Extra Ears

extra ears Oh you can laugh, Readers.  Yes it looks like  I have sprouted an extra set of ears overnight, but as you can see if you look carefully, they are in fact Young Lad’s feet.  I find it extremely comfortable to lie between the legs of whoever’s bed I decide to sleep on, as this makes me feel snug and secure, being hemmed in by a leg on each side.   I’m not sure whether the person beneath me finds it extremely comfortable and there is often a lot of moaning about how little room they have to move, but that’s beside the point.

Well as usual it’s been a very busy week.  There was all the ridiculous working-full-time situation last week with scant concern for the welfare of myself or Young Lad and Lad.  They are both Latchkey Kids and have to let themselves in after school, coming home to an empty house with insufficient snacks in the cupboard.  No, Readers, the bowl of fruit doesn’t count.  Poor Lad has no choice but to cook himself a plate of oven chips when he returns from a long day at school, and this is nutritionally poor.  To add to the busy state of affairs last week it was also Lad’s birthday, and this was an Extra Special One.

You would think they might have done something original for Lad’s 18th birthday, but no, Express Pizza was the venue yet again as it is for every bldybirthday or celebration in this house.  This pleased Young Lad greatly as it meant he might get some chocolate fudge cake and cream, so long as they hadn’t run out like they did once before.  That was a Very Sorry Occasion Indeed, Friends.

So off to Express Pizza they went, where Lad was able to legally drink some beer with his meal.  

Nobody brought me any leftovers back, of course, and I had been left here alone for two hours. I amused myself by opening lots of kitchen cupboards and seeing if there was anything edible in there.  Sadly there wasn’t.  I knew for a fact that Lad had been given a large box of Lindt chocolates for his birthday but someone had been unusually sensible and put these up high out of my reach.  Disappointing.

Anyway, it was a very busy week with much of my time spent at dear, dear Pippa’s house or dear, dear Ebony’s house.  In fact, Readers, there was one glorious morning when Ebony’s Pack Leader and Pippa’s Pack Leader were FIGHTING OVER ME!!  Yes!!  Pippa’s Pack Leader came to collect me in the morning, but Ebony’s Pack Leader had already picked me up!  So then they had to have a discussion about whose day it was and who was going to look after me.  I loved it Readers!  Imagine being that wanted!!

The weekend was very unusual, as Lad and She went off to visit another university.  This time it was such a long way away that they had to go the night before and stay in a Crowne Plaza hotel with Egyptian cotton sheets – She said it was nice to have a night’s sleep without a large Beagle on her legs.  This is hurtful.  Anyway, Young Lad, He and I had to stay put and we entertained ourselves with microwave dinners and a couple of short, sensible walks.  Lad and She were extremely tired when they returned on Saturday night and She said She felt She’s sat through enough bldy Psychology lectures to last a bldylifetime.  This isn’t the encouraging tone one would expect when one’s offspring is considering their future.

Then of course it was Sunday, which meant football and housework and just the five bldy loads of washing.

I wasn’t taken to football this week, as Young Lad’s game was quite a long way away, and as it had been pouring with rain there was the concern that I would make the car smell of wet dog.  So instead I had a long walk by the river, and that was very pleasant.  I did hear, however, that Young Lad did very well at football this week – not actually playing, you understand, but he was a dab hand running on with the medical kit when anyone was injured.  In fact Young Lad looked very accomplished leading Detention Friend off the pitch and tending to him; so much so that some of the onlookers wondered if he’d joined the St John’s Ambulance recently.  Well done, Young Lad.

Tonight it is very peaceful here.  Young Lad and She are catching up with Celebrity Masterchef, where someone has made a very successful souffle.  Lad is doing homework and occasionally complaining about how much work he has to do, which detracts from just getting on with it.   It’s nice and quiet, and I’m able to have a good doze after a busy day at Ebony’s house.  I also emptied the bathroom bin and pulled the bag of compostable food scraps out of the back porch, so you can see why I’m tired.

Tomorrow Lad has a non-pupil day which means he doesn’t have to go to school and can study at home.  I like this idea, as I can sleep on Lad’s big new bed with him for half the morning. I can hardly wait.

There is a weather warning tonight, Readers. There are meant to be high winds and torrential rain which could lead to flooding.  Batten down the hatches and stay in bed, I say.

Bye for now,

Russell

 

Adoration

fpptball Here I am at Young Lad’s football match yesterday,  Readers, being doted upon by his team-mates.  I am very popular amongst Young Lad’s football team and I feel I am a soothing presence for them when they lose.  It can be a little dull sitting around watching, in all honesty, as She insists on sitting down chatting for ages, but I roll on my back and wave my legs in the air to attract attention.  It always works and yesterday lots of people said I was lovely and what a nice dog I was.  She said I’m naughty and smell.

It’s  been quite a nice weekend one way or another.  The original plan had been for Lad and She to visit another University Open Day somewhere a long way away, but Lad said he was too tired to leave at silly o’clock on Saturday morning after a long week work and She agreed (all too readily if you ask me.)  So that plan was knocked on the head and we had a much quieter weekend here.  Well my weekend was quiet but She moaned non-stop about the amount of cleaning, washing and ironing that had to be done not to mention cutting the grass – oh, wait a minute, now that Lad has stopped working at the Designer Brand outlet with its ridiculously long shifts, he now has time to be the unpaid help round the house again.  So Lad cut the grass.

On Sunday we had an early start for Young Lad’s football match.  Detention Friend arrived just before 9am ready for the off, and we were actually on time for once.  Detention Friend was very pleased that I was going to football with them, and only mentioned it very quietly when I farted in the car.

We won’t talk about the score at football but anyway, I think I cheered them up.

Once home on Sunday, I was taken straight out for a long walk with Lovelyneighbourontheright’s Cockapoo.  I did not understand the need to go out for a walk the MINUTE we returned from football, for goodness’ sake, but there you go.  The Cockapoo was as bouncy and mad as ever and I had to give him a talking to about calming down.  We had a jolly nice walk and bumped into lots of friends – it was actually quite warm out there yesterday, and I was panting heavily by the time I returned home.  The Bouncy Cockapoo came round to our house and wanted to play but I had no intention of doing anything other than sleeping in my chair, so the Bouncy Cockapoo had to look around for Gingercat . This was a mistake, as when he found Gingercat there ensued a lot of angry hissing and spitting.  The Bouncy Cockapoo never seems to learn. 

It was very quiet for the rest of Sunday as He and Lad went to Wet Sham to watch football. How dreary I thought to myself.  Still, someone has to do it. There was a riveting afternoon here of homework for Young Lad and work for She on the laptop.  It was very quiet although I did find the incessant tapping on the keyboard quite annoying.  Young Lad was very proud of himself for doing three pieces of homework without too much moaning.

Then, Young Lad decided to have something of a Masterchef afternoon!  Oh this sounds good, I thought to myself, and indeed it was.  Young Lad cooked cod goujons which made a delightful mess as this involves coating things in egg, flour and breadcrumbs, and then Young Lad topped it all off with a wonderful triple layer sponge cake with fresh strawberries in creamy stuff.  It looked divine, and the bits I tasted as it dripped down the front of the washing machine were jolly good.  Well done, Young Lad.

I had a lovely time last week, at dear, dear Pippa’s house and dear, dear Ebony’s house.  I did a fair amount of sleeping on the soft furnishings and not much else which is just how I like it. These are people who UNDERSTAND dogs like me, and don’t work full time in this irresponsible, selfish way.

There is something of an obsession with cooking TV programmes at the moment. Young Lad and She cuddle up to watch The Great British Bake-Off (it was Dairy Week last week) and are endlessly watching Celebrity Masterchef on catch-up.   I suspect this is partly because there is no 24 Hours in A &E or Police Custody currently.  But blow me down, they found a new programme to watch on Sunday evening.  Flicking through the channels, what did they find but One Man and His Dog!  Wonderful, I thought, they are actually going to watch something with integrity and quality for once  – but no.  Lad and Young Lad laughed their heads off at the antics of the stupid sheep and sniggered when poor Butch couldn’t herd them into the pen.  It is NOT meant to be a comedy.  I was quite annoyed by all the snorting.  

There is a daddy-long-legs flying round the lounge tonight, and it is really getting on my nerves.  Occasionally Gingercat wakes up and looks at it, but he can’t be bothered to try to catch it.  Gingercat is useless.

I’m also a little concerned about the size of the spiders in the garden shed.  There is a very, very thick white web that stretches halfway round, and looks like something out of a horror film.  A glimpsed has been caught of a MONSTER that was sitting on the sunlounger – really, it’s quite worrying.  Lad has been told he needs to find time to don hat, gloves, wellington boots and chemical protective suit in order to pull everything out of the shed and then jet spray it.  Lad is very busy at the moment, he says. 

Dinner was nice last night – there is something of a Jamie Oliver revival going on here, and they had sausages, mash and onion gravy from his recipe book last night.  Young Lad said the onion gravy was delicious and I can wholeheartedly agree, having pre-rinsed the plates in the dishwasher.   Then tonight it was Jamie Oliver’s Pasta Bianco as this takes ten minutes maximum and She was bldylatehome yet again.  So tonight I had nice garlicky buttery stuff to rinse off the plates.  Well done, Jamie Oliver.  I like him.

Lad has a nice new bed, and I have been helping him get used to it.  This bed is larger than his previous bed (let’s face it, Lad had been sleeping in that one since he left the cot and he’s now 6 feet tall…)  I’d like to congratulate Lad on his choice of bed and I’m finding it very comfortable indeed.

Lad had his last ever visit to the Important Place in London last week, Friends.  Regular Readers will know that She and Lad have been to the Important Place in London several times a year for the last 8 years and it was quite something walking through the doors for the last time.  I need to do some promotion of  my book, in order to raise some more funds for the Important Place in London.  Or write another book – oh no, wait, I can’t can I because SHE works full time. Humph.

Golly I’m tired.

Bye for now

Russell

 

Midnight Feast

51Bg-97J4QL It’s been a very busy few days, Readers, as you can tell from the lack of a blog.  I did warn you that this would happen.  One would hope that there would be more time at the weekends for this sort of thing, but oh no.  In addition to all the bldyhousework and bldyfootball matches there is now another thing to throw into the equation – University Open Days.  I have no idea what these are or what the point is, but it basically means that I am left alone or shoved to the neighbours even more than usual.

Last Saturday Young Lad was dumped with Detention Friend for the night, so that Lad and She could make a ridiculously early start to somewhere called Nottingham.  I was not pleased about alarm clocks going off at 5.10am on a Saturday, I can tell you!!  Neither was Lad, in fact, who made a right fuss about getting up even though it was for hisbldybenefit and Lad did actually make them late leaving home, so there was some bad temper even at that time of the day.  I’ve no idea what they got up to for the day, but I decided to make the best of things.

Firstly I had a look around and found a bag of Walkers’ Ready Salted crisps in Young Lad’s school rucksack.  I had a marvellous idea, Readers!  Knowing how tired and hungry She would be on returning home in the evening from Nottingham, I thought maybe She would need a little snack.  So I climbed onto the bed, messed up the pillows and buried the bag of crisps right underneath them for her.   I thought to myself, what a lovely surprise for her!  How pleased She’ll be!

(Of course She wasn’t.  When She finally got home and raced up the stairs to put her pyjamas on, there was a loud scream.  You would have thought it was a Hunstman Spider under the pillows rather than a bag of Walker’s Ready Salted.  For goodness’ sake!)

Anyway, the day improved as Lovelyneighbourontheright came round and collected me, to take me round to their house.  This was marvellous fun.  We went out for a walk first of all, then I spent the rest of the day sprawled on their sofa.  Really I did enjoy myself and slept like a log.  Their dog, the Bouncy Cockapoo, is not allowed on the furniture, so he just sat on the floor and looked at me as I spread myself over the soft furnishings.

The next day, we had the Bouncy Cockapoo round here to look after him in return.  He and I get on better these days, and I don’t feel the need to snarl at him quite so much.  However, the Bouncy Cockapoo made a schoolboy error in trying to take on Gingercat in the garden – Gingercat was having none of it, and in a complete role reversal, Gingercat chased the Bouncy Cockapoo round the garden hissing at him.  The Bouncy Cockapoo was running away as fast as he could.  It was very entertaining. 

Poor Young Lad of course, had been dumped with Detention Friend overnight, so the following morning Young Lad decided it was time to catch up with our friend Lovelydor down the road.  There was the glimmer of hope that Lovelydor might take him to MacDonalds for lunch and indeed Lovelydor came up trumps.  Young Lad spent the rest of the day lying on Lovelydor’s sofa watching telly, much the same as I was lying on Lovelyneighbourontheright’s sofa.  Do you detect a theme?  Lovelydor asked Young Lad whether he had any homework to do and Young Lad gave a very vague reply.

What else has been going on, I ask myself.  Yesterday I went for a lovely long walk at the river with She and we saw two other Beagles.  One was Barney The Oh-so-Adorable Beagle who is always white and cuddly and affectionate.  Barney annoys me and sometimes I try to mount him.  Then we bumped into another Beagle and so began a long tedious conversation about why on earth do people have Beagles, they need their head read.

I have an unpleasant smear on my face, Readers.  This is because when Lad and She returned from the University Open Day they were a tadge tired and nobody could be bothered to cook.  I gather the only sustenance all day had been a smoked salmon bagel for brunch.  So of course a ready meal was in order and She chose something called mushroom stroganoff, which looked nice on the packet but was rank in reality.  It had a browny pinky orangey sauce that was quite unpleasant, She said, but I was very happy to be given the ready meal tray to clean out.  Unfortunately the sauce smeared halfway up my face to where I can’t reach it, and it is still there as nobody has bothered to clean me up.

Today I’ve been at dear, dear Ebony’s house and have slept for most of the day.  I had a lovely time last week at dear, dear Pippa’s house, too, and basically just slept there on the soft furnishings.   I do get very tired, you see.

I would love to be able to say that there might be another blog within the next week but the way things are going here, Gingercat and I will be lucky to be fed of a day let alone have our creative talent nurtured.  Really it’s too much.

I’m off to bed.

See you soon,

Russell

 

 

 

Tinned Salmon

Skinless--Boneless-Wild-Pacific-Red-Salmon-Large_645x390 What did I tell you?  I made it very clear that with the new working full-time regime, there would be very little scope for my blog to be written.  I was right, Readers.  Myself, Gingercat, Lad and Young Lad have been completely neglected over the last week, much as I predicted.

Anyway, I’ve had to take my entertainment where I can find it.  Do you remember, Friends, that the oven packed up last weekend, only 48 hours after it had been cleaned?  A shiny new oven has now been installed and might stay clean for a week or two.  It was clearly a week for things packing up, however, as She fancied a nice tin of John West red salmon (it’s very expensive, by the way!) on her salad one evening.  Sadly the tin didn’t have one of those pull ring things, so in an irritated manner the tub containing the kitchen utensils was hunted through to find a tin-opener.  The tin-opener broke as soon as She started opening the tin of salmon.

The language, Readers!  There were about three puncture marks in the tin, which meant there was no way of getting the salmon out of it.   Some jabbing with a serrated knife was tried, which achieved little and was frankly dangerous, and eventually we had to fall back on our usual tactic.  Yes indeed, the neighbours .  Lovelyneighbourontheright had one of those sturdy electric tin openers, so this was passed over the fence with a quick pause for conversation.  When She returned to the kitchen with the sturdy electric tin-opener, there was no sign of the tin of salmon.  After some hunting around it was discovered in my bed.  I have no idea how it got there.

Now I had not managed to remove the salmon from the tin any more than She had, but there was a possibility, and I say only a possibility, that the tin had been in my mouth from its journey from the working surface to my bed.  I would imagine this thought would have been enough for most of you to chuck the tin of salmon in the bin – but oh no.  Red salmon costs a fortune!!  And we’d gone to all the effort of borrowing the sturdy electric tin opener from Lovelyneighbourontheright!  So there was no way that tin was going anywhere but into the tin opener (She did give it a wipe round first) and the red salmon was duly enjoyed on the salad.

I know, it’s disgusting. 

The weekend was very busy here, what with Lad and his new job in Designer Retail.  Of course, Friday night being Friday night, there was a party in a town far away and this went on very late, so poor Lad had no choice but to stay in the town far away and come back on a morning train ready to start his shift at midday.  And what do you think – it was a SEVEN hour shift!!  Yes, Lad did not finish until 7pm and had to be picked up as he could barely stand.   It really is too much.  Then Lad had to go to work again the next day – Sunday is meant to be a day of rest!  No wonder his feet ache.  

Another disadvantage to Lad having a Proper Job is that he is no longer here to do menial tasks in the garden.   I found this quite funny actually, as it meant She had to spend all weekend raking up the leaves/rotten apples/rotten pears and cutting the grass, not to mention cutting back the raspberry canes and pulling out a load of nettles.  You see, this wasn’t thought through when Lad was forced to get a proper job, was it?!  Oh no.  You may be wondering why Young Lad wasn’t coerced into helping, but Young Lad felt a bit “under the weather” and was having a lie down.  All day.

So the weekend was spent gardening, moaning, moving some furniture around, moaning, washing and ironing, moaning, and driving Lad to and from work, moaning.  Young Lad had rallied enough on Sunday to go to football and run around in the fresh air for an hour and a half.  I quite enjoyed this as I went too, and had a lovely walk around the playing fields.

When we got home from football, Young Lad sat down to do his homework and then realised that one of the tasks was to practise piping icing, for Food Technology. (Yes, Food Tech starts again next week!!  I can’t wait!!)  So late in the day on Sunday, Young Lad and She had to knock up some cakes and make icing, which then had to be squeezed through a nozzle at the end of a bag thing, to make a pretty pattern.  It did not make a pretty pattern but it did make a horrific mess and we will be scraping dried up red icing off the working surface for days to come.  Some dropped down the front of the washing machine, as always seems to happen in our kitchen, so I cleaned it up. 

Really, I had quite a chuckle at the weekend.  Once She had spent hours clearing up the garden and cutting the grass, I waited half an hour and then pulled a Pringles tube out of the recycling sack.  I then shredded this into tiny bits and spat it all over the lawn.  Pleased with the effect, I did the same with a Whiskas Cat Food pouch.  As the wind had strengthened by mid-afternoon, all the leaves and remaining rotten apples on the tree fell off so by tea-time it looked like nothing had been done in the garden whatsoever.  You have to laugh.

Well, we’re only two days into the new working week and I have been to dear, dear Ebony’s house both days.  This has been wonderful.  Ebony found some fox poo on our walk today and rolled in it – I was about to join in as you know I am a little partial to it – but Ebony’s Pack Leader shouted at me in a stern voice!  I was so shocked I stood quite still and did not roll in the fox poo.  Ebony carried on rolling in it and took no notice of her Pack Leader shouting.  I was very good.

Tomorrow I’m off to dear Pippa’s house – it’s quite a while since I’ve been there and I feel we have a lot of catching up to do.  It will be much nicer than being at home, that’s for sure.  Tomorrow is also Wednesday which of course means we are on a short bldy window of time to get home from work and out for football training – with a bit of luck I might go to football again and walk around the pitch.  There may well be remnants of discarded packed lunches thrown by school children on their way home – I do hope so.

Good Lord I’m tired tonight!

See you soon,

Russell

Leg lifting

dog-terrier-urinating-in-bush When I need a comfort break, Readers, sometimes it is more comfortable to cock my leg against something.  I have been SHOUTED at several times over the last week over my choice of objects against which to cock my leg.  Last evening I cocked it against the garden reclining seat.  (This had its upholstered cushion on.)  The day before I cocked it against the laundry basket on the grass.  Luckily there were no clothes in it at the time, so I can’t see what the problem is.  I also lifted my leg against the peg basket which was on the lawn.  Now this did have lots of pegs in it, and by the time I had finished they were floating in a yellow pool of liquid. If truth be told, I’ve done this quite a few times and I find it funny.

Anyway I was moaned at a lot and the peg basket was put in the dishwasher to  be sterilised. 

Several days ago we went to visit our dear friend Sicknote.  Now Sicknote had been tidying out her shed (I think Sicknote calls it  an outdoor workroom or such like but let’s call it a shed.)  Sicknote had put some things out on her lawn including a large cardboard box in which some electrical item had been purchased.  I needed a comfort break so I went up and lifted my leg against Sicknote’s box and piddled all down it.  I’m not sure if Sicknote needed the box for anything but it smells a bit now.  Of course She shouted at me and told me how rude I am.

I do enjoy it at Sicknote’s house and headed straight to the kitchen to beg for food.  I didn’t take it from her hands very gently though, and am ashamed to say I nearly took Sicknote’s fingers off. I know this is a minor blemish on my character but it something I need to work on.

Then I went and climbed into Delilah the Basset Hound’s bed and went to sleep.  This was pleasant as Delilah’s bed was positioned nicely in the sun in the garden.  Delilah had to find somewhere else to sleep.  As usual, I made a lot of noise barking and braying at anyone that walked past, so Delilah and the Brown Labrador Charlie had no choice but to join in.  The racket was terrific.  I think Sicknote’s neighbours enjoy it when I go to visit.

There have been fun and games going on here, Readers.  Last week, She donned the special rubber gloves and dug out the Oven Pride in order to clean out the FILTHY ovens.  The top oven was a bit grim but the bottom oven was horrific. It took about three rolls of kitchen towel to clear away the black grease – really it’s quite disgusting.  Anyway, all in all the Oven Cleaning took around an hour and a half.  This was on Friday.  On Sunday, the oven packed up.  You have to laugh, really you do.  All that cleaning and scrubbing, and a lot of swearing; a brand new sparkly clean oven is being fitted tomorrow.  Great bldytiming, She said.

I did have a chuckle.

Readers, Lad has returned safely from something called a Music Festival.  This sounds great fun as it involves living in a field for three nights and jumping around to a lot of loud music.  Lad can’t remember much about the Music Festival and wishes they would all stop asking him whether Tinie Tempah was any good.  Lad isn’t sure.  I think Lad has short term memory problems – poor Lad.

Lad and Young Lad start back at school tomorrow, after the long summer break.  They are very excited about this and can barely wait.  Lad says what’s the point of going in when he only has one lesson, and the rest are private study sessions .  Lad has now had the point explained to him very clearly and the phrases bldyYear13  and ALevels and Getonwithit have been floated around.

Young Lad says he has a RUBBISH first day back tomorrow as it is MATHS first session and he also has PE.  Poor Young Lad.  Oh dear.  Young Lad has just been told he has football training tomorrow night, too.  This hasn’t gone down well.

Well I have some very bad news, Friends.  Very bad news indeed.  Someone not too far away from me is now working FULL TIME.  Yes indeed this means Monday-Friday with NO DAYS OFF.  And we’re not talking 9-5 here, Readers, we’re talking LONG days.  I am not happy about the situation at all but of course nobody has asked me for my opinion.  The good thing, of course, is that I will spend a little more time with my dear friends Ebony and Pippa and can continue to educate them in the way of stealing food, but this isn’t the point.  FULL TIME is unacceptable.  The house will be more disorganised than usual – we’ve already run out of cat food and we’re only on day two for the love of God!  Lad has just been instructed to buy a tin of Whiskas on his way home from the gym.

All I can say is that standards will drop even further.  I’ll be surprised if anyone gets a proper home-cooked meal or has clean clothes to wear – you just watch this space.  Poor Lad and Young Lad, and poor Gingercat and I.  We will have to fend for ourselves.

Tonight, for example, it has become apparent that I have an ear infection.  I have been shaking my ears a lot for days, and scratching, and now my ear is all red and inflamed inside.  “OhForGod’sSake!” was the response, Readers, rather than “oh you poor dear boy let me make an appointment with the Evil Vet forthwith.”  There will be a bad-tempered attempt to squeeze some drops down my ear tonight, which won’t last long as I’ll try to bite her hand off.

Well we will have to see how it goes.  I have to  warn you that my blog entries will be few and far between from now on as someone will be too busy to help me write them.  The selfishness.

I suppose I should apologise to Sicknote for piddling up the side of her big box, but really you shouldn’t leave things on the lawn when I go round to visit. 

Golly I’m tired.

See you soon.

Russell