you not, Readers.  There was a lot of heated arguing, and eventually  a compromise was reached that if he kept off social media and acted with a smidgen of dignity, things would be better. What a boring conversation.  I fell asleep under the table, waiting for a bit of shepherd’s pie to drop.

Lad is in a bad mood tonight, as the “Beast from the East”, was forecast today and he was Absolutely Sure that his school would close. The Beast from the East turned out to be Light Snow from Below, and the three flakes that fell did not cause his school to shut.  He is very angry about this, and feels hard done by. 

Well, Readers, one of the main characters in “The Walking Dead” is taking so long to die, that everyone else has lost the will to live.  Do get on with it. Such drivel, and still all in  pitch black so we can’t see what’s going on.  Or isn’t going on. I’m off to my chair for a kip, as I’m absolutely cream crackered from trying to keep warm today.  On my Instagram feed (yep!  got the lingo!!) there is a silly video of me trying to get comfortable in my chair last night.  If you’re desperately bored, you could watch it.  It only lasts a minute – it did actually go on for three minutes but you have to trim it down to 60 seconds.  (Lad had to do this for her, obviously.)  I’ve no idea how you access my Instagram account.  Boredbeagle9 in case you want to search, but I’m sure you have better things to do.

Brr, keep warm, Friends.

Bye for now,

Russell

 

Visiting

4faf90fee63e2abf8692293a21fe7ff6 Today was a little different from the normal humdrum, Readers, as I went out visiting.  It all started the same way, with alarm clocks at 6am and lots of shouting of hurryupandgetintheshower/where’smytie/idon’tknow/lookforit!!!    for about forty minutes, which bored me so I had a sleep.  It was so cold out, that when She ‘popped into town’ after the school run, I didn’t even move from the fleece on the sofa to empty the recycling bag everywhere.  I was quite tired after another ridiculous amount of walking yesterday – two walks, total just over four miles. Unnecessary.   Once back from town (apparently Costalotta need to turn their heating up as it was brass monkeys in there), we went for my walk nice and early.  It was BITING, Readers, BITING. Lots of friends were out, including poor Teddy the Australian Labradoodle with his rather harsh haircut; it makes you wince looking at him in this weather.  Chuck was on fine form, his coat shining more than ever, but it was so cold that neither of us hung around to sniff backsides today. Brrr.  Still, intrepid souls that we are, we marched briskly around Top Field to the rhythm of Donna Summer, “On the Radio” – no, I’ve no idea either.    I took a comfort break in the middle of the field while She had stomped back down to the beginning, so yet again there was moaning and groaning as She had to stomp all the way back up to Look For It.  I also tried to roll in some cack, but was shouted at and grabbed frantically as, “we’re going visiting in a bit!!”   On the way back home, we bumped into Nicedogwalkerlady and her husband, and the three hundred brown labradors, and I was asked why there was no blog last night.  A very good question, Readers.  Apparently She had, “too much work to do.” Priorities.  Wrong.

Enough of this.  The excitement of the day was being put in the car to go and visit her friend, let’s call her Sicknote for the sake of this blog, who Was Off Sick. Now, Readers, it is down to Sicknote that I have ended up living here with my family – it is all her fault.  I was perfectly happy where I lived before, grabbing loads of snacks and not being marched out on four mile walks in the cold, but did anyone ask me?  No, of course not.  But I’m not one to hold a grudge, so agreed to go and visit Sicknote and her brown labrador (yes, another one) called Charlie.  Well, it seems I,  “stunk the car out,” on the way there, so despite it being minus four, She rolled the window down.  As soon as we arrived, I jumped up at the kitchen counter to see if there was anything to eat – apparently this is rude.  Then I tried to go upstairs for a look round, as I imagine they have High Standards of Bedding there, and fancied a kip, but this is Also Rude, and I was dragged back down.  This annoyed me so much, Readers, that I had no choice but to climb into a chair and go to sleep.  I felt sorry for Charlie the Brown Labrador, as She had sat down in his chair – who’s rude now? Initially I sat on her lap, but was very squashed and She refused to get off the chair for me, so I had to make do with another one.  Poor Charlie had to sit on the floor.  Anyway, She and Sicknote talked incessantly for the best part of two hours , which bored Charlie and I to tears.  Then I refused to get off the chair when it was time to go home, as I was perfectly comfortable there.  I was moaned at in the car for being an, “unsociable git” – Readers, did I get any credit for not farting at Sicknote’s and stinking the house out?  No, of course not.  Sicknote did say I’m very handsome, and clearly appreciates me a lot more than my own family do.  It was nice going to visit, and if I’d been allowed to look around upstairs, I wouldn’t have been so grumpy.  But there you go.

Lad has been at home today with another of his ‘headaches’.  What’s that you’re saying?  Was Games on the timetable today?  Well, blow me down, it was!  He was given lots and lots of sympathy at home, in the form of a Chemistry GCSE past paper and the Wifi being switched off.  Amazingly, Lad has rallied and managed to do all his homework plus the Chemistry Past Paper, without leaving his pyjamas.  I’m helping him, by lying on his lap while he tries to draw a graph on top of me.  Young Lad has had a busy day at school, playing Futsall in PE (no idea) and going to Handball Club at lunchtime.  We are all rather worried about Young Lad’s sudden burst of physical effort in the last week or so – it is not in his nature.  Plus he looks like a walking XRay at the best of times, and all this exercise could make him disappear completely. This would be a shame, as I often sleep on Young Lad’s bed with him.  There isn’t much room for him, but that’s okay as he’s so slim.  Of course, any caring family would buy a double bed for the two of us, not expect me to be squashed up like that all night.

Well, my Regular Readers might remember my young friend J who was having nasty things done to him in the Marsden when I started my blog, back in the day.  J is doing really well, and his Evil Vets doctors are pleased with him.  He still has some nasty things done to him, but hopefully not for much longer.  One would like to think that the positive vibes from my blog and all you Readers have helped him and his Pack Leader on their journey, but that is New Age Bollocks, it seems.

The_Instagram_LogoReaders, thanks to Oscar the Border Terrier’s Pack Leaders, I now have an Instagram account.  Yep, really, thanks for that.  She has no idea what to do with it, but has managed thus far to post a couple of pictures of me with inane comments.  What’s the point?  None at all.  Just more time-wasting when cupboards/the oven/the fridge could be being cleaned out.

It’s meant to snow tomorrow, Friends, so I hope you are tucked up in the warm.  Although the two of you in Australia will obviously be enjoying a heatwave and laughing at us.

Bye for now,

Russell

 

Windchill

00322w-800x800_2By golly it’s cold out there tonight, Readers!  I’ve just come back from the river, and it was bearable walking in one direction, but as soon as we turned round into the wind, my ears flapped out wildly and it dropped to minus 5.  I’ve had no choice but to climb straight into my chair for a kip.  I’ll be here for the evening now.

That was my second long walk of the day.  Yes, we’re still on  this ridiculous Exercise Quotient mission, so I’ve had to trot five miles again today. This morning was glorious, Friends – yet again, blue skies and bright sunshine.  There were so many dogs down there, I didn’t know where to start.  It has to be said I was particularly pleased to see dear Oscar, whom I haven’t seen for quite while now – Oscar is a Border Terrier who never fails to jump up and make her jeans very muddy.  This makes me laugh.  She really likes Oscar but he’d just eaten something hideous today, so we kept well away from his mouth.  It was rather boring, though, having to stand around while She and Oscar’s Pack Leaders chatted about my blog.  They even said I should have an Instagram account whatever that is, but we all know this is Well Beyond her Technical Knowledge.  Nicedogwalkerlady and the three hundred brown labradors were there, and who do you think they had with them?  None other than Barney The  Oh so Adorable Beagle, the one who is cuter, whiter and better behaved than me.  Needless to say he leant against her legs and did that silly appealing thing with his eyes as usual. Annoys the heck out of me.  We left them all to it, and went over the bridge into Top Field, where we marched around to the rhythm of, “I saw the sign,” by Ace of Base.  Another dated, forgettable song that most of you will indeed have forgotten, but not us.  

Readers, the Bastard Swans were back on the river this morning. Do you know what they did to my dear friend Pippa?  She merely looked at them over the gate, and they HISSED at her.  Vicious oiks.  Hate them.  There were seven Bastard Swans down there earlier in the year, but I’ve only seen two recently. Good riddance.  Poor Pippa.  I had a lovely day at her house yesterday – my bad flatulence was still pretty awful at times, but again, everyone at Pippa’s house was polite about it unlike my own family who shout, “OH FOR GOD’s SAKE RUSSELL”, every time something pops out. I never get treated like this at Pippa or Ebony’s houses.  Anyway, you’ll be glad to know that things are slightly better in that department today, so I haven’t been dragged to the Evil Vet.  But I’m digressing – on the way back from our stomp around the fields this morning, we bumped into The Friendly Electrician and his wife, who were walking at a normal pace with their well-behaved dog, not striding frantically along to an early 90s melody.  Thankfully we slowed down to chat to The Friendly Electrician and his wife, but the conversation was, as usual, about bldy teenagers. It’s always that or bldy dogs.  Boring as.

This afternoon was astonishingly peaceful as He was at work and so it was deemed to be a Quiet Homework afternoon.  (This was after Lad finally got out of bed at lunchtime, as he needed another lie-in.)  Young Lad had to learn some Italian music terms such as CRESCENDO! and DIMINUENDO!  Readers, I’m sorry to tell you that Young Lad had a test last week on these words at school, and scored an abysmal 0 out of 10.  This smacks of a lack of effort if you ask me.  So I had to listen to some silly, over-theatrical expressions of words like “fortISSIMO!!” for about half an hour this afternoon.  Drivel. Young Lad will be re-tested on these ten words next week, and we’re hoping for a score of maybe four.  That might be optimistic, actually.  But I have to say, it was a peaceful few hours this afternoon while everyone cracked on with their work, and Gingercat and I both had a lovely doze.  Until I was dragged out for another walk.  

Friends, I’m so sorry for the lack of a blog last night.  There is no excuse, really, other than She couldn’t be bothered  was a tadge tired.  I felt sorry for poor He last night, who had to go back to work for A Dinner, and Dress Up Smartly.  I’m sure He would rather have slobbed out on the sofa in pyjamas with a pizza like everyone else.  Lad spent the evening Letting Off Steam on the Xbox, and so myself, Young Lad and She had the sofa and TV to ourselves.  It was lovely, even though Young Lad has now found Season 6 of Chicago Fire.  Just how many more burning warehouses will I have to hear about?  Honestly. I was also annoyed that they lit some scented candles again during the evening – it’s just so rude. Her friend Gordon made an appearance; the tell-tale clink of ice and fizzing sound as the lemon slice drops in, is a dead give-away.  I’m not convinced this is part of the Healthy Eating mission.  Neither is the Young’s Cod in Batter and Aunt Bessie’s chips that have just been served up.  (What’s happened to old Harry Ramsdens, I hear you ask?  Too bldy expensive apparently!  Re-branded and twice the price.)

Well, Friends, I hope you’re all tucked up in the warm for the evening.  It’s brass monkeys out there tonight and I will be having a VERY quick comfort break in the garden at 10pm. And no, I don’t want to go for another soddingfivemiles of walks tomorrow, but will I be consulted?  Of course not.

See you soon,

Russell

 

 

 

Eggy

Eggy_mini I’ve had a problem for a couple of days, Readers.  Although the flatulence I produce is often pretty awful, it  has gone up a  notch or two recently.  I’ve obviously eaten something that really doesn’t agree with me, but have no idea what it was.  I’m not feeling quite myself, Friends, and have taken to curling up for a kip in the washing basket, on top of the clean clothes. I’ve got a bit of a belly ache and I’ve been threatened with the Evil Vet if things don’t improve. I’m eating okay, obviously, as nothing stops me eating, ever.  It’s just coming out the other end in loud, sulphuric emissions.

I feel better for sharing that with you.  It doesn’t help, to be honest, being dragged out on these silly extra-long walks.  Nearly four miles this morning, Readers, just in the one walk.  I know She was hoping I’d have a good empty out in one of the fields, and relieve the problem, but I decided not to.  There were so many friends out this morning!  Teddy the Australian Labradoodle was barely recognisable; he’d had a Severe Haircut.  I felt worried for him, as it was very cold.  There was a new chap down there, called Monty – a very lively Cockapoo type thing (there seem to be an awful lot of them lately).  Plus the lovely Chuck, glistening in the sun as ever, and the German Shepherd that hates me.

Over the bridge we went, and up through Top Field.  Then, to my surprise, we carried on to Top, Top field!  I didn’t think we’d be going back there for a while, as I rolled in fox poo last time.  She seems to have forgotten.  It was hideously muddy, and really a complete mistake to go up there. We seem to make a lot of these mistakes.  I was covered in mud, right the way up my belly.  Even Wellington boots struggled  to cope with the liquid cack everywhere, and there was some amusing sliding around.  I’d love it if the sliding around turned into arse over whatsit one day.  So off we went, marching around Top, Top Field as fast as it was possible to march in several inches of mud.  As we’d stopped to chat to several Pack Leaders early on, we were Behind Schedule on the Minutes per Mile Pace of Walking, so had to really step it up.  There was a dead rabbit in the field, with its back leg chewed off, but I wasn’t allowed to go near it. Spoilsport.  

I was shattered by the time we got home.  On the way back we bumped into Chuck and his Pack Leader again, because they walk at a sensible pace and don’t stomp fast.  With them was Sausage Sue and her many dogs, and they were discussing something called a Dorgie.  Sausage Sue thought this is a cross between a Dachsund and a Corgi, but Chuck’s Pack Leader thought it was an activity involving several dogs.  I didn’t really understand.  

I was flat out, asleep and farting, within minutes of getting home.  I was left in peace and quiet when She went to collect Lad from school – he has to stay longer on Thursdays now, due to Extra Maths Tuition, which he enjoys a lot. I think that’s what he said.  Rather than face an hour’s bus journey on top of this, pity has been taken on him, and he was met with a Dreggs sausage roll and a bottle of water, as a reward for his hard work.  Of course, this meant Young Lad had to walk all the way home from school, and this time there were no lifts from Friends’ Grandparents and the like.   Poor Young Lad.  As if he wasn’t exhausted enough, from the Efforts of Wednesday.  Not only was football training on after school, followed by Indoor Cricket nets till 8pm, but Young Lad even went to basketball club in his lunch hour!!  Never before has such enthusiasm for physical exertion been seen.  I can’t see it lasting.  Readers, I’m not sure he grasped the idea of basketball, as he didn’t take his trainers, so had to do it in his socks.  For Health and Safety Reasons, the teacher said, “no running if you have socks on, “so Young Lad had to play basketball slowly in his socks.  Hmmm.  

I’d had a lovely day at dear, dear Ebony’s house.  We had such fun and I do love her Pack Leader and Pack Leader Male.  Unfortunately, my stomach was problematic even there, and I stunk the house out.  They were very polite about it.  

Readers, are you sitting down?

oThe Disgusting Cupboard Under The Stairs has been cleared out!!!   I know!!   It took over two hours, and a lot of swearing.  A big pile of stuff including a picnic hamper that has been used once in eighteen years, has been thrown in the back of the car, ready for the charity shop.  The three hundred carrier bags have been sent to recycling, and a large rug that is FILTHY is also in the boot of the car, while some thought goes into what to do with it. I made it filthy with my muddy feet. The upshot is that the cupboard is now easy to get into; one can actually see the floorboards, and the hoover and ironing board are no longer fighting with the Karcher steam cleaner.  On the shelves, there are pots labelled, “nails and screws,” “candles”, “screwdrivers,” and the such like.  I have never seen such terrific organisation in this house.  It will last all of five minutes. I’ve been in the cupboard a few times for a good look round, but of course anything of interest has been removed.  But I have to say, ten out of ten for effort.  If things carry on at this rate, we might even find the oven gets cleaned one day.

Tomorrow I’m at dear Pippa’s house for daycare.  Hopefully her Pack Leader is reading this tonight, so she is prepared for the awful smell.  I’m hoping Lad will put the laptop away soon, as he needs to choose which subjects to do for A Level by tomorrow, and has only started considering this tonight.    I have no idea what Philosophy is but it sounds dull, and I don’t really want to have to listen to tedious discussions of Nietzsche and the like for two whole years. I do wonder about people at times.

Ooof there goes another one.  If this hasn’t stopped by tomorrow night, it will be the Evil vet for me, and we all know that means I have to be muzzled for them to get near me.  Life is hard, Readers, at times.

See you soon,

 

Russell

 

Potato Peelings

Easy_Scalloped_Potatoes_2 Today, Readers, I have chucked a bag of potato peelings over the floor, and knocked the recycling all round the back porch.  They should have put it outside in the bags.  I’ve also dragged the bag with carrot ends and a broccoli stalk into the lounge, and eaten them.  These were on the shelf in the back porch, ready to give Lovelyneighbourontheright’s rabbit.  The rabbit will have to do without.  I had shocking wind to begin with, way before I did all this, so it’s only going to get worse.  I was bored this afternoon, while they were all at work/school and needed something to do.  Now, Lad has left a rucksack in his bedroom (the one I chewed through), and I know damned well that there is a Blueberry Cereal Bar in it, somewhat squashed at the bottom.  I had planned to deal with that this afternoon.  But Lad’s bedroom door was shut, which scuppered my plans and annoyed me.  I was also tempted to walk mud all over the John Lewis White Duvet Cover, as I was exceptionally muddy from my walk earlier, but oh no.  That bedroom door was shut, too.  So I had no option but to chuck the peelings around and leave rubbish in the lounge.

Yesterday I had to be dragged from my chair in the morning, as I REALLY didn’t want to go for a walk after that ridiculous 5 mile business, the day  before.  It was drizzling and grey, and nobody in their right mind would swap a comfortable armchair for  3 miles of grey drizzle.  As it was, I bumped into her friend from work, Madame, who was out running in the grey drizzle.  Clearly she is not in her right mind, either.  So we plodded on through the rain, and just to spice things up a bit, I ran off towards the houses again.  It was a carefully timed, unexpected burst of speed from me, and She was miles ahead before She noticed I had disappeared.  So running across the bumpy field in Wellington Boots, shouting,  was the order of the day, yet again.  It does make me laugh.  We went over the bridge into Top Field, and marched round it fast.  Well, I didn’t.  I took  my time and dawdled, as there were some particularly ripe smells.  Eventually I was put back on the lead and told to bldyhurryup.  I was FILTHY and wet from yesterday’s walk, and was sent to my bed in the kitchen to dry off.  Until I sneaked out when the door was opened and legged it to my armchair.  It was felt that a hearty, nutritious meal was needed for Young Lad, Lad and He when they returned home at the end of the day, so the entire saucepan collection was used to make lasagne.  This is always a good choice for me, as I give the filthy plates a pre-rinse in the dishwasher.  Then the kitchen had to be cleaned up from the multi-saucepan lasagne making.  It was a quiet evening, although Lad and She started watching a new comedy series on Sky Atlantic that was bldyhilarious but Highly Inappropriate and I was shocked that Lad was allowed to watch it.  The sniggering got on my nerves, in the end.

Today it has been lashing down with rain all day.  Was I allowed to spend the morning, dry and warm in my armchair?  Of course not.

20180220_103423 In this diagram you can see how much I enjoyed my walk in the sodding rain.  I was drenched when we got home, and had to sit in my bed again. I suppose I should be grateful that the walk was cut short by half a mile,  but really.  There were very few dogs down there today, as most Pack Leaders weren’t as deranged hardy as the few that were out.  I did bump into dear Ebony on the way, but lucky Ebony was coming back from her walk, and would have been dry and warm a lot sooner than me.  Nicedogwalkerlady was, of course, down there but really, that was about it.  It’s all very well saying, “it’s only a bit of rain,” and “it’ll do us good,” but it’s very easy to say that when you are wearing a thick coat, bobble hat and have an umbrella.  So think on.  Mind you, I did see one poor dog with a ridiculous purple coat on.  If anyone tried to put a purple coat on me, I’d have their hand off.  Golly, we were soaked through.  Our march was in time to “Miss You Nights” by Cliff Richard.  This is what happens if you listen to Radio 2 whilst making fish pie for dinner.  Though it was an acid house version, judging by the tempo at which we marched.

Young Lad had to walk all the way home from school tonight. Oh, hang on,  luckily he was given a lift by a friend’s grandparent.  Young Lad also had to walk to school yesterday morning and this morning, both in the rain.  Oh, hang on, he was given a lift by a friend’s Dad.  Young Lad hasn’t in fact walked anywhere this week, and this suits him just fine.  He is rather perturbed as there is a chance Football Training is on at school, tomorrow, followed by Indoor Cricket nets.  This will be exhausting, and I can only hope he is given plenty of lifts by friends’ relatives.  Lad is supposed to be doing his English homework, but is looking up designer belts on his phone again.  This has nothing to do with Romeo and Juliet, as far as I can see.  “Romeo, Romeo, shall I buy Versace or Gucci,” does not ring any bells.  It worries me.

He has just come in from a very long day at work.  Thankfully they have left him some fish pie, and there will be one more plate for me to pre-wash in the dishwasher. There is some healthy Banana tea bread for afterwards, as there is some concern about how much Sugar and Rubbish Lad and Young Lad ate over half term.  Young Lad says he’d rather have a bag of crisps than the Banana tea bread.  I think he’s missed the point, but I can see what he’s saying.

Well, Readers, it’s Wednesday tomorrow.  As you know, this is a day I am Left All Day and my family show no care for me whatsoever.  Thankfully,  I’m off to dear Ebony’s house for the day, but I’m hoping to get to that Blueberry Cereal Bar beforehand.  I know exactly where it is.

Bye for now,

Russell

 

Five Miles

03bfef8460d0620cf334b6f45da976eb_exhausted-coffee-clip-art-vector-images-illustrations-istock-tired-dog-clipart_475-612 Ridiculous.  It’s hardly my fault if the bathroom scales are still saying unpleasant things, yet it’s me that has been dragged out for FIVE, yes FIVE miles of marching through countryside today!  Okay, we did it in two separate walks, but really it’s too much.  I am absolutely shattered tonight, and haven’t even had the strength to beg for the empty yogurt pots.  I am getting thinner by the day    ( at least one of us is) and will soon be wasting away.  It doesn’t occur to anyone to increase my food rations, with all this exercise.  Negligent, again.

If that wasn’t bad enough, it’s Sunday.  Regular Readers know that this means we have Lovelyneighbourontheright’s young cockapoo for the morning, and how much I enjoy it.  Well, today the youngster did the normal bouncing and jumping at me, landing on my head several times, and I had to put him in his place with some growling and a few gentle-ish snaps.  In the end we rubbed along okay together as we spent the morning in the garden, so he could be distracted with tennis balls to stop him jumping on my head.  So I didn’t get a wink of sleep all morning.  Plus, She and Young Lad were gardening again which involved a lot more hacking down of poor bushes and Young Lad was then forced to pick up all the pieces and shove them into recycling bags. Surely he won’t be made to pick up the Bastard Prickly Rose Bush bits, I thought to myself, and indeed, a rare moment of kindness was seen as She donned rubber gloves to do this. During all this, Lad was having another lie-in, but don’t worry, Readers, he had to Clean Out The Car and Do The Ironing this afternoon.  I wouldn’t want you to think that Lad and Young Lad were being allowed to relax on their last day of half term.  Oh no.  The garden does look tidier, but I’m a bit cheesed off as I put all the recycling boxes and tubs under those bushes, and now it’s all been cleared up.  My hiding places have been ruined.  There was a lot of moaning about the number of Gingercat’s food bowls that were found under the bushes – they know quite well that this is where I run to, when I’ve grabbed his food and legged it to the garden.  It’s not my fault there were 7 bowls buried in the foliage – they should try tidying up more often!   There was also a small Bob The Builder, Scooby Doo and seventy four tennis balls under the bushes.  And  a lot of ripped up Harry Ramsden’s and Capn Birds Eye boxes.  Add to the list several Nerf Gun bullets, a shuttlecock (I have NEVER seen anyone play badminton and I’ve lived here three years) and a lot of broken 99p solar lights.  Why they buy 99p solar lights each summer, I do not know – they stick them in the flower beds, Lad and Young Lad come out to play football, the lights get broken.  Every single year.  But nobody learns.

Well, my morning walk today was fine – happy and uneventful.  There were lots of people and their dogs out, as it was such a beautiful day again.  I was well-behaved and life was good.  However, my second longer walk this afternoon was More Traumatic.  Look, it’s Sunday afternoon and there is a housing estate the other side of the path – obviously, the smell of Roast Dinners comes wafting down and I can’t help myself.  THREE TIMES  I got wind of a great smell, and took off at terrific speed, following my nose – I’m a dog, for the love of God!  But oh no,  we had frantic running and shouting, blowing the whistle like a demented netball referee.  Well, I took no notice.  What a carry-on.  Anyway, I added a good half  mile to our walk by these detours.  I get no thanks, of course.  Wellington boots are very difficult to run in uphill , chasing me, I do appreciate that, but it’s not my problem. So I was put on the lead for the rest of the walk, because I Couldn’t Be Trusted.  We went up into Top Field, but not Top, Top Field due to the stuff that I rolled in yesterday.

This afternoon there has been frantic Tidying Up as it is the end of Half Term.  Lad and Young Lad’s piles of school books and random bits of paper – isthishomework no areyousure  no  couldyoutrybldylookingat it  – and some attempt at order has been made, by putting a Manchester City mug of sharpened pencils and new Biros on the snooker table. By Tuesday I can guarantee that nobody will be able to find a pencil or working Biro.  Even the kitchen floor has been cleaned, Readers, but not the disgusting cupboard under the stairs.  I know I teased you with that possibility, but it never happened.  Lad and Young Lad have packed their bags ready for school tomorrow, in the vain hope that nobody is running around at 7am screaming where’smybldybuspass and things like that.   Tomorrow it will be lovely and peaceful here for Gingercat and I, once they’ve all gone.  I intend having a good look round, and feel it’s time to Get Up To Something as I haven’t done anything Major for ages.  If I have the strength.

Well, Readers, Young Lad is about to have some banana tea loaf (now doesn’t that sound exciting), so I might just open one eye to have a look.

Bye for now,

Russell

 

Macaroni Please

20180216_153701 Yesterday, Readers, I was very bored so I looked through the Cupboard That Used To Have My Food In It.  Of course, my food is now on top of the fridge, so in frustration I took a packet of macaroni off the shelves and chucked it on the lounge floor.  They are jolly lucky that I didn’t split the packet open.   I did think about it.  I had been left for over an hour, while Lad was driven somewhere to ‘hang out’ with his friends, and Young Lad had to go back to JD Sports to change his purchase for something that actually fits.  Young Lad has now learned that it’s important to try clothes on before buying, and that a haphazard “it’ll do” approach doesn’t work with everything in life.  Oh, and a new rucksack had to be bought for Lad, as I’ve ripped up his old one, looking for snacks.

Apart from this period of being left, the day was pretty good.  I had two lovely walks, and yet again the sun was shining.  Nicedogwalkerlady was down by the river, but seemed to have mislaid some of the three hundred brown labradors, as there were only a small group with her.  That’s a little careless.  I rolled in some cack in Far Field, but it was dry cack so didn’t leave much of a mark and certainly didn’t necessitate all the moaning at me.  When we got home, the sun was so warm that I sat in the garden to bask in it.  Gingercat spoiled the moment by jumping on the fence above me, and frightening the life out of me, but up till that point it was a serene few minutes.

20180216_122549   This diagram shows me sunbathing.  You can see how happy and smiley it made me.  The evening started well, although we Deviated From Pizza last night, which was a mistake.  Lad was still hanging out, so it was decided a healthier option was needed, Friday night or no Friday night.  Why paella was chosen, I’ve no idea.  Vegetables and rice, innit.  She once made it several years ago, and nobody liked it then.  Nothing has changed.  Young Lad ended up with a small pizza from the freezer after all, and Lad made himself fish fingers and chips when he got home.  There was paella left in the saucepan for him but he gagged  didn’t notice.  After an evening in front of the telly, it was time for bed and I was very glad about that, having had two walks.

Today we all had a bit of a lie-in, as He wasn’t at work.  The normal routine of ‘popping into town’ was adhered to, but there is some concern about Homeless Guy outside Sainsburys.  He hasn’t been on his corner for quite some time now, as he  has been ousted by some other people with sleeping bags.  It goes to show that, as if he doesn’t have enough to deal with of a day, even his favourite spot isn’t secure.  This makes you think, Reader, about how hard some people’s lives are. This was pondered about over  a small Americano, which I for one find quite ironic. Then it was time for my morning walk, which was  splendid today. We bumped into Barney the Oh So Adorable Beagle, and needless to say he was as enchanting as ever.  Hmm.  Once safely over the bridge and away from rival beagles,  we went through Top Field, and, Readers, today we went into Top, Top Field!! We don’t often go up there – and sometimes there is a good old rabbit carcass for me to roll in.  There wasn’t, but I did find a massive pile of Something and rolled over and over, waving my paws in the air.  She was well ahead, and by the time She saw me and started frantically blowing the whistle, it was far too late.  I was completely plastered.  Anyway, it was good for her Exercise Quotient to have to run uphill in wellington boots to drag me out of it.  I had to do the walk of shame all the way home, on the lead, with any passing dogs being warned not to come near me, “he stinks.”  Even my friend Lexie kept her distance.  Once home, I was dumped in the bath and shampooed from head to tail.

Lad needed another long lie-in today, and was taken a toasted muffin with Nutella and a cup of tea just before lunch.  I’m sure you’re thinking the same thing, that he is thoroughly over-indulged. Oh to get such treatment.  To be fair, Lad has cut the grass this afternoon, and “done the edging.”  What a waste of time.  The grass soon grows back and covers up his nice straight lines.   Lad is supposed to be doing any outstanding homework at the moment, in a futile attempt to ensure he’s on top of things before returning to school on Monday.  He is actually looking at designer belts on his phone.  I’m not sure which subject this is for.  He and Young Lad went to the tip earlier, to dispose of many bags of cut down Ruddy Buddleia (see earlier blog) and lots of wine bottles.  Then, because it’s such a beautiful day, I was taken out for a second walk!  He and She took me back to the river – Young Lad had been told he HAD to come, but just in nick of time, two of his friends rang the doorbell and said did he want to hang out again.  (Dreggs.  Ham salad baguette and a Coke.) What a lovely second walk I had – I met le petit chien Jade, whose Pack Leader comes from Paris.  I do sometimes wonder what would make someone leave Paris to live here…..but anyway.  Lexie was down there for her second walk of the day, too, and this time she was allowed to get close as I’d had a bath.  And then, Readers, guess who caught me unawares from behind?!  Yes, it was dear, dear Pippa.  We bounded around again and she knocked me flying as usual, but I loved it. The only time I was a teeny weeny bit cross was when she took my stick away from me.  It was an extra special stick that I’d found, but Pippa ran off with it.  I know one must share with one’s friends,  though.  Grrr.

Part of the reason I had a second walk today was to ‘de-stress’ from doing Young Lad’s English homework with him.  This  needs the bldypatience of a bldysaint and makes one’s blood pressure rise somewhat.  Young Lad still needs to write up her his notes in best, but this has been saved for tomorrow, as there is only so much one can bldytake.  As a result, I am exhausted from all my walking today – nigh on four miles – and will be snoring heavily this evening. Dinner could be interesting tonight – Lad and Young Lad have been asking for a while for a Chinese meal, and as takeaway is Out Of The Question due to Price, Calories and TooManyAdditives, home-made Chinese is being attempted.  Luckily Ken Hom’s recipe for crispy prawns and egg-fried rice is fairly straightforward, though I think we all know the most popular part of the meal will be the Prawn Crackers.  (Can’t see it being the sweet and sour vegetables.)  I’ll let you know, Readers.

Sorry there was no blog last night – this was due to driving halfway around the county to take/collect Lad from hanging out.  This is what passes for your bldysociallife if you have bldyteenagers, apparently.  And then they don’t eat your paella.

Bye for now,

Russell

 

 

Thieving!

24cf6a81c2b114262318183b837e1585Oh Readers, what an excellent day on the Nicking Food front!  It really has been spectacular.  It started when Lad took his eyes off his Toasted Teacake at lunchtime – luckily I’d kept my eye on it!  That disappeared quickly, barely touched the sides.  It was a day out of date, but still edible.  Then we went for a lovely walk at the river – it was a stunningly beautiful day, and a tadge warmer than of late, so Mothers and Children were out in abundance.  As they are wont to do, many of them had taken a picnic with them, which always spices up my walk rather.  There was one large family sitting on the logs by the river – well, Readers, how does One Mother think she can control four small children and a dog?  Really, I think she’d overestimated her capabilities.  The baby had dropped their sandwich on the ground, and quicker than you can say Bldy Beagle, I was in there and snatched it.  Oh, how She shouted at me and chased me around, all the while apologising to the Woman Who Had Too Many Children and A Dog.  It was nice.  I would have preferred wholemeal bread, but beggars can’t be choosers.  And it doesn’t stop there!  When I came in from the garden after I’d had my tea, Gingercat was eating his dinner – in one graceful leap, I dived and grabbed his bowl of food in my mouth and ran off with it.  Oh, and I’ve just stolen a breadstick from under Young Lad’s leg on the sofa (slovenly).  See?  A top day!

Yesterday was like Piccadilly Bldy Circus in our house.  She met LovelyDor from down the road for an Early Coffee at Barstucks, which was about the most peaceful part of the day.  Then I was raced round the Rec for a pathetic 15 minute ‘walk’ while Young Lad was in the shower.  I was left at home with Lad (he was having a lie in, of course) while Young Lad and She picked up two of his friends and went somewhere for them to ‘hang out’.  Hanging Out means a trip to JD Sports, Macdonalds, and the Pound Shop.  Classy.  They came home two hours later, with Young Lad’s extra friends. and played rugby in the lounge (forbidden) while She took me out for a proper walk.  Then Lad had a dentist appointment in town, even though he “really could not be arsed” to go, and one of Young Lad’s mates was taken home en route.  How many people were left in the house with me?  Are you keeping up?  That’s right, two.  On the way back from the dentist, Lad asked if they could pick up one of his friends and bring him home as well.  Well yes of course!  Why the heck not?!  Then He came home from work.  A HUGE dinner was cooked in an attempt to impress all these friends (it didn’t), and then She had to drive everyone home again.  Readers, you think you’re tired trying to follow this?  I was exhausted.  What a ridiculous carry on.

The best part about the day – and coincidentally, it was Valentine’s Day – was that down by the river, I saw a Golden Retriever in the distance.  Now, I’d learned my lesson the other day when I went bouncing up and it turned out to be Chloe Who Hates Me, so I was a little more guarded this time.  But I was right – it was dear, dear Pippa!  Oh how we bounded along the river together, jumping over each other, snapping, yelping, romping.  I ADORE Pippa, just like my other BFF Ebony.  Pippa is very strong, and frequently knocks me over completely, but I laugh as I’m rolling around on the ground having been punched in the head.  It was sheer heaven. I was very irritated when I was put back on the lead and dragged off.

There have been less people here today, but still a lot of going in and out.  Young Lad went into town to meet another friend to ‘hang out’, which today involved Dreggs the Baker, and the Milkshake Shop.  Lad needed a long lie in, and surfaced at lunch time.  I suspect he is going to struggle to return to the 6am alarm next week when they’re back at school.  She went for a longbldyoverdue appointment to get the bldy grey covered up in her hair.  I am really quite flabbergasted, Friends, to learn about who some of you are.  It turns out that her Lovely Hairdresser is an Avid Reader, and even binged on the box set early editions of my blog.  Plus Young Lad’s best friend from nursery (when he was four), apparently downloads my blog onto her phone.  This is concerning, due to her tender age and the inappropriate language. Note to self.  It really is amazing.  Two viewers from America the other day!  (Out of a population of, what was it again? #notbitter)

Dammit, recycling day tomorrow.  This means our five sacks of the stuff have been tied up and put out the front for the dustmen. No more Captain Birds Eye boxes for me to throw round the back garden.  On the plus side, when I go for my walk tomorrow I have a good nose in everyone’s sacks down the road.  So does She.  I think She makes Snobby Judgements about what they’ve been eating, drinking and reading.

Readers, I noticed in the paper that Meghan Markel is touring through the streets of Windsor after her wedding to Harry.  Will she have her beagle in the carriage with her?  Should I go up and stand with the crowds, do you think?  This might be my best chance of escape!  I’m excited – need to get planning!  I’ll be sad to leave Gingercat, Pippa and Ebony, but not the rest of my family.  Young Lad is watching Chicago Fire YET AGAIN, and it is STILL season five.  He is reading the paper again, and Lad is on the Xbox again.  It all becomes very samey, Readers.  Meghan’s household would not be like this.  Nor would she serve up her family the sort of nonsense dinner my lot have had tonight.  Left-over cauliflower cheese (heave), vegetables, sausages.  What sort of  mixture is that?  Plus the sausages were weird because Tesco had wrongly packaged one lot of their ‘Finest Free Range They Had a Good Life Really, Right Up To the Abattoir’ pork sausages.  They clearly had something else in them, such as caramelised onion (who the heck ever came up with that idea?)  Meh.  Pretentious nonsense.

Well, tomorrow is hopefully A Quiet Day – nothing actually planned!  I am really, really hoping that this might mean Clearing Out The Cupboard Under The Stairs at long last.  Wouldn’t that be something!  But I wouldn’t hold your breath.  I bet something else ‘more important’ crops up.

Tell your friends, drum up some more support for me.

Bye for now,

Russell

Delivery!

courier-van-yodelWell, Readers, that was a jolly close shave!  My food tub was down to barely  HALF a scoop of food – yes, HALF!   She had planned to pad it out with a bit of cat food tonight;  I ask you.  Thankfully, just in the nick of time, there was a ring on the doorbell and my New Food arrived.  Never before have supplies run this low.  You may think it’s my fault for having troughed through the food when I wasn’t meant to but no.  This is down to Poor Organisation.  It’s all very well feeling smug because you’ve organised the coloured pencils box and hoovered under Lad’s Bed (more later on that one), but really, these weren’t priorities.  All that  time cutting down the Ruddy Buddleia could have been spent ensuring I wasn’t going to starve.  Anyway, emergency over.  A Full Tub sits on top of the fridge.

So, no blog last night as I had warned you, as She and Lad were at the Important Place in London all day, and yes indeed, the Circle Line was a Shocker.  I’ve had to listen to tales of being stuck under several people’s armpits for an alarming amount of time while the train in front was “being held”, and wondering what would happen if one had a panic attack in these circumstances.  I doubt anyone would notice. By the time Lad and She arrived home, they were very weary and only had the strength to shove a Sparks Means Marks ready meal Macaroni Cheese, and Four Cheese Ravioli in the oven.  This was excellent news for me, as I get to clean out the plastic trays. I do love that Four Cheese Ravioli, I must say – it’s Lad’s all time favourite, too.  Then everyone slumped on the sofa, apart from Lad who managed to rally enough to spend the evening on the Xbox.  Well done, Lad.  While they were up at the Important Place in London, one of the questions for Lad was what he does in his spare time when he isn’t at school.  This wasn’t difficult to answer and didn’t take long.

At any rate, He, Young Lad and I had a lovely day, as I had predicted.  We did some more Clearing Up in the garden, as in addition to cutting down the Ruddy Buddleia, the Poxy Philadelphus had been chopped to bits as well, and that was lying all over the patio.  So He collected it all up and tried to squash it into the plastic sacks that Young Lad was holding open.  This was tiring for Young Lad, and he had to sit down afterwards.  Then we went for a smashing walk down by the river, and I behaved very well, as always do when He takes me out.   Young Lad had to come out for this walk too, which made it quite a strenuous morning for him. I was pleased to find that they went out in the afternoon – they went to the cinema to watch ‘Darkest Hour’ about someone called Churchill.  Uninspiring if you ask me. I’m sure people of Young Lad’s age are meant to like things like Avengers.  I had a good look around while they were out, but the toerags had shut all the doors and put the bin out.  Bah.

This morning I was dragged out for a walk by 10.00, as the forecast said Heavy Rain on the way.  Readers, it was a stressful hour for me. It all started well; the Bastard Swans were in the river by the bridge but I kept my distance. Then we saw Barney the Oh So Adorable Beagle, who stopped to lean on her legs and generally be very appealing.  Bleugh.  There was the usual chortling by both our Pack Leaders about how naughty/food-obsessed/chunky we both are.  The rudeness of this. No Friends,  the  main problem was on the way back.  Returning through Far Field, a big German Shepherd came bounding up to me; I’ve met this devil before, and He Doesn’t like me.  The feeling is mutual.  I had done Nothing, Readers, to upset him but he was soon leaping on top of me, snarling.  I snarled back but he was  lot bigger, so I ran off with my tail between my legs.  A bit further on, a cockapoo came springing up to me, and there were shouts of,” Go On Russell, PLAY!!”  But I didn’t want to. Back down by the river, not only was there NiceDogWalkerLady and the three hundred brown labradors, but the Huge Golden Retriever known as Chloe.  Now, I went bounding up to her, because just for a moment I thought it was my dear friend Pippa, but sadly I was mistaken.  Chloe doesn’t like me either.  She took over from where the German Shepherd had left off, jumping on my back and snarling.  This really was the limit.  I had just recovered from that, and then Colin the Bouncy Labrador from next door came along the path – he too jumped all over me!  At least this was friendly jumping, rather than trying to rip out my vital organs.  It was an exhausting walk, Readers – I was glad to get home.

Lad needed a bit of a lie-in after his exhausting day yesterday, so was taken a mug or tea and a warmed croissant at 12.00.  I never get this sort of treatment.  Then some time was spent Tidying Up and Cleaning Young Lad and Lad’s bedrooms.  As an annual treat, the beds were pulled out to be hoovered behind.  Readers, I cannot begin to describe the scene under Lad’s bed.  Really, She needed to be wearing rubber gloves for dealing with much of that; it was appalling.  I don’t want to go into detail about what was under there.  Young Lad’s floor under the bed was marginally better, though some missing pieces of Playmobil from three years ago were found, and a piece of wood from the Pirate Island they sold four years ago.  I suspect the new owners of the Pirate Island have always wondered why it didn’t stand up straight.  After all this, a Quiet Afternoon was needed, so Young Lad spent twenty minutes on some homework (“That’ll do,”), She did some work on the computer, and Lad had a go at some GCSE Maths again.  This never ends well.  Eventually it was suggested he did some Art instead, as this might be therapeutic. It wasn’t.  Oh I’ve just remembered – Young Lad’s attempt at homework was hindered by Gingercat walking all over the laptop and pressing random keys.  Does he get shouted out?  No.

Golly, you should see the kitchen tonight.  It’s Shrove Tuesday, so a big stack of pancakes was made, and needless to say the ‘flipping’ was fairly haphazard so there is batter on the front of the cupboard doors.  In an attempt to make up for the salt and fat laden ready meals they had last night, home-made Leek and Potato soup was made as well.  Hmm;  flipping, batter, soup and blending all in one go.  There was plenty for me to clean up, that’s all I’ll say.  I was dragged out for a second walk, late this afternoon, round the rec – (She’s been on the bathroom scales again) – but the wind chill was minus 4 so it was one of the fastest three quarters of a mile ever walked, and we went home to the warm.  

All in all, an exhausting day, Friends, but very pleasing on the Food Delivery Front.  That had been a worry.

See you soon,

Russell