I Lost my Heart to a Starship Trooper

That Hits of the Seventies CD has a lot to answer for….our power walk today was conducted in time to Sarah Brightman and several other such wonders, as She sang them (thankfully) in her head. That is,  until the last stretch up the hill towards home, which is always done extremely fast as “pelvicfloor” not what it was due to “havingbldykids” apparently, and there’s a lot of yanking my lead with “notgoingtomakeit” muttered.

We made it, just.  In case you were wondering.  It was a close call.

By the way, any readers who have just joined, you will need to start from the beginning of my blogs, as none of this will make any sense at all.  It won’t take long to catch up, and is worth the effort.  Come on.

Carpet Cleaner Man arrived bright and early.  However, he managed to pull the sofa out further than She had done, and called her attention to some more cutlery, dried satsuma peelings and a lot of crumbs.  He then lectured her in correct sofa moving technique, (lift don’t drag, foot underneath to tip backwards and never mind if it falls and crushes your foot, at least you will have cleaned up ALL of the crap.)   His carpet cleaning machine was horribly noisy and scared Gingercat and I so much, we had to retire to the bedroom for a sleep until he’d gone.  He did a very good job of cleaning the carpets and sofa, though they are all now soaking wet.  He also pointed out a small amount of “fabricdamage” to the sofa, “probablycausedbyyourdog.”  As soon as he’d left, I walked round the study with muddy paws to show him what I thought.  Not keen on Carpet Cleaning Man.

After he’d gone, She had to ‘pop to town’, which means half an hour in Costalotta.  As usual, the baristas said hopefully, “anything else today?”  in the vain hope She might splash out on more than the cheapest possible coffee.  She didn’t.  Homeless guy wasn’t outside Sainsburys, and now She feels bad for not listening longer to him.

The walk was reasonably good – I chased my ball a few times to humour her, but really what is the point unless you wrap some meat around it?  There was a young golden retriever down there, who I could have SWORN was Pippa, but it wasn’t and I was disappointed.  Bastard Swan offspring were there, and looking much whiter than they did last week.  It won’t be long before they are launching themselves out of the river and attacking me.  Hate them.  Once home, I amused myself by emptying one of the recycling bags round the garden.  The garden looked a mess anyway, so it hasn’t been done any harm by some fish finger and potato waffle boxes ripped up and spat out everywhere.  (As you know, they rarely eat such convenience food.)

You’ll be very relieved to know that Lad made it to his revision workshop.  She drove him there, and picked him up from outside, to make sure he didn’t “get lost” on the way, via KFC.  She spent the two hours amusing herself in the big town nearby, which probably involved a cheese scone (She calls that splashing out) in John Lewis and wistfully looking at things She will never be able to afford.  Occasionally She reminds me that She had to give up her gym membership when they adopted me as There Wasn’t Enough Money for Both.  Actually, She reminds me of this a lot.  I think it’s a cause of some resentment.

Well, the sofa is now covered in a waterproof sheet (left over from when Lad and Young Lad weren’t very reliable at night) and several blankets.  It’s still soaking wet and this doesn’t bode well for a comfortable evening.  Gingercat and I may have to go back upstairs.  Tomorrow is likely to be a rubbish day as it’s Wednesday which means nobody gives a stuff about me.

Bye for now,

Russell

PS.  Those of you who are old, enough, have you got Starship Trooper going round your head now?

Important update! ! Firstly, someone from Germany has joined us! Guten abend! And secondly,  I’m going to doggy daycare tomorrow,  so will have a good day after all!  I’ll be far too tired to blog tomorrow,  so see you all on Thursday. 

Unloved

Rubbish day. She was called into work so I was left here ALL DAY. Without the kindness of Ebony’s dad and LovelyDor, who both let me out for a toilet break,  I wouldn’t have seen a soul all day.  Oh yes, it’s all very well leaving me with another guilt bone,  but some company might be nice.  Gingercat just sleeps. And, would you believe She had shut every door, removed the bins and blocked off the cupboard under the stairs with a stool. So all I threw a bag of potato peelings around as that was all I could find. 

Remorseful, She did rush home and drag me out for a walk in the  pitch dark.  I had to wear this ridiculous light up collar so I could be seen on the playing field, but I wasn’t the only one.  In fact there were loads of us out at  5. 30 pm,  wearing ridiculous light up collars and chasing ridiculous light up balls in the dark.  All the Working Owners stood around chatting, but really they need to be thinking about their lifestyle choices. 

Yesterday I ended up having a second walk and saw my friend Ebony. She is a Pointer, which puts her a few marks ahead of me in the prolonging-your-owners’ -life span results.  Her Pack Leader doesn’t appreciate this any more than mine does.  I rolled in some fox poo and Ebony dug to the centre of the Earth. We had a great time. 

Tonight  has been the same old dinner/homework/arguing scenario followed by some frantic furniture moving around.  Carpet cleaning man is coming tomorrow,  and She still hasn’t got over the horror of last time,  when he pulled  out  the sofa and asked her if she could possibly clean up before he started…..it was grim.  So all furniture has been pulled out and hoovered behind,  with a lot of huffing and puffing,  and yet again the bit behind the sofa was  shameful.  Yogurt lids, knife,  spoon,  3 biros, a tissue (used), 150 nerf gun bullets and a dice. She muttered something about whycouldnttherebesomethingusefullikeatenner and wasn’t best pleased. I enjoyed eating up the crumbs but She got the  used tissue away before I could get to it. 

Lad has something called a Nonpupil Day tomorrow.  He interprets this as a day to stay in bed and then play on the Xbox. She interprets it as a going to a revision workshop and tidying your room opportunity.  The discussion continues. 

I’ve got a fair bit of wind tonight,  which is the result of two guilt bones. As you gnaw/chew for an hour,  you take in lots of air,  and it has to come out somewhere. She doesn’t seem to have realised this.  With a bit of luck I might get some attention tomorrow, but don’t hold your breath. 

Did I see 2 views from America the other day? Howdy! ! Come back!  Tell your friends. 

BYE FOR NOW

Russell

 

 

It’s official!

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I knew it!  Beagles are good for your health!  It must be true;  it was in yesterday’s Torygraph. According to obviously highly accurate research,  owning a beagle increases a  human’s mortality by 35%. So She needs to quit the whingeing about how much work I make,  by accepting that “demanding ” dogs like me will make her live longer.  If she wants to. 

Well, much to everyone’s surprise she managed to drive to Sutton and back without thebloodysatnav. She says that the M25 in sheeting rain is much more bearable in the presence of Leo Sayer. I would think this is debatable. I had to make quite a fuss during the evening as She had a readymeal from sparks mean marks, as She was tootiredtocook. She knows quite well that I get to clean out the plastic tray of any ready meals.  Though they “practically never have them and  have wholesome home cooked food every day” She is shouting. I wasn’t happy to find the said plastic tray in the bin,  without being offered it first.  Normally I clean it completely so it can go into recycling,  which is my bit towards the environment. I had to stare at the bin and whine for AGES until She got the message.  It was ok,  but a 400 calorie Lite prawn linguine, and really I’d  have preferred the full on option.  So would She.

Her friend Gordon came to visit last night.  Seemed a lot bigger than usual and required extra ice.  This is due to “abitofaweek” apparently. 

Today is Sunday which meant a bit of a lie in.  (After breakfast and toilet at 6am). I heard some church bells ringing.  When Lad and Young Lad were younger they were dragged to Church occasionally,  but now on  Sundays Lad doesn’t get up till lunchtime and Young Lad plays on the xbox. She seems to worship at the altar of somewhere called Costalotta in town.  It’s where she goes to be reflective and pray. And “get away from everyone. ” She assuages her guilt about the price of an Americano in Costalotta by taking one to the homeless guy outside Sainsburys.  (I know for a fact she queues up in Greggs for his to save 50p.) Today the  homeless guy went into a lot of detail about his medical problem so She gave him an extra £2 and didn’t hang around. 

There will be an attempt at a family Sunday lunch in a bit,  which really just involves shouting about homework. Then Lad and He are going up the pub later to watch something called Wet Sham play football.  She and Young Lad are looking forward to this as it will be peaceful here. I’ve already had my walk; Nicedogwalkerlady said she likes my blog so I’ve told her to share it with everyone.  Incredibly there was yet Another Beagle in the far field today;  that’s 3 interlopers in the past two days!  Wonder if his pack leader has read the Torygraph article. But seriously, enough of all the beagles out there when I go out. Go somewhere else for your walk so that I get the attention. 

Mm the stuffing smells like it’s burning so here endeth today’s blog.  Tell your friends. 

See you,

Russell

 

 

 

The Gas Man Cometh

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It was quite a cold night, after no heating for 24 hours, but thankfully there was an extra blanket on the place- that- I- don’t sleep.  She was up bright and early, dressed and in full make up (you’d never know) by 8am, ready for the Gas Man.  I barked a lot at him as he looked dodgy, so was told to Shut Up and shoved into the lounge.

Anyway.  After showing Great Interest in his Gas Engineering Career thus far, nodding and smiling in the right places, and making a “really nice cuppa”, She has managed to get the excess for today’s call-out waived, and a Fantastic Deal involving 2yearsinterestfreecredit and a halfpriceboiler.  Needless to say, She is quite pleased with herself on her clever use of Tactics – some would call it flirting.

Today’s walk was great!  I was feeling a bit feisty – just one of those days – so I took on a large Alsatian first of all.  This was an error of judgement.   Then I barked shamelessly at a little girl who smiled at me.  Next I saw NiceDogWalkerLady and her three hundred dogs, most of whom were barking so I joined in.  My beagle bray is much louder and better than any of their barks.  NiceDogWalkerLady had the Rival Beagle with her – the one that is “oh so lovely, he’s so gentle and well-behaved, look how he leans against my legs” blardy blardy blah.  We moved on swiftly, and would you believe it, there was a THIRD beagle down there!  This really annoys me.  I like to be The Only Beagle In The Village when I go out.  I cheered up a bit when NiceTallLadywiththeStaffie stopped for a chat – she said  I was looking slimmer, which seems to be the main aim in life.  She (pack leader) seemed really proud of this; if She paid as much attention to her own physique, things would be a lot better.  “Power-walking” my arse.  Saw Lexie, who looked jealousy at my stick, so I didn’t hang around.

Well, readers, this is a short blog today as She is about to drive to the Marsden to visit J and take his pack leader out for SomethingToEat.  This will also involve SomethingToDrink, at least for J’s Pack Leader as 6 days in hospital drives you insane apparently.   She has packed treats (Pimms for Pack Leader and Tangfastics for J “ifhismotherletshimhavethem.” ) It will  be interesting to see how She gets on driving to Sutton; apparently He “hastakenthebloodySatnav” so She will be relying on Google Maps.  She only discovered those this week thanks to Colleague.  But will have no internet in the car, something She doesn’t appear to have considered.  She seems more excited about the £5 Hits of the  Seventies CD bought in Tesco this morning, for her to listen to on the long journey.

I know.  I’m thinking the same thing.

Bye for now,

Russell

 

 

 

 

Muzzled!!

Unbelievable.  Absolutely unbelievable.  Today She has been to ToysRPetsRVetsRUs or whatever it’s called, and bought a horrid black rubber muzzle.  This is so that She can administer ear drops down my sore ears without having her hand taken off.  Am I seriously expected to sit nicely while a long white thing is poked down my ear and stuff squirted into it?  No, I will try to take the hand off that person, and rightly so.  So now I have a muzzle. It was “ridiculously expensive” apparently and She could have saved herself the bother.  I tried not to laugh as she read the instructions for “familiarising your dog with the muzzle” – it seems I’m meant to happily walk round the house wearing the hideous thing, if she trains me properly.  Instead, she put some more out-of-date hummus in it (why doesn’t she just throw that away?) and as I stuck my head in to eat it, rugby tackled me to the ground, gripped the muzzle and stuck the thing in my ear.  This is not what the pictures in the  instruction booklet looked like.  It’s bad enough  being muzzled every time I see the Evil Vet, (because I try to take their hands off too), but when someone that’s supposed to love you does it, that’s rubbish.

In other ways, things are looking up.  The Guilt Bone has gone through my system and firmed things up a lot, which is good for my anal glands as they tend to empty with the extra pressure of  hard stuff passing through.

J in the Marsden, you still being sick?  Hope I’m helping with that side of things.  Sorry to hear you’re stuck there till Sunday now, but to cheer you up, I hear the Therapy Magicians are coming round tomorrow.

A decent walk today – found some unidentifiable brown stuff to roll in, but carefully waited until She was well ahead up the field.   She then had to run full pelt down the hill waving the long pink ball flinger thing at me and shouting.  V funny.  Bastard Swan Offspring were there, right at my favourite spot for going in for a drink.  Hate them.  Someone had thrown some bread out for the birds in the usual spot, so it was a race between her and me to see how much I could grab before She got the lead on me. I won.

Still a lot of arguing about the House Party going on.  Also something called Exam Revision Workshop which Lad doesn’t want to attend but is being told it’s not his decision.  He doesn’t seem to agree with this.  Loudly.

Rather cold in here today – The Boiler doesn’t appear to be working and there’s been a lot of stressed muttering about “deargod3grandforanewone.”  Not looking forward to this evening with no heating, and may need to cuddle up on the sofa for warmth.  British Gas Man coming tomorrow She says, “reallyisthattheirideaofurgent.”

I’ve been told off a lot today for barking.  I could see, out of the window, a very threatening 96 year old lady standing at the bus stop.  She looked like she meant trouble, So I went ballistic.  Not long afterward, a mother and toddler walked past our car in a sinister way so I let rip at them too.  Nobody appreciates what I do to protect this family.

Well it’s nearly my dinner time – only another hour to go, so I’ll start whining and making a fuss about it now.

See you soon,

Russell

 

 

Sad face and retching

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Evening all.  This is the sad face I put on every morning when they all go out.  I sit on the bottom stair and look clinically depressed as they leave.  (Seconds after they’ve gone, I’m going through the cupboards.)   Today’s sad face was, as you can see, particularly good.  It made no difference.  They still all went to work and school.

Last night was a bit of a corker.  I was in the middle of a lovely sleep (somewhere that She’s too  Ashamed to admit to)  when I felt a bit queasy.  I struggled on until 2.30 am, when I could hold it down no longer, and woke her with the most dramatic retching you can imagine.  It started as a low note, deep down in my stomach and built to a crescendo of GLP GLP GLP  BLEUGHHH.  You’ll be pleased to know I had the self-discipline to avoid the John Lewis not quite so white duvet, and made it down to the wooden floor in the hall.  I was proud of this.

All she had to clear up when she got downstairs was a hard piece of the Guilt Bone that she’d given me yesterday,  which hadn’t broken down very well.  I had cleared up everything else for her .  It was quite nice.  She wasn’t very sympathetic, it being 2.30 am, and chucked me in the garden for a while.

Anyway. Dull old day, saved only by Lovelyneighbourontheright who let me out mid morning, and Pippa’s Pack Leader who walked me again.  To be honest, if you haven’t got time to have a dog, don’t get one.  It’s not a difficult concept.

There was a conversation over dinner tonight (smokeroni cheese, don’t ask, but it was more successful than the risotto) that made me uncomfortable.  They were discussing what to do on Christmas Day, and apparently we are going to AD’s house for lunch.  Well.  THEY are, but AD has a huge monstrosity of a cat, let’s call him Nasty Git, who won’t allow me in the house.  So I have to be dumped elsewhere.  Anyway, Young Lad said he wanted me to go to AD’s house with them, as I always get my lipstick out when I see AD.  Much sniggering followed this.  I can’t help it – AD is a very pretty lady and it’s a perfectly normal reaction for a healthy male to find his lipstick has popped out in the presence of beauty.  I don’t see why they have to laugh.  And I’m NOT happy about being dumped elsewhere while they eat Christmas Dinner.

I managed to find a bin today that She hadn’t hidden away – downstairs loo.  She often forgets that one. Spent a while throwing the bits of paper and tumble drier fluff around, and was pleased to find a muffin wrapper at the bottom.  All She’d left me with this morning was my Kong, with a bit of chicken squashed down one end and mashed up with out-of-date hummus.

Quiet time last night involved more tedious revising and testing – this time something called Greenhouse Gases and and Global warming.  Was a bit annoyed when methane gas was mentioned, as apparently this is the result of animal emissions, and so there was lots of juvenile laughing that I produce enough methane to melt ice caps by myself.  They need to focus on what they’re doing, if you ask me.

So, tomorrow I will actually have  a decent walk as She is not at work, though is already muttering about gotsomuchtododon’tknowwheretostart.  There is a lot of “negotiating” going on here at the moment as Lad wants to go to something called a House Party next weekend, a long way away.  There is some doubt as to whether this is a Good Idea, and the discussion becomes a little Heated.  I feel this will rumble on for some time.  She is going  to the cinema with her good friend Loadsakids tomorrow night, as apparently it’s something called Children In Need tomorrow, and Loadsakids reckons it should be Mothers In Need instead.  There was a lot of guffawing at this, so they will go out and probably have Something to Drink.  They have been known to compare notes about their kids and dogs on these occasions.  Not kindly, I feel.

Lovely to hear from my counterpart in Australia – still a bit sad about the viewer from Spain who gave up after one night.  Don’t forget to tell your friends if you’re enjoying my blog – the more the merrier.

Bye for now,

Russell

Poor standards

Evening all, sorry this is late.  Wednesdays are rubbish because they’ve all left home by 7.45 am and nobody gets in til 5.30. Very wrapped up in themselves on a Wednesday.

Anyway.  This could be an interesting post as apparently you can blog and cook asparagus risotto at the same time.  She thinks.  I think we all know this isn’t going to end well. My prediction is burnt onion,  dried out rice and overcooked asparagus. It will go down as well as the Jamie Oliver steamed pudding;  if She’d stuck to fish fingers and chips like most working parents they would all be much happier.  She never learns.

What happened to my 2 Indian viewers? And random Spanish friend?  Come back!  Well done Australia, though,  for hanging on in there. Great staying power, the Aussies.

Hello to J in the Marsden again, hope you enjoyed Jolly Johnny and his guitar today.  We did warn you about enthusiastic music therapy entertainers. When Lad was in hospital the nurses used to tell them to piss off on his behalf.

Well, not much going on today.  At least She left me with a bone this morning (guilt issues). That kept me quiet for 4 minutes.  After that I had another look in the cupboard under the stairs; it is disgusting.  I cannot believe any of you have a cupboard that looks like it.  Ironing board,  hoover, tool box (rarely used) torches that don’t work,  batteries that don’t work, Christmas scented tea lights from 4 years ago, tins of paint (dried up), 3 irons, a yoga mat (wtf? ) , weedkiller (ooh that’s a safe place to keep poison) and 3 million carrier bags. There was also a quality  street tub with various screws,  nails,  hot water bottle cap, curtain hooks and key tags;  for something to do, I chucked this on the floor so it went everywhere.  Frankly it might encourage them to CLEAROUTTHATPIGSTYOFACUPBOARD.

After that,  Ebony’s pack leader from 3 doors down came to let me out for a wee.  I didn’t want to go and made it clear that I was comfortable in my chair. She forced the issue.

Then a bit later,  Pippa’s pack leader took me out for a walk.  It’s nice that someone cares about me on a Wednesday, as clearly my family don’t.

Tonight’s excitement will be trying to get into the dishwasher when they load it with the barely touched asparagus risotto plates.  I don’t care if it’s a bit dried up. Last night He shouted at me when I stood on the dishwasher door trying to lick the plates.  He rarely shouts at me,  and so I usually behave much better for him.

Now then,  2 of you clever things have found a way to ‘follow ‘ me so that you get a message every time I update.  This will reduce the immense disappointment caused by hopefully looking for my next page,  only to find She’s been “Too bloody busy”. She, of course,  doesn’t have a Scooby how you all go about it.  So she asked her close friend Chelseagirl , who says you click on the link and there’s an option to receive messages when I update.  Good luck with that. Chelseagirl may be talking crap,  of course.

Well the risotto looks awful.  One word, stodge.

But She’s in quite a good mood because “The Apprentice ” is on tonight.  She and Lad watch this together, shouting rude,  highly critical things and laughing. She also texts Colleague to do the same thing over the phone, and Her Mother. So you see,  She can multi task when necessary and could have done a much better job with the risotto.

I shall sign off now as apparently Lad and Young Lad are “STARVING” (this seems to be a permanent state and I know how they feel. )

Bye for now,

Russell

 

 

 

Birdseed

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Whoa!!   It worked!!  What the heck!  People have read my blog!  She is looking as self-satisfied as the time She bought her first North Face jacket (reduced outlet store) to replace her Tesco jacket.  I chewed holes in the NF one so She didn’t look self-satisfied for long.

But anyway, my blog works!!  G’day to the Aussie relatives, who I knew would be big fans, and Hola to the one person in Spain who viewed it. Random.  And 2 from India!  I wonder what they were searching for to come across boredbeagle.  Well. Thank you for reading.  Please tell your friends.

Special shout out to my young friend J in the Marsden.  Sorry to hear about the Incident in The Night Time last night, and I do hope your Pack Leader gets it together soon.  They are an embarrassment at times. Some dogs are used in hospital as Therapy Dogs, but I don’t think I’d be let in on hygiene grounds.

So, it was an exhausting day yesterday what with the power walk and setting up a blog.  I managed to stagger out of my armchair when She went off for school pick up, however, to find a couple of spearmint polos in the bedroom and a tissue in Lad’s bin.  By the way, the pack of silicon earplugs haven’t come through whole yet, but I’m wondering if I’ve had some particularly strong gastric acid going on that’s broken them down.  It could explain the smells.

She seemed a bit disorganised at teatime and started to make a Jamie Oliver roly poly with some vegetable suet She found at the back of the cupboard – I suspect out of date.  It was a shame She only started this at 5.30 and then discovered it takes 2 hours to steam.  Nobody liked it much anyway.  I think it was the stress of setting up the blog that distracted her.  Hopefully better service will resume tonight.  Tin of peaches and a yogurt.

After dinner last night it was the usual Quiet Hour.  This involves a lot of argybargy about something called homework haveyougotanynoihaven’tcheckyourbagihavecheckedmybagyoumusthavesomethingit’syear11forgod’ssake.

Eventually they all settled down and I slept while She tested Lad on Irreversible Reactions.  It was dull. Then She and Young Lad read about Alex Rider.  That seemed quite dull too.  He read the paper and did the crossword.

This morning She was more stressed than usual as She had to stand outside the Dr surgery for 20 minutes before it opened to get an appointment for Lad.  Lad has health issues which I suspect are an excuse to get out of PE.  There was a lot of moaning about stupidruddytelephonebookingsystem which is why She left early to stand in the cold.  I think the Dr is a bit like the Evil Vet, but there is never a problem getting an appointment at the Evil Vet to have my anal glands squeezed, bastards.  (Though She does have to check it’s not a Pregnant Vet on duty as it’s not nice for Pregnant Vets to squeeze anal glands.)  And I can tell you it’s not great for me either.

While She droveroundlikeabluearsedfly delivering Lad and Young Lad to schools, I had a look in the cupboard under the stairs.  Found a packet of bird seed and chucked it on the lounge floor for good measure.  Didn’t bother opening it though so She should be grateful.

Our walk today was only 2 miles as She hasn’tgottimefor3milesandwriteablogandgettowork  so I did one of my favourite tricks – waited till she was half a mile ahead, then did a poo, so She had to stomp all the way back to me with the poo bags.  This is good for her Exercise Quotient and doesn’t require all the tutting.  It was a nice walk – the Bastard Swans weren’t there today, only their offspring who are still grey, but She says will turn white soon and become Bastard Swans like their parents.  We have a strong mutual dislike of each other.  Saw my mate Lexie down there and a new chocolate lab puppy that wanted me to play, but I don’t do that.  There is no point if there is no food involved.

Despite the fields being a bit muddy I’m still very white and clean.  Lad bathed me on Sunday, and he does a lovely job of it.  He takes time and care, and doesn’t shout LOOK AT THE STATE OF YOU like She does.

Apparently She has to go to work now.  How selfish.  So I will pretend to be asleep in my chair, but plan what I’m going to do in the next 4 hours……She may think She’s covered all bases by putting the bin out and shutting bedroom doors, but I usually find something to do.  Dognextdoor has the radio left on for him when his family go out, but oh no, not me. GingerCat and I have no comforting voices.

Can’t believe anyone’s reading this; who would have thought it!  Oh well. She says GodKnowsWeAllNeedABitofALaughSometimes so maybe it’ll brighten someone’s day.  Tell your friends.  

Bye for now

Russell

 

First attempt!

Excellent.  Decomposing mouse on the drive this morning, and a pile of Weekend Vomit by a lampost.  I didn’t get quite near enough the latter, but I did have a chew of the former.

Well, bowing to HUGE public demand, I’m attempting a blog.  I don’t quite see why my FB updates weren’t enough, but apparently we’re “having a go.”  Don’t hold your breath, friends – She is useless at this sort of thing.  Fully expect it to be an epic fail.

For any new friends, here is what you need to know.  I’m Russell, I’m 4 and a half, which surprises many people by the river as they think I’m an old dog.  This is due to my weight and lack of interest in puppies.  I live with She (pack leader, or so She thinks), He, Lad and Young Lad.  They are not a normal family.  It worries me at times.

Here are the good things about me:

I’m very affectionate.  Especially if you are holding a piece of food.

Er.  That’s it.

Here are some other facts about me.  I roll in fox poo,  cow pats, decomposing rats and fish by the river,  and anything else truly vile. (I have occasionally  excelled myself by finding human excrement in the bushes.)  I fart a lot and have trouble with my anal glands.  I snore loudly.  I steal food.  I raid bins. I eat things from the bathroom waste bin that you wouldn’t think could be eaten.   I bark at :

people with dark skin

people in wheelchairs

old people

Large Neighbour over the back (I’ve really got a problem with him)

She says I’m the most un-PC dog ever, but I’ve no idea what she’s on about.  She also says I have a weight problem, but frankly that’s a bit rich.

I don’t like being left on my own when they all go to school/work.  She tried working full time recently for a few weeks – that REALLY pissed me off.  No amount of dogwalking (thanks Pippa’s Pack Leader and Ebony’s Pack Leader) made up for it.  So I had to show Her.  I emptied bins, I ate a whole chocolate birthday cake, (Ha! £300 vet bill), I threw potato peelings all over the lounge floor.  But She still didn’t get the message, so I had to escape through the back fence (Large Neighbour’s garden, I barked a lot) and run round the estate and over the rec, with Builder and Retired Neighbours chasing me.  By the time She got a phone call and came back from work (muttering that she was in the middle of Something Important ), I had come home and was back in my armchair.  She then had to run round the estate to find the Builder and Retired Neighbours and let them know I was back/thankyouverymuch/bloodydog.

Anwyay, it worked because she’s now part time again, and I just ignore the moaning about needthemoney.

It’s a strange house to live in.  She seems to swear a lot these days, often at me, and has a friend called Gordon who often has an ice cube and slice of lemon with him.  They all seem to argue a lot, and speak in code; “xbox/COD/GCSEs/getoffyourbloodyphone” seem to feature a lot in these arguments.  I do love them all, but sometimes I do wonder about them.  She bought a new duvet cover recently from somewhere called John Lewis – she seemed very smug and middle England about this, even though I know it was in the sale – but I could have TOLD her what a stupid decision that was!  Yes, white looks nice the first time you make the bed, but if my glands leak a bit and it’s been raining outside, it’s not going to stay white, is it?  It’s no good shouting at me.

She also says I’m a disappointment because she can’t go running with me.  We’ve tried it a few times but it just doesn’t work as She’ll be up one end of the river waiting for me while I’m rolling in fox poo.  Anyway, I’m saving her from a lot of indignity – some people just aren’t built for running, and She’s one of them.  So we “power walk” (don’t make me laugh) for 3 miles up the fields.

To thank her for this morning’s “power walk” I’m now letting off some particularly fresh smells.  The house did smell of cleaning spray earlier, but this is much better.

Anyway.  I really can’t see that this blog thing will work – She could just about cope with FB though often failed to upload photos in the same post as the text, but this really will be a step too far.  So if you are managing to read this, well done.  Please share it with anyone else who might be vaguely interested.  I realise that will be a small pool of people.

Bye for now,

Russell

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