Hostile Action

37128380-cartoon-paper-boy-by-bikeVery early yesterday morning, Readers, I thwarted an attempted attack on my home.  It was about 6.30am and still dark, as I sat in my chair in the study looking out the window.  Everyone else was stomping around upstairs getting ready for school/work and moaning a lot, so I decided to curl up on a blanket by the radiator and keep out of the way.

Well, it’s a good job I did!  There I was, looking up the road when suddenly I spotted a very threatening figure moving swiftly towards our house, wearing a hoodie and a high-vis jacket.  I was terrified, Readers, and immediately moved to protect my family by barking hysterically and very loudly.  “GET AWAY” I roared to the figure in the road, “DO NOT DARE COME NEAR MY HOME FOR I WILL KILL YOU.”  I ignored the shouts from upstairs telling me to pack it in, and I barked on and on and on.  Closer and closer came the nasty dark figure, and I was in a frenzy.

It was the paperboy.  He is thirteen.

He doesn’t deliver to our house but that’s not the point.

Anyway once I had calmed down and the danger had passed, I had no choice but to go and sleep in my armchair as I was exhausted.  Nobody thanked me for my efforts.  It was a very traumatic start to the day, I can tell you.  Thank goodness Ebony’s Pack Leader came to collect me soon afterwards, and I really couldn’t wait to get out to her.  I felt safe and loved once with Ebony’s Pack Leader, which is rare for me in my own home.

So anyway, I had a lovely day at dear Ebony’s house and was very well-behaved. I enjoyed our walks and particularly enjoyed my sleep.  It is so peaceful at Ebony’s house.

It was very cold last night, Friends, and She put a fleecy blanket on Young Lad’s bed.  I think this was for me, so I jumped straight on it and spread out.  Young Lad was squashed up in one corner with a small amount of duvet over him and no fleecy blanket but I  think he was ok.  I didn’t stop to check.  It was so lovely and warm on this blanket that I really didn’t want to get up this morning and could have slept for hours.  Lad had the same problem. Really, who wants to get up in the freezing cold and dark at some unearthly hour?

But there we were, with the hideous alarm clocks going off.  I was back at dear Ebony’s again today, and I know for a fact that she isn’t fed up with me.  Everyone was late home from school/work tonight and dinner was rather late – Young Lad had inadvertently gone to after-school detention, which confused everyone as nobody knew why he was there.  It turned out well, however, as Detention Friend was meant to be in detention again, but was let out early to walk home with Young Lad.  She was late home due to the bldy car being in for bldyservice and MOT, and He was late home too.  This annoyed me, as it meant dinner was late which also means pre-rinsing the dishwasher was late.  This has impacted on my evening sleep time.  I do wish people would stick to time schedules better in this house.

Actually I had to show some aggression by the dishwasher tonight.  It had been Pasta Bianco for dinner (Jamie Oliver) as it’s quick to knock up when you are jolly well late home, and this is always a result as the spaghetti sticks to the plates and there is some garlicky gloop to clean off.  However, She put her knee in the way of the dishwasher as I was trying to climb in, and I had to headbutt the knee rather hard to make her move it.  I simply could not reach the plates at the back of the bottom row, so I had to snarl and growl until I was given more room to manoeuvre.

As usual our house is disgustingly untidy.  Young Lad has been told to get his school things ready the night before, to avoid all the I’ve forgotten my trainers/football boots/calculator/French book scenarios.  Bearing in mind it is Wednesday tomorrow and there is evening football training to factor in as well as a day at school, and you will see why the hall floor can’t be seen for sportswear, shinpads, thermal layers and exercise books. Quite why these things can’t be put in a bag is beyond me.  This is not my idea of organisation but it’s a step in the right direction.

I’m sorry to say that there is a very slight chance of snow tomorrow.  She says She’ll believe it when She sees it and I hope She’s right as I can’t bear the stuff.  To be on the safe side, I intend going to bed nice and early on Young Lad’s fleecy blanket and hunkering down for the night. It would be good if someone provided me with a hot water bottle but of course they won’t.  Or some extra food to compensate for the cold, but that doesn’t happen either.  Lad spends every waking moment going through the cupboards looking for food and clearly the cold weather is affecting him, too.

In fact, I think I’ll bed down for the night now.  I want to make sure that Young Lad hasn’t taken up too much of the bed.

Keep warm, Friends.

See you soon,

Russell

 

Usurper

griff Look, this is MY blog!  Really, it does annoy me when someone else tries to grab the limelight in whichever pathetic way they can.  There was absolutely no need for Gingercat to climb into the Tesco carrier bag today, and sit there while dinner was being prepared.  It is shameless attention-seeking and it does get on my nerves.

I’ve been moaned at a lot today.  It wasn’t my fault.  She took me out for a walk this afternoon and was already in a bad mood because of how bldyfreezing it was at the end of the bldyworld where Young Lad’s match was being played. Then, having been hopping from foot to foot for 70 minutes in a windchill factor of minus ten, She had no choice but to take me out for another fifty minutes as soon as returning home.  It was raining by this time, too.

Actually I was extremely well-behaved for most of the walk.  It was only at the end, when I saw my dear friend Pippa in the distance, that things started to go awry. Pippa and I bounded towards each other and frolicked away to our hearts’ content, while our Pack Leaders stood on the path and discussed doggy daycare plans for the week ahead. They were so engrossed in their conversation that they didn’t notice us frolick off a little further ahead, where I found a very large pile of something gooey and rank.  Pippa was well-behaved and simply stood watching me, as I rolled over and over in it.  It was nice.  I was screamed at, of course, and dragged home in disgrace where I had to be soaked in the bath and rubbed VERY roughly with my new fox poo shampoo, in order to remove all the slime.   Then the bathroom was bleached from top to bottom, and I was sent to my bed in the kitchen in disgrace.

Talk about over-react.

Anyway, due to someone having spent half the day outside in conditions that would have tested Ernest Shackleton, we now have the fire on, and I’m cuddled up in a blanket on that person’s knee.  It’s lovely.  The wind is howling outside, Young Lad is snuggled up next to me watching Family Guy and all is cosy.  Some snacks would be nice, of course.

Lad seems terribly hungry all the time these days – I know the feeling, and nobody suggests Lad has a tapeworm – and has spent the last two evenings eating non-stop for hours whilst on the Xbox.  Lad has been asked to clear up after himself at the end of the evenings, and he has been very good at putting all his rubbish in the bin.  I have been very good at getting it all out again, and running round the house with crisp packets, cake wrappers, more crisp packets and a few more crisp packets.  Generally I deposit these under the dining room table, and it was good to see that She finally got down on the floor today and crawled under there to tidy up.  Readers, I don’t like to be a snitch, but Lad had actually eaten a WHOLE MULTIPACK of Skips last night.  Yep, that’s six packets.  Poor Lad, he is not given enough food and it is shoddy parenting when one’s offspring have no choice but to stuff themselves silly with maize snacks.

Yesterday I had a nice lie-in as it was Saturday, and it was rather pleasant to be allowed to sleep beyond 8am.  He took me for a long walk in the morning, which was really nice and then She took me for another one in the afternoon.  This totalled two walks in the space of a few hours, and left me exhausted.  Thus  I needed another lie-in this morning and am very glad nobody got up early.

Young Lad couldn’t find his thermal layers for his football match today, even though Detention Friend was here trying to help in the search, so in an unusual moment of ingenuity, She found a dark coloured pyjama top and said that will have to do.  I’m not sure whether it is good parenting to send one’s child to a football match in a pyjama top, but necessity is the mother of invention or some such nonsense.  This evening Young Lad has found his thermal top on the banisters, underneath several winter coats.  Of course it was.

Readers, I need to interject at this point with a little update about my book – I have now sold over 170 copies and am about to make another payment to the Important Place In London.  Thank you very much to all you lovely purchasers.

Friday night wasn’t the usual Slovenly Pizza night for all of us – at least Young Lad, He and I curled up in the lounge eating pizza, but She went to the cinema with her good friend Loadsakids.   Mostly they go to sit somewhere dark and warm with a cup of tea, and not have to talk to anyone.  I’m not sure this is the point of the cinema but never mind.  There is always much Googling afterwards,when neither of them has fully understood the ending and they have to explain it to each other.  Readers, I’m very glad that this isn’t my idea of a good time. 

I have received some more fan-mail recently, with a lovely long letter and a photo from a spaniel.  Yes really.

Well that wind is building quite dramatically and I’m jolly glad to be indoors.  I have no intention of going out for a comfort break at 10pm and will snarl/snap/wrinkle my nose when they try to make me.  Tomorrow I’m at dear Ebony’s house and I’m hoping there are some nice treats around, as I know for a fact that her Pack Leader Male had a special birthday recently and there might be some decent food.  To be honest I’m a bit fed up with Skips and licking out crisp packets.

Do you know what is forecast later in the week?  Yes Readers, snow.  Doubtless it’s media hysteria and will amount to nothing more than a couple of flakes but that’s a couple too many in my opinion.  The only good thing about the snow is that everyone feels sorrier than usual for the Stupid Starlings and loads of food gets put out on the bird table for me to eat.

Stay warm, Friends.

Bye for now,

Russell

Huge

img_20190124_182656_275 Readers just look at the size of that carrot!!  Compare it to my paws – it’s massive.  You can see quite clearly that I am gripping on to the kitchen counter tightly with my claws – I had been there for ages before this, trying to reach a large lump of cheddar while tonight’s macaroni cheese was being made.  That ploy had failed, so I had no choice but to try my luck again with the unfeasibly large carrot.  I fared better with the vegetable and was given the top and bottom chunk of it to eat. 

The kitchen was in a dreadful state by the time dinner had been prepared.  Bits of grated cheese littered the surface and burned/melted dollops of cheese sauce covered the hob.  Classy.  Then some broccoli was chopped and so millions of green pieces added to the mess.  Talk about a filthy cook – I feel some effort should be made to clear up as one goes along.  What sort of example is this for Young Lad and Lad?  Who knows; their bedrooms might be immaculate if only they had been brought up with a better role model.  

It is very noisy here this evening and frankly it is getting on my nerves.  Lad is upstairs doing weights and hitting his punchbag and the such like, with hideous rap music blaring out to create the right ‘working out’ atmosphere.  Not to be outdone, Young Lad is playing music on his phone whilst having a game of pool with He – this is also hideous rap music though not the same as Lad’s, so I have bad music on surround sound tonight. I’m trying to blot it all out by chewing my large bone – I just found it under the dining room table!  Result! – and the scraping of my teeth against the bone is adding to the vile cacophony, She says.  In fact She seems a little irritated by it all.

Scrape scrape crunch.  Scrape scrape grind.  I do love a good bone.

I’ve had a lovely couple of days with my friends.  Today I’ve been to dear, dear Pippa’s house and we’ve had two lengthy walks so really it is quite surprising that I have the energy for gnawing my bone.  I will need a good sleep in a bit.  It was lovely in here a little earlier, as She said it was bldyfreezing when She came in from work, and put the fire on.  Now this rarely happens, and throwing caution to the wind like this is very unusual in my house.  But put the fire on She did, and it was so homely and cosy.  I could happily have slept in front of it all evening, but half an hour later it was switched off due to worry about the bldygasbill.  Young Lad begged to have the fire back on as it looks so lovely and makes the lounge cosy, but Bills are Bills and No is No.

It really is rather cold at the moment and the thermometer didn’t make it above freezing all day today.  I simply did not want to get out of bed this morning – who would!  So while everyone else was running around like a headless chicken getting ready for work/school, Gingercat and I stayed put on the bed and snuggled down into the duvet.  It was nice.  I see no need to get up at this ridiculous hour.

Yesterday, being Wednesday, I went to dear Ebony’s house as we all know that Wednesdays in my own home are rubbish.  Nobody gets in until late and I am LEFT ABANDONED for hours. It was very stressy here, actually, at tea time because Young Lad was meant to be going to football training with Detention Friend, and a lift had been organised for them and everything! (Of course no adults would be home from work in time to take poor Young Lad to football – such good parenting.)  But plans can change, Friends, and Young Lad decided he didn’t “feel up” to football training after all;  I suspect he based this on the appallingly low temperature outside.  Thus arrangements had to be changed and there was  a lot of ill-tempered text messaging and whatsapping.  What on earth did they do before mobile phones?

After Pippa’s Pack Leader very kindly dropped me home tonight, I raced out to the back porch as soon as she had left and pulled down the bag of food compost.  It was full to the brim of potato peelings, carrot peelings and broccoli stalks.  I ate what I fancied and chucked the rest over the back porch.  It looks dreadful.

In fact maybe you could try to picture what my home looks like tonight.  There are the peelings all over the back porch.  The grated cheese and broccoli bits all over the hob.  Burnt cheese sauce on the metal bit in the middle of the hob.  And an extremely large bone in the middle of the lounge floor. Does your house look like this?  Of course it doesn’t.  Because in your house people have standards.

I’m being told that I need to stop chewing the bone and be quiet, as “Dogs Behaving Badly” starts soon.  Tonight this features a kleptomaniac basset hound, which of course is a fairly close cousin of mine, so  I expect lots of parallels will be drawn.  It’s so tedious.   I suppose this will make a change from the tension of Prison Break, though, and there will be less call for gasping and covering Young Lad’s eyes with hands.  Although it depends what the basset hound steals, I would think.

I found a Mr Kipling apple pies box in the bin yesterday – I was so excited, thinking I had managed to snaffle something really tasty.  The box looked full, and the silver foil cases were all in their little plastic moulds but no!  Lad had eaten the entire box and just carefully replaced all the packaging.  I was exceedingly disappointed. 

Well hooray.  Young Lad has turned off his awful rap music and Lad has turned his down, so the only hideous noise now is Gingercat walking around and yowling like a mad banshee at the top of his voice.  I will do my best to sleep through it.

See you soon,

Russell

Muffin

muffin2_4 I know!  It’s yet another food one!!  The thing is, Lad had just sat down with his Saturday breakfast of a large choc chip muffin and a cup of tea, when I dashed into the lounge at lightning speed and in one smooth movement, removed the muffin from his plate and ran to the kitchen with it.  Lad barely had time to register it had disappeared!  I was very impressed with my own speed and dexterity, I have to say.  Nobody else was impressed with me though, and I was shouted at and told I am getting worse.  There was a time that I didn’t just snatch food from plates willy nilly, but I don’t remember those days and they can’t have been a lot of fun to be honest.

It was a lovely muffin.  She had only just returned from doing the food shop, or ‘popping into town’ as Regular Readers will remember it, and I suspect that this muffin had been baked freshly that morning.  Really it was a shame to eat it so quickly in two gulps as it made savouring the flavour difficult, but Readers you never know when someone might try to take your food away from you so it must be eaten fast at all costs.

It had started strangely, the weekend.  At 4.45am on Saturday morning when everyone was looking forward to a lie-in, I decided I needed a comfort break and Gingercat started yowling.  I was enjoying the night-time ambience of the garden and had to be bribed back in with a biscuit – however, I was in a funny old mood and decided that instead of eating the large bone-shaped biscuit, I would bury it somewhere safe to have it later.  Readers, I could not find anywhere to bury it – I walked round and round the bedrooms with the damn bone biscuit in my mouth, but simply couldn’t make a decision.  In the end I saw Young Lad’s nice expensive fluffy bathrobe thrown on the floor, and I thought what a marvellous place for hiding a biscuit this would be.  So at approximately 5.15am I was busy digging up the bathrobe and scrunching it into a heap, so that I could bury my bone deep inside.

By this time Gingercat was walking round the house yowling pitifully – I suspect Gingercat is well on the way to senility – and it was an awful racket.  I found it very hard to get back to sleep and I must say that She was in a foul mood in the morning, due to the number of disturbances. I felt this was rather unwarranted.

Soon it was time for my Saturday morning walk, which was rather lovely as there were many friends by the river.  Teddy the Copper Australian Labradoodle (he’s NOT a Cockapoo) was down there, and I haven’t seen him for ages so I played briefly with him.  Very briefly in fact, for I sensed that Teddy’s Pack Leader had some treats and so I jumped up at her nice black coat and put muddy footprints all over it.  My daring was rewarded with a couple of extremely small treats; I have to say I was a little underwhelmed by them.  I do hope she brings more substantial ones in future.  Then we ploughed on over the river, checking under the bridge for dead bodies like you do, and up into Top Field.  Readers, there WAS a dead body in Top Field!!  Not the sort you’re thinking of, but a rabbit with half its head chewed off.  We had to stand by it, saying Oh Poor Poor Bunny for ages, which I thought was faintly ridiculous and very dull.  You would have thought lessons had been learned twenty years ago when saying Oh Poor Poor Hedgehog whilst driving past a carcass, and smashing into a  stationary car full of firemen waiting at a junction. But clearly not.

Once we had stopped weeping over Watership Down, we carried on and eventually finished our walk.  I was exhausted for the rest of the day.

Yesterday morning it was very frosty out and the ground was frozen solid.  Young Lad’s football match was called off, and so a long, leisurely Sunday stretched out ahead of me.  But no.  I was dragged for an early walk round the Rec even though it was bone hard and freezing cold.  On the path near the Rec, though, I spotted some eggshells.  They were frozen and stuck to the ground but even so!  Now I know what you’re thinking – why on earth would there be broken eggshells on the alleyway by the Rec?  I don’t know and couldn’t care less – I simply pulled on my lead and snatched them up.  There was an added crunchiness to them, due to the ice, but I still enjoyed them.  The calcium content is very good for me, you know.

I felt very sorry for Lad and Young Lad at the weekend.  They were FORCED to engage in manual labour for an hour  – one had to do the dusting and the other had to do the hoovering.  This was  unpaid, and I feel this is very poor parenting yet again.  For the love of God, it’s their weekend too!  Then poor Young Lad had to do FOUR pieces of homework yesterday and Lad has done, er , a bit.  Too much is expected of them.

There was a programme on TV last week called Dogs Behaving Badly. You would not believe the number of you that texted/whatsappd/phoned to tell us to watch it.  Sicknote was the first, and Grandma wasn’t far behind.  Well. This programme features badly-behaved dogs who are seemingly out of control and so a very nice chap with a touch of tweed about him comes to your house and instils a little discipline into proceedings by saying “down boy” and revolutionary things like that.   She said, predictably, that the nice man with a touch of tweed would be able to do BUGGER ALL about my abysmal behaviour,  largely the raiding of cupboards and stealing of food.  I sincerely hope She doesn’t invite him round to try.

I’ve had a lovely day at Ebony’s today, and tomorrow I’m off to Pippa’s house.  What would we do without friends, Readers?

Bye for now,

Russell

Sausage rolls

sausage rolls Look, Readers, I realise an awful lot of my blog posts surround the subject of food but I make no apology for this. As if the korma from the other night wasn’t delicious enough, Young Lad came home from school yesterday with the results of his Food Tech lesson.  Oh my word – if I thought the Rock Cakes and Flapjack were a triumph, then these sausage rolls surpassed even those!  The pastry was as light as a feather and melted in the mouth.  Well it would have melted in my mouth if it had stayed there long enough.

Now don’t forget that Young Lad had said as he didn’t like the pastry of normal sausage rolls, he would use chicken instead of pork sausage meat.  And so these delicious sausage rolls contained chicken sausage and – get this! – Young Lad in an explosion of creativity, added chopped up apple for sweetness and some tarragon.  I know!  The result was utterly delectable – She gave me a small rather squashed up one to try, and I LOVED it.  Oh hurrah hurrah for Food Technology, that’s all I can say.

I’ve had a jolly nice few days as everyone has been at work or school, so I’ve spent the days with my dear friends.  Pippa and I spent the day together yesterday and I was as good as gold all day, and then today I’ve been at dear, dear Ebony’s house.  We’ve had two very long walks, it has to be said, and I’m exhausted so there will be a lot of loud snoring again all evening.  

Recently they have been watching something called Prison Break, which seems terribly exciting as every so often She or Young Lad shout “Oh no!!” and they seem very tense a lot of the time.  I will annoy them by snoring loudly over the quiet, sinister bits this evening but that serves them right for being at work and school all the time.  Or  not giving me any pizza this evening.  I whined and grizzled but all I was given were some carrot batons.  This is very poor.

Yesterday morning, Readers, do you know what I saw out the window?  Five flakes of snow!  Oh no, I thought to myself, not a return to The Beast From The East;  you may remember how much I didn’t enjoy that last year.  I can see nothing pleasant whatsoever in walking miles on cold, wet white stuff.  It’s only enjoyable when She falls over, and then it’s quite funny.  Luckily the five flakes of snow stopped quite quickly and I could go back to sleep.  I truly hope that’s it for this year’s snow.

Dinner last night was a selection of ready meals from Sparks Means Marks as She had been to London for work all day and so was too lazy   tired to cook, so Lad was delighted to be given a Four Cheese Ravioli – his all-time favourite – and there was Lasagne or Macaroni Cheese for He and Young Lad.  I was very, very happy last evening Friends, as I lay in my bed in the kitchen cleaning out the ready meal trays for half the evening.  I do love a good ready meal.  I wish She would go to London more often.  Lad was still hungry after his Four Cheese Ravioli, however, and had no choice but to cook  Young’s Cod in batter and chips a bit later in the evening. Poor Lad.

I’ve had a little problem with my rear end over the last few days and have been making some abysmal smells or so I’m told.    I feel that this is due to my very restricted diet of Healthy Dog Food and carrot batons, and if I was given more in the way of interesting treats such as pizza, I’m sure the fragrance would be better.  But nobody listens.

When She came home from work the other evening, there was some moaning because there was a tiny weeny bit of sick on the carpet- it wasn’t really sick but just some froth with grass in it.  There was no need for all the moaning and fussing about it, and it will soon come out with a squirty rub of Dr Beckmann carpet cleaner.  Neither Gingercat nor I were prepared to own up to the froth with grass in it; we know who it was but have made a pact.  Anyway the froth with the grass in it just blended in with the mud from Young Lad’s football boots that was all over the hall – and didn’t he get a telling off for that!  Poor Young Lad.  It wasn’t just his fault: Detention Friend had also  been in the hall with muddy boots and for goodness sake it’s a wooden floor, so really what’s the problem?  Yes, Young Lad could have swept it up if he had time but poor Young Lad was trying to cook himself and Detention Friend chips AND play on the Xbox at the same time, and he can’t be expected to do everything!!

I’m looking forward to a lie-in tomorrow morning, Friends, as I’m fed up with the early starts.  Yesterday morning one of the alarm clocks went off at 5.40am for heaven’s sake!  This was only ten minutes after I’d been out for my comfort break, and was most inconvenient.   I do wish some thought could be given to me occasionally.

Mmmm I can smell some food again – Lad has just returned from the gym and started cooking himself an American Extra Hot.  If I can find the strength I’ll stagger off the sofa in a little while and go and beg while Lad eats it – there is a small chance that he might give me a bit if I annoy him enough.  You don’t get anywhere in life by sitting back and being passive I have learned, and so one has to put one’s head above the parapet occasionally.  I just hope there is some pizza above the parapet tonight.

Enjoy your slovenly Friday night, Readers.

See you soon,

Russell

Cor! (ma)

chicken-korma  It was rather splendid last evening, Friends, as Young Lad didn’t much care for the Quorn curry She had painstakingly made – he enjoyed the nutrition-free poppadums and bland rice – but Young Lad isn’t one for any spice regardless of how feeble it is.  As a result his plate had loads left on it and in a rare moment of generosity, the leftovers were scraped into my bowl and I was allowed to have them.  This was because a)  it was Quorn and therefore low fat  b) had loads of hidden vegetables in and therefore healthy and c) I’ve been looking very slim lately and it was considered I could afford the calories.  I loved the Quorn korma, Readers, and sincerely hope Young Lad doesn’t like more of his dinners.

It’s been a funny old few days.  Yesterday I had company for much of the day as She wasn’t working and so we had a long, long walk in the morning up to Top Top Field and then round Lower Top Field for good measure.  This worked out at four miles and I was exhausted by the end of it. I could barely drag myself back up the road.  Then, what do you know, She put some stale bread out for the Stupid Starlings and so instead of being able to rest, I had to keep running in and out of the back garden to eat the bits they knock off the bird table.  This is, in fact, most of it.  This really was too much on top of a four mile walk.

Then I tried to get some sleep but oh no, it was bdlycleaning and bldylaundry day so the hoover was going non-stop, the washing machine seemed to be on permanent fast spin and then the tumble dryer joined in.  It’s not the electricity bill or the environment that I’m bothered about – it’s the noise when I’m trying to sleep.  It’s just so selfish.

I took my revenge by needing a comfort break in the garden at 5.10am this morning.  I took my time so that it was 5.20am by the time we got back upstairs and then Gingercat started yowling a lot so it was nearly ten to six before She fell back to sleep.  The alarm went off ten minutes later and I was moaned at.  I  ignored this and stayed asleep on the bed for another hour whilst everyone else got up and stomped round the house in their usual happy early morning mood.

Last night, just before bed, I was pinned down to the floor and Young Lad was instructed to shine a torch down my ears so that they could be cleaned out.  It seems they were “disgusting” and Young Lad had to keep the torch still for absolutely ages whilst deep cleaning was undertaken.  Young Lad and I were both quite fed up with this after a while.  Yesterday I was also trapped in a corner of the kitchen and had flea stuff dropped on the back of my neck – I snapped at She and tried to take her hand off, so I was given a little extra dinner and while I was busy wolfing that down, the rest of the flea stuff was applied.  This was irritating and underhand.  Gingercat had much the same to put up with, though he is easier to trap and pin down.  

So now Gingercat and I are freshly flea-treated and I sense a worming tablet might be coming my way soon too.

Today was wonderful – I went to daycare at dear, dear Pippa’s house!  Oh my word, we haven’t seen each other for so long, what with Pippa’s Pack Leader rather selfishly going away for a long weekend.  Pippa and I were so excited to see each other and had a marvellous time.  On my afternoon walk I rolled in something, but it was nowhere near the level of rolling in something that I undertook with Ebony last week, you’ll be glad to know.  

It was a bit strange when I came back home this afternoon – Young Lad was nowhere to be seen, even though he should have been home ages ago.  It turns out that Young Lad’s friend had detention, and asked Young Lad and the other friends to all wait for him while he did his hour’s detention so that they could walk home together.  This Young Lad and his friends happily agreed to, then they missed a bus and finally they trawled home at 5.20pm which is an hour and a half later than usual.  Young Lad has had something of a talking to tonight – there has been no praise of his sense of loyalty to Detention Friend, of course – oh no.  Young Lad is now clear that he will not be staying behind when Detention Friend has detention again.

I have been shouted at this evening for running off with a bowl that had contained tinned peaches and ice-cream.  Look, Lad had finished with it and put it down, and at this point it becomes my property.  Lad has a new habit of leaving half-full bowls of porridge in his bedroom in the mornings, and Lad and I have an understanding that when that bowl goes down on a surface, it becomes mine.  This seems quite fair to me.

Well tomorrow is Wednesday which means nobody will be home until silly o’clock.  Thankfully I’m off to dear Ebony’s, and I’m sure she hasn’t been glad to have a break from me after I was there for four days last week.  Young Lad and Detention Friend will be home first tomorrow afternoon, but it is a tight bldy schedule as always on a Wednesday and they are under strict instructions to pull the curtains, put the lights on, change for football training, feed Gingercat and me, and make themselves some dinner.  They will then be collected at 5.45pm for training.  I feel this is far too much to ask of Young Lad and Detention Friend and something is bound to go awry.   They have already used great foresight and intelligence by saying why don’t they buy chips on the way home from school, thus removing one job from the list.  Oh I would so love them to bring chips home, Readers.

Well I don’t know about you but I’m ready for bed.

See you soon,

Russell

Volume Control

snoring Last night they had to keep turning up the volume on the telly, Readers, as I was snoring so loudly that nobody could hear it.  I was moaned at for this, of course.  It doesn’t seem to occur to them that I was exhausted and needed to rest – oh no, finding it tricky to hear something on Prison Break is far more important.  The volume went up to 18 at one point when my breathing became too much – this woke me up.

Why was I so tired, I hear you ask?  Well. At dear, dear Ebony’s house yesterday I had to walk all the way from Ebony’s bed to the armchair, and then to the sofa.  This was extremely tiring and I had no choice but to sleep heavily on each piece of furniture.  It really was too much.  We’d already had a long walk in the morning – thankfully very uneventful after the events of earlier in the week.  Don’t forget I am looking very slim at the moment, so  clearly all the exercise and insufficient food is taking it out of me.

How I was looking forward to it being Friday night and therefore Slovenly Pizza night.  I’m appalled to say that someone had donned pyjamas before 6.30pm last night – I know! – and there we were, on the sofa with a cuddly fleece and plates of pizza.  (Although someone had scrambled egg on toast as it had less calories, but I was far more interested in the pizza.  I need all the calories I can get.)  Instead of it being a lovely relaxing evening, there was all the moaning about my noise and irritable turning up the volume every two minutes.

Lad was out at the gym during all this, which takes an awful lot of effort at the end of a long week; well done, Lad.  Lad came back mid-evening and shut himself in the other room with a pizza and the Xbox.  This made for a very nice evening for Lad.  I would have enjoyed this too, but wasn’t allowed in there.

I’ve been very well-behaved the last few days, Friends, after the incident in the field with Ebony. I’ve been at dear Ebony’s house every day as Pippa’s Pack Leader is away.  I think Ebony and her family have thoroughly enjoyed having me there for four days and aren’t fed up with me at all.  I did steal a large broccoli stem from the back porch once home on Thursday, which didn’t do a lot for the room fragrance that evening, and my anal glands did leak a bit the other night, but other than that I’ve been an angel.  It won’t last.

I do wonder about Young Lad sometimes.  She asked him what he is cooking in Food Tech next week, and Young Lad said it is sausage rolls; however he is going to make chicken rolls, as he doesn’t like the pastry.  There was a lengthy silence after this proclamation at the dinner table while everyone tried and failed to follow his logic.  Young Lad had it gently explained to him that there will still be a need for pastry in order to make chicken sausage rolls as otherwise he will just be making, er, chicken.  Young Lad didn’t seem convinced.

Then, Readers, Young Lad started telling us about some work he had written that day.  The teacher had asked them to write about a famous person who has shown resilience.  I was thinking proudly oh I hope he wrote about Malala, or Nelson Mandela, or someone like that.  Young Lad in fact wrote about someone called Chris Colman, the manager of Middlesborough football club, who showed great resilience when his team were on the brink of relegation.  I’m not convinced this was what the teacher had in mind but feel sure Young Lad will get a good mark.

As I write I am furiously licking Young Lad’s clothes as he has just been eating some peanuts and seems to have dropped salt every where.  The action of me licking his clothes is tickling Young Lad and making him squirm around – I do wish he would sit still.

I had a nice long walk this morning, Friends, down to the river and along into Far Field.  I was put on the lead several times just in case there was anything unpleasant in which I might roll as they’ve all had enough of bathing me.  There was an unfamiliar dog on a lead – with one of those silly pink coats on – and I imagine the dog was embarrassed about its silly coat as it launched itself at me when I walked past and tried to kill me.  This was unnecessary and annoying.  Further on we met an elderly spaniel and I was so wound up by the recent attack that I tried to kill the elderly spaniel.  It was all very confusing.

There was a fisherman by the river so I let rip at him, to serve him right for sitting so still and silently.  Such intimidation!  Well he didn’t intimidate me, I can tell you.  I thought about nicking something from his bait box but someone shouted “DON’T YOU DARE!!” in a hideous fishwife voice, so I didn’t. 

Grandma rang this evening, and said that one of her friends has just read my book and couldn’t put it down.  This friend also had the audacity to question whether some of the events have been “made up.”  You know, and I know, that not one single event has been fabricated.  She says She wishes  much of it was a figment of her imagination, but it really isn’t. I’ve instructed Grandma to put her friend right on this matter forthwith.

Well, Readers, I’m looking forward to a lie-in tomorrow morning as the ruddy alarm clock doesn’t need to go off at 6am.  There will be some rushing around however as Young Lad has a football match, so there will  be stressy shouting when shinpads/waterbottles/shorts have suddenly disappeared at the last minute but I will try to ignore them.  There was a time that I was taken to football matches – back in the day when Lad played – but these days there are signs saying No Dogs by the playing fields.  I find this hurtful and disrespectful especially near any playing fields that have a burger van nearby.  I used to love the burger van pitches in particular.

Golly I really am exhausted again.  Time for another sleep.

See you soon,

Russell

 

Hash Browns

hash_browns_largeYum, Readers, I have just snatched a delicious hash brown from Lad’s plate and run off with it.  Lad wasn’t paying attention and his reflexes weren’t fast enough for me.  The hash brown was gone in a mere two gulps, but I did enjoy it – to be fair I’m not keen on barbecue sauce, and would have preferred it if Lad hadn’t added this to the plate, but beggars can’t be choosers.

The observant amongst you will be wondering why on earth Lad is having to eat processed nonsense for dinner, and also why he’s eating from a plate on the sofa rather than sitting up at the dinner table.  Well, Readers, civilised family mealtimes don’t happen on Wednesday nights – historically this was due to indoor cricket training but is now due to outdoor football training.  Wednesday nights seem very popular for this kind of physical activity and it has caused something of a dilemma and some heartache trying to choose which to attend.

Anyway I digress.  Wednesdays are still as rubbish as they used to be, as nobody gets home till late and then they rush straight out again.  Thus poor Lad had to eat a beige meal of hash browns and other freezer food, sitting on the sofa.  This is poor parenting.

Do you know what, stealing that hash brown has given me a certain spring in my step, and I followed it by leaping onto the sofa and trying to grab Young Lad’s flapjack from his plate.  This time someone’s reflexes were  fast enough, and She grabbed my collar at the last second.  This annoyed me and I will now only get a few crumbs of flapjack as opposed to the whole square.  In fact, I have just stood on top of Young Lad as he reclines on the sofa, planting my feet squarely across him and making a dive to the plate so that I could lick up the flapjack crumbs.  Unfortunately as I turned round,  with my rear end towards his face, I had a little escape of gas which Young Lad found very funny but She says is vulgar.

I tried a new trick tonight, Readers, taking advantage of all the dashing around and stress that is a Wednesday night here.  I stood in the kitchen and barked, looking at my food bowl.  She came out and said, oh dear haven’t you been fed you poor little boy, or words to that effect.  In fact it was “Oh for God’s sake hasn’t anyone fed the ruddy dog?” but  it has  almost the same meaning.  Young Lad said he thought he had fed me, then said he wasn’t sure – maybe it was his friend that fed me when they came in from school together.  Helpfully Young Lad could remember feeding Gingercat.  I barked and looked sadly at my food bowl again, and with much tutting and sighing I was given a small meal.

Readers, Young Lad’s friend had given me a lovely bowl of food at 3.55pm.

This was a cunning plan which I will use again soon.  

I’ve been to dear, dear Ebony’s house today and this is quite surprising as they would be perfectly within their rights to never let me darken their doorstep again.  Yesterday I was Very Bad.  Very, Very Bad.   Look, Ebony was Very Bad as well, but seemingly it’s a worse crime for me to have been Very Bad as I was the guest.  Ebony’s Pack Leader put us in the car and took us somewhere different for  a walk – a splendid walk across some fields.  There were wonderful smells and sights, and Ebony and I followed our noses all over the place.

Ebony’s Pack Leader turned round to find us at one point, Friends, and couldn’t believe her eyes.  There, across the field, were eight legs waving in the air.  Yes, eight!!  How she laughed as she started screaming and running across the field towards us – oh, twas a funny sight to see all these waving legs.

It wasn’t fox poo, Readers.  It wasn’t cow pats.  The substance we were rolling in hadn’t been produced by a creature with four legs.  I will say no more than that.

The smell was indescribable.  Ebony’s Pack Leader put us back in the crate in the car, took us home (gagging all the way) and threw buckets of water over us in the garden.  I felt this lacked a little finesse, but didn’t like to say anything.   More buckets of water, and some scrubbing.  It didn’t end there – later on, once our fur had dried, Ebony’s Pack Leader tried Bicarbonate of Soda to neutralise the fragrance.  This didn’t work so, unbelievably, she resorted to perfume.

It was a good job that Ebony’s Pack Leader didn’t have anything to do yesterday and could devote her entire day to getting rid of the smell.  To be honest I think she might have been a bit bored if we hadn’t given her this task.

The perfume didn’t work.  I still stank.

Once She got home from work I was forced into the new shower and shampooed yet again from head to foot.  I couldn’t have a bath as He was lying in it after a cold day at work and there wasn’t room for both of us.

Because of my abhorrent behaviour, I wasn’t allowed to sleep in the bedrooms last night .  I had to sleep in my OWN bed on the landing. This is outrageous and I made my protest known by snoring loudly all night.

Honestly, it was exhausting with all the bowls of water and scrubbing and showers.  Ebony’s Pack Leader will never take us back to that field again and played safe today by going to the river.

Lad is very tired tonight as there is only one train an hour from the station near his school to our town, and this is STUPID.   Lad had to wait FIFTY STUPID minutes tonight for a train and then walk home from the station – poor Lad.  This is too much for anyone.  You would think Lad could be greeted with a home-cooked nutritious meal, rather than a curt text message saying “fball. Dinner oven. 6.30”  I mean really, where is the love and parenting in this?  

Even Young Lad was poorly catered for tonight, as he and his friend had forgotten to make themselves anything to eat so She had to produce something in the space of five bldyminutes.  Young Lad’s friend says that She is a brilliant cook and makes lovely dinners.  Readers, it was beans on toast.

Well, let’s hope now that my fur smells nice again I can be allowed back in a bedroom tonight.  If not I will have to snore loudly for the second night running.

See you soon,

Russell

 

 

Rearranging

20190107_154455 Today I’ve had a lot of fun, Readers.  I was home alone for nearly three hours this morning which is very brave of them, and I put the time to good use.  First of all I pulled lots of Christmas carrier bags all over the back porch, looking through them for snacks.  There weren’t any.  I also knocked a couple of recipe books off the shelves for good measure.  The back porch looked a right state once I’d finished rearranging everything.

Back in the kitchen I opened the cupboards and pulled all the Tupperware boxes on the floor.  I reached up a bit higher and managed to knock a jar of Tiptree marmalade onto the floor as well – luckily this didn’t smash, as Tiptree marmalade is awfully expensive and we only had it as a treat when Nana aged 87 came to stay at Christmas.  Once that’s finished we will  be back to Tesco Fine Shred basic.  I left the marmalade alone, largely because I couldn’t get into the jar, and had another look on the spice shelf.  Hurrah!  A packet of vegetable stock cubes – I pulled them out and ate a couple.  They were a bit salty and I needed a big drink of water afterwards.

Upstairs I went, to see what I could find.  I tipped the bathroom bin all over the floor and ate whatever I fancied and then went through the bedroom bins.  Nobody had thought to shut the doors, you see.  Big mistake.  The bedroom carpets were covered in tissues, make-up-covered cotton wool and all sorts of stuff when I had finished.

Of course when She came in with the usual silly “have you  been a good, good boy or a naughty, naughty boy?” it was patently obvious what the answer was, as She could see the state of the house.  It was very funny.  There was some moaning and grumbling at me, and it took AGES to clear it all up, but I couldn’t care less.  It had been very amusing.  Well don’t leave me on my own for three hours, then!

Why had they forgotten to shut the bedroom doors, you may be wondering?  Readers, they were running around like blue-arsed flies as usual on the first school day of the week, trying to get everyone out the house on time with all the things they needed.  Poor organisation as ever, and quite why Young Lad couldn’t have found a black  pen before he was due to leave the house I do not know.  Thus the doors were forgotten.

It’s been a messy few days here really.  A couple of times I’ve gone through the recycling bags and taken out various boxes  and containers, running down the garden with them where I rip them up and spit bits all over the lawn.  My all time favourite is the Young’s cod in batter box, as there are always a few crumbs of batter in there and it’s delicious.  You have to rip that box into really, really small pieces and spit them everywhere.  This makes tidying up difficult and long-winded.

When some tidying up was attempted in the kitchen yesterday, a pack of Quality Street was shoved back onto the top shelf.  Imagine my surprise when a green triangle escaped from the packet and fell to the floor – it wasn’t there long.  I ate the wrapper too.  I like the green triangles.  And all the others, even the coffee ones that nobody else likes.

Anyway, I felt I could afford to eat a green triangle as several people lately have commented on my svelte figure!  I am looking about the slimmest I’ve ever been which can’t be said for anyone else in my family, and someone at the river yesterday remarked that they could see my ribs!!   I know!!  So this just proves that I am under-fed which is the point I’ve been trying to  make every day.  I have also been cracking a lot of dreadful smells so there has been a slight concern that my weight loss and flatulence might be linked, but only a very slight concern.  Nobody seems that worried. 

At the river over the weekend we bumped into Nicedogwalkerlady and her husband, and they made a lovely fuss of me.  There was some discussion of the dull eleven mini-mince pies debacle, and then Nicedogwalkerlady’s husband said did we know that grapes are poisonous to humans too, and She said (ignorantly) is it the citric acid in them, and he said no it’s the fourteen bottles of Sauvignon Blanc.  There was much laughter.  I failed to see the humour in this and carried on sniffing under the willow tree.  A little later we met Oscar The Border Terrier who always jumps up at She’s jeans and plasters them with mud.  Oscar did exactly that and She pretended She didn’t mind and said what a little tinker he is.  Oscar’s Pack Leaders hadn’t heard the eleven mini-mince pie story so we had to go through all that again.  Dear God.

There was a fight in our house early on Sunday morning, Friends.  This involved She, me and the duvet.  I refused point blank to budge from the part where I was comfortable even though it was really scrunched up and She had no duvet at all, so I had no choice but to growl and snarl when the pulling and yanking started.  I’ve never seen such selfishness – the aggression that was used to wrest the duvet from under me!  Nasty and spiteful, Readers, really it was.

Everyone is at school/work for the rest of the week so I am being completely ignored.  Thankfully dear Ebony has said I can go for walks with her and I am very welcome to sleep in her bed so that’s something.  I think that’s what she said. Young Lad should have gone to after-school football training tonight, but poor Young Lad was exhausted from his football match yesterday and couldn’t be bothered.  I quite understand.  This obsession with long walks and physical exercise is really quite unhealthy.

For that reason I need to have forty winks in my chair now.  Golly what a lot of throwing stuff around I did today!  No wonder I’m tired out.

Bye for now,

Russell

Bare!

20190104_184203 THE PLATE IS EMPTY!!   WHAT’S GOING ON?!!   Readers, I cannot believe the selfishness of them tonight – it’s Slovenly Pizza night on the sofa, and just look at Young Lad’s plate!  Not a crumb left for me.  This is very poor, Friends, very poor.

It’s been an incredibly dull couple of days to be honest – Young Lad and I have been bored beyond belief.  Everyone has gone back to school/work apart from Young Lad who has been home alone for two whole, long days.  It was thought that I didn’t need to go to daycare as Young Lad was here, so I’ve spent two days lying on the sofa and doing very little.  I have had NO opportunity to act up as the over-flowing kitchen bin – which stinks – has been put outside each day and  all food is well out of my reach.  There are some golden chocolate coins in Lad’s room left over from his Christmas stocking, but I haven’t been able to get up there to them without Young Lad seeing me.

It really has been very frustrating and thank the Lord for my dear friend Ebony, who came to rescue me from the tedium yesterday to take me for a walk.  I was extremely upset on the way back from our walk to find that I wasn’t taken in to Ebony’s house – I tried my hardest to pull towards her front door but no!  I was dragged back to my own house.  This was very confusing because I ALWAYS  go into Ebony’s house and it’s been ages since I had a sleep in her bed.  Ebony looked quite relieved in all honesty as she is rather precious and territorial about her bed which I find highly irritating, but I was most upset.

At least yesterday we had some company in the form of Young Lad’s friend from up the road, who spent most of the day with us.  This friend makes a fuss of me which is rather nice, and the two of them tend to sit around eating lots of snacks, which is also rather nice.  Unfortunately they spent a large proportion of the day glued to the Xbox or TV, so much so that when She came home from work Young Lad’s eyes were completely square and his skin had a strange pale sheen.  This is an ailment known as Too Much Time on The Ruddy Xbox and Young Lad was banished from it forthwith.

Actually it had been quite hectic at times, with people knocking on the door.  The postman came with a recorded delivery, so Young Lad had to get off the Xbox and open the door to him, plus Lovelyneighbourontheright came round to check that we were both still alive.  Talk about busy.

I  rather feel that Young Lad is underrated as nobody said ‘well done’ for using his initiative in going to the BP petrol station to stock up on more snacks.  True, he could have taken me with him to stretch my legs but anyway – Young Lad even remembered to lock the front door!  Well done, Young Lad.

I haven’t seen a soul today, Readers, apart from Young Lad.  No friends came round, and if it wasn’t for the arrival of someone to give Young Lad a haircut this afternoon, we would have been completely abandoned here.  This really isn’t good enough and borders on Neglect.

He came home from work first today, and took me for a dusk walk down by the river.  There were lots of other dogs down there in the failing light; doubtless they had all been left alone all day by selfish working owners as well.  As usual when I’m with He, I behaved extremely well and didn’t roll in any cack, disappear off to the houses and recycling bags or snarl at any puppies.  I seem to only behave like this when She takes me out.  It’s fun.

So what of Lad I hear you ask.  Well, Lad has tried something new this week – a decision was made that Lad would try getting the train to school this term, rather than the extraordinarily late/slow/inefficient/unpleasant bus.  Poor Lad has been late to school for much of the last year due to this dreadful bus service, so a season ticket for the train has been purchased and Lad – who had misgivings about this – was persuaded that it would be ‘much more pleasant’.  On day one, Lad was miraculously up early and at the station well on time for the 7.26am train.  Marvellous – New Year, new start.

The 7.26am train was cancelled. The next train would not arrive until 8.15.  Thus Lad had to sit on the platform in the cold for fifty minutes and was still late for school. Yes indeed, this was ‘much more pleasant.’  Poor Lad.

Well, the bldyChristmasdecorations have been torn down and stuffed into a few boxes, which have been chucked back in the roof with a whiff of ‘that’s that for another year thank the Lord.’  As usual there has been little effort made to organise the decorations which means they will be hard to find in the boxes next December – though I have to say that I was impressed with the attempt to keep the lights tangle-free.  In an unusual show of foresight, each set of lights has been wrapped carefully around an empty Pringles tube in the hope that twelve months hence they will still be wrapped round the empty Pringles tube and easy to unravel.  I was far more interested in the Pringles tubes themselves which turned out not to be completely empty after all, but had the odd crumb of sour cream and chive.  I tidied these up.

Finally the Christmas tree was dragged outside – to be fair the non-drop Norwegian spruce has been as good as its word this year and even my attempts at looking in/behind/under/up the tree haven’t caused a shower of needles.  Not so dragging the tree across the carpet to the French windows; the needles lost the will to live and couldn’t hang on any more.  The carpet was plastered and as it has quite a coarse texture, I will be treading on trapped sharp needles for months.  So will Gingercat.  Nobody thinks about us in these things.

Last night I couldn’t get comfortable in my chair, Readers, and spent one minute twenty-six seconds scratching up the blanket, whining and barking at it.  I know how long it took as She recorded it and posted it on various Facebook pages and Instagram.  This is an appalling infringement of my privacy.  Yes it entertained people and lightened their day, but really it is so undignified.

Well hurrah it’s the weekend, which means I will have some decent company and several walks.  I’ve heard a whisper that I’ll be going to dear Ebony’s for daycare lots next week- bring it on, I say.

See you soon,

Russell