Unusual

russell In a dramatic change from the normal way of things, Readers, I have been well- behaved ALL day.  This is extremely rare and I hope the importance of this is fully appreciated.  I have not:

  • emptied any bins round the house
  • dragged any recycling or potato peelings round the back porch
  • trashed any beds
  • raided any food cupboards
  • thrown any stationery around the study floor
  • chewed up any Art equipment

This is largely due to the fact that I simply could not be bothered to get out of my chair for the entire morning, as  I was suffering from excessive exhaustion.  You’ve no idea how tiring my life is.

I can hear you thinking, ah but he obviously wasn’t home alone if he behaved so well.  I can assure you that He and She had gone to work at silly o’clock, Young Lad was at school and Lad …..admittedly Lad was in bed with one of his heads, but actually I had forgotten this when I decided I was too tired to misbehave.  Nobody had sent me to dear Ebony’s or dear Pippa’s houses – I had Been Left Here for the Whole Morning. Alone. (ish).

In fact I was so heavily asleep all morning that I didn’t even hear the friendly local handyman let himself in to put on a new toilet seat for us (could they not even try this simple task themselves?)  Yes indeed; while I slept, somebody entered my home through the front door, walked upstairs and busied themselves in one of the rooms (all right it was only the bathroom, but still) – it would be fair to say I failed in my guard dog duties today, and I didn’t even stir when he went out again.  Of course I’ve been moaned at since they’ve all been home -. what you didn’t even bark for the love of God? You’re useless – and things like that.  I would like to point out that Lad slept through someone entering his home through the front door, walking upstairs and busying themselves in one of the rooms but of course it’s different for Lad!  Course it is!! Lad isn’t told he’s useless.

To get my own back on this unfair criticism, my anal glands have decided to block up again.  This was noticed while I was standing at the kitchen counter tonight begging for the carrot ends – a strong odour was detected and it wasn’t from the new kitchen flooring as initially suspected.  No, this was less eau de vinyl and more eau de fish.  So I’ve been shouted at a bit more and told to stay away from the sofa until some clearing out has occurred.

I know, Readers, new kitchen flooring and a new toilet seat!  It’s virtually a palace round here these days.  The new kitchen floor was needed as the old one was a ridiculous cream colour and showed up every single muddy footprint, splodge of pasta sauce and all the other general crap that covered it.  In a fit of pique, She stormed off to the friendly local flooring man and chose a dark grey one, that shows no dirt whatsoever and therefore can get away with not being cleaned for months on end.  Slovenly attitude.  

Once She was home I was dragged off for a quick walk round the Rec, but as it was drizzling there was a limit to how many times I was prepared to chase after my ball.  Twice in fact.  Other than that She had to keep trying to find the bldy ball, but that served her right for throwing it in the first place.  Ridiculous.

Later we went out again for a proper walk, and this was much nicer.  There were loads of my friends down by the river on the tea-time shift – lots of guilty Working Owners atoning for leaving their pets indoors all day – and it really was quite sociable.  On the way back, who bounced up to me but dear little Lola – a fellow Beagle who is half my size and has much nicer bone structure.  I was pleased to see Lola’s Pack Leader and sat nicely at her feet, begging for treats.  Then Lola joined in and we both begged for treats, and then along came Oscar the border terrier and he begged for treats too!  It was marvellous.  Lola’s Pack Leader was inundated with begging dogs and we all received a piece of sausage for our trouble, and to get rid of us.  

I’ll tell you what’s annoyed me today, Friends – the pathetic pandering.  Lad was finally encouraged to wake up at lunchtime as he would have to catch up with the school work he’d missed,  and then later on, Lad was asked what he felt he could eat for dinner!  Yes!  Lad was given a choice of dishes!  When the heck does anyone say to me in a nice voice, “now then Russell, what do you feel up to eating tonight darling?  Could you manage x, y or z, sweetie?”   Seriously, this over-parenting is becoming farcical. 

In the event it was spag bol with broccoli and carrots, followed by fresh fruit.  Deciding that the fresh fruit was a little dull for poor old Lad God bless his cotton socks, She quickly knocked up some flapjack to accompany it.  This was a result for me, actually, as the tin was very hot as it came out of the oven and She half dropped it, resulting in some flapjack bits falling out and making a mess all over the new kitchen floor.  I quickly cleared them up even though they burned my tongue a tadge.

Golly, I do hope Lad feels better tomorrow as He and Lad are supposed to be going to Wet Sham in the evening.  This will necessitate a late night, which is unfortunate timing as Lad has a Philosophy Trip with the school early the next day, and will be expected to be awake enough to say something remotely useful.  I do hope Lad doesn’t say anything provocative at this Philosophy Day Conference as we know that Lad has been known to state the outrageous occasionally.

Tomorrow, Friends, I am at dear Pippa’s house for daycare and I can’t wait to see her. Having slept for approximately 22 of the last 24 hours, I am feeling refreshed  now and ready to have a good sleep in one of their nice armchairs.

See you soon,

Russell

 

Chance?

20181028_142756 Yes, Readers, you’ve guessed it.  Today we had a family board game afternoon and Gingercat argued for a long time with Young Lad about who was going to be banker.  Young Lad won the argument and set up neat piles of banknotes which Gingercat proceeded to mess up with his paws and lie on the board to stop play.  In actual fact there is some important action going on underneath Gingercat’s right shoulder as the car has just landed on Leicester Square and somebody owes somebody else money.

How did this harmonious state of affairs come about, I hear you ask?  Well it is the last day of the half term break, and He thought it would be nice for all four of them to do something together.  This was discussed once Lad was finally dragged from bed at midday, in order to attend the family conference.  Nice long dog walk together?  No.  (Phew).  Nice long dog walk and stop at a pub?  No.  And so it went on, you get the idea. In the end an agreement was reached over the cinema so long as Lad still had a whole hour in which to wake up properly and look at his phone for ages.

Alas, Readers, organisation and foresight are not friends of this family and by the time She had fired up the bldy laptop to book the bldy tickets, realise the laptop had 1% of charge, search for the bldy lead, navigate through the Cineworld website to book 4 tickets (choosing the no thank you I don’t want to save 10% by joining Cineworld Plus option) and FINALLY, FINALLY get to the selected seats page…..there were no seats left.  At least, none together.  And whilst She is usually perfectly happy to be far away from the rest of them, it seemed churlish on this occasion when the point was to do something together.  

After much huffing and puffing it was decided to give up on the cinema and have a board games afternoon instead.  This pleased Lad as he wouldn’t have to get dressed for board games.  However, Lad needed to attempt some homework BEFORE any family fun got underway as he has done diddly squat all over half term.

Thus Young Lad was dispatched to the kitchen to make some sandwiches, and She dragged me out for a walk.  Young Lad’s sandwiches were a triumph apparently – cheese and pickle – but he only produced one small square per person which was a little on the meagre side.

In the meantime I was having a splendid time in Top Field rolling in three different loads of cack, so that I was shouted at and called “bldy dog” really, really loudly.  Put on the lead rather firmly, I was led back down and over the bridge with loads of moaning about needing a bldy bath now. Luckily there weren’t many of my friends out to hear all this nonsense as it was Sunday lunchtime and most people were indoors having civilised roast dinners.  So my walk was cut a little short as we now needed to factor in time for having a bath plus it was raining.

I had hoped that Lad would be able to bathe  me as he is much nicer and more gentle  but Lad was still failing to get to grips with any Chemistry homework and thinking of ways to make money from the comfort of the sofa instead.  So Young Lad was ordered to help She bathe me, which was ok as generally Young Lad finds the whole process funny and we just laugh.   We especially laugh when I wait for exactly the right moment to shake my head violently from side to side – this is to remove all the bath water from my ears – and it has the added effect of spattering the entire bathroom in dog bath water.  It’s a scream, it really is.  Every single time She tries to throw a towel over my head just before I start, but sometimes I do a double bluff and then manage to shake my head when the towel isn’t there.  You have to take your entertainment where you can find it, Readers.

Then of course I was banished to my bed in the kitchen because I stunk of wet dog.

Out came Monopoly and a very jolly hour or so was spent,mostly in jail in the case of Lad and Young Lad, who both managed to end up there four times.  On one glorious occasion She had to join them, so that He was actually the only playing piece moving on the board.  Now, it is normal for Lad to win all games with very little competition, but Lad was off his stride today, Friends!  By three o’clock Lad had still failed to secure Mayfair or Park Lane, and thus couldn’t build any huge hotels on them which is his go-to tactic.  I was half expecting Lad to storm off in a silly temper, as he did when losing Subbuteo the other day, but all credit to him, Lad hung on in there even though he was clearly not going to win.  Well done, Lad.

In an unusual turn-up for the books, She won Monopoly today, by the effective though unglamorous method of buying all the train stations and utilities.  Water works has to  be the most boring place on the board, but combined with the gasworks, can generate a good income.

Yes, I know.

It was quite nice having them all home, I suppose, and then a big hearty roast was cooked which meant a fantastic time in the dishwasher for me.  Plus there was something with summer fruits for pudding and I have a bright purple smear across my white face.

So here endeth such days of fun, as tomorrow everyone is back to work and school and there will be lots of shouting and grunting from 6am.  Young Lad has football training after school which will exhaust him for the rest of the week, and Lad is quite keen to try a week without a detention for being late.  He will still be late, of course. I am going to dear, dear Ebony in the morning and I cannot wait,as I haven’t seen my dear friends for ages.

I’m very tired after listening to all the enforced family fun this afternoon, and need to get my head down.

Bye for now,

Russell

Empty

20181026_185220 This plate in front of me has NOTHING on it, Readers!  Not a single crumb of pizza crust or small carrot stick. This is neglect, pure and simple as it is Slovenly Pizza Night and I always cadge some small morsel from them.  I cannot believe that I wasn’t given anything, despite the begging, whining and standing on my hind legs.  Just look at the hurt expression in my eyes! It’s appalling.

This sad state of affairs may be due to it being half term, so everyone has been at home today.  Thus nobody feels sorry for me or disposed to giving me titbits to atone for being out all day.  Humph.  In some ways it’s been pleasant I suppose, with everyone here and a generally more relaxed feel than there is normally on a Friday; for a start Subbuteo has been out on the lounge floor this afternoon and that NEVER happens.  He, Lad and Young Lad were all playing very nicely together until Lad got cross because he wasn’t winning so he quit.  This is very disappointing behaviour from Lad who should know better,  having been told “quitters never win” and similar soundbites for most of his childhood by He.  Lad decided that he suddenly had more important things to do than continue losing at Subbuteo and went in the other room.

Gingercat likes Subbuteo as the soft, green felt is very comfortable for sitting on. This is Gingercat’s favourite boardgame after Monopoly.  I’m not sure the game of Subbuteo football is aided by a lot of ginger hair on the pitch and it does slow the ball down rather, but there you go.  A family day is a family day.

Young Lad has done a small amount of homework which is a small amount more than Lad has managed.  Lad says he will do it another day.  He has been saying this for  a week, but I do feel it’s more important for Lad to sleep until lunchtime than worry about homework.  It’s very dull after all and there is always tomorrow.

Readers, during my walk today He sustained an injury.  This is a terrible thing to happen when out walking one’s dog and I feel very sorry for He.  I can hear you asking, oh no!  Did He have a terrible fall?  Did He tumble down a rabbit hole and break his ankle?  Did a branch fall on him?  It was none of these.  Young Lad was being very silly with my long pink ball flinger thing, and swinging it around his head – sadly Young Lad let go and the long pink ball flinger thing flew across the field and hit He hard on the forehead, cutting it in the process and causing blood to fall.  Poor He. Young Lad did have the grace to feel bad about it, albeit briefly.

I’ve been so irritated today.  As they have all been at home, a decision was made to have a chilled afternoon watching some telly together – Lad suggested Game of Thrones Season One and this was agreed upon, so long as somebody threw a blanket over Young Lad’s head whenever there was an inappropriate scene.  You may  be thinking that Young Lad must have spent the whole afternoon with a blanket over his head and you’d be right.  Anyway, due to the insufficient room on the sofa for all four of them,  MY chair was dragged over and She sat in it.  This meant – I can hardly believe it myself – that there was nowhere for me to sit but on the floor!  What the actual heck!  So i whinged and moaned, and finally squeezed myself into the chair as well, but it was an awful squash and She simply wouldn’t get out. The selfishness.

Now, this is similar to the last two nights where I have settled down for the night on Young Lad’s pillow.  It is exceedingly comfortable and I couldn’t care less that Young Lad can’t get into bed while I’m on his pillow.  The answer is simple – Young Lad simply needs to find somewhere else to sleep.  Pushing me and saying repeatedly “come on Russell, I need to go to bed”  just isn’t on.  That said, it’s preferable to She coming in and putting her foot under my bottom whilst shouting “MOVE IT!” 

There has been more futile tidying up today – it does make me laugh.  It looks fairly tidy by the time most of us go to bed, but Lad stays up late watching rubbish on the telly and eating snacks till all hours, and the tidiness factor diminishes somewhat. Then Lad is moaned at the next day and the cycle starts again.  

Guess what was walking across our front lawn this afternoon?!  A pheasant!  You would think from this that we live in a rural idyll rather than a late 60s housing estate, but there you are.  Lord only knows where this pheasant had come from or where it thought it was going, if indeed it could think at all, but I can’t imagine it lasted long further down the road where there’s a blind bend that cars come racing round.  Lad noticed the pheasant first and said “oh look, there’s a pheasant or turkey” which showed reasonably good knowledge about the avian world, I felt.

Poor He has had a difficult day really – the injury from the long pink ball flinger thing was just the start of it.  He had to take his car in for a service, whatever that is, and was displeased to receive a phone call outlining the need for three new tyres, new brake pads, discs and various other bits.  He was also displeased to hear the bill.  Poor He. I’m glad I don’t have these problems.

Well, half term has flown by and very little seems to have been achieved.  But then that’s generally the way of things here.

It makes me tired, just thinking of all the things that haven’t been done!

See you soon,

Russell

 

 

Rubbish

rubbish There was an interesting selection of rubbish under the dining room table today, Readers, that was discovered when some tidying up was attempted.  I had dragged a whole load of stuff under there, which included a washing detergent pot, a crisp packet which I’d ripped up. several tea bags and some tissue soaked in tea bags.  These were particularly fun to leave on a light-coloured carpet.  Blackened, shrivelled banana skin also featured.  It was an eclectic mix.

I’m pleased to say that I’m not alone in my misdemeanours. Dear, dear Ebony was in trouble recently for going through the kitchen cupboards when her Pack Leaders were out, and helping herself to some treats. Ebony does love a biscuit, and was thrilled to find unopened packets of ginger nuts, chocolate digestives, bourbons and those expensive Leibniz ones.  I was very proud of Ebony for such a fantastic find.  She ate the lot and is a girl after my own heart. Of course poor Ebony was shouted and and told off; why can’t people celebrate the skill involved in these things, instead of moaning at us?  What’s wrong with them!

Tonight’s blog could be interesting Friends, as She has taken some medication to stop her bldy irritating cough and mucus problem.  The nice pharmacist said that these tablets have an antihistamine to stop the tickling and a decongestant to dry up the secretions.  What he didn’t tell her was that they are strong enough to knock out a horse for the night, and a schoolboy error has been made in taking this early in the evening.   Thank goodness they weren’t taken before or during cooking dinner, as the very unexciting jacket potatoes and omelette could have been more of a disaster than they were.  Anyway, if anyone has trouble sleeping do get in touch as I can pass on the name of the powerful medicine that has reduced She to a zombie.

Today I was shoved in the car again and taken out for another long pub walk, with Young Lad’s friends.  It was nearly two miles along a woodland track and I did my damnedest to eat a flattened squirrel on the path but was yanked away. Later on a rabbit wandered past me into the bushes – I very nearly caught it but it was clearly old/ill/disabled so I took pity and decided to leave it alone.  This had nothing whatsoever to do with being on the lead.  At the pub, I was expected to sit nicely at a table in the sunshine while Young Lad and his friends drank carbonated rubbish and ate chips, and She and the other Pack Leader talked incessantly.  It was very tiresome and nobody gave me a chip despite me asking very politely. This selfish attitude gets on my nerves.

I was exhausted by the time we’d walked all the way back – plus we had to do a long detour through some private land to avoid an older chap with several aggressive dogs and no way of controlling them.  I didn’t fancy having my throat ripped open by a mutant Jack Russell so we had to clamber over a field for half a mile instead of staying on the path.

Once home I collapsed into my armchair with exhaustion and something very strange happened.  Young Lad and Lad played TOGETHER on the Xbox for over an hour WITH NO ARGUMENTS!!!  Nobody insulted anyone else, nobody shouted “are you actually all right in the head?” or hit anyone.  Readers, this is very unusual and just goes to show that wonders never cease.  Actually I don’t like it when they shout “are you all right in the head?” as Lad and Young Lad both have neurological challenges and clearly neither of them are, so it is very unfair.  But of course they won’t be told.

Not only that, but the Nintendo Wii was dusted off again last night!  I know – that’s twice recently that a family game has been played and laughter has been heard.  Gingercat and I are quite worried about recent events.

My post-walk sleep today was shattered by the arrival of the local friendly plumber who came to discuss doing a powerflush of the heating system.  This sounds akin to clearing out anal glands but doesn’t require a muzzle or a biscuit afterwards.  Though I suppose the plumber may want a cup of tea.  Now, a large national gas company had quoted over £800 to powerflush the heating system, whereas the friendly local plumber’s quote is less than half of that.  It wasn’t a difficult decision for She this afternoon.  What a good job the horse-knockout medication hadn’t been taken at this point.

This evening’s dinnertime debate was even more inane than usual.  Lad and Young Lad had a lengthy discussion about the best way to fight someone, and which parts of the body to use.  Lad feels that elbows and knees are perfectly acceptable as weapons although He, who was listening, said that this is fighting dirty.   Lad says he doesn’t care.  Young Lad then proceeded to ask He and She about all the occasions in life in which She or He have had to hit people and how it went.  It wasn’t a very profound debate tonight.

I had a lovely long walk in the sunshine at the river yesterday, and then there passed a frantic bldy afternoon of Half Term Stuff.  Young Lad needed a dental check-up. blood test and hair cut all in the space of two hours.  A mistake was made in going to the blood test clinic first – the waiting room was heaving and Young Lad’s ticket from the machine was number 86.  At present the phlebotomists were on person number 62.  This now required a difficult judgement call – whether to sit tight and hope to God they got through 24 blood tests in the next hour before the dentist appointment, or whether to risk it by diving out to the dentist and hoping they got back in time for number 86.  Readers this is gripping stuff, I’m sure you’ll agree!

As most of the people in the waiting room were very elderly and would take a while to get to their feet, into the blood test room and take their cardies off, it was decided to risk nipping out to the dentist.

Oh dear.  You know it and I know it.  This was a mistake.

Rushing back through the blood test clinic doors after a satisfactory check-up and being supplied with a great many toothpaste samples, Young Lad was dismayed to see that it was now number 92’s turn.

She of course became quite assertive and spoke to the blood test lady, explaining what had happened and that Young Lad really needed to be squeezed in.  Number 92 and 93 in the waiting room didn’t look best pleased and there was some low muttering, which She chose to ignore.  The senior blood test lady frowned and said they would do it this time but rules are rules and in future if you leave the building, you’ve missed your chance.  This seems fair enough to me, Friends.  Poor 92 and 93 had to wait whilst Young Lad was ushered in, and I feel this is very poor community spirit.  What sort of an example is this for Young Lad?  Talk about me, me, me.

Then it was time to dash for a haircut for Young Lad and eventually they made it home.  Young Lad was so tired he had no choice but to sit down on the sofa and She needed a cup of tea.  She bldy loves bldy half term, She said.

Lad of course had needed a nice long sleep, and finally made it out of bed at lunchtime.  Lad and I had a lovely afternoon chilling on the sofa whilst all this dashing around was going on.  Lad and I have a lot in common in the way in which we perceive half term.

I’ve just heard, Friends, that poor, poor Ebony was a little poorly after eating all those biscuits and her comfort breaks weren’t of the best consistency for a while. She was also very silly and rather hyper for a while due to all the sugar – poor Ebony.  I doubt she got much sympathy.

I had a lovely time at Nana aged 87’s house the other day, and managed to empty a waste paper bin all over the floor while they popped out for lunch.  Then there was a hideous ruddy 3 hour drive home due to the ruddy motorway and bldy traffic – look, the best thing to do is simply go to sleep and the journey passes by in a flash without the need for any huffing and puffing.

On the list of half-term jobs has been “brush the dog and cat.”  Has it been done?  Has it heck.  You would have thought  this afternoon after our long pub walk would have been the ideal time but no – catching up with GPs Behind Closed Doors was deemed more interesting.  It’s so hurtful.

Good Lord I’m tired tonight after that pub walk.

Bye for now,

Russell

Bump!

bump The other night Young Lad fell out of bed.  This was exceedingly irritating  as I was trying to sleep, and the noise of him crashing onto the floor woke me up. I do wish Young Lad would be more considerate.  It wasn’t entirely my fault that he fell out; he was right on the edge of the bed and I was spreadeagled across the middle of it when I moved very slightly. He really should allow me a little more room and then these problems wouldn’t happen.  Of course I was moaned at and told off.  Young Lad wasn’t even hurt, just surprised, so I don’t see what the fuss was about.

I’ve been dragged out for an inordinate number of walks over the last few days, and it’s become a habit to take my long pink ball flinger thing.  There has been an attempt to make me ‘play’ – I’ve done my best and chased it around, just to shut them up, but I’m still useless at dropping the ball or bringing it back.  To entertain myself yesterday, I ran off with the ball to the very long soaking wet grass down by the river, knowing full well that She was wearing flipflops as She had stupidly anticipated that we would be walking on the short grass.  I did laugh as I dropped the ball far, far into the long soaking wet area and she had to search through the whole bldy drenched jungle in her bldy flipflops.  I did this several times and there was much bad language.

I’ve seen loads of friends down there lately, and everyone stops to talk to me.  This is because I am a Published Author and quite famous in these parts.  It’s also because I am exceptionally handsome and personable.  One very kind lady last evening made a HUGE fuss of me, so I sat on her feet and went all cuddly and loving.  This nice lady said that she feels she really knows me, through my blog, and I’m glad that someone thinks positively of me – it’s just a shame that this isn’t my own family.

On the way down to the river yesterday, I saw the older chap with the West Highland Terrier, who always has snacks in his pocket (the older chap not the Westie.)  As usual I rushed up and sat down very nicely with  a perfectly straight spine and a beguiling look in my eyes, and of course I was rewarded with a snack.  She said I have no shame and told me off for begging, but a little further on I saw another Pack Leader that always has snacks so I rushed straight up and sat down very nicely with a perfectly straight spine and a beguiling look in my eyes, and was given another snack.  Really, you can get anything you want if you sit up nicely with a straight spine and a beguiling look in  your eyes – you should try it. Let me know if you have any success.

It was quiet at home yesterday as Lad and He went to watch Wet Sham lose at home to Tottenham, which caused much bad temper.  I really don’t know why they bother going.  Anyway, after much frantic bldy hoovering, She and Young Lad took me over the Rec for my second walk of the day, so I was exhausted by the evening.  Then Young Lad was dumped with Lovelyneighbourontheright yet again as She was going out (that’s the second time in a week – selfish) and Lad/He weren’t back from Wet Sham.  I was left on my own but the bins were put outside, which annoyed me.

This morning I was shoved in the car and driven a long, long way to visit Nana aged 87.  There was a lot of bldy traffic on the bldy motorway as usual, but I slept throughout.  I’m glad I did as Lad didn’t pause for breath all the way down, and there is only so much Backseat Philosophy one can take when driving;  I don’t feel it was necessary to look quite so longingly at the Costalotta sign at Clacket Lane, though.  Well done, Lad, for having such an active mind and keeping the conversation flowing so well.  Occasionally Young Lad tried to join in but was generally drowned out.

Well, I was excited to arrive at Nana aged 87’s, and ran straight to the kitchen to see if Nana aged 87 had left the cat food down.  She hadn’t and this was disappointing. Never mind, I won’t hold it against her. So we sat down and had lunch (well, they did) and blow me down, the doorbell rang!  I rushed out to see who was there, and to my delight it was Funnygit, his lovely wife and One of The Cousins – I like these people as they are always nice to me.  Imagine my horror though, Readers, when they brought in with them – A SPANIEL PUPPY.  Yes!  You know full well that I don’t like puppies as they are fun-loving and energetic, and to be FORCED to spend time with a new one was simply too much. Readers, I bolted out the front door and had to be dragged back in.

Well. I was made to sit in the front room with all the people and the ruddy spaniel puppy while everyone had a cup of tea.  I found this quite upsetting as the spaniel puppy was intrigued by my rear end and wouldn’t leave it alone.  I sat on the sofa with a very, very dejected expression on my face and everyone laughed at me.  Such is the sympathy I receive.

It gets better, Readers.  A decision was made that we would ALL go in the park as it was such a lovely day – and the spaniel puppy would be coming with us.  So not only was I forced to socialise with it in the house, I then had to let it chase after my tennis ball in the park!  I simply was not having it, Friends.  I’ve never moved so fast in my life as when my ball left the long pink ball flinger thing – I was DAMNED if that spaniel puppy was going to beat me!  It did, of course, a couple of times but only because youth won over age – I was quite impressed with my pick-up rate actually.

Young Lad and Lad have spent the entire day asking when the next meal will be – they were STARVING  in the car all the way down, and were STARVING straight after lunch, and then were STARVING when it was time for fish and chips.   I do sympathise and really feel more effort should be made in giving us the right level of sustenance.

Well I’ve no idea what tomorrow will bring, Friends, I just know that I am completely cream crackered tonight.

See you soon,

Russell

 

 

 

 

 

Disturbing

swan  If you remember, I told you what was on the river this week, Readers.  Just look at the nasty expression on its nasty face.  All I did was climb down the bank to have a paddle and a drink, and whoosh!  Across the water zooms this dreadful creature. The Bastard Swans haven’t been down there for MONTHS but they are now back and this annoys me intensely.  It’s even more annoying when we have to stand still so She can take a photo.

It’s been a funny old week having Pack Leader at home and really rather like the olden days before She worked so much.  I have done LOADS of bin emptying all over the shop – not just the bathroom bin but also that from Lad’s room (always an entertaining one) and the one from the downstairs loo.  I tend to do this while She is on the school run in the morning and it’s really rather fun.  

The downside to Pack Leader being here all week is that I keep being taken out for extra long walks.  One per day is perfectly sufficient – I’ve told them that I don’t know how many times – but nobody listens and I’ve been dragged out every afternoon for a second two-miler.  I am wasting away and there is virtually nothing left of me.  Several people at the river have noticed and another nice lady said “Ooh Russell is looking very slim!” just today.  Yes; for slim read under-nourished and over-walked.  It’s not a good thing.  So all in all we’ve been walking fast for 4-5 miles each day. 

Yesterday, for a change of scene, I was put in the car and taken to local  parkland where I was made to RUN up a hill very fast, and then march round the entire ruddy place for forty-five minutes.  Normally I quite like it over at this parkland as it is a popular picnic area and there is usually loads of food on the ground.  But of course this time it was drizzling and there was no bldy picnicking taking place.  Pointless.

This morning’s walk took us into Top Field, where there was a dead rabbit on the ground.  I wasn’t allowed to get near it, yet for some reason She spent ages standing over the corpse having a good look and digging around in it with my long pink ball flinger thing. There was a massive hole in the back of the rabbit’s neck, and while I’m sure it was anatomically very interesting to study a spine and base of a skull, it seems disrespectful to poor old Flopsy.  Far too much time is spent watching 24 Hours in A&E or GPs Behind Closed Doors – the obsession with living or dead organisms is worrying.

It is also ironic that I wasn’t allowed to get close, when I am a HUNTING DOG.  To make a point about this, I spotted a pheasant walking  incredibly slowly across Top Field and thought about chasing it, but I decided to be charitable and not bother.  This is NOT because I didn’t stand a cat’s chance in hell of catching it, and I don’t like the implication.

Well, today Lad and Young Lad have finished school for half term, and I’m very glad about this as it means the alarm won’t be going off at 6am.  I will still need my comfort break at 5.30 of a morning but at least then I can go back to sleep for several hours. (This morning I had a moment of vomiting at 5.30 am, but by the time anyone staggered out of bed to check, I had eaten it back up and there was no sign.)  It is important to recycle and do one’s bit for the environment.

Young Lad is very pleased to have a week off and is looking forward to lots of time on the sofa.  Lad is very pleased to have a week off and is looking forward to lots of time in bed.  Lad is out tonight, of course, with his friends in a town far away, to celebrate the beginning of half term, whilst Young Lad and She are cuddled up on the sofa ready for an evening of Chicago PD and Maltesers.  I, of course, won’t be given a Malteser.  Young Lad had Food Tech yesterday and made scone spirals – these looked good although She said he’d been a bit heavy-handed with the baking powder.  Plus it’s unusual to put chocolate chips in scones but Young Lad is nothing if not creative.

I felt very sorry for Young Lad at 7am today, Readers.  History homework was to make a revision resource about the English Civil War, and Young Lad had forgotten to do it, so rushed through the process in thirty seconds last night.  This morning Young Lad was told that saying the start date, end date, the Roundheads weren’t happy and wanted power, and the Cavaliers weren’t happy and wanted power, smacked of insufficient effort.  Poor Young Lad.  There he was at silly o’clock this morning, being forced to write something halfway useful in terms of some facts.  I feel this is too much to expect of anyone before they’ve watched any Youtube of a morning.

Last night I was home alone with He, Lad and Young Lad as She went to the cinema with Loadsakids.  Normally this is against the rules on a school night, but Loadsakids said she was happy to make an exception for Bradley Cooper – I’ve no idea – and so they rather daringly went OUT ON A THURSDAY.  It didn’t end well, Readers, as nobody had told She and Loadsakids that the film’s finale was less than cheerful, and there was a lot of pathetic snivelling.  Good grief.  It’s a film for the love of God.

Lad is in for a surprise when he gets home tonight.  His bedroom has been deep-cleaned.  This took a very long time and required grit and patience.  Readers, I have never seen Lad’s bedroom look so much like a bedroom.  There are two cardboard boxes full of crap which poor Lad will be ordered to sort out, and – I can’t quite believe this – the Christmas lights from last year that were meant to go up in the roof except that no bugger has bothered to do it.  This is NOT Lad’s fault and he should not be made to sort out boxes that contain festive nonsense from ten months ago.

The standards in this house sink lower and lower.

Meghan Markle has been doing yoga on Bondi Beach today.  I would love to do yoga with Meghan, and I do a particularly good downward dog pose, if I say so  myself.  It’s true that I frequently fart when doing this, but I like to think that Meghan doesn’t.

I’m exhausted from all the extra walks and not being allowed to examine the dead rabbit.

See you soon,

Russell

Big Boy

bigboy If I hear “WHOOOOOA!! YOU’RE A BIG BOY!” much more I will scream.  No, this does not follow on from the previous blog called Playful.  It refers to the ridiculous high-pitched voice and gasp when yet another large spider is spotted on the wall or wandering around the kitchen.  I have lost count of how many of the damned things have been trapped under a pint glass and thrown over the man-over-the-back’s fence.  Clearly the same large spider is simply coming back in time and time again, but nobody seems to have realised this.  It is so tiresome, and shows once more that the conkers are faulty.

I know this as one of my Readers has told me that her conkers have been incredibly successful at keeping out the arachnids this year – this is because my Reader collected royal conkers from somewhere called Sandringham, and they are simply a better class of horse chestnut.  Common ones from down by the river are not in the same league and have done bugger all to keep out the spiders.

Yesterday was terrific fun – I haven’t had a day like it for ages.  She wasn’t at work and thought She had tired me out with a four mile walk in the morning; thus I was left for a couple of hours while She went to Q & B for an excellent product called No More Nails, and thrilling things like that. Despite the fact  that I had benefited from her company ALL DAY up to this point, as soon as the coast was clear I reverted to my usual behaviour.  In the space of two hours I trashed Young Lad’s bed, scratching the duvet up into a messy heap, then I did the same to another bed and chucked the pillows on the floor.  Next I emptied the bin in Young Lad’s room and chewed up some tissues, carefully spitting bits over the blue carpet.  Bored of the upstairs rooms, I went down to the kitchen and opened a cupboard – BINGO! Behind a big pile of carrier bags (which I swept onto the floor) was a bone!  What a result.  It was in a plastic wrapper but this was easy to rip off, so I helped myself and chewed up the bone on the lounge carpet.  The plastic wrapping I hid under the dining room table.  I haven’t had fun like this for ages.

I was absolutely exhausted by the evening and really didn’t need a second walk over the Rec after tea, though I was buoyed on by the thought of maybe bumping into Zach and trying some more coital gymnastics.  Zach wasn’t there.  This was disappointing.  I hope Zach isn’t trying to avoid me.

There is a horrid smell in here tonight, Friends, and for once it doesn’t come from me.  Lad has taken to drinking glasses of milk as the protein will help him ‘bulk up’ or some such nonsense, but sadly his sense of coordination was a little off-centre the other day and he spilled the whole glass on the carpet.  Now, sour milk odour is second only to that of bad anal glands, and I’m sure you know Readers that it’s a bugger to get out of soft furnishings.  The very handy book we have called “Vinegar – 1001 uses” has been consulted, and vast quantities of diluted white vinegar have been sprayed over the carpet.  This failed.  Next Google was consulted, and vast quantities of Bicarbonate of Soda have been thrown over the carpet.  This too has failed but not for want of trying.  “Linda” on the checkout in Tesco asked if She is doing lots of baking this week, so numerous have been the purchases of Dr Oetker baking ingredients.

Anyway, the carpet still stinks and it will be weeks before it’s gone.

I had a marvellous walk this morning – there were hundreds of friends down there on the 9.30am slot, and also a couple of things that are NOT my friends.  Yes, Readers, the Bastard Swans have put in an appearance!  Lord only knows where they’ve been for the last few months but it’s been so lovely being able to meander along without running the risk of being attacked by the evil sods.  But no more – back they are, and didn’t they give me a filthy look. Hate them.

We wandered up through Top Field as this is safely away from the Bastard Swans, but even this was traumatic.  Up ahead of me were those three collies that have terrorised me in the past, with their nasty smiles, wagging tails and tennis balls.  I was rooted to the spot and simply couldn’t follow She up the hill as this entailed going past the three collies.  Friends I was scared for my life, and stood there awkwardly shifting from one paw to the other, for quite a while.  There was no sympathy of course, just lots of shouting at me to grow a pair.  Whatever that means.

Young Lad is enjoying the fact that She isn’t working this week as it means he is collected from school and doesn’t have an obscenely long walk home via the BP garage with its range of unhealthy snacks. Young Lad has started collecting other Young Lads and offering them lifts with him, so this makes up for some of the atrocious dumping with other parents that goes on here on a regular basis.  Due to all these random school pupils that are now in the car, She felt compelled to hoover and clean it out today and I have to say, not before time.  The mess that Lad and his friends had made in the car during the long journey to and from Pork Tharpe the other day was shocking.  Haribos, Tangfastics, drinks containers….why am I NEVER given treats like this?

Lad has a Biology test on Thursday and an email has been sent to She to remind him of this.  (Hearts sink as soon as an email from Lad’s school is spotted in the Inbox, but today’s was nicer than the usual ones.)    Lad has been told about the thoughtful email from his Biology teacher, and the test on Thursday, but Lad cannot be ‘arsed’ to do any revision tonight as he has had a long day.  I know how he feels.  Poor Lad.  Far too much is expected of him.

He is very busy on the laptop this evening- he has been busy on the laptop for several evenings now.  I have no idea what He is doing but it is very involved.  Poor He.

Tomorrow there is a small chance that She will be popping over to John Lewis for a bit of what-I-can’t-afford self-flagellation, although there might be another go at Loadsakids’ game of can you buy anything for under a fiver.   If so, I intend to play up at home because it was such a laugh yesterday, and today all I’ve managed to do is throw her red rain jacket on the floor to look through the pockets.  Mind you, I have created some fun in the garden as there are lots of leaves down which makes looking for my comfort breaks quite tricky, and putting the washing out today was like Russian Roulette.  I’ve deliberately changed the locations of my comfort breaks too, which makes them harder to find amongst the leaves.  It does make me laugh.

Readers, Meghan Markle is in Australia.  I feel sure that she took my book with her to read on the flight for it is a BLDY LONG FLIGHT I’ve been told, and I like to think of Meghan smiling and giggling away at my words to pass the tedious time, especially the bit over Russia which goes on for days. 

Readers, Meghan Markle is also expecting  a baby.  This is marvellous news, as Beagles are extremely good with small children because we stop them over-eating – as soon as a small child has food in their hand we simply snatch it away to ensure they don’t become obese.  I would be an excellent guardian for Meghan’s child and I may well write her another letter, offering my services.

Golly I’m exhausted.

Bye for now,

Russell

 

Playful

wiiYesterday evening, Friends, I went over to the Rec with dear, dear Ebony’s Pack Leader and the black cockapoo that I have been trying to mate recently was over there.  It turns out this cockapoo is called Zach, and I’m not sure what it is about this particular animal, but my God does Zach make me feel frisky.   I chased it around and tried to mount it from behind, the side and any which way.  I think Zach was quite enjoying this game to be fair and did his own share of climbing on top of me. This jollity carried on for quite a while until the various Pack Leaders managed to separate us.  I really don’t know what came over me but I just have these carnal urges as soon as I see Zach.

There has been some playfulness here this afternoon, too!  I know, wonders will never cease!  It being Sunday and raining, Young Lad asked if they could all play a boardgame in an attempt to look like a normal family.  Young Lad really wanted to play Monopoly, which  pleased Gingercat and I as it meant we could walk over the board and knock the houses over.  However, He said Monopoly is boring and so there was a discussion.  Readers, they decided to play on the Nintendo Wii! Talk about a blast from the past.  The Nintendo Wii is ten years old if it’s a day, and had to be dusted very carefully before they could start.  Anyway there was much hilarity and jumping up and down in the lounge, swinging a lump of plastic from side to side.  It all looked ridiculous, so I slept in my chair.  I was disappointed about the Monopoly – Gingercat and I don’t think the Nintendo Wii is as much fun for us, though Gingercat did try to swipe the cord thing hanging down from the lump of plastic. I wonder how many years it will be before the Nintendo Wii is played with again.

Yesterday was a strange old day, as Lad and She were out from dawn until nearly midnight, so I was home with Young Lad and He.  We had a nice walk in the morning and when they went out for a few hours late in the afternoon, I chucked the huge bag of conkers round the back porch and emptied the waste bin in the bedroom all over the floor.  I ate a few things from it but I won’t tell you what as it’s a bit disgusting. This was even though Ebony’s Pack Leader had told me to behave myself when she brought me back from my walk/sexual encounter over the Rec.  I simply ignored Ebony’s Pack Leader and took the opportunity to create a mess. It was fun.

So where were Lad and She, I hear you ask?  Well. Lad’s birthday treat was a visit to somewhere called Pork Tharpe, which I gather is a large amusement place with large and hideously noisy rides.  It is the sort of place that people like Lad and his friends absolutely love, and people with any sense whatsoever absolutely hate. It is a ‘total bldy rip-off’ according to She, but Lad chose this as his birthday treat. Pork Tharpe is a ruddy long way away, and to ensure that Lad and his friends were there nice and early to be first in the queue, a 6am alarm clock was called for.  This annoyed me intensely.  It was Saturday for the love of God! Nobody considers me in these things.

Anyway, you’ll be pleased to know that Lad and his friends had a simply marvellous time waiting in queues for three hours and then being flung upside down and round and round at speed for thirty seconds.  This is called fun.  She spent the day having lunch with old friends which was altogether more civilised, and a chilled glass of Pinot Blush was infinitely preferable to the KFC and carbonated crap that  Lad and his friends were ingesting.

The agreed meeting time for the end of the day at Pork Tharpe was 9pm.  At 8pm, feeling somewhat weary, Friends, She tried to enter the premises to have a good strong coffee before the long return journey.  This proved difficult.  The security guard said he couldn’t let She in as She hadn’t paid for a ticket.  She said She just wanted to grab a coffee and come out again.  The security guard (who was very good at his job) said that She might be trying to sneak onto the rides.  She said do I look like I want to go on your bldy rides and the excellent security guard said you would be surprised, people try all sorts of tricks.  She said it’s 8pm, you close soon, I don’t want to go on your sodding rides I just want a sodding coffee, and the remarkably skilled security man said he couldn’t take the risk and let her in, but there was a petrol station ten minutes away that sold coffee.  What a splendid professional he was, and really deserves some sort of award for his dedication in not letting a middle aged knackered mother on the verge of a nervous breakdown sneak onto Colossus.  Well done, security man!

Today I had a lovely long walk this morning, right up into Top Field, and we marched along to the tune of a very silly song called “Conkers” that She has heard a lot lately.  It has a brisk rhythm, and I’m jolly glad no singing out loud went on as it is ridiculously infantile and other dog-walkers would have thought there was something wrong with her.  We stopped to talk to lots of friends, but when the conversation turned (inevitably) to the unseasonably warm weather, it was boring beyond belief. 

Once home it started raining (She had just put the washing out – too funny!) and it rained for the rest of the day.  At tea-time I was offered the chance of another walk over the Rec and I said yes, thinking that Zach might be there and I could do some more humping – but we only got as far as three houses down when it was deigned to be too wet and horrid, and we came home again!  How ridiculous, what a total waste of time.

Well, Readers, Sunday tea has finished and they have not given me an egg sandwich or a piece of cake.  This is very poor.  I appreciate the egg sandwiches might cause a problem from the back passage point of view, but you would think a lightly salted kettle chip or morsel of sponge could come my way.  It’s my Sunday too!

Bye for now,

Russell

My Way

sign-post-vector-stock_k2443707 This morning I wanted to go for a walk at the Rec.  I felt this would make a pleasant change from the river, but dear Ebony’s Pack Leader had the river on her agenda.  I felt that my agenda should take priority, so when we reached the little alleyway that leads to the recreation ground, I sat down.  Ebony’s Pack Leader and Ebony both tried to pull me down the road towards the river but I refused to budge.  I can be very stubborn when I want to be, and I had a made a firm decision that we were going to the Rec.  The more Ebony’s Pack Leader pulled, the more I wouldn’t move.   This probably looked quite amusing to anyone peering out of their windows but I couldn’t care less.  Nothing was going to make me change my mind.

Then Ebony’s Pack Leader got the treats out of her pocket and I changed my mind.

Once I had been given a treat, I was quite happy to walk down to the river.  There is a principle at stake here.

Anyway, the rest of the day passed without incident largely because Ebony and I spent it sound asleep sprawled on the armchairs and sofa.  What a lovely way to spend a day.  Then, to my annoyance, Young Lad arrived rather early to collect me as he had finished school at 2pm.  This was due to it being Open Evening or some such nonsense, but it was quite irritating as I was still happily asleep at Ebony’s house. Young Lad brought me home and gave me my dinner BEFORE going on the Xbox, which is quite thoughtful of him – well done, Young Lad.  We had a pleasant hour or so then, with nobody else here, until Lad arrived home followed by She and then He. It wasn’t quite so peaceful once everyone was here, funnily enough.

Young Lad then had to go back to school as he was being a ‘guide’ at Open Evening.  This was a huge responsibility and involved talking intelligently to random school pupils and parents.  Young Lad was told to do his shoes up properly and brush his hair before  reaching school – the latter was achieved but not the former, until one of Young Lad’s friends took pity on him and tied his shoelaces up for him.  It is important to look smart and make a good impression at these events.  For this reason a bottle of Sprite and a packet of chewing gum was confiscated from Young Lad as he was dropped off, as both of these items would have lowered the tone.  Young Lad did a very good job of being a ‘guide’ by all accounts and was both polite and informative.  The only problem is that Young Lad’s legs are now aching dreadfully as he ‘hasn’t stopped’ all day.  Poor Young Lad.

It’s been a few days since my last blog, Readers, due to Extended Bldy Working Hours this week, and some late returns. I find it rather poor that no effort can be made to write the blog at the end of a long day, but there you go.  So in effect I haven’t really seen much of Pack Leader this week, other than when She chased me round the garden to retrieve a potato waffle box from my mouth that I’d dragged out of the recycling.  She had to give up with retrieving the potato waffle box as I growled and snarled like a wild bear, and it was perfectly clear that I would take her hand off if She got much closer.  Then I had a very satisfying few minutes ripping it up and spitting it round the garden.  

I’ve been to dear, dear Pippa’s house for daycare this week, too, and have had a marvellous time.  Yesterday it was unseasonably warm for mid October, so Pippa and I had no choice but to wade into the river to cool off.  I went in as far as my elbows!  I know!

Tonight after tea (a rather half-hearted attempt at Jamie Oliver’s Pasta Bianco because it’s “bldy quick”) I was dragged out over the Rec for yet another walk, as She wanted some fresh air and exercise again. Honestly, there is no thought to what I want to do.  There were some teenagers sitting on a wall smoking something and I gave them a very wide berth as I was frightened.  I will have a look tomorrow, to see if they dropped any food – I just didn’t quite pluck up my courage today.  They were big teenagers.

Gingercat and I both have a manky eye.  Gingercat’s is always manky and has some discharge (what an unpleasant word that is), whereas mine is usually fine but I’ve started leaking something from it.  She said ‘oh for god’ sake’ and ‘ruddy conjunctivitis’ and ‘bastarding vet bill’ so I think a decision has been made to clean it up herself with damp kitchen towel.  This is a lot cheaper than some of the other options. Tightwad.

There has been some frantic hoovering done tonight, Friends, as the house is a tip, and someone has walked mud in the house, up the stairs and into the bathroom.  For once, it wasn’t me!  I suspect it was He, as he was wandering round the garden in the dark early this  morning. picking up my comfort breaks. I am convinced I saw Him come into the house in muddy trainers, and stroll up the stairs (which are covered in a beigy carpet ).  I refuse to take responsibility for the large patches of mud everywhere.  

Well they’re all out to school or work tomorrow, so I’m off to dear, dear Ebony’s house again.  Hopefully this time I will be allowed to choose where to go, as I really do feel it’s  my turn to decide.

Bye for now,

Russell

Why, why, why?

delilah Here I am, Friends, looking as miserable as sin this afternoon when I went to visit some friends.  There were some positives in visiting Sicknote today – I managed to sit on some very nice furniture, actually trying out two chairs and a sofa whilst there, and Sicknote did give me a treat from the Chedigree Plum tin in the kitchen, but really I was quite morose for much of the time.  I do find it incredibly difficult to get down and have fun with young whippersnappers like Delilah, pictured here, and it doesn’t help that Delilah and I look very similar and she seems to think I’m her fun-loving brother, of which she couldn’t be more wrong.   We also smell very similar.  I just couldn’t bring myself to play in a carefree and whimsical way and felt I had no choice but to snarl at Delilah and snap quite aggressively at her once or twice.

I also felt obliged to go out in Sicknote’s garden with Charlie the brown lab, and bay hysterically at everyone walking past on the path – this had the effect of setting off all the other dogs in the neighbourhood and there really was quite a racket.  Of course She and Sicknote took no notice and carried on drinking tea and talking.

So it was quite a stressful afternoon.  On the way home we had to collect Young Lad from after-school football training, and we also gave a lift to another pupil who lives over the dry cleaner’s at the top of the road.  There was much guffawing and laughter when they heard me snoring from the back of the car, but they had no idea how exhausting it had been, being anti-social and barking loudly for hours at Delilah’s house.

Young Lad had rugby last session for PE, followed swiftly by Football Training.  This represents a huge increase in Young Lad’s physical activity lately and I feel it is too much for him. Thank goodness a hearty roast was prepared for dinner tonight, as Young Lad really needed the nutrition of a decent meal for once.  I also benefited from the hearty roast as I pre-rinsed everything in the dishwasher and it was in an awful state.  Gravy and Paxo stuffing all over the shop.  It was lovely.

Over the weekend Gingercat patted She on the forehead very lovingly one morning in bed, and forgot to sheath his claws.  Gingercat always forgets to sheath his claws when patting people on the face or head, only this time he drew blood and She has a big red scratch on her forehead not dissimilar to a Hindu bindi decoration.  Serves her right.  At this moment Gingercat is trying to chase the laptop lead, thinking it is a mouse, and has started chewing it.  Lad is cross with him.  Gingercat needs to grow up.

Tonight’s Dinnertime Debate over the hearty roast was all to do with Lad’s Philosophy course.  Lad was explaining about primary and secondary qualities and used his mobile phone as an example.  The weight of the phone never changes, therefore it is a primary quality, but the shade of grey of the phone might appear different to different people, and therefore is a secondary quality.  I did think about asking what happens if you send the phone into space and it doesn’t have any weight, but decided to stay out of this discussion.  It was very dull.  However, Lad’s Philosophy teacher really liked his essay about the cavity wall insulation that I mentioned in a previous blog – she felt it was very interesting.  And unusual.

This philosophical discussion went on for ages and was boring.  Then Young Lad decided to contribute something about his day at school and told us that his Science teacher is really fat.

This morning She took me for a lovely walk at the river and we bumped into lots of friends. Several people mentioned my book – I have to say that sales have been dropping off lately, come on – and we had to stand and chit chat for ages.  I rolled in some fox poo under the willow tree, as I knew I was going to see Sicknote later and tried to make myself smell nice for her. I was moaned at, and scrubbed at with a baby wipe when we got home.

On Saturday I saw Barney The Oh So Adorable Beagle on my walk.  Of course he rushed up to She and lay against her legs in his oh so adorable way, and there was much comparison between Barney (a nice beagle) and me. It got on my nerves.

Yesterday was a strange old day, Friends.  It being Sunday, I was fully expecting a nice lie-in and a leisurely walk, possibly with a board game in the afternoon, but no.  He, She and Young Lad were all up at the crack of dawn and shoved me down the road to dear, dear Ebony’s house as if it was a work day.  Then they climbed in the car and drove off.  This upset me, as normally I go with them on a Sunday on the odd occasion they do anything ‘fun’. (I use the term very loosely.)  Anyway. I was well looked after at dear Ebony’s house as usual, and taken for lovely walks and allowed to sit in the armchair by the window without sharing. 

In the meantime they had to drive for forty bldy minutes to collect Lad from the friend with whom he’d stayed overnight, then drive for 3 hours to a town very far away.  It was a lovely family celebration, and pretty AD was there as well, but I was dismayed to hear that She and pretty AD refused to move away from the food table in case the sandwiches ran out.  This is rude and socially inept.  There is no logic in the “we’ve driven the furthest so need the most food ” argument that they came up with, and I’m ashamed of the pair of them.  Most people mingle and socialise at these events, not stare frenziedly at the dwindling smoked salmon- on- granary plate with their sharp elbows out.  You would never catch me exhibiting such awful manners.

So by the time they came home last night everyone was weary and had seen enough of the M4 for a while.  I was very pleased to see them and showed this by sleeping heavily in my chair all evening.

Anyway for the rest of the week everyone is at bldy work or bldy school, so I will be shipped out to the neighbours as usual.  Oh to have a family that loves me and doesn’t have such boring conversations over dinner.

Bye for now,

Russell