Royalty

IMG-20171229-WA0001 (1) You see, Friends, if Meghan Markle adopted me to live with her other beagle, this is what my life would be like.  Instead of being dumped with the neighbours and told you smell every five minutes.  I feel I’m in the wrong life.

It was LASHING down with rain early this morning, so I went out for my early piddle and then raced back to bed. I decided to stay there for a good couple more hours.  The heating is still working – I know! – so it was very pleasant. Young Lad had been promised the cinema today with his friends, which he was excited about. It was just a shame that She hadn’t checked how long Star Wars went on for, as She mis-timed the ending by about three hours and had to sit in a crowded car park for an entire afternoon.  This was Annoying as there were many other things that needed doing.  He gave me a lovely long walk once the sun came out this afternoon,  right through Far Field, and because it had been Lashing Down earlier, it was extremely muddy.  I was plastered.  Due to this, and the fact that we’re visiting Nana tomorrow, Lad had to give me yet another bath.  I am now white and clean, but it’s still the cheap shampoo.  They haven’t learned.  Despite having lovely clean fur, I’m giving off some shocking smells tonight which will please Nana when we get there.  She isn’t keen on me as it is.

There was some mild swearing in the kitchen a while ago, as there is a Big Family Lunch with her brother Funnygit and The Cousins this weekend.  She has made another Chocolate Baileys cheesecake, as this was a crowd-pleaser the other day, and also decided on a Pecan Pie.  She couldn’t be bothered to make pastry though, which is good as her pastry is cack, so a ready- made Pastry Case was needed.  Nowhere in town had one, so a trip to SparksmeanMarks was required.  Hurrah!  They had one left, costing £35 (well, not quite but you get my point.)  Back home, the Pecan Pie filling was made and poured into the ready-made all-butter pastry case – only this was broken into eight pieces, so the filling oozed all over the place and some of the pastry was floating on the top of it.  Feckity Feckity Feckity, She said, and had to make her own pastry after all.  It was cack.

I have been barking in the garden a lot lately.  They seem very puzzled, and keep saying, “why does he keep barking?”  The only way they can stop me barking is by shouting, “Russell, what’s this?!” and I come running in for a small piece of turkey or gammon.  And yet they cannot work out why I keep going out in the garden, barking…….

My regular Readers will remember my young friend J, who has been having some Nasty Treatment in the Marsden. (That’s why my blog started in the first place.)  Well, J was meant to be in there again, starting  his last round of Nasty Treatment, but instead he has been in a local hospital with Bad Flu.   She was thinking of going to visit, but it’s the same hospital car park that was problematic the other week, and She’ll be stuck going round level 6A again for twenty minutes.  Might be best to give it a miss.  Hope you’re better soon, J.

Young Lad was tied to a chair yesterday and made to write Thank You letters until his ears bled.  In fact, he only did three.  Lad has been excused this torture as He Is Revising, as we all bldy know.  He was asked to clear up his bldypigsty of a bedroom today, and insists he has, but it doesn’t look any different from before. Or smell any different.  “Clear up” is a rather vague instruction, if you ask me, and I think Lad needed better direction.

I have to thank my dear friend Ebony’s family, for the photo at the top of this blog tonight.  They are very Clever and Technologically Advanced, unlike my own family.  I love this photo, and will cherish it.  One day, I’ll be there in real life with Meghan and Harry.

Some great random viewers yesterday, by the way!  India is back!  Wow, long time no see.  I may well have to take a rest from blogging for a night or two, as I’m going to be very busy with Funnygit (he calls me Rothmans – I’m a beagle, work it out), and lots of lively Cousins.  So apologies if I’m just too tired, and don’t see you till later in the weekend.

Bye for now,

Russell

Camouflage!

20171228_125616 Told you!   How good am I at blending in?!  I promise you, Readers, I am in this picture.  Put your reading glasses on.  You’ll have a job to find me, though.  Just like She did, from the far end of the Far Field!  Oh it was a laugh – I stood still and faffed around for ages while She blew the whistle and screeched like a fishwife.  She had to march right back across the field bleating on about the bldydog, until I strolled into a less snowy part to be visible.  Serves her right.  She got right up my nose on our walk today.  Twas a beautiful day – crisp, cold and clear – a day made for ambling along, sniffing.  Not marching.  First of all I found some more carrot sticks outside a house, and a random cherry tomato, but was moaned at and put on the lead.  When we went over the bridge, there was a long delay while She and some strangers ooohed and aaahed about how high the river was.  Tiresome or what.  Yes, the river was high, and yes, it was flowing very swiftly (could even have played Poohsticks for the first time in years) but really?  Is it worth a lengthy conversation?  I’m sure one isn’t meant to talk to strangers, but the Dog Walking Community have their own rather odd rules.  If someone has a dog with them they  aren’t a serial killer, seems to be the logic.  Eventually they ran out of things to say about the high river, and we went to the Top Field.  This is where She really cheesed me off.  Very Clearly, there was something dead and decaying in the middle of the Top Field.  I could smell it from miles off.  She knew damn well, that once my head went down, my ears flopped forward and I did that slightly hysterical running around in a circle with my nose on the ground, that I was tracking something.   But oh, no, I was yanked out of the middle of the field and put on the lead again.  Then marched for the rest of the walk in Top Field.  I did slip my collar twice and run back to the Bad Stuff but She caught up with me.  Spoils all my fun.

The day was so beautiful that we went into the Far Field as well, which is where I hid myself.  Coming back, I ran off into the woods and found some bread, probably left by a fisherman (hate them.)  I was just tucking into this, when a Huge Bulldog type thing appeared and tried to befriend me – instantly fearing he was after the bread, I went for him. Yes, beagle takes on bulldog and wins.  I was shouted at and put on the lead yet again.  Anyway, we had a walk for an hour and a half today and it was pretty good on the whole.

I suspect her bad mood is down to some Frustrating Things that have happened today.  Firstly, the heating has packed up again. Gasman managed to get it going yesterday afternoon, but it’s packed up again.  The house is FREEZING, Readers. She phoned up and in her best telephone voice told them to bring forward the date of the New Boiler Installation, as ours is Knackered, but they said they can’t.  So apparently we will have to phone up on a daily basis for an engineer until the end of January.  This pleased her greatly. On the bright side, they said they would send another engineer this afternoon. Then She asked her good friend Loadsakids if she wanted to meet for a coffee, but Loadsakids had to drive her bldyhusband to a bldytrainstation bldymilesway because there were no trains on our line today.  Loadsakids says the train company and British Gas are both bldyuseless.

Then some Tidying Up was done because the house is a ruddy tip, but really this meant moving everything from the lounge to the study and shutting the door.  This is not Tidying Up.  Lad’s revision notes are taking over the house and there seems to be no system involved whatsoever.  She tried to Instil Some Semblance of Order into his revision notes, but got no thanks.    Whilst hoovering, a tiny weenie airman from the Airfix Spitfire was sucked up, and so was Young Lad’s tooth that fell out the other day and is meant to be under his pillow.  She has not admitted to this yet.  The hoover bag is going to be taken apart in a futile attempt to find both.  Good luck with that.

Quick update to my regular readers – the Christmas cards in the hall have fallen down 4 times so far.  I told you they would.  He was meant to put them back up yesterday, but was far too busy putting together the Airfix Spitfire.  Young Lad broke the wheel off this within minutes of picking it up.  He was cross. She wants to rip the bldydecorations down and put everything away, but it’s only December 28th.

Anyway, it was extremely cold here after our walk, what with no heating.  I couldn’t even use the new fleece to warm up, as it has been washed.  Apparently it smells of anal glands.  So we put the fire on and extra jumpers, and She said it was just like her own childhood. Lad and Young Lad weren’t interested.

Actually, thinking about it, She was a bit crabby with me first thing this morning, saying that I was taking up too much of the John Lewis whiteish duvet, and that She was cold.  It’s not my fault the boiler is crap.

In fact, it was so cold that when Loadsakids texted to say she was now free for coffee, the chance to sit somewhere with heating was a no-brainer.  But despite the lovely chat  (moaning about teenagers and dogs, more like)  even this proved frustrating as Homeless Guy was outside Sainsburys and said yes please to a coffee.  So She went to the cheaper cafe to get his after seeing Loadsakids, but had spent so long laughing in a deranged manner about Family Life that Homeless Guy had given up and gone for the night.  So She was left with a coffee that had a lot of sugar in it.  She took it home and pretended it had  been bought for He all along.  By this stage Gas Man had arrived, and put a new fan into the boiler.  He now says we do Not need a new boiler, as it has a brand new pump, valve and now a fan.  So they can save themselves threebldygrand.  There is some suspicion about this, though, and they’re not cancelling the new one just yet.

He went into work for a bit today, probably to get warm.  He’s still wearing his coat now, even though the boiler is fixed.  Everyone seems a little wary.

Well, Readers, tonight’s excitement is the annual writing on the New Family Organiser Calendar.  Don’t make me laugh. Piss up and brewery come to mind.

Hey, FIVE views from America yesterday!!!   Thank you so much!  Please tell your friends.  And the random one from Ireland – you too!!

Before I go, I simply must let you know that despite the giblet-rich pint of gravy she stole, my dear friend Ebony’s rear end has been ok.  I know many of you will have been worrying.

See you soon,

Russell

 

Filth

0ccd8791-8794-4bef-a3fe-11e8cd2b4e11 Evening friends, the diagram on the left shows you at what I am staring very hard, and stamping my feet.  They are having a slovenly meal on the sofa, which in fact is ready meals from SparksmeanMarks as She is bldyfedup with cooking apparently.  Not only will I have the ready meal trays to lick, but I am Determined, friends, to get my gnashers round a piece of that Yule Log.  I am whinging, stamping, looking sad and trying all my usual tactics.  Someone is bound to drop a bit on the carpet soon.  I’m patient.  It’s appalling about the ready meals, isn’t it.  Do they know how high in fat and salt these things are?  Admittedly Young Lad and She are sharing one, like the fish and chips, but this has backfired because Young Lad is saying he’s still hungry, is there any more and why did She have a bit of his?  She is muttering that She’s been chained to the kitchen for days – we all know that’s not true as they weren’t even here for Christmas lunch – and if She will choose to make leek and potato soup two days running, what does She expect.  Yes, it was warming on a cold day, but quit the moaning about the work involved.  Readers, it was a bit on the lumpy side to be honest, anyway.  And the trifle wasn’t all that, as Lad had eaten the Hartleys  jelly pots.  And Boxing Day lunch is only putting cold meats on a plate and jacket potatoes in the oven, for God’s sake, so the ready meals really aren’t justified.

Anyway.  Bit of a surprise today – snow!  Had a lie in, (well after the 5.30am alarm call from Gingercat),  and when we all surfaced it was raining.  Before long, this turned into the big white stuff and by golly, it threw it down for a couple of hours.  I had no choice but to curl up in my chair and sleep. She did eventually drag me out for a walk late afternoon, once it had stopped snowing, but it was chuffing cold, I can tell you.  Too cold for all the standing around chatting to people, and certainly too cold to go all the way to the Far Field.  I managed to annoy her by camouflaging myself in the field and She couldn’t find me, several times.  It was v funny.  There was a covering of snow on the browny greeny muddy field, and being white and brown myself, I blended right in.  There was a lot of shrieking of my name and blowing on the whistle, as I couldn’t be seen from one end of the field to the other.  I laughed.  Not many friends down there today, but we did bump into the old black labrador with three legs.  Apparently he is an “inspiration to us all,” (She always says this, unoriginal) because he had a nasty disease in his leg two years ago, so the Evil Vet sawed it off and saved his life.  And two years on, the black labrador is still limping happily at the river, and being told he’s an inspiration.  Yawn.   Nobody tells me I’m an inspiration.

Funny old morning; despite the snow, She decided to “pop into town” for half an hour.  Lad sat in his onesie doing his revision, whilst He and Young Lad tried to finish the shark jigsaw (see last night’s blog.)  They still haven’t managed it, and there has been some heated suggestion that it’s a dodgy jigsaw without all the right pieces.  Apparently there are “too many straight edges”, whatever that means.  It was cheap, to be fair.  After that, they started on the Airfix Spitfire plane that was a Christmas present for Young Lad.  Young Lad sat and watched for five minutes while He started the project, then went off to do play on the xbox.  Luckily, He has great staying power and carried on for another three hours. Young Lad is now playing with the model Spitfire that he did bugger all to assemble.

I forgot to mention!  The heating packed up again yesterday. I know – the  unexciting saga of the boiler has been rumbling on for months, but it all ground to a halt on Boxing Day and there was no heating.  She said, “bldytypicalonBoxingDay” but phoned British Gas anyway, who said they’d be round today.  They were as good as their word and a nice engineer called Lee spent an hour and a half banging around in the airing cupboard (which is filthy, by the way) and the loft (also filthy). Eventually he somehow managed to restore heating via a 20 year old boiler, which is clearly not going to last till the installation of the new one in 4 weeks’ time.  So I expect he will be called out again.  She had the decency to apologise to him about the state of the kitchen floor – it was shocking – and blamed me, for walking in and out from the garden on a wet snowy day.  What am I supposed to do?  Call me old-fashioned but She could always clean it.  I’ve seen advertisements on TV where muddy dogs run in and out of kitchens, and their attractive Pack Leader just laughs and mops it all up with something magical called Flash.  Their kitchens are pristine, and do not have mud half way up the cupboards, and leek and potato soup spattered up the tiles behind the hob. 

So the heating is back on, which is a goodbldyjob as it’s freezing out. This afternoon was meant to involve Tidying Up, but after our walk She was too lazy  tired, and curled up with a cup of tea and a new book.  It was remarkably peaceful, Readers.  Lad was still revising (Physics again, can’t be arsed with English Literature apparently), He was still doing the Airfix, and they had forgotten Young Lad on the xbox in the study,  which pleased him greatly.  It was so quiet and relaxing!  I dropped off and had a lovely deep sleep.

I am feeling quite smug again today, as I’ve heard on the grapevine that my dear friend Ebony has been in a spot of bother.  She has Stolen, yes Stolen, a large jug of gravy which was Extremely Rich as it was probably made from turkey giblets and all that stuff.  Ebony enjoyed slurping down this large jug of delight, but her Pack Leader is cross and worried about what might appear from Ebony’s rear end.  As a result, She has been told off and made to sit on her special mat.  I tell you what amazes me – I get blamed for this!  Not for the first time, when my friends have misbehaved, their Pack Leaders have claimed they are copying MY behaviour!   Maybe I am inspirational, after all.

I’ll tell you another thing that amazes me – how many views my blog got on Christmas Day.  What the heck were you all doing?  Who had time to faff around reading about a beagle, when you should have been Very Very Busy?!!  Really quite astonished that Christmas Day was one of the biggest days for views for a while.  So pleased that I’m right up there with entertaining relatives and the Queen’s Speech.

Person in America, PLEASE could you get someone else in America to have a look? I hate to think you’re the sole, lonely American reading this.

Readers, I have failed to get any chocolate log.  The bastards have taken it back to the kitchen and Put It Up High.  I’ll have to make do with the Four Cheese Ravioli ready meal tray.

Bye for now,

Russell

Oh Come, all ye faithful

20171225_205332 Happy Boxing Day, everyone!  Settle down with a nice Christmas drink, because I have LOTS to tell you!  Has it really only been two days since my last blog?  I’ve fitted such a lot into this time.  I’ll start with the diagram – this is me trying to exit right,  having knocked the VERY full kitchen bin over on Christmas night.  I find it disgusting that nobody found two minutes to empty a large, overflowing bin somewhere during the day.  They were asking for trouble, but more of this later.

Well, Readers, against all expectations She managed to drag everyone to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.  I wouldn’t say there was a lot of enthusiasm, and I did hear them moaning about the number of verses in Hark the Herald Angels Sing when they finally returned in the small hours, but at least they went.  I want to make it clear that I behaved extremely well while they were at church.  This had nothing to do with all the doors being shut and the bins being put out, but more with my respect for their rare church-going activity.  Eventually everyone went to bed and I slept in Lad’s room with him and Young Lad, for a bit of a laugh.

Christmas Day was ace, absolutely ACE!  Gingercat yowled to come in at 5.30am, which didn’t please her, and then I needed a pee at 6.30. Lad and Young Lad opened their stockings in bed, and there was plenty of chocolate going on in there.  I’ve got my eye on where they put it. Then there was Breakfast and Present Opening under the tree.  New readers will not remember the notebook I mentioned in one of my earlier blogs, where She assiduously (anally) writes down the list of Christmas and Birthday presents every year from birth.  Needless to say, this notebook was used efficiently again, but there was a small cry of anguish when it was realised there is only one page left.  Never mind, a trip down memory lane was had as they read out the entries from 2007 (Power Rangers crap) and 2010 (Scalextric.)  Actually, the Scalextric went straight back to Argos as it didn’tblywork.  I was becoming a little bored by this, so they eventually put on their silly voices and waved a present at me, trying to force it into my face. “Open it!” they kept cajoling, so I ignored them.  They got the idea and opened it for me.  Inside was a rubber bone (boring) and a pack of low-fat treats from PetsRVetsRToysRUs or whatever it’s called.  These were nice.  But, friends, unbelievably they had the STUPID idea of stuffing one of the low-fat treats into the blue rubber bone.  I have tried and tried, but can’t get the bldy thing out.  Stupid. Gingercat was given a ball with a bell in it.  That won’t be irritating, will it?  Then it was Christmas Morning Walk with He and She time.   Met lots of friends down the river,  but the best part was bumping into Molly’s Mum on the way back.  It turns out that Molly (a staffie) is sometimes as “badly behaved” as me.  Last week She pulled her Pack Leader over, completely over, while they were at a cafe on a pier.  Molly was alarmed by the sound of scraping tables and chairs, and tried to escape, pulling her Pack Leader with her.  Unfortunately her Pack Leader’s fish and chips and cup of coffee also escaped, all over the pier.  But it’s nice to hear of someone else being told off for a change.  When we returned home, things improved even more as there was More Present Opening on the agenda,along with Christmas Morning Nibbles.  Yum.  These include smoked salmon on Ritz crackers (cheaper than blinis), hot mini sausage rolls,  mozzarella bites, and of course, tempura prawns.  Again.  These seem to be rather a feature this year. Then She faffed around in the kitchen making more brandy butter (see Christmas Eve blog) and blending the bread sauce (also see Christmas Eve blog.)  While the dishwasher was being loaded, I climbed in and grabbed the bowl that the brandy butter had been in, and ran off with it.  Sensing pursuit, I ran under the table in the lounge and growled.  Unfortunately the coffee cafetiere had been on the top shelf of the dishwasher, and had dripped all over my head and face.  I reeked of coffee and have brown streaks everywhere.  But the brandy butter was glorious.

Once they had all Dressed Up a Bit (although Lad had his flipfloppy slider things on, how common) they were ready to go off to AD’s house for the rest of the day.  Reader, this is where my day improved considerably.  I went down to Ebony’s house and just couldn’t wait to get inside, with people that genuinely want to be with me.  Ebony was very pleased to see me, and we bounced around very energetically for a while.  Then went to sleep.  I had a LOVELY, LOVELY day with these wonderful people, who have the right priorities in life.  It was simply heavenly.  Then Ebony’s Pack Leader walked me home in the evvening, and I only had 45 minutes with the house to myself before the others got home.  I didn’t waste this time.  Nobody had remembered to put the kitchen bin out, in their rush to leave home without me.  Friends, just stop for a moment and think what your own kitchen bin has looked like over the last day or two.  And you probably empty yours.  Well, I chucked it all over the kitchen floor, and dragged some upstairs to the landing.  There was SO much stuff everywhere! And SO much to eat!  Glorious!  Of course, I was scolded as soon as they came in which is why I tried to escape, see diagram.

I slept like a log last night – what with Christmas Day at Ebony’s plus emptying the bin.  Today has been rather nice – two walks! She took me this morning, as She neededsomeblyexercise and then A Family Walk was insisted on, this afternoon.   This morning I saw Barney the “oh look he’s so lovely and calm” beagle, and he was extremely white and clean.  I wasn’t.  My friend Pippa was down there and we’d been romping for ages, with her jumping all over my back.  So Barney was clean and beautiful and I was covered in mud and stuff.  Anyway, I was pleased to hear that Barney also misbehaves by being Difficult when it is recycling day and houses have bags of nice-smelling recycling outside them.  He also runs off towards the houses in an attempt to go through their bins.  See?  It isn’t just me.

Then another walk this afternoon. This was fun – we bumped into someone called LovelyBird and her three gigantic Italian Spinonis.  They are HUGE, Readers.  I was a little unsure around them.  She stood chatting to LovelyBird and LovelyBird’s Friend for ages, so I had to man up a bit and pretend I wasn’t scared of the mahoosive Spinonis. 

Readers, I nearly laughed myself silly today.  One of them was given a Shark Jigsaw for Christmas.  He and Young Lad spent most of the morning trying to do it.  Then She helped.  Then Lad had to help.  It’s now nearly 9pm and they still haven’t managed it!!  Four people!  And it’s only 250 pieces!  Oh it does make me chuckle, they’re a bit thick.  There has been the annual game of Monopoly, and Gingercat and I both walked over the board at various points, knocking everything over.  It’s a laugh.  Gingercat has also knocked loads of things off the tree today.

After Monopoly, it was Family Film time.  This involved snuggling under the new fleece on the sofa, and enjoying a film together as a family.  They watched Psycho.

There are no words.

Hope you have all had a Happy and Peaceful Christmas, at least for part of it, as I feel those two things might be  rather a stretch for two whole days.  Fill your glass up for Boxing Night.

See you soon,

Russell

Twas the night before Christmas

 20171224_195708

And I’m asleep on the new fleece She bought the boys for watching Christmas films.  There are four people,  me and Gingercat on the  sofa, and I’ve got most of the fleece.  It’s nice. 

Well, Christmas Eve is here.  There have been tears and despair  (a French stick escaped from its packaging in Sainsburys and rolled across the floor in aisle 12), the queues were awful,  and the blender broke just as She was making bread sauce for Christmas lunch tomorrow.  It is extremely lumpy bread sauce,  and no way can She turn up at someone’s house with something so abominable. So lovelyneighbourontheright has to lend her a blender tomorrow morning,  as if there isn’t enough to think about on Christmas morning. Selfish. 

 She and Young Lad drove around this afternoon delivering presents,  and popped into LovelyDor’s for a cuppa.  LovelyDor has lent them some tree lights to replace the ones I chewed through yesterday.  They also went to PetsRVetsRToysRus or whatever it’s called,  but I’m not allowed to know what for .  There has been some frantic present wrapping this afternoon,  with Christmas songs blaring out to try to create “the mood.” It hasn’t.  And there are still some presents to wrap,  jobs are always half done in this house.  

Anyway, I had a nice walk with He and Young Lad this morning and saw nicedogwalkerlady and the Chocolate labs. I rolled in some more fox poo as it’s Christmas Eve and they haven’t got much to do except bath me. Lad bathed me this afternoon and now I smell lovely for my day with Ebony tomorrow. 

Readers, this was funny.  They all went next door  at teatime to lovelyneighbourontheright for Drinks and Nibbles.  They shut ALL the doors in the house,  thinking there was no damage I could do.  They were wrong.  I chewed through the pockets of her coat,  just in case there was a snack in there.  I spat the white fluffy lining from the coat all over the stairs. Wicked.  

As well as the bread sauce, there has been brandy butter making this afternoon.  After She found her ripped coat pockets,  She was comfort eating the brandy butter from the fridge (the smoked salmon has gone,  the next lot is still in the freezer. ) There now isn’t enough brandy butter for 10 people tomorrow,  and She will have to make more in the morning. There has been some suggestion of going to Midnight Mass tonight; I didn’t see anyone jumping up and down with excitement.  She may well be going on her own,  as I imagine they’ll still be comfy under my new fleece. Sorry,  THEIR new fleece.  Lad and Young Lad are sharing a bedroom tonight,  which is traditional on Christmas Eve, so I may join them.  2 boys and me;  that will smell lovely in the morning. 

The penny has dropped that there are still Jobs to do.  I knew that Gordon on ice whilst watching Home Alone was a mistake. Nuts and nibbles need to be dispensed into bowls and placed at (hopefully) low level areas.  And there is still wrapping to do.  Talking of which,  I had a secret present left outside my front door!  Turkey twizzlers! So exciting,  thank you. 

Well, friends, there will be no blog tomorrow as it’s  Christmas Day. I’m going to Ebony’s house at lunchtime, which I’m very excited about as they are nice people and care about me.  Doubtless my family will deign to come home at some point in the evening, over fed and over watered. I will have to catch up with you all on Boxing Day. 

Readers; thank you so much for reading my blog.  I can’t work out why you bother, but I’m so pleased you do.  It’s fun telling you all about my dreary life and the things I have to put up with.  

A very happy Christmas to you all. Lots of love. 

Russell

 

Bad dog

Christmas-Appeal-4I have been very, very bad.  I’m in a Lot of Trouble.  At long last, Readers, I had the house to myself for an hour this afternoon – it’s been over a week!!  Oh, it was a blast!  You’d be amazed what you can fit into an hour.  To think She was worried about the three batches of shortbread cooling in the kitchen!  I watched her pushing it all to the back of the working surface, and then moving it again, and again….so worried was She that I would get it.  My plan did not involve the shortbread.  First, I went and emptied the bin in the bathroom to see if there was anything rank in there I could eat.  I threw some stuff round the bathroom floor.

But then, THEN, Readers, it was time to carry out the plan.  I spent a very long time trashing the Christmas Tree.  I got underneath it and walked round slowly, making sure that it turned round in its stand several times, round and round and round.  This ensured that the careful decoration, whereby the best baubles were at the front, was ruined.  The best baubles were now crammed up against the wall, and the empty back part of the tree faced the room.  I managed to drag off six baubles, including a glass one,  which smashed into tiny weenie pieces all over the carpet.  They’ll be treading on it for days!   Red robin ended up behind the sofa and lots and lots of the Swedish nordic non-drop pine needles dropped.  They’ll be treading on those for days, too!!  But, friends, I hadn’t finished there.  For good measure, I bit through the electric cord of the tree lights.  Yes, they were on at the time, and I’ve lived tell the tale.  So now they have a choice of no lights on the tree, or the multi-coloured set that are all tangled and thrown on the twig in the hall.  Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I can’t imagine anywhere will have any lights left on sale.  The fun!  Really, it was great.  I’ve been scolded severely and there was loads of moaning about the lights – it was extremely difficult to get them offthesoddingtree because I had managed to tangle them up when I twisted the tree round.  She was in a foul mood.  I even saw her comfort eating smoked salmon straight from the packet – this is unacceptable, as this Is  Meant To Be For Christmas.  I bet Gordon will be large tonight.  Oh it was ace – such a good afternoon.  Haven’t had that much fun for ages.

Prior to that, I’d rolled in fox poo in the Top Field, and made sure I rubbed it hard into my neck and ears.  It reeks. Had a good walk – saw Teddy and his Male Pack Leader, who says he likes my blog. I was rather alarmed by two large Alsatians, and had to take a detour of about half a mile to avoid them.  Somebody in one of the houses had kindly put out some carrot on the grass – it wasn’t the diced sort in vomit – and I ran like the wind to grab several mouthfuls before She caught up with me, screeching.  I even chased my ball a couple of times – quite energetic today.

She and Lad went into town early today, to do The Big Food Shop.   Town was likely to be bldyheaving so She made Lad get up at 8.30am – I know! –  to make sure of a parking space.  (He had to be bribed with a hot chocolate at Costalotta).  Homeless Guy was outside Sainsburys and said yes please to her offer of coffee.  Hmm, a dilemma.  Not wanting to appear tight-fisted to Lad, She had to splash out on a Costalotta coffee for Homeless Guy instead of going to Greggs for his, and saving the 50p.  It would have been too difficult to explain to Lad, and anyway it is Christmas.  The Big Food Shop was done, although Lad is rather too old to be swinging round on the trolley and acting like a four year old, but there you go.  He was, in fact, Helpful.  

When they got home, She took me for a long walk whilst Young Lad unpacked the 6 huge bags of food and put everything away.  He did a reasonable job of this – it was only the Paxo stuffing mix in the freezer, the special cat food that he thought was tuna and put on the Tins shelf, and the pigs in blankets on the pasta shelf that were wrong.    He was gently reminded that sausages/meat need to be in the fridge.  I wish nobody had noticed – I can reach the pasta shelf.

This afternoon there has been yet more Shortbread baking – dear God.  The kitchen is DISGUSTING, readers, and needs a deep clean. A quick wipe round with some Flash isn’t enough after all this baking.  And as for the oven….

I really am quite tired tonight, after all the fun.  I smell a bit fox pooey, as they were lazy and just tried to scrub it off with a baby wipe due to bldytimeconstrictions.  I have been threatened with a bath tomorrow.  The scented candles have been lit, which annoys me intensely.  I find this rude.  Anyway, time for a kip.  He and Lad have been at Wet Sham again this afternoon, and I gather they’ve lost (they usually do) so there will be An Atmosphere later.  I’ll sleep through it.

Bye for now,

Russell

New balls, please

291460-Super-Bouncy-Tennis-Balls-3-pack-21 Evening friends, a busy old day today!   While She had an early coffee in Barstucks with Lovelydor down the road, I  had a walk with He and young Lad and met my old chum Kobi, a massive Akita.  Back in the early days, Kobi and I used to frolic happily together and do lots of chasing, but for some reason he has taken a dislike to me.  I tend to forget this, and think we are still in the halcyon days – I bounce up to him and jump on his back, and wonder why he tries to kill me.  Then I remember.  Luckily Kobi was on the lead this morning, so his rejection of my friendship was under some sort of control.

Nicedogwalkerlady was there with the Brown Labs and we had a chat.  I think she is still enjoying the blog.   It was somewhat muddy at the river and I was a bit plastered by the time I got home, but again, no fox poo.  Good job, really, as we were going to Grandma’s for Lunch.  There was a frantic twenty minutes or so with a lot of shouting of whatdoyoumean you’renotintheshoweryet?  Much stomping around followed, as is always the case when the Whole Family need to leave the house.  Young Lad was in trouble for wearing a pair of trousers with a hole in the knee, (not to lunch at Grandma’s!) but an alternative pair was nowhere to be found and time was running out.  I suspect he hadn’t brushed his teeth properly, either.  Never mind, once at Grandma’s the smell was wonderful, and my nose guessed (correctly) that it was coq-au-vin.  Better still, there were more of those tempura prawn things and mini spring rolls, as ‘appetisers’.  Yes indeed, they whet my appetite.  Bravely, Grandma put them on plates on a Low Table.  I sat very, very close to the Low Table and stared hard at them.  Eventually She took pity on me, and gave me a fragment of battered prawn tail.  Once Grandma sat down with her appetisers, I leapt onto her lap and was within a WHISKER, readers, of snatching it from her mouth.  Darn it, I was close!  I even put the tip of my nose right against her face in case a tiny bit made its way out of her mouth.  It didn’t.

After lunch, we opened Christmas presents.  There was one for me.  They kept telling me to open it, in rather silly voices, but there was no point as I knew that by sitting and staring at it, someone would open it for me.  Inside was a new pack of tennis balls!  Food would have been better, but even so!  What a thoughtful present.  I dutifully chased one round the lounge and played with it for a bit.  Then I sat down with it and ripped it into pieces.  It took 3 seconds to destroy. Grandma was shocked and hurt – she had obviously thought these were long-lasting tennis balls – and then read the instructions that came with them.  I kid you not, readers, it said “do not give these to your dog to play with unless you are sure they are suitable.  Some dogs play with these in a rough way and may cause damage.”  What the heck?  Anyway, I  was thoroughly cheesed off as they took my new tennis ball (or what was left of it) away and put it in the bin.  I had been enjoying spitting bits of black rubber over Grandma’s carpet.

This was funny – She had only been saying, before lunch, that my anal glands weren’t too bad at the moment, and they were reminiscing in a sniggery way about all the pre- Christmas trips to the Evil Vet over the years, to have them drained.  I soon shut her up, readers, by sitting on Grandma’s sofa this afternoon and I have a feeling there was a Slight Leakage.  I did look round and try to lick up any residue, but She noticed the smell.  However, Reader, She WASN’T honest enough to fess up to Grandma!  Who will only find out about the possible leakage by reading this blog!  

Unbelievably, nobody had taken any dinner for me to Grandma’s and by mid-afternoon I was STARVING. One fragment of prawn in batter tail really isn’t enough.  I started making this clear by whimpering and whining.  She took me out to the kitchen to shut me up, by giving my 3 leftover new potatoes and some coq-au-vin sauce.  Again, Grandma will only learn of this by reading today’s blog.  I hope she wasn’t banking on those leftovers for her tea.  I’ll make some cracking smells tonight, as I think there were a lot of red onions in the sauce.  And that reminds me, her brother, who we’ll call Funnygit for the purpose of this blog, sent Young Lad a version of Last Christmas that was all about farting.  Funnygit is 53.  Worrying, isn’t it.

The journey back was boring. I had a sleep in the car,  and so did He.  Lad and Young Lad argued non-stop about something called Game of Thrones and whether it’s a 15 or an 18, and whether it has more violence and sex than The Walking Dead. I think they’re both rubbish, to be honest.  I’m hoping they’ll all be out at some point tomorrow – He and Lad are going to Wet Sham yet again in the afternoon, and I’m praying that She and Young Lad go out and give me five minutes’ peace.  To have a go at that ruddy chocolate that’s still twinkling at the top of the ruddy tree!

See you soon, tell your friends,

Russell

Lie in

Evening all.  Well, for the first time in months there was no horrid alarm clock ringing at 6 o’clock this morning.  The Whole Family have now broken up for Christmas.  Gingercat  still yowled at 5am to be let in, and then I needed a pee at 6.30, but really, this was a lovely lie in today.  I was happy to stay there until lunchtime, but sadly She got up early as the traffic would be bldymurder as the whole world would be bldyChristmasshopping today.  Just as I predicted yesterday, there was a swift visit to John Lewis and the usual coffee/gazing at a lifestyle just out of reach. Before long, though, She was home and we were out for our walk.  Our power walk today was in time to Mariah Carey, shocking, and I’m REALLY glad that was going round her head not being sung out loud as those high notes would have been embarrassing.  I simply could not keep up with the tempo, and lagged a long way behind.

We saw some children at the river, hanging over the bridge, doing Magnet Fishing.  This involved dangling a very large magnet into the river and seeing what was attracted to it. I really couldn’t see the point, as rusty screws and nails aren’t edible (even for me) and it seemed very dull.  However, She thought it was charming to see children leading a healthy outdoor lifestyle, and wondered why her own offspring couldn’t be more like this.  There was a time they played Pooh Sticks on this bridge, but those days are well over.  Partly as Pooh Sticks isn’t licensed by Microsoft or Sony, and partly because the river is clogged up and sticks get stuck.  Such is the way of things.

So, up to the top field we went, and Readers, I had a bit of a moment.  Coming down towards me – yes all right, a long way away but even so – were THREE huge collies.  They were black, lively and looked ominous.  Even with a ball in their mouths.  I didn’t like the way one of them looked at me (well, squinted from a distance), and I froze.  Reader, I just couldn’t move.  She showed no sensitivity to the situation at all, and carried on marching towards them, singing “all I want for Christmas…is youuuuuu” in her head.  I didn’t know what to do.  I faffed around, hopping from one foot to the other for quite a while, and had to wait until She had reached the collies and was stroking them before I felt able to move.  Perhaps they weren’t such a threat.  There was no need to shout, “for God’s sake, Russell, MAN UP!” down the field at me, though.  After that I stayed well back for the rest of the walk, which annoyed her and meant I was grumbled at.   Barney the Other Beagle was down there today, and of course there was lots of oohing and aahing about what a lovely Gentle, Sweet Beagle he is.  Gets right up my nose.  When we got home, Lad failed to notice I was plastered in mud (sadly didn’t find any fox poo today), and let me in the lounge.  There was some shouting.

Young Lad has done, er, very little today and Lad did some revision, though he had the usual physical impairment in getting outofbldybed.  She and Young Lad popped round to “have a cup of tea” with Lovelyneighbourontheright, which actually means going to play with the puppy cockapoo. Again, this is hurtful.  He may well be adorable and such fun, but so am I, only they don’t notice.  Anyway, Lovelyneighbourontheright is very kind and has bought me a dog mince pie for Christmas.  There was a discussion about whether I would like it, and She said “is the Pope Catholic” and snorted.  They have invited us in for a drink on Christmas Eve, but I doubt I’m included in the “us.”  One Christmas Eve, back in the day when Lad and Young Lad could still be forced to church, I ate a whole bag of frozen oven chips that had been left out of the freezer.  They were nice. Cold and hard, but nice.

This afternoon was Christmas Film time, which I liked because there was a range of snacks.  Young Lad made quite a mess with some crisps and I had plenty to clear up.  There are a few chocolates left at the bottom of the Cadburys Heroes, as nobody likes the Creme Egg ones – She says whydotheyputthosein  and nobodybldylikesthem.  I like them.   Anyway, apparently this time of year (3 days before Christmas) is a bit of a nightmare for Mothers and Women in General.  She asked her friend Loadsakids how she was feeling, and they agreed they had both wanted to swear a lot today.  Then She asked her friend ChelseaGirl, who also feels less than festive and wants to scream.  I can’t see what all the fuss is about.  I had a wander under the Christmas tree tonight to see if I could knock anything off, and to quality control the Swedish Nordic non-drop claims.  (Still a lie.)  Dinner smelled nice tonight – asparagus risotto again, (very limited repertoire in this house),  and there were lots of extra vegetables to atone for the Calorific Slovenly Fish and Chips from last night.

Tomorrow will be fun as we are going to Grandma’s for lunch.  This is great, because Grandma Loves Me and I am always welcome there.  I have a sleep in the car for the journey, and usually make some smells from which there is no escape as it’s too cold to put the windows down.  Grandma will be kind to me, and her cooking smells fabulous. I try hard to get at the plates as they go in the dishwasher but usually get barged out the way.  

Well, I’m quite worn out from the trauma of the Three Collies Looking Ominous, and need a sleep now.  They will all soon be settling down to watch Chicago PD, which is an improvement on River Monsters.  Just.

Bye for now,

Russell

 

 

Begging

IMG-20171215-WA0000-1 Give us a chip?  Go on, just a chip?  Look how huge and brown my eyes are.  Look how my velvet ears are perched forward on my handsome head.  Look how nicely I’m sitting.  GIVE ME A RUDDY CHIP!  Or a bit of fish, anything!

Readers, tonight they are being Extra Slovenly and having Fish and Chips on the sofa.  This is because everyone has now broken up from school and She’stootired to cook dinner.  Again.  So they are feasting on the four million calories in fish and chips from up the road, although She shares a small portion with Young Lad as She  can’t justify the amount of calories, and much Power Walking will be needed tomorrow to burn it off.  I have suggested She shares her portion of a portion with me, to reduce the guilt further,  but this hasn’t been acknowledged.

No blog last night – I did pre-warn you – as too much going on.  Yesterday was again fairly quiet for me, as He and Young Lad were here.  I did find a green compostable bag of carrot ends and broccoli stems that had been put in the back porch ready to give next door’s rabbit, so I pulled that down and waded through it.  Had a nice walk with He and Young Lad (yes, he could be bothered to come for once) and  bumped into the Young Labrador from next door.  He is Young and Bumptious, and jumped all over me.  This is uncomfortable as he is quite large.  I patiently waited for him to finish jumping on me, but the final straw was when he  started licking  my ear.  I drew the line at this and put him in his place. I needed a sleep after this.

Things livened up a bit when She got home from work, muttering that things were onatightbldyschedule  as TraditionalbldyChristmasShortbread needed baking, dinner cooking and washing put on, all in the space of 1 hour before She had to go to a carol service.  The good thing about Christmas Shortbread baking, reader, is that it goes EVERYWHERE.  The kitchen is plastered in dough, icing sugar, flour…I have such fun licking it all off the floor, and splodges of it all down the front of the washing machine.  I did laugh when I saw the state of her – trousers plastered in flour and dough all under the fingernails.  Why the Christmas Apron hanging on the door hadn’t been donned, I don’t know.  Slatternly attitude.  But I did enjoy it – this really is an excellent recipe.  It didn’t need all the huffing and moaning and looking at the clock, and general stress that went with it.  An hour is plenty of time to get all those things done (and change flour-encrusted clothes and slap makeup on)  and clean up the filthy kitchen, if you are organised.  

So then it was just The Boys home alone again for the evening.  I did have some troublesome flatulence, due to the carrots and broccoli stem  – well, it wasn’t troublesome to me, but everyone else seemed bothered.  The room – in -which-I don’t-sleep-wink-wink stunk like old parsnips this morning.

Today was our Last Day of Peace as She finished work for Christmas tonight.  He took me for a lovely walk, though He doesn’t know my friends’ names,  and claims I didn’t “see anyone I knew”.  I did.  Young Lad did a bit of hoovering, which required a sit-down afterwards and Lad did some revision once he finally got his backside out of bed. I will be very glad when these GCSEs or whatever they are have finished – it’s so tedious. Then, readers, She came home with several bags of presents from her Clients.  Young Lad enjoys the yearly ritual of opening these, and I sniffed out all the things that might be edible.  I have my eye on some Belgian chocolates.  I prefer those to the inferior quality Lidl own brand.  Please make a note of this for future reference.  At the moment, the numerous boxes of chocolates and biscuits are perched precariously in the kitchen as She’s toobldytired to put them away, and I’m bearing this in mind.

Tomorrow I’m hoping to get up to more of my old tricks.  He has to go somewhere during the day, and She has to go somewhere else (John Lewis, in case you’re wondering, as her mental health needs some soothing).  With a bit of luck, they’ll forget to put the bin out, and nobody has realised yet that there is one remaining chocolate on the tree, and I can reach it.  The possibilities are very exciting, tomorrow.  Then there will be a Fast Power Walk for 3 miles to work off the tiny portion of a portion of fish and chips, and then we’ve been promised the sofa, a cuddle, and a Christmas film.  This is bound to require snacks, so will be lovely.

By the way, someone sent me a Christmas Card!  Yes, my very own!  All thanks to my blog.  I was very chuffed.  I would have been more chuffed if they’d put a biscuit inside the envelope but it’s the thought that counts.

That one person in America still pops up occasionally.  Is it Meghan Markle’s Mum, I wonder?  If so, please tell her I want to go and live with her.

Bye for now,

Russell

Red robin

20171214_203435Here is Gingercat, cleverly pretending  that he’s not interested so that the red robin isn’t expecting an attack. Quick as a flash,  that robin will be off that tree and dashed to the ground. Such is the household in which I live. 

Well readers,  Pack Leader is home. After driving about threebldyhundred miles in 24 hours,  She wearily stepped through the front door late this afternoon.  I rushed to greet her, with Young Lad, and made a big fuss of her.  I never get this treatment.  Perhaps this will prick her conscience. I barked and barked, pretending I hadn’t been fed to see if I could fool her into giving me a second dinner.  It didn’t work. However there was some carrot chopping for dinner,  so I stood in my  usual position at the counter,  with the usual consequence. No pretty AD to tell me to get down today.  She’s back home with Nastygit. 

It’s been a quiet day.  He took me for a lovely walk;  Young Lad was supposed to come too, but couldn’t be bothered. Lad was at  school, She was driving up and down motorways listening to her Godforsaken 70s CD. I did knock the kitchen bin over this morning,  for something to do,  but somebody had already emptied it. I then dragged a blue plastic bag into the lounge; they think it was empty,  and if that makes them happy,  let them think that.  Tomorrow She and Lad are at school/work so it will be peaceful again.  I need to up the anti a bit. 

This is a short blog tonight as She is oh so tired and wants an Early Night.  Don’t we all. In fact there wasn’t going to be a blog at all tonight,  but I gave her a stern look and reminded her of all the people for whom this is the highlight of their day. Not to mention the Australian relatives,  who will be getting up about now,  and be bewildered by the lack of blog. 

Readers, it gets worse.  Remember the getting lost to the Works Christmas Do? And  the half hour to find the entrance to the hospital car park? Well.  Today She smugly entered the hospital car park efficiently, then drove round for a while trying to find a space.  She kept going past empty spaces marked “midwives only” or “renal unit. ” She actually  got quite cross and began muttering about why on earth is there an empty midwives/renal unit bay in the same position on each floor of the multi storey? Readers.  It took ages for her to work out that  if  you go up a ramp,  and a little further on down a ramp,  you are in fact on the same floor.  Yes, friends,  She had managed to go round level 6A of the car park several times. 

With that I say goodnight. No blog tomorrow, see you Wednesday. 

Russell