Rude Names

fox poo

Today, Readers, I have been called a lot of very bad names.  I feel this was unwarranted and unjustified.  All that happened is that while I was out on my lovely Sunday morning walk over the fields, I found a massive pile of fox poo that had diluted a lot in the incessant rain we’ve experienced and I rolled over and over and over in it.  It was glorious, Friends, and I took good care to rub lots of it under my ears and into my neck where it’s hard to wash off.

When She finally looked back and realised I wasn’t anywhere to be seen, there was some frantic blowing of the whistle, which I tactically ignored.   Eventually I had enough of the rolling and trotted over to my Pack Leader, to proudly show her the amount of muck on me.  Thus I was shouted at and called a rude name, and all the way home more rude names were thrown in my direction.  “Russell you are a total arse,” was one of them.  I ask you!   I was pulled away from nice clean dogs heading towards me, so that I didn’t contaminate their sparkly white fur and special humiliation was made of me when we bumped into Barney the Oh So Adorable Beagle who was, of course, as white as the snow. What a fuss over nothing.  Once home I was dragged upstairs and put into the bath, where Young Lad and She lathered me up with special Fox Poo shampoo and scrubbed hard.  Well, She did the scrubbing while Young Lad squeezed shampoo onto my back.

Then of course the bathroom had to be bleached to within an inch of its life and major disinfecting was the order of the day.  Oh the moaning.  To be frank, the bathroom was well overdue a good clean and She knows it.  It took an hour, in all, to bath me and then clean the bathroom and don’t we know it.

It’s not the first time I’ve been in trouble this week.  On Wednesday morning, everyone had left the house by 7.20am (Lad’s train leaves at 7.26 so you can see what a gamble this is each day) and dear, dear Pippa’s Pack Leader was coming to collect me at 7.45am.  This gave me a window of approximately twenty minutes.  It was enough.  Someone had inadvertently forgotten that I can open the cupboard where Gingercat’s food used to be stored, and this foolish soul had put a new box of cat food in there.  I soon had that out, and ripped it open – in the remaining 18 minutes, Friends, I managed to drag it into the lounge and eat NINE, yes, NINE sachets of cat food.  That is one heck of an achievement if I say so myself – those foil packets are not the easiest to open, you know!!  Mathematicians amongst you will have calculated that it took me 2 minutes per sachet.  Plus a little time for throwing all the ripped up foil sachets under the dining room table.

When Pippa’s Pack Leader Male came in to collect me, he was aghast at the mess and took photos on his phone as evidence, which I felt was uncalled-for.

Readers, I had the most appalling wind for the rest of the day.  By the evening, when my family returned home weary from their long days at work or school, I was not able to hold back and the house absolutely STANK.  Indeed, Lad and She walked round the entire house carefully, so sure were they that I had had a major accident somewhere.  I hadn’t.  I’m not that sort of dog.  But oh dear, did my stomach hurt and did the gas keep expelling….I was very tired all day at Pippa’s house and had no choice but to sleep a lot.  My stomach was distended for two whole days.

The following day, dear Ebony’s Pack Leader looked after me for the day and having heard of my bad behaviour with the cat food, took me out for a SIX MILE walk.  I know!  I could barely make it back, Readers, and was hardly able to stand by the end of it.  My stomach had deflated a little by the end of it, though.

Anyway, they can all stop complaining as I am clean and fluffy tonight so will be a pleasant bed-mate.

It has been a busy week here as usual – really, they fly by with this silly new Working Full Time regime.  Lad has been working hard and getting better marks and they went to his last ever Parents’ Evening on Wednesday – this was an unusually uplifting experience and was generally quite pleasant!  Well done, Lad.  Young Lad, too, has been achieving greater things at school – Regular Readers will remember his lofty ambitions for 50% in most things – but a latest Maths test produced 33 out of 43 marks.  Well done, Young Lad!  Yes, I have wondered about the strangeness of a Maths test that has 43 marks, and find this irksome.  Surely they could have popped another couple of questions in so that it was out of 45 instead of a silly prime number.

But it’s good to see my loved ones making a little progress. Even the culinary front has improved a little lately, with a full Sunday roast today (chicken, lovely) and home-made fruit scones for Sunday tea.  That said, the final load of washing for the weekend has still to find its way to the tumble dryer, the airing cupboard hasn’t been emptied and nobody’s school uniform is ironed and ready for tomorrow.  Apparently this is my fault for taking up an hour of precious time with the bathroom debacle.

My good friend Buddy the Bouncy Labrador has been a little under the weather recently and not quite as Bouncy as usual – on investigation from the Evil Vet it was found that he had a perforated stomach.  This is Very Bad, Readers, and poor Buddy had to have an operation.  He is back home now and very happy on a special diet of chicken for a little while – I feel I would like this diet too.  Anyway, I do hope Buddy is back to bouncing around at the river soon.

It’s Food Tech at school for Young Lad this week, and apparently it is Thai Green Chicken Curry week.  She had to pop to Tesco and purchase creamed coconut and chillies and the like – I’m not sure I’ll enjoy Thai Green Chicken Curry but am prepared to give it a go.  It might give me a final good clear out after all that cat food – I’ll let you know how I get on.

What an exhausting day, and the bathroom really did need a good clean, it was awful.

Bye for now,

Russell

Author: boredbeagle

Slightly stocky beagle who lives with a family. This is She, He, Lad and Young Lad. And Gingercat. Generally doesn't get enough attention and so writes this blog to let everyone know what his life is like. You need to start from page one (First Attempt).. Go on, it's worth the effort.

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