Why, Why, Why



Delilah came round to visit me on Monday.  Sicknote had taken her to the Evil Vet to discuss Delilah’s appalling behaviour and they popped in for lunch afterwards.  This was pleasant in some ways as Sicknote has excellent manners and knows guests should never pitch up empty handed – therefore Sicknote had stopped at PetsRVetsRToysRus or whatever it’s called and bought me some chews.  More of those later.  It was also pleasant in that She made some effort and baked a fruit cake, so there was a nice smell in the kitchen for once and of course cake mixture dripping down the washing machine for me to clean up.

However there were some disadvantages to having Delilah the Bassett Hound here for a couple of hours.   To start with Delilah wanted me to play with her and kept chasing me round my own lounge, and of course Regular Readers know that I’m not one for frivolous playing.   I  joined in for a while, and did some strange jumping actions and whinnied like a pony once or twice, but really that was enough.   I had no choice but to snap aggressively at her a few times so that she got the message.  Thankfully Young Lad was happy to play with Delilah so I could lie on the sofa for a rest.

Then of course we were dragged out for a walk, even though I had been for a four mile trek over the fields in the morning.  This was quite unnecessary and I had no desire to go out a second time, but because Delilah was our guest I was forced into another walk over the Rec.  This turned out to be quite entertaining as Delilah ran off at quite an impressive speed for a large Bassett Hound and She had to run like the wind after her – Delilah even crossed a road (well, more of a cul-de-sac) and there was much consternation.  I, of course, behaved impeccably and stood quietly while the runaway was recaptured.  This is exactly what I do when dear, dear Ebony behaves like a plonker, and I am proud of how well I compare to my friends in these instances.

Oh yes, the chews.  They were very large solid things, so my Pack Leader gave one first of all to Delilah as she was the guest, and then gave one to me.  Delilah dropped hers on the carpet which was a classic schoolboy error.  In one swift movement I managed to grab Delilah’s solid chew WITHOUT dropping my own!  This showed remarkable skill and dexterity, and I ran off under the dining room table where I tried my best to stuff them both down my gullet as fast as possible.  This was tricky as they were so solid, and She climbed under the table in a very inelegant manner, shouting at me. 

It was nice seeing Sicknote and Delilah but I was glad when they left as Sicknote would insist on perching on the part of the sofa that I wanted to occupy.  In fact, I shoved myself quite firmly behind her when she leant forward and thankfully she took the hint and they went home.

Yesterday was a quieter day as Young Lad and Lad were here; one of them was studying hard and there are no prizes for guessing which one.  She had gone to London to meet old friends for a long lunch which seemed to turn into a ridiculously long lunch – at no point has a meal ever lasted that many hours for me!  He and Young Lad went out in the evening, and Lad was left in charge at home.  Suddenly, Lad decided to go to the gym which shows an excellent attitude towards health and fitness, but he neglected to put the kitchen bin outside the back door.  Thus I had no choice but to empty the bin, which was disgusting and over-flowing, all over the kitchen floor and drag lots of it into the lounge.  How Lad laughed when he returned from the gym.  “You cheeky young pup,” he said, or words to that effect.  Lad sent some photos of the mess to She in London but She didn’t really care.  So Lad had to clean up the floor and hoover the carpet – there were several orange splodges on the carpet which will necessitate some scrubbing with the Dr Beckmann stain remover tomorrow and a lot of swearing.

It was a beautiful day today, and we went for a long walk right up into Top, Top Field and beyond.  Altogether today’s walk was just over four miles and so our daily average is still doing well.  There were some young people on BMX bikes, which was quite annoying, as I do dislike the noise they make, although She says she loves the petrol smell.  I know, Readers, I thought that too.

Then there has been some frantic lawn-mowing this afternoon in an attempt to improve the look of the place before the rain comes back, and half-hearted effort to tidy up.  Detention Friend arrived promptly at 5.30 for his dinner with Young Lad, and then off they went to football training for the evening – rather them than me as it is FREEZING tonight.

Do you know, Readers, it is TWO YEARS since I started writing my blog?  I know!  Time just flies.  Yes indeed, it is TWO YEARS since our friend was poorly in the Marsden with some nastiness, and I’m very pleased to report that he is still doing well.  It is over ONE YEAR since I published my book!  Honestly, the things one can accomplish if one puts one’s mind to it.  Wouldn’t it be nice if the rest of  my family learned from my example?

Tomorrow, Friends, I am going to visit Grandma with He, Lad and Young Lad.  This will be very enjoyable as Grandma cooks very good food indeed and really loves me.

See you soon.


Because I Can

The answer to the question “why on earth would you chuck a packet of matches round the floor you stupid dog?” is simply: because I can.  Ditto what possessed me to carry a glass vase into the lounge, or pull the tin foil/cling film/baking paper out of the cupboard and throw it on the kitchen floor, adding random trainers and slippers for good measure.  And the same answer also suffices when asked why Gingercat’s flea treatments and catnip toys are all over the floor.

This was all in one glorious morning, Readers, and truly was the best fun I’ve had for ages.  In actual fact in was all in a two-hour slot one morning.  The house was trashed when She returned from the early train/school run and ‘popping into town’ to recover from the trauma of these two things.

Yes, I have had company this week as She had a week off work.  The thing is, I am a creature of habit and routine and I don’t like my routine upset – whilst it has been pleasant having my Pack Leader around a little more than usual, I have found the constant coming and going very irritating. She says this has been no bldy “week off” whatsoever as it has involved the 6am alarm every day, early morning panic driving to the station, school runs in the pouring rain morning and night, and a lot of dashing around collecting packages, prescriptions and clothes for Lad and Young Lad.  Plus football training in the rain for an hour on Wednesday night.  Still, parts of the house are looking a little tidier it has to be said and there are two new plants by the front door. I imagine they won’t live long. Plus I’ve cuddled up a couple of times on the sofa at lunchtimes to watch an episode of The Good Doctor which seems to be the new go-to TV programme. You’ll notice it is of the medical genre yet again. Yawn.

But you see, I am used to the routine of going to dear, dear Ebony or Pippa for daycare, and so I’ve had no choice but to behave like a ‘total arse’ every time I’ve been left alone for an hour.

I was called an even ruder name than that on Thursday, when a package arrived for Lad  (designer jeans) and whilst She was on the afternoon school run I ripped the package open to see what was inside.  It was very disappointing.  The thing is, Readers, I didn’t damage the jeans inside the package and actually nobody would have noticed anyway as they have deliberate “rips” in them.  Lad paid a LOT of money for these ripped designer jeans and I could have ripped them for him for a fraction of the price – why does nobody think of these things?

Lad asked She if She liked his new designer ripped jeans for which he paid a bldyridiculous amount of money, and I felt it was insensitive to say he looked like a painter and decorator in them.  Along with the carefully placed rips are lots of spots and splodges of paint.  It took someone at an expensive brand a VERY long time and a LOT of skill to design these.

The other problem with She not being at work this week is that I’ve been moaned at about my weight gain from the incessant bin raiding.   (Pot, kettle – I’ve said it before.) So I have been dragged out on lots of VERY long walks. We have averaged seven miles a day and a lot of it has been uphill, which is frankly unnecessary. I have rolled in fox poo a few times and due to this have been on the lead for a lot of the subsequent marathons.  Yesterday we went for our second walk of the day, this time along a disused railway line that has a nice cafe a couple of miles down.  Once we arrived (panting and damp from the drizzle) at the cafe, She had a chat with lots of people She knows and this got on my nerves.  I tried looking under the tables for food and very  nearly pulled a metal table over in the process.  Then we went in to splash out £1.80 on a mug of tea, and what do you know?  There was a box full of dog biscuits for patrons to take for their four-legged friends.  She snapped “you don’t deserve one, you’ve been a bldynightmare all week,” but finally gave in and let me have two.   They were nice but barely touched the sides.

It hasn’t really stopped raining all week.  Tonight it is lashing down yet again, and we’ve just come back from a shorter-than-usual trek (2.5 miles) in the rain.  I had to be rubbed down with towels and now I am making the house smell of wet dog, so lots of candles have been lit.  Well don’t take me out in the rain, then!  I was perfectly happy in my chair.

Readers, despite the pouring rain Lad is at a music festival in some woods today.  This started at lunchtime and goes on until late.  I fail to see the attraction of standing in a soaking wet forest dancing around to strange music – some people have a very odd idea of having a good time.  I imagine poor Lad will be cold and wet and then a bit poorly next week.  This is a shame as next week is half term, so Lad and Young Lad are both off school for the week. I am SO relieved that at long last there will be no 6am alarm clock waking Gingercat and I from our slumbers.

And that reminds me – tonight the clocks go back!  Yes, I love this annual event as it means we get an extra hour in bed!  What could be better!

Well, Readers, Young Lad has just been ordered to put the oven on ready for tonight’s dinner to be cooked – this will be eaten on the sofa as it’s Saturday night and a larger than normal Gordon will be popping round to help ease the pain of a week ferrying Lad and Young Lad around and doing their errands.  And clearing up the house after me.

Enjoy that extra hour tonight, British Readers.

Bye for now,



Three Times A Week

weekly calendar Last week, Readers, I was abominable.  I managed to empty the very full, very smelly kitchen bin not once, not twice, but THREE times in the space of five days.  I know what you’re thinking – surely the penny would drop and someone in the house would have emptied it/ put it outside but no.  After clearing up all the rubbish I had scattered over the lounge carpet three times, they simply put the full, smelly bin back in the kitchen again.

On one of these occasions there had been a large dollop of old cauliflower cheese in the bin which was particularly fragrant, and I did my best to smear some on the lounge carpet so I would think that will reek for quite some time.  

Why does anyone make cauliflower cheese?  It smells like old dishcloths and looks quite similar too.  Obviously I ate it very happily but I can’t say it’s my favourite.

Anyway, Lad had to clear up one lot of my bin looting from the lounge carpet and under the table and he was very cross with me.  The first occasion, however, was left to poor Lovelyneighbourontheright who had gallantly agreed to let me out during the day while everyone was at work/school on Monday.  Lovelyneighbourontheright thought this was going to be a five minute job –  little did she know that my stupid family had forgotten to put the bin outside the back door before going to work, and so she had to spend a very long time cleaning up all the disgusting tea bags and packaging from the lounge carpet.  I feel this is well beyond the call of duty for our neighbours, and is very poor on my family’s part.

Anyway, I had a very happy week going through the bins.

It was a funny old week  with everyone at work and school for extra long hours, and to be honest I felt quite neglected.  Dear, dear Pippa was unavailable to have me round for daycare, so I spent four days with dear, dear Ebony.  I had a lovely time sleeping on Ebony’s armchair of a day while Ebony had to sleep on the floor beneath me, occasionally looking up winsomely to see if she could get into her armchair.  She couldn’t.

As well as the three loads of bin trashing there were two episodes of fox poo rolling last week.  Really, I had a cracking few days! 

Young Lad had an early football match yesterday morning and I was taken along too.  Young Lad and Detention Friend have to be there for warm-up forty minutes before the game starts, so She and I walked round and round the outer field for this time.  I enjoyed this as it is quite rural, and there were lots of interesting smells and textures, but She moaned a lot as it was soaking wet underfoot in the long grass.  Look, She had debated whether to wear wellington boots before leaving home but felt that stout walking boots would suffice – stout but not waterproof – and this proved to be a HUGE mistake.  Within minutes boots, socks and feet were soaked through and there was still half an hour before kick-off.  Thus one had to stand in very wet, very cold feet for two hours and this was plenty of time in which to think about one’s bad decision.

To be honest my feet were soaked as well and it wasn’t the most pleasant for me either. I was cold and shivered, and when the football nearly hit me it was just the final straw.

Next Sunday I will be very happy to stay at home while they go to football.  I could have a lie-in with Lad.

Readers, I have some bad news about Young Lad and Food Tech.  You will remember how excited I was about Thai Green chicken curry – well, usually there is a “demonstration” lesson in Week A, followed by the practical in Week B.  Unfortunately Young Lad’s Food Tech teacher was off sick in week A, so Young Lad felt it was impossible for them to do the practical session in Week B.  I do hope you’re keeping up.  So Young Lad didn’t take his ingredients to the lesson in Week B, thinking it would now be the demonstration lesson, but it turns out Young Lad was the only person in his class who thought this, and everyone else made Thai Green chicken curry.  Young Lad had to watch.  We now have a load of ingredients in the fridge such as red chillis and curry paste, that we are unlikely to need.  She says Young Lad has to make it at home whether anyone wants it or not, to use up all  the bldyingredients  She bought.

It has rained and rained and rained for days, nay weeks.  As you know, football was called off due to waterlogged pitches for two Sundays running, and Loadsakids and She knew that it was too much to hope that there would be a third week’s respite.  Indeed, much of today has been spent trying to scrape off six  inches of wet mud from Young Lad’s football boots, which I’m sure was a pleasant and satisfying task.  Then the sink had to be disinfected and bleached as did the walls as somehow the mud splashes right up them when one is cleaning football boots.  There is an outdoor tap – I’m just saying….

There was a good effort on the culinary front here over the weekend, with leek and potato soup AND shepherd’s pie made on our return from football.  This was due to the fact that everyone was freezing cold and soaking wet, and hearty warming food was needed.  I wasn’t given any, of course, and have been told I need to lose weight after all the bin-raiding.  Rude and hypocritical, if you ask me.

I was taken for a three-mile walk today to emphasise this point.  Due to my recent poor record with fox-poo rolling I wasn’t allowed off the lead and I feel this was harsh.  There is a difference between going for a three -mile walk and being dragged round the fields for three miles.  On the way back I saw my good friend Buddy the Bouncy Labrador who has recently had a big operation, so he was also on the lead to stop him bouncing too much.  We commiserated with each other.

There has been an eye kept on the news on the telly today, as there is something going on with Brexit whatever that is.  I’m not convinced that anyone really knows.  Anyway, She has been trying to follow the latest developments which Young Lad and Lad agree are very boring, and She finds very confusing.  Gingercat and I just sleep through it and I feel this is probably the best tactic for most people.

We slept through the Wet Sham match on the telly the other day, too, whilst He and Lad shouted and sighed a lot.

Lad and Young Lad can’t wait for the end of this week, as they break up for half term.  Hopefully this will mean a week of no ridiculous alarm clocks going off at 6am – I really do need a lie-in.

Golly I’m tired.

See you soon,








Rude Names

fox poo

Today, Readers, I have been called a lot of very bad names.  I feel this was unwarranted and unjustified.  All that happened is that while I was out on my lovely Sunday morning walk over the fields, I found a massive pile of fox poo that had diluted a lot in the incessant rain we’ve experienced and I rolled over and over and over in it.  It was glorious, Friends, and I took good care to rub lots of it under my ears and into my neck where it’s hard to wash off.

When She finally looked back and realised I wasn’t anywhere to be seen, there was some frantic blowing of the whistle, which I tactically ignored.   Eventually I had enough of the rolling and trotted over to my Pack Leader, to proudly show her the amount of muck on me.  Thus I was shouted at and called a rude name, and all the way home more rude names were thrown in my direction.  “Russell you are a total arse,” was one of them.  I ask you!   I was pulled away from nice clean dogs heading towards me, so that I didn’t contaminate their sparkly white fur and special humiliation was made of me when we bumped into Barney the Oh So Adorable Beagle who was, of course, as white as the snow. What a fuss over nothing.  Once home I was dragged upstairs and put into the bath, where Young Lad and She lathered me up with special Fox Poo shampoo and scrubbed hard.  Well, She did the scrubbing while Young Lad squeezed shampoo onto my back.

Then of course the bathroom had to be bleached to within an inch of its life and major disinfecting was the order of the day.  Oh the moaning.  To be frank, the bathroom was well overdue a good clean and She knows it.  It took an hour, in all, to bath me and then clean the bathroom and don’t we know it.

It’s not the first time I’ve been in trouble this week.  On Wednesday morning, everyone had left the house by 7.20am (Lad’s train leaves at 7.26 so you can see what a gamble this is each day) and dear, dear Pippa’s Pack Leader was coming to collect me at 7.45am.  This gave me a window of approximately twenty minutes.  It was enough.  Someone had inadvertently forgotten that I can open the cupboard where Gingercat’s food used to be stored, and this foolish soul had put a new box of cat food in there.  I soon had that out, and ripped it open – in the remaining 18 minutes, Friends, I managed to drag it into the lounge and eat NINE, yes, NINE sachets of cat food.  That is one heck of an achievement if I say so myself – those foil packets are not the easiest to open, you know!!  Mathematicians amongst you will have calculated that it took me 2 minutes per sachet.  Plus a little time for throwing all the ripped up foil sachets under the dining room table.

When Pippa’s Pack Leader Male came in to collect me, he was aghast at the mess and took photos on his phone as evidence, which I felt was uncalled-for.

Readers, I had the most appalling wind for the rest of the day.  By the evening, when my family returned home weary from their long days at work or school, I was not able to hold back and the house absolutely STANK.  Indeed, Lad and She walked round the entire house carefully, so sure were they that I had had a major accident somewhere.  I hadn’t.  I’m not that sort of dog.  But oh dear, did my stomach hurt and did the gas keep expelling….I was very tired all day at Pippa’s house and had no choice but to sleep a lot.  My stomach was distended for two whole days.

The following day, dear Ebony’s Pack Leader looked after me for the day and having heard of my bad behaviour with the cat food, took me out for a SIX MILE walk.  I know!  I could barely make it back, Readers, and was hardly able to stand by the end of it.  My stomach had deflated a little by the end of it, though.

Anyway, they can all stop complaining as I am clean and fluffy tonight so will be a pleasant bed-mate.

It has been a busy week here as usual – really, they fly by with this silly new Working Full Time regime.  Lad has been working hard and getting better marks and they went to his last ever Parents’ Evening on Wednesday – this was an unusually uplifting experience and was generally quite pleasant!  Well done, Lad.  Young Lad, too, has been achieving greater things at school – Regular Readers will remember his lofty ambitions for 50% in most things – but a latest Maths test produced 33 out of 43 marks.  Well done, Young Lad!  Yes, I have wondered about the strangeness of a Maths test that has 43 marks, and find this irksome.  Surely they could have popped another couple of questions in so that it was out of 45 instead of a silly prime number.

But it’s good to see my loved ones making a little progress. Even the culinary front has improved a little lately, with a full Sunday roast today (chicken, lovely) and home-made fruit scones for Sunday tea.  That said, the final load of washing for the weekend has still to find its way to the tumble dryer, the airing cupboard hasn’t been emptied and nobody’s school uniform is ironed and ready for tomorrow.  Apparently this is my fault for taking up an hour of precious time with the bathroom debacle.

My good friend Buddy the Bouncy Labrador has been a little under the weather recently and not quite as Bouncy as usual – on investigation from the Evil Vet it was found that he had a perforated stomach.  This is Very Bad, Readers, and poor Buddy had to have an operation.  He is back home now and very happy on a special diet of chicken for a little while – I feel I would like this diet too.  Anyway, I do hope Buddy is back to bouncing around at the river soon.

It’s Food Tech at school for Young Lad this week, and apparently it is Thai Green Chicken Curry week.  She had to pop to Tesco and purchase creamed coconut and chillies and the like – I’m not sure I’ll enjoy Thai Green Chicken Curry but am prepared to give it a go.  It might give me a final good clear out after all that cat food – I’ll let you know how I get on.

What an exhausting day, and the bathroom really did need a good clean, it was awful.

Bye for now,


Whopper Web


Yesterday, Readers, someone actually found time to do something about the state of the garden. This – much like myself, Lad and Young Lad – has been sadly neglected over the last few weeks and was in a terrible state.  The lawn was like a jungle, albeit one covered in squashed rotten pears and apples from the tree, and a lot of hard work was needed.  The plan had been that She would tackle the grass and apples, whilst Lad would pluck up his courage and clear out the shed.

The reality was somewhat different.

Lad said he was “busy” (he wasn’t) and would do the shed next weekend.  Not satisfied with this idea, She huffed and puffed and said She would clear out the bldyshed.  How I laughed as I watched the protective layers being donned, finished off with a sturdy pair of industrial rubber gloves.  For goodness sake, what a fuss. Well all I can say is that the next hour and a half was most entertaining for Gingercat and I, as we sat in the garden and watched items being dragged out of the shed at great speed and thrown on the lawn at great speed in case there was a Monstrous Arachnid on them.  Camping chairs (we NEVER go camping), a tent (ditto), the car roof box, bikes, jump leads, the slip n slide plastic thing, Young Lad’s huge paddling pool thing and the pump that we never managed to work,  and an assortment of half full pots of paint and creosote.  Honestly, the  mess!  I cannot believe that your garden sheds look like this, Readers.

Anyway, eventually all the contents were thrown on the lawn and given a good hosing down to remove all the cobwebs.

Then came the tricky bit.  It was necessary now to Enter the Shed with a large brush.  Gingercat and I were thoroughly enjoying this by now, and chuckled at the “whoa!!” shouts that punctuated Saturday afternoon.   I do wish the neighbours could have seen it all. Before too long the exceptionally large white web had been knocked down and then the hose was put on full force to blast every tiny remnant of web/nest/eggs away.  More shouts of “WHOA!” as some particularly large black spiders objected to this treatment.

Deary me, the drama.  I was very glad to get back inside and have a sleep.  Her friend Gordon had to pop round in the evening to help She recover from the experience.

I had a lovely walk at the river yesterday afternoon – it was a beautiful day and really quite warm.  People were out in Tshirts and light jackets, which seemed to brighten everyone’s mood.  My mood was brightened even more when who came bounding up to me but dear, dear Pippa!  Oh it was marvellous, and we romped around for ages.  At one point I wandered over to the river bank to have a look in, and Pippa crashed into me so hard I nearly fell in, but I feel sure she didn’t do this on purpose.  We walked on for ages together, whilst our Pack Leaders talked nineteen to the dozen.  Life is good on afternoons like this.

Young Lad should have had a football match at luncthime today but due to heavy downpours during the night, many pitches were waterlogged and the games were called off.  (I think that her friend Loadsakids and She showed very poor spirit by texting each other with thumbs up signs.)  So we had the prospect of a rare Sunday at home.  It stopped raining in the morning so we collected Lovelyneighbourontheright’s Bouncy Cockapoo and went for a very long walk.  It was a little wet underfoot but generally quite nice.

She then started cooking proper Sunday roast dinner – I know!- whilst Young Lad did some homework and Lad did, er, not much.  Then at ten to one the doorbell went – I  barked and barked as I am such a good guard dog, and everyone told me to shut up.  Detention Friend was at the door in his football kit.  Detention Friend had failed to look at his phone and see the message that football was off, so had arrived punctually for his lift.  Oh dear.  Well, Detention Friend looked so dejected that we said he could come in anyway, and might as well stay for Sunday lunch.  Detention Friend stopped looking dejected at this point and was soon laughing with Young Lad.   To be fair, Detention Friend struck lucky today as it was roast potatoes, Yorkshires, stuffing, onion gravy… the lot!  How often does that happen here!  Detention Friend cleared his plate which annoyed me a little as there was very little to pre-rinse as it went in the dishwasher.  Mind you the other plates were covered in gravy, stuffing and bits of potato so I had a lovely time.

Readers, I am ashamed to report some poor behaviour here today.  Young Lad had French homework, which was to write a paragraph about something or other.  Young Lad couldn’t find his exercise book so She told him to do  it on the computer.  She did NOT, Friends, I reiterate NOT tell him to write the paragraph in English and then use Google translate to turn it into French.  There was a heated discussion about the ethics of this, and what Young Lad doesn’t know is that he will be re-doing the French homework tomorrow night.  Really, that’s a very poor show.

Lad and He went to watch Wet Sham play yesterday.  The mood was not good on their return and Lad had to  look through the cupboards for a beer or any stiff drink.  The only such drink is Gordon and this is guarded very closely so Lad had to make do with Lidl sugar-free tropical drink.  Poor Lad.

Well, we have another busy week ahead of us with our Pack Leader far too busy to look after us, so I will be going to Pippa and dear Ebony’s houses.  Lad and Young Lad will have to fend for themselves – they are becoming a dab hand with oven chips.   On Wednesday Lad has the dreaded Parents’ Evening at his school and this always seems quite a sombre occasion.  How will Young Lad and Detention Friend get to football training, for Pete’s sake!  Has anyone thought of this?

Honestly, the standard of care just drops by the day.

Golly I’m exhausted,  Bye for now,




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