Party On

party Yesterday, Friends, I was left alone for a couple of hours and this is never a wise move on a Saturday afternoon.  Bored beyond belief, I had a good look round to see what I could get up to, and from the first kitchen cupboard I opened I dragged a new jumbo sized box of PG Tips teabags into the lounge.  I ripped it open and threw teabags all over the lounge floor.  I went back into the kitchen and found a new pack of beers on the floor by the fridge – they are for Lad – so I ripped that box up as well, and the beers rolled all over the kitchen floor.  I know for a fact that Lad will be very pleased that I’ve made it easier to access his beers.

Of course I was shouted at when they all came home.

It had been a funny old day yesterday.  Detention Friend appeared quite early in the morning and spent several hours with Young Lad on the Xbox.  This was ‘unacceptable’ it seems, though it looked great fun, and they were told they had to go out for some fresh air.  Neither Young Lad nor Detention Friend wanted any fresh air.  In the end a compromise was met and they drove over to a nice town a little way away, so that Young Lad could spend some of his birthday gift vouchers (from many months ago) and She could sit in John Lewis with the bi-annual free cup of coffee and fruit scone.  She had even packed a Good Book to read.  Alas, the plan went wrong from the off.  Once the Saturday-5-weeks-before-Christmas traffic had been negotiated and the bunfight in the car park survived, it transpired that Young Lad had failed to bring his wallet with him.  Thus Young Lad and Detention Friend were only occupied for half an hour in MacDonalds so there was no leisurely reading of the Good Book over the free coffee and scone.  Soon they returned, dejected and cross, and saw the mess I’d made all over the shop in their absence.

In the meantime, of course, He and Lad were having an equally underwhelming time at Wet Sham where they lost to Tottenham.  You can sense the mood here last night.

Anyway more important than any of this, is the news that I am gravely injured.  Yes, Friends, I am hopping around holding my back left leg in the air in a pitiful way, but nobody has taken me to the Evil Vet because they all hope it will get better on its own to avoid a big bill.  It started last week when I was at dear Pippa’s house for daycare – out on our morning walk, I did something to my back leg and it really hurt.  From then on I could barely put it to the ground.  Pippa’s Pack Leader is very loving and caring and bathed my paw in warm water, but it didn’t do the trick and I was still limping when I went home.

I’ve kept up the limping and holding it up for a few days now – sometimes I forget, like if I hear some food drop somewhere and then I appear to be able to run like the wind on four legs as normal – but when I remember to hold it up, I do.  And obviously I ripped into the beers and teabags quite happily on four legs, but that’s not the point.  I have needed to ‘rest’ quite a lot so on Thursday, as Lad had another non-pupil day, I slept happily all day long and Lad deliberately didn’t take me out so that my injury could heal.  That is his story and he’s sticking to it.

I did go for a walk with dear, dear Ebony on Friday and didn’t limp once while we were out, but after I’d had a good sleep in Ebony’s nice armchair later on, I did remember to limp again.

She says that if I’m still limping by Wednesday I’ll have to go the bldy Evil Vet anyway, and God help me if there’s a massive bill.

Wednesday is still a long time off. You would think a caring family might make an appointment a little sooner but I am very low on the list of priorities after Working Full Time and Young Lad’s parents’ evening on Tuesday night.

Today we had a late kick-off for Young Lad’s football match which some people described as bldyinconvenient.   It was an Away fixture, which meant forty minutes of driving around the countryside swearing at Google maps and ending up in a cul-de-sac on a housing estate.  Detention Friend was made to get out of the car and ask a local resident for directions, and so after another good ten minutes of windey country roads and “wheretheheckisthisbldyfootballground?” being muttered, we arrived in an over-crowded car park.  Alas, the trauma still wasn’t over as there were HUNDREDS of bldyfootball pitches and we had to walk miles to find the correct one.  This was unfortunate for me with my three good legs.

Would you believe it – once we found the correct football pitch for Lad and Detention Friend’s game, it was within school grounds and dogs were not allowed.  Thus She and I could not join all the other parents to moan about satnav, Google Maps and life in general and we had to stand alone the other side of a wire fence.  It was like something from Prison Break.

It was a pleasant way to spend the afternoon, I suppose, and it wasn’t cold – a child had dropped a few crisps on the ground so I cleaned them up and that whiled away a few seconds.  To be honest I was quite glad to get home, though, and Detention Friend, Young Lad and I all slept soundly in the car all the way back through the country roads.  

While we were at football, a nice lady with a spaniel came to chat and said that she was thinking of getting a beagle, and what did my Pack Leader think about them?  Well, Friends, you can imagine both the tone and the content of THAT conversation.  The words BLDY, NIGHTMARE, INSANE, and NEVER AGAIN filtered through the Autumnal air.  The lady said thank you very much and wandered on.

Golly I am exhausted tonight. It is hard work holding one paw in the air for much of the time.

See you soon,

Russell

 

 

Two In The Bed

Two in the bed

I was not happy about this, Readers.  Not happy at all.  It all started when She shouted at me for having rolled in fox poo on the final stretch of our walk yesterday – we nearly managed four miles through country fields with me staying pristine, and in fact several people had remarked on this – but on the way home I found a nice patch and so down went my shoulder and I rolled.  When we got home I had to be scrubbed, and was then told to get in my bed.  Well I couldn’t!  Gingercat was in in it!  I stood by the side of my bed looking very sad, with the biggest, glummest brown eyes you’ve ever seen. There was no sympathy however, and I was given a push and told to bunk up with Gingercat.  Look how squashed I am!  Gingercat has twice the space I do.  Really it was too much and I was very upset.

No, I don’t believe that this is how dear, dear Ebony or Pippa feel when I get into their beds. 

It’s been a busy old week here.  I spent several days with dear Ebony and I think she thoroughly enjoyed my company – we had a marvellous walk one day up to Top Top Field and got up to mischief.  Ebony ran off, and at exactly the same time I found a huge pile of horse manure that had been dumped in the field, so Ebony’s Pack Leader had to try retrieving Ebony and pulling me out of the manure heap at the same time.  I showed her how I felt about this, and ran back to the manure heap as soon as her back was turned.    It was quite stressful for Ebony’s Pack Leader but Ebony and I had a laugh.

I also went to daycare at dear Pippa’s house and was very well-behaved, raising my head from the soft furnishings only when it was time for lunch and the cheese came out.  That’s always my favourite part of the day at Pippa’s house.

Yesterday, being Saturday, I had a very long walk down by the river, over the bridge and a long way up through the field.  It was very muddy and there were glorious smells all over the shop.  As we went round the back of Top Field, She became a little agitated as a man appeared from the woods all on his own.  Now, it is common knowledge that if a man is in Top Field on his own and without a dog, he is clearly up to No Good and so one has to Walk Quickly and Assertively and Pretend One is Talking On The Phone To The Police.  Thankfully, after a pregnant pause, a large German Shepherd caught up with him and so we could stop the assertive walking and pretend talking, as it is well-known that any man appearing from the woods with a German Shepherd is no threat at all.

I ask you.

NiceDogWalkerLady with the chocolate labrador was down there yesterday, with her husband, and we stopped for a chat.  NiceDogWalkerLady’s husband couldn’t remember whether I was me, or the other beagle called Barney The Oh-So Adorable Beagle – the confusion was because both Barney and my Pack Leaders have what NiceDogWalkerLady’s husband described as “silvery” hair. My Pack Leader was not impressed with this  choice of language and flared her nostrils.  Clearly NiceDogWalkerLady’s husband doesn’t know much about sophisticated highlights.

And so to today – and another long, glorious walk through autumnal fields.  We bumped into my friend Buddy the Bouncy Labrador, who was extremely bouncy and in fact soaking wet as he had been bouncing in the river.  I have to say that Buddy looked remarkably well as he has been poorly recently and had a big operation, and indeed is on treatment called chemotherapy – well, there were no signs of side effects, I can tell you!  Buddy was as full of beans as ever.

On the home front, She went to the cinema with her good friend Loadsakids on Friday night to see a film that turned out to be quite scary.  There was a lot of jumping in seats and bad language, but somehow this is all very enjoyable it seems, and counts as a good time.

Lad went to a town far away with his friends on Friday night to let off steam, which was only right as Lad has been working very hard for yet more exams.  Lad arrived back home in the small hours of the morning and decided this was just the time to cook a small meal.  I quite agree with him.  Young Lad has done a LITTLE homework today and then endured a very cold football match.  I’m glad they didn’t take me as it was on astroturf this time, and there is no fun whatsoever in walking round artificial grass for an hour and a half. 

Now here’s a strange thing.  While Lad was revising yesterday, he suddenly shouted out “what does libido mean – is it sex drive?” and it seems that this is an unusual thing to ask one’s mother.  It turned out that Lad was revising A Level Biology, so in actual fact it was a perfectly acceptable question to shout out and did not need all the snorting.

It is bitterly cold tonight, Friends.  I know my Readers in Australia will find this hard to believe as they are yet again in the middle of a heatwave, but tonight is the coldest night of the year so far.  One of my towels has been draped across the car windscreen as someone can’t be bothered to scrape ice off at 7am tomorrow morning.  To be honest, I can’t wait to get to bed tonight as I’m very tired from all the walking, and the sooner we all hunker down beneath warm duvets, the better.    Food has been appropriately warming today, with leek and potato soup for lunch and lasagne for dinner.  This is probably the last home-made meal that Lad and Young Lad will get for the rest of the week, due to Working Full Time.

Keep warm, Friends.

See you soon,

Russell

 

 

 

Bathroom Bin

bathrrom binIt’s been a while since my last blog, Readers, and for this I do apologise.  My family have been very busy with working full time and going to school etc, and there has been little time for me.  Nothing changes.

The half term holiday seems like a lifetime ago, and this week I have been to dear, dear Pippa and Ebony’s houses for daycare each day.  We’ve had a marvellous time with plenty of long walks, and lots of long sleeps in the armchair as well.  To be honest it’s quite a wrench when I have to go home.  Obviously, as I’ve been chez Pippa and Ebony for the week, I have been very well-behaved and not up to much mischief at all.  However, one morning I was very quick and before Ebony’s Pack Leader had time to collect me I bolted upstairs and emptied the bathroom bin.  There were lots of disgusting things in  there, and I ate them.  Anything I didn’t eat I just threw round the floor.  Really I made a splendid mess, and all this in the space of ten minutes after She leaving for work and Ebony’s Pack Leader picking me up.

Other than the normal throw-the-recycling-round-the-garden activity, I’ve been pretty good even if I say so myself.

Today I went for a VERY long walk along the river, over the bridge and right up into Top Top Top Field!  Yes, we haven’t been there for a while and it was incredibly muddy as there have been lots of BMX bikes riding around and it’s a bit of a mess.   Top Top Top Field itself was lovely – very grassy and lush – and there was something in there that was totally disgusting that I ate.  She got very cross with me as I wouldn’t keep up and actually wandered off in the opposite direction, following the smell of the disgusting something.   Now, Readers, I’m not going to divulge what the disgusting something was but all I will say is that I am cracking the most horrific smells tonight.  Horrific. There are two candles lit already.

I was forced to walk for four miles today, and I am cream crackered tonight.  She says my waistline is still too large and this annoys me intensely – people in glass houses and all that.

Lad has been working very hard for some more exams.  It has felt like a current state of affairs in this house for the past ten years or so it seems, and I do feel sorry for Lad.  There are revision cards and books all over the shop and they are in no apparent order whatsoever but Lad knows what he is doing.  I don’t think we should underestimate him.  Yes it is a little untidy but so what?  I feel it is unnecessary to constantly ask him to put the bldythings in onebldyplace.

Alas due to Lad’s long hours of study, his bedroom has paid a hefty price.  Normally it is just about possible to open the door enough to whip round with the hoover but today this proved too tricky as there was very little carpet visible for hoovering.  So instead She had to content herself with collecting mugs, cups, plates and uneaten breakfast from the past week and called that ‘cleaning’.

Young Lad, too, has been busy.  This morning he was forced to empty the dishwasher BEFORE going on the Xbox – it’s Sunday morning for the love of God! – and then after the Xbox he had to climb upstairs in order to shower and dress.  At the top of the stairs Young Lad tried to tell She something but had to go and sit down as he was ‘out of breath.’ She was incredibly unsympathetic and snapped something about only walkedupthebldystairs so poor Young Lad had to sit and get his breath back on his own.  Later this morning, Young Lad wanted to go to Detention Friend’s house but was mulling over the effort involved in walking up the road.  I think, Friends, that Young Lad was angling for a lift to the top of the road but clearly that wasn’t going to happen.  So poor Young Lad had to walk all the way to the top of the road, AND back again four hours later!  Really this is too much.

While I had a nice sleep this afternoon and Lad quietly studied, She went into town and met her good friend Loadsakids for coffee.  Loadsakids and She talked about all the usual things – bldy kids, bldy dogs- and made each other laugh.  I fail to see what is so amusing.   Loadsakids needed to warm up after a morning at football – however in our house, we had no match as the pitch couldn’t be marked out due to the damage caused by the fireworks and bonfire last week.  Thus Young Lad and Detention Friend had no physical activity today and instead spent four hours on the Xbox.  Young Lad has been spoken to rather firmly tonight.

Well there are some lovely smells coming from the kitchen – not from me, it has to be said as I’ve just let off another shocker – as there is a roast chicken, potatoes stuffing and all the bits in the oven.  It was felt that Lad has been working so hard and needs really good sustenance on a Sunday evening so a proper roast was the way to go – obviously Young Lad has not worked very hard but he has walked up and down the road plus up and down the stairs a few times.  It really does smell lovely, and I’m looking forward to the dishwasher.

Tomorrow I’m off to dear Pippa’s for the day, and the rest of the week will  be spent with Ebony.  She says she hopes my intestines have settled down a little by tomorrow morning as it’s ’embarrassing’ sending me to other people’s houses smelling like a drain.  It’s so rude and unnecessary, Readers.

Have a good week, Friends.

Bye for now,

Russell