It really annoys me, Readers, when people conspire against me and this happened quite recently. I came home from doggy daycare at dear, dear Pippa’s house and Pippa’s Pack Leader decided to give me dinner – however in the past this has been problematic as I pretend I haven’t had any dinner, and then my Pack Leader feeds me again when She gets home from work. So a cunning plan was hatched, and Pippa’s Pack Leader wrote a note saying “Russell has been fed.” When my Pack Leader came home I started barking and whining in my usual way, and prancing around in the kitchen making it very clear that it was past my dinner time, but Pack Leader showed me the note that said I had already been fed. She even pointed to each word individually to help me read it. I was incredibly annoyed by this subterfuge.
It is great fun when I pretend I haven’t already been fed and this happened again this very morning. New Buddy and I got up very early for a comfort break and an early coffee, and I had my breakfast. Pack Leader slept throughout this and so when She finally woke up and took me downstairs I pretended I hadn’t had my breakfast and thus received a second one. Pack Leader was cross with me when She found out New Buddy had already fed me and said I was dishonest and devious. I couldn’t give a stuff.
Friends, it has been a month since my last blog and this is very poor. When I first started my blog – back in the halcyon days – I used to post an entry every few days. This has deteriorated over the years to one a week, and now a paltry one every few weeks. Such is the level of neglect and lack of time that my own family have for me – I do apologise, as I know for many of you my blog is one of life’s pleasures, and for the relatives in Australia it keeps them up to date with things that are going on, which cuts down on the need for emails. Life has been very busy and stressful round here with all the medical goings on that come with Young Lad, and frankly I get a bit fed up with it. I’m very glad to get to dear Ebony and Pippa’s for daycare during the week, and New Buddy’s house for some of the weekend as I am looked after properly in these places.
To add to the chaos at home, Lad is returning from university tonight. Yes, I know that Lad has been popping back ever since he went to university but he really has finished for the year and will be back later on. This is very exciting for me. Even more exciting is that the small bedroom is piled high with all his stuff, and there are many things in boxes and carrier bags that I would like to eat as soon as someone doesn’t shut the door and I can get in there. We all know that this is inevitable. I’ve got my eyes on the large packets of protein milkshake powder mix stuff – I’ve tried this once before. It was very nice;strawberry flavoured steroids. Sadly poor Lad didn’t appear to have a suitcase for packing all his worldly possessions into and nobody thought to take him one, so poor Lad has had to cram hundreds of carrier bags full of clothes, bedding, chargers and leads and all sorts of other things. Importantly, all Lad’s heavy weights are up there ready for him to resume workouts when he gets back – this could be tricky as he forgot to put the barbell into the car, which is the big pole that you put the weights on. Something of a schoolboy error this, I feel.
I know what you are thinking, Friends. If all of Lad’s stuff from university is back home, how come Lad himself isn’t? Well, there was an important party on the last night of term but Lad had to be out of his accommodation in the afternoon, so he had a very good idea and suggested that She drove all the way down there, packed up the car with his stuff, stayed overnight, hung around half the day today waiting for him to wake/sober up and then bring him home. Readers, the repsonse to this was cool and rather blunt. And so it is that Lad’s stuff was collected yesterday and thrown into the small bedroom, whilst Lad himself is wending his way homewards by train. Poor Lad. Possibly he has had to carry a long, very heavy barbell all the way on the train as well. Lad has quite a difficult life and nobody gives him much sympathy. I can identify with this.
Young Lad at the moment is shouting on the Xbox which is known in this house as ‘ a good sign’. He has been eating very well lately – last week he had steak twice, a full roast chicken dinner and a massive Margherita pizza with a side of chips at a restaurant. Nobody feeds me like this.
I had to laugh today, Readers. There is an attempt to make our garden look nicer and to create a bigger, sunny area for my garden sofa by moving the shed – obviously nobody here has a clue how to move a shed, so Man With A Van is coming to help tomorrow. I’m looking forward to this, as when Man With A Van came round to look at the job last week, he ended up lying on the grass with me tickling my belly. He was only here ten minutes, but such was my effect on him. Anyway, I digress. Today the shed had to be emptied in readiness – Friends, I have never seen such a fuss. Now, Regular Readers will know that a family of tarantulas live in the shed but tarantulas or not, everything needed to come out today. Well! The fuss! Deckchairs and sunloungers were flung onto the lawn with shrieks, and as for the tent that has been stuck in a very spidery corner for years …. every item was chucked out unceremoniously so that the arachnids would fall off with the force of hitting the lawn. There was one particularly big brute. This monster started a speedy bid for freedom across the grass, but quick as a flash, Gingercat was on him!! Remember my recent blog, where Gingercat arrested Action Man? Gingercat is not to be underestimated! Well, Gingercat hit the spider with his paw and then proceeded to play with it, knocking it around the lawn and pouncing. Still the damned thing kept trying to run away. Eventually Gingercat bored of this and wandered off, but there was No Way On Earth that the large tarantula was going to be allowed to roam the garden as it would clearly make its way up the drainpipe and in through a bedroom window to Take Revenge. As I write, Friends, the large spider is sitting underneath a glass on the lawn.
This is not only cruel to the spider who hasn’t got much room to run around, but all the local birds now have headaches as they have spotted the spider from far above, dive-bombed down to catch it, only to bang their beaks against the glass. This has puzzled two sparrows and a large blackbird this afternoon, all of whom kept dancing around pecking hard at the glass and wondering why they still hadn’t caught the spider. New Buddy and She found this very entertaining as they sat on the garden sofa drinking coffee after the trauma of emptying the shed. (It was mostly traumatic for She – the language! New Buddy mostly laughed and videoed proceedings.)
I went for a walk into town this afternoon, talking of coffee, and we ended up at my favourite cafe. Here the owner is a very kind man, who once brought me out a tray of roast beef and ham – this was quite a few months ago, and to be honest a repeat performance has been overdue for a while. So we reminded him about it, and sure enough he appeared with a foil container of roast meat offcuts. I grabbed them like a demented wolf and stuffed them with the most atrocious lack of finesse. As if I care. They were lovely.
I do like going to cafes. I do it a lot these days.
One thing I did draw the line at, however, today . New Buddy has a new car and whilst I feel I was born to ride around in Range Rover luxury, I can’t get into the damned thing as it’s absolutely huge and miles off the ground. So New Buddy went to PetsRVetsRToysRUs or whatever it’s called and bought a fold up ramp. He unfolded this and place it by the boot of the enormous car, and together New Buddy and She tried to encourage me to walk up the ramp. However it was still a ridiuculously steep incline as the car was on our drive, and I refused. I will NOT be a circus animal performing for people’s entertainment Friends, and no amount of cajoling or run-ups was going to persuade me to climb a stupidly steep plastic slope. No. I have some dignity.
The idea had to be abandoned and they will try again, allegedly, when the car is on a flatter surface. Good luck with that.
I’ve eaten more silicon ear plugs, since my last blog, Readers. I found She’s toiletry bag in her bedroom, opened it and carefully selected the new packet of pink silicon earplug, bought to replace the last packet I ate. I ripped open the packaging, crunched through the plastic box, and ate every single silicon earplug. They went through me whole and appeared on the lawn the next day.
I have also opened kitchen cupboards, eaten the contents of the bathroom bin and thrown the recyling round the garden. But these are simply things to pass the time. I never feel the need to behave like this at anyone else’s house, which is strange and puzzling. The only thing I do at New Buddy’s house is spend hours in the garden gnawing on the bones he kindly buys me. Then I dg up his garden to bury them, and fart all night from the excessive air I’ve swallowed whilst gnawing. I feel I am an excellent house guest.
Oh dear. I just heard Young Lad say a bad word on the Xbox. Fifa 21 can be a very vexing game at times. Poor Young Lad.
Well, Readers, I need an early night as I have the double excitement of Lad coming home – I’m sure there was a Bible story about a hungover teenager returning from university and how lovely it was for everyone – and then Man With A Van coming round tomorrow! Hopefully he will rub my belly and share some cake with me during his coffee break.
Take care, Friends.
See you soon,