Evening, Friends! Have you missed me? I’ve got so much to tell you, I just don’t know where to start. I suggest you make yourselves a nice drink and curl up with me for the evening; I’ll try to finish before Silent Witness. I’ve had a cracking day being an absolute pain in the backside – this is payback for Going Away for the Weekend, followed by a Monday at Work! What the heck. This cavalier attitude towards me is obviously going to be met with some disappointment on my part, which I needed to express today. So I pulled open the food cupboard as soon as She and Young Lad had left for school/work and actually managed to fully rip off the ruddy Velcro this time. I knocked the Flea Spray onto the floor, and also my ear-cleaning lotion. Hate both of them. Then I pulled out a pet hairbrush. Moving up a shelf, I found the tin foil and dragged that into the study for something to do. There was a box of Ritz crackers at the back of this shelf – actually they were Sainsburys own Ritz- type crackers, as they’re too tight to pay for the Brand Name ones – so I pulled those down and was pleased to find they were open. Stale, but open. I finished them off, and put the box in the study next to the foil. Still bored, I went back and pulled off a strip of the cheap laminate stuff that covers the cupboard door. This is more fitting for the general slum-like appearance of this home.
And all this before Pippa’s Pack Leader came to collect me for daycare this morning. I was quite tired from my efforts.
Anyway, Readers, let’s go back a little. As you know, She spent the weekend at ParkyCenters with friends, and although we had an extra long walk on Friday before She left home, and a cuddle over lunch, I was pretty hacked off when I saw her putting the overnight bag in the car. So as soon as She had left on Friday afternoon, driving in blissful ignorance, I found her handbag and went through the contents. I distributed these evenly across the floor in the study and lounge – it looked quite pretty. As usual, there were a couple of old Tictacs and half a Polo stuck to the lining at the bottom of the bag, so I ate them even though they were covered in fluff. They were quite tricky to get off, so I had to do a lot of chewing through the lining and in fact ripped it into holes. In case you’re worrying, this is a Tesco handbag, not a Radley one. Then I dragged my box of dog food out of the “Velcro-secured” food cupboard and helped myself to a large mid-afternoon snack. We all paid for this later with some unfortunate flatulence. Grandma arrived later in the afternoon, and from then on I behaved impeccably. Though I did still smell quite ripe, and she found it hard getting into bed as I beat her to it, and she isn’t used to elbowing me out of the way and shouting, “Move!” like other people do. The weekend went quite smoothly after that, as I had plenty of attention and long walks. Lad was away at a party, so Young Lad, He and Grandma had some peace.
Look, this blog is meant to be about me, so if you’re not interested in how She got on at ParkyCenters, skip the next bit. I would do the same. Considering there was a Satnav in the car, She found it remarkably stressful finding ParkyCenters as She had not chosen the “quickest route” setting on Satnav, and discovered many, many pretty villages and B roads on the way there. (But then don’t you remember the Works Christmas Party, regular Readers? Her colleagues haven’t forgotten. And will never ask for a lift again.) In fact, this theme continued when She eventually found ParkyCenters but couldn’t negotiate her way out of the car park to the Lodge. It took several attempts and actually exiting ParkyCenters twice to come back in, before it was managed. This was very entertaining for the bored people manning the Arrivals Check in who had to keep waving her through. In fairness, it is a bldyridiculous car park and the signs are bldyuseless. Before night fell, though, the good old friend Gordon was unpacked and placed lovingly on the counter, ready for the evening. Kentgirl, whose birthday was being celebrated, and the 300 friends arrived and a pleasant evening of food, wine and laughter was had. Until Kentgirl reminded everyone about ten pin bowling having been booked for 10pm. I quite sympathise with them- wild horses wouldn’t drag me out for organised fun at that time of night.
Oh dear, Readers, the theme of being geographically
crap impaired carried on into the next day! Having said a firm, “NO!” to the offer of 10am clay pigeon shooting (even I’m struggling to see the point of that, and I’m a hunting dog) She, J’s Pack Leader and another, er, similar friend we’ll call Wancy set off nice and early to join the others for Geocaching. In the pouringbldyrain. Now. Wancy and J’s Pack Leader aren’t known for their sense of direction any more than She is. It took them 40 minutes to simply find the meeting point. They were all to blame, but had a lovely chat on the way round. The plan then was an hour of romping through the forest following clues and using some satnav type thing to show them the way. Yes. You’re thinking the same as me. Track record with satnavs isn’t good. And indeed it wasn’t, as this bldything “didn’t work properly”, but I suspect this is a euphemism for “sod this for game of soldiers, let’s go for coffee.” What a poor attitude – no resilience whatsoever. And yes it was pouring with rain, but so what? There was another example of this lethargic spirit in the afternoon, when Short Tennis was bypassed in favour of the spa, with J’s Pack Leader. All this nonsense about “J’s Pack Leader has had a Tough Time and needs to Relax” is a load of cobblers, Reader. They just couldn’t be arsed to run round a sports hall. I’m not sure they ought to be invited on one of these weekends again. Even Wancy managed some energetic swimming. Well, swimming. Oh dear God, the number of times I’ve heard about the lovelylittle muntjac deer that visited them outside their Lodge in the snow…..what do they expect? They were in a forest, for the love of God, and had thrown loads of bread out! I’d have given Bambi and the squirrels something to think about, if I’d been there. Anyway, Reader, She finally deigned to come home late Sunday afternoon. Good of her. The others all went home too, as luckily Wancy’s car keys that had been “lost” the moment they arrived, and had necessitated two days of emptying bags, turning furniture upside down and general hysteria, turned out to be in Wancy’s hoodie pocket.
I gave her a HUGE welcome, Readers, and did lots sliding along the hall floor. I had even, and this is touching, managed to time a bad onset of anal gland blockage with her return and stunk the house out. This wasn’t appreciated, of course. We did have a nice cuddle during that very fine actor James Norton’s appearance in McMafiaa,a nd all was well with the world. However, at 4.30 this morning my bottom was really playing up and I had to whine and grizzle to be let out in the garden. This went down well. Apparently one of the nice friends at ParkyCenters also has a beagle, and they spent much time comparing us. We both have anal gland issues and stink, but my behaviour is worse. Allegedly. Lad had been in charge of Cleaning yesterday, and had made a reasonable job of the hoovering, kitchen and bathroom. Young Lad and He were in charge of Laundry and School Uniforms. This went well, to an extent, though there has been some discussion about what sort of things you can and can’t put in a tumble dryer. The proof is in the pudding.
I have been scolded for my exploits with the tin foil, flea spray and Ritzish crackers today, but am now forgiven and am cuddled up, making shocking smells. Pippa’s house was fun today, but I’m exhausted now. In theory I might get a decent walk in the morning, but I’ll try to get up to something during the school drop. I’ll let you know what I think of.
Bye for now,