A Thing Of Beauty

Just look at me, Readers. What an exquisite creature I am – really, it’s quite breath-taking. This stylised, arty photograph of me was taken by New Buddy The Younger and yes, a photo by someone not even in their teens is far superior to the standard of pictures She ever produces. It just takes a little thought and imagination of which my Pack Leader has very little. Well done New Buddy The Younger. I love my picture.

You would think this photo was taken somewhere exotic, or maybe Kew Gardens, but it was in fact outside Costalotta on a retail park. This particular branch of Costalotta is special in many ways, not least of which is the rainforest style vegetation around it. I had a lovely time there, whining and stamping my feet while people drank Americanos and ate Biscotti. I love a Biscotti, I do. Or anything, in fact. I seem to spend more and more of my life these days sitting outside cafes, where I have no choice but to whinge and grizzle until someone gives me a treat. It is a pleasant way to spend time, Readers, I can’t complain.

Going back to the quality of photography – just look at this one. Abysmal, isn’t it?

Seriously! It’s out of focus and looks like someone had been with their friend Gordon for a long time. This picture is evidence, allegedly, of my bad behaviour tonight. When She got home from work – yes, yes a long day at work , blah blah blah- the state of the back garden was vexing. The kitchen bin (which was rather full) had been hastily dumped on top of the table on the patio before leaving for work at silly o’clock this morning, in order that I couldn’t empty it and trash the place. Friends, I was bored when I came back from Doggy Daycare, so I knocked the bin off the table, tipped the entire contents out and dragged it all over the garden. I ate a huge amount of what was in there. Even the stuff that wasn’t edible. Some of it was disgusting, frankly, but I ate it anyway. I can’t really remember all of it, but I know there were several eggshells, tea bags (yes, they SHOULD have been in the food recycling bin, you are right, Readers!) a smoothie that Young Lad made for Food Tech that didn’t go very well as the mango wasn’t ripe, and about three hundred cat food sachets.

I was shouted at and there was a lot of moaning. This continued with a stomp round the garden to pick up my comfort breaks in the little black bags this evening – yes, there were a lot of them! It’s not my fault! Clear up more often, I say. It’s not a difficult concept.

It’s not like I’d had an easy day, Friends. There I was, happily trashing the bin and eating loads of crap, when I was dragged off to The Evil Vet. Regular Readers will know that I HATE going to the Evil Vet and do my best to stay in the car. I back myself into a corner of the boot and refuse to come out. She has to use a lot of force to remove me from the car and tells me I’m pathetic. So there we were, back at The Evil Vet’s yet again to have my anal glands emptied as I stink. This is an unpleasant procedure that involves The Evil Vet poking his or her fingers up my nether regions and squeezing hard. It hurts, Readers. And the smell I produce is like nothing else this world has ever known. So I stunk out The Evil Vet’s room, and also our car on the way home as there was still some leakage. Serves them right.

But it wasn’t just my anal glands that needed looking at tonight. I have sore toenails again, Friends, and have been licking at my front paws for some time which gets on everyone’s nerves – never mind the fact that my poor toenails hurt. So The Evil Vet had to cut my nails (helped by a very nice Veterinary Nurse) and I was incredibly good and made no fuss at all. Obviously I had a muzzle on, as She told them as soon as we got there that I Can’t Be Trusted and Have Been Known To Bite. So as fast as you could say ‘oily fish’ I was back in the waiting room with shorter toenails that don’t hurt, and a leaking backside.

Now , The Evil Vet was actually very kind and said that I need my toenails trimmed every month for a while. Yes!! I’m having a monthly pedicure. There was one heck of a lot of grumbling about this, with, “I can’t afford to get MY nails done every four weeks!” etc etc etc. Give me strength.

I had a splendid day out recently, Friends, as I went to my first ever gig. I know! Get me. We went to a bike show – it was my first ever bike show too, as it happens – and there was a rock band playing. I sat nicely and listened to the band – they can hold a tune quite well, I thought – though I did keep well back from the speakers as it was heavy rock and rather loud. It was pleasant enough, but I was far more interested in the German sausage stall nearby. Goodness me, the smell of bratwurst made my mouth water and I dived under the picnic tables to grab any bits on the floor. Then She went off to get a samosa from the samosa stall, and I barked and became a little agitated until I was given a crumb of filo pastry to shut me up. New Buddy wanted something from the pie stall, so She and I wandered off and bought him a venison pie – I employed my usual irritating barking and whining technique until I was given morsel of shortcrust pastry from the venison pie. I preferred this to the samosa filo pastry, for obvious reasons. Meat. It was a marvellous day out, with a vast range of food stalls to walk past, and on the way back to the car at the end of the day I put my nose down and hoovered up the entire showground.

I’ve been at dear, dear Ebony’s for daycare a lot recently, as dear, dear Pippa has been away in the Lake District. In a change to routine, though, I have also been going to New Buddy’s house for daycare sometimes and this has been marvellous too, as he expects nothing of me and I can lie on his sofa in the sun ALL day. I was told off last time I was there for daycare though – I decided to stand on the back of the sofa and bark loudly and repetitively for no apparent reason, just as New Buddy was on an important conference call or some such nonsense. New Buddy came in and went all alpha male on me, and made me get off the sofa. We had a little stand -off, which I feel I won. I don’t often fall out with New Buddy, but he was pushing his luck that day.

And what of Lad and Young Lad, I hear you cry? Lad is still at university – yes! He hasn’t been home to cook toasted cheese sandwiches in the middle of the night for ages! It was Lad’s birthday last week, so we sent him a Breville sandwich toaster and a smoothie maker. We do like a useful present in my family. Who needs glamour. Lad celebrated his birthday by going to another festival with his friends, as he hasn’t been to many recently. Oh wait, yes he has. But the good news is that the shower in the shxxxy student house has been fixed so Lad no longer has to go up to Nana aged 90’s house for a shower. Well done Lad.

Young Lad is busy – er – mostly watching Top Gear and Cobra Kai, but occasionally doing some school work too. His Food Tech practical last week was excellent, I have to say, with smoked salmon, king prawns, horseradish creme and green leaves as a starter. Really, it was marvellous. Well done, Young Lad. Let’s try some more meat cookery soon.

It’s been a busy couple of weeks here, and it really does tire me out. Gingercat continues to drive us mad by yowling every five minutes as he forgets he’s been fed, and other than sniffing his backside when he walks past me, I do find Gingercat a trifle wearing. Especially when he gets into my bed.

Golly, Readers, I’ve made a fair old effort with my blog tonight and am ready for a sleep. It’s nearly October and I’m glad to say the heating was put on last night as I’ve been a little chilly in my armchair of an evening. Nobody ever thinks about my welfare in this house.

Take care, Friends.

See you soon,


Author: boredbeagle

Slightly stocky beagle who lives with a family. This is She, He, Lad and Young Lad. And Gingercat. Generally doesn't get enough attention and so writes this blog to let everyone know what his life is like. You need to start from page one (First Attempt).. Go on, it's worth the effort.

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