In a dramatic change from the normal way of things, Readers, I have been well- behaved ALL day. This is extremely rare and I hope the importance of this is fully appreciated. I have not:
- emptied any bins round the house
- dragged any recycling or potato peelings round the back porch
- trashed any beds
- raided any food cupboards
- thrown any stationery around the study floor
- chewed up any Art equipment
This is largely due to the fact that I simply could not be bothered to get out of my chair for the entire morning, as I was suffering from excessive exhaustion. You’ve no idea how tiring my life is.
I can hear you thinking, ah but he obviously wasn’t home alone if he behaved so well. I can assure you that He and She had gone to work at silly o’clock, Young Lad was at school and Lad …..admittedly Lad was in bed with one of his heads, but actually I had forgotten this when I decided I was too tired to misbehave. Nobody had sent me to dear Ebony’s or dear Pippa’s houses – I had Been Left Here for the Whole Morning. Alone. (ish).
In fact I was so heavily asleep all morning that I didn’t even hear the friendly local handyman let himself in to put on a new toilet seat for us (could they not even try this simple task themselves?) Yes indeed; while I slept, somebody entered my home through the front door, walked upstairs and busied themselves in one of the rooms (all right it was only the bathroom, but still) – it would be fair to say I failed in my guard dog duties today, and I didn’t even stir when he went out again. Of course I’ve been moaned at since they’ve all been home -. what you didn’t even bark for the love of God? You’re useless – and things like that. I would like to point out that Lad slept through someone entering his home through the front door, walking upstairs and busying themselves in one of the rooms but of course it’s different for Lad! Course it is!! Lad isn’t told he’s useless.
To get my own back on this unfair criticism, my anal glands have decided to block up again. This was noticed while I was standing at the kitchen counter tonight begging for the carrot ends – a strong odour was detected and it wasn’t from the new kitchen flooring as initially suspected. No, this was less eau de vinyl and more eau de fish. So I’ve been shouted at a bit more and told to stay away from the sofa until some clearing out has occurred.
I know, Readers, new kitchen flooring and a new toilet seat! It’s virtually a palace round here these days. The new kitchen floor was needed as the old one was a ridiculous cream colour and showed up every single muddy footprint, splodge of pasta sauce and all the other general crap that covered it. In a fit of pique, She stormed off to the friendly local flooring man and chose a dark grey one, that shows no dirt whatsoever and therefore can get away with not being cleaned for months on end. Slovenly attitude.
Once She was home I was dragged off for a quick walk round the Rec, but as it was drizzling there was a limit to how many times I was prepared to chase after my ball. Twice in fact. Other than that She had to keep trying to find the bldy ball, but that served her right for throwing it in the first place. Ridiculous.
Later we went out again for a proper walk, and this was much nicer. There were loads of my friends down by the river on the tea-time shift – lots of guilty Working Owners atoning for leaving their pets indoors all day – and it really was quite sociable. On the way back, who bounced up to me but dear little Lola – a fellow Beagle who is half my size and has much nicer bone structure. I was pleased to see Lola’s Pack Leader and sat nicely at her feet, begging for treats. Then Lola joined in and we both begged for treats, and then along came Oscar the border terrier and he begged for treats too! It was marvellous. Lola’s Pack Leader was inundated with begging dogs and we all received a piece of sausage for our trouble, and to get rid of us.
I’ll tell you what’s annoyed me today, Friends – the pathetic pandering. Lad was finally encouraged to wake up at lunchtime as he would have to catch up with the school work he’d missed, and then later on, Lad was asked what he felt he could eat for dinner! Yes! Lad was given a choice of dishes! When the heck does anyone say to me in a nice voice, “now then Russell, what do you feel up to eating tonight darling? Could you manage x, y or z, sweetie?” Seriously, this over-parenting is becoming farcical.
In the event it was spag bol with broccoli and carrots, followed by fresh fruit. Deciding that the fresh fruit was a little dull for poor old Lad God bless his cotton socks, She quickly knocked up some flapjack to accompany it. This was a result for me, actually, as the tin was very hot as it came out of the oven and She half dropped it, resulting in some flapjack bits falling out and making a mess all over the new kitchen floor. I quickly cleared them up even though they burned my tongue a tadge.
Golly, I do hope Lad feels better tomorrow as He and Lad are supposed to be going to Wet Sham in the evening. This will necessitate a late night, which is unfortunate timing as Lad has a Philosophy Trip with the school early the next day, and will be expected to be awake enough to say something remotely useful. I do hope Lad doesn’t say anything provocative at this Philosophy Day Conference as we know that Lad has been known to state the outrageous occasionally.
Tomorrow, Friends, I am at dear Pippa’s house for daycare and I can’t wait to see her. Having slept for approximately 22 of the last 24 hours, I am feeling refreshed now and ready to have a good sleep in one of their nice armchairs.
See you soon,