Molton Brown

Readers, I know it isn’t long since my last blog entry but I have had such a busy Easter weekend that I feel obliged to tell you all about it, plus I’ve been pressurised by some quarters to crack on with an update. I really am quite exhausted by all the activity of the last few days but I am nothing if not obedient (these days) and so I will dig deep and fill you in.

It would be rude and ignorant of me to simply write about myself, though, so I will begin by wishing you all a belated Happy Easter, and I do hope you had a lovely time sitting outdoors with your friends and loved ones after all these months of Lockdown. There has been an air of optimism and general bonhomie that even I have sensed.

But now back to me.

On Good Friday we went to visit Nana aged 90 and this was very exciting a) because I could sleep for two hours in the car each way and b) Nana aged 90 isn’t a big fan of mine and it’s always fun to try to ingratiate myself with her. I was very good in the car, and didn’t even complain about Young Lad’s music which played most of the way – it really was shockingly awful gangsta rap type stuff and She kept moaning about all the swear words and tried to put Magic FM on instead. To be honest Magic FM was just as dreary as the gansta rap music and so I just slept throughout. We pulled off at the services right at the end of the journey, where there are nice clean toilets and an M&S food outlet – Young Lad and I stayed in the car whilst She joined the queue to get in, crossing her legs as the queue was quite long and the need for the clean toilet facilities was quite acute. With moments to spare, She made it through the door – I had hoped my Pack Leader might treat me to a nice snack from M&S as Young Lad had been bought a large bag of Maom Joystix sweets for the road trip, and She had a coffee from M&S but of course, nothing was bought for me. It gets worse, Friends, as when we arrived at Nana aged 90’s – knowing full well we would be out for the entire day – it transpired that my Pack Leader had failed to bring any of my dinner with us. What on earth was I going to eat at dinner time? I was aghast – just what level of shoddy care is this? Really, it was very disappointing.

To be fair it was lovely to see Nana aged 90 after all this time. It is nearly six months since we saw her, due to Coronavirus and Lockdown, and I’m sure she was ever so pleased to see me. I ran straight into the kitchen and tried to eat the cat food as usual, but apart from that I was impeccably behaved. Then The Cousins all turned up and we all sat in the garden in warm sunshine, until it was time to go down the road for Fish and Chips. This is a family tradition on Good Friday, and one that I enjoy very much. Everyone ate their fish and chips in the warm sunshine in the garden, and because my Pack Leader had failed to bring any dinner for me, I had no choice but to sit and beg chips from everyone. They all felt very sorry for me, understandably, and so I was in luck on the chip front. Then I went for a lovely walk with The Cousins and two spaniels called Jarvis (he’s a cocker) and Hunter. We all socially distanced very nicely.

I finally had my proper dinner that evening, after the long drive home. Readers, this is not acceptable and I made my feelings clear.

The next day was Saturday and much to my delight, I was put back in the car with the big overnight bag which usually means we’re going to stay at my New Buddy’s house. This was excellent news, as it’s only a short car journey and then I am with people who love and understand me. My New Buddy had been shopping with New Buddy The Younger and they had spent a splendid hour in Pets At Home, buying me all the things I could possibly need and several things I don’t really need but are treats and, let’s face it, I’m worth it. So now I have my own new bed, food and water bowls, poo bags and treats at New Buddy’s house and in all honesty, She would do well to observe the level of attention and care shown to me. New Buddy wouldn’t take me out for the day and forget to take any dinner for me. Oh no, Friends. In fact New Buddy took me to Greggs and bought me my very own sausage roll over the weekend. Can you see the difference in standards of dog management? Yes, so can I.

So as soon as we arrived – well, after I had cocked my leg in several places in the garden and hoovered up the kitchen floor – I was taken for a cracking walk across some fields near the town. There was some attempt at throwing my tennis ball with the pink ball flinger thingy, and after an initial poor show, I did remember that I only get a treat if I bring the tennis ball back. It took a while and She said something like “sheesh it’s like being at work” which I didn’t fully understand, but eventually the penny dropped and I knew what to do. All this chasing a tennis ball around was quite tiring so I was glad when it was deemed coffee time and we trotted to the cafe in town. New Buddy The Younger held my lead most of the time and I liked this, as he doesn’t moan at me to hurry up all the time, like She does.

Now, I want you to see the result of all these long walks and ball chasing. If I may say so myself, I think I am looking magnificent at the moment – people have commented on my waistline in a favourable way and really, I’m in wonderful shape.

She said rather curtly that it’s just a deceptive camera angle, but Friends, have you ever seen me look this lean? I’m in my prime, I feel.

The weekend just got better and better from then – in the afternoon I was put back in the car yet again and driven to visit some friends. They have a large house in the country with dogs and horses and a lot of grounds. The dogs are actually the size of small horses, but we got on very well and I didn’t try to fight them and they didn’t try to mount me, so all was well. The Pack Leaders all sat around outside for nigh on four hours chatting and drinking, and eating cake, so I busied myself wandering around the grounds and finding interesting things to eat in the bushes – more of this in a moment. Occasionally I did bray in my best Beagle bray at the horses in the field as I felt they were about to attack, and they needed to know who was in charge. There were pheasants flying around, owls… you name it. I was bored rigid by all the talking and drinking, but had a lovely time with so many different country smells. Everyone said I’d been very well-behaved.

Unfortunately, Friends, it turned out that one of the things I’d eaten in the bushes was decaying and possibly quite poisonous, as during the night I vomited over my own legs on my new bed. I was too tired to do anything about it, so when Pack Leader and New Buddy finally got up, they were perplexed as to what the greenish stuff over my legs and new bed was. Then I went out in the garden and had a lot of difficulty with my comfort breaks – I produced several very large cow pats of unpleasant loose texture all over the lawn, and had to scoot my bottom along quite a bit. These comfort breaks were a ‘complete nightmare’ to clean up, but it wasn’t really my fault.

As I was covered in my own vomit, I needed a bath. Pack Leader had failed to pack my dog shampoo and as it was Easter Sunday – I do have interesting timing when these things happen – no shops were open. New Buddy and Pack Leader had no choice but to bathe me in She’s last dribble of Molton Brown Davana Blossom shower gel, which is her all-time favourite, very hard to get hold of these days and FAR too expensive to waste on a vomitty dog blah blah blah…. and so it was that I had a Molton Brown £15 a bottle bath. I smell absolutely divine and my coat positively gleams.

The laugh was that after my bath we went to the coast for a lovely long Easter Sunday walk along the beach. Obviously this involved sand and a little mud. That said, the weather was glorious and we sat on a big log thing basking in the sun, all agreeing that life is pretty good. Then we went home and carried on basking in the sun with a few glasses of wine, and life seemed even better.

I was very sad to leave New Buddy’s house and have to come home to my own boring residence. Having had a quick walk in the m0rning – this included the trip to Greggs for a sausage roll for me – I had every intention of sleeping in my armchair for the rest of the day, but no – She’s good friend round the corner said did She fancy a walk in the afternoon sunshine, and so despite the freezing wind I was dragged down to the river for yet another long walk. She’s good friend round the corner was pondering over whether to get a dog, so She said “don’t get a Beagle whatever you do,” which is rude and hurtful.

So what of Lad and Young Lad over Easter weekend? Well, we know that Young Lad came on the road trip to Nana aged 90’s house where his cousins made lots of funny comments, and they all laughed like drains. Lad was unfortunately too busy to attend this function plus of course, the rule of six meant that if Lad had come, someone else wouldn’t have been able to. Lad was very busy in his own rule of six with friends in A Town Far Away. When we returned from the road trip, She and Young Lad spent the evening catching up on Masterchef and there was lots of oohing and ahhing about the very high standard of presentation. It bored me senseless. Who gives a stuff about presentation? Lad came home very late and needed a good lie-in the next day – he seems to need a good lie-in most days – but it is lovely to have him home from university. Even if he does leave glasses and bottles all over the house, the extension lead and Alexa in the bathroom, towels all over the floor and the microwave looking like something has been massacred in it. No,really, it’s lovely to have him home from uni. Really, it is.

Friends I could not believe my ears this morning. She had gone to meet friends for a jolly long walk in some woods, and not taken me for which I was quite thankful as they ended up walking and talking for over two and a half hours! I would not have enjoyed this. So I stayed at home with Lad and Young Lad. Can you believe it – She had booked Young Lad’s Maths tutor for a lesson this morning. It’s the school holidays! What the heck? She said that Year 10 have been on chuffing school holiday for the past chuffing year, and Young Lad was going to have a one hour lesson come hell or high water. Readers I feel this is nigh on neglectful of Young Lad’s needs and rights. Poor Young Lad. This meant a whole hour not spent on the Xbox, which is unacceptable. The shame of it.

Lad is having some trouble with his appetite at the moment. She went to SparksmeansMarks the other day and bought a whole load of what She thought Lad would like – the prodigal son home from uni and all that nonsense. A fortune was spent on chicken goujons, mac & cheese oven bites, spicy chorizo filled pasta parcels…… Lad has not enjoyed any of these things. The only thing Lad enjoyed was the Four Cheese Ravioli ready meal, which exploded all over the microwave (see earlier comment) and has yet to be cleaned up. I don’t know what’s wrong with Lad. I would have enjoyed the mac and cheese bites, the chicken goujons, ths spicy chorizo pasta parcels …. I would have LOVED them, Readers. She is cross with Lad and says She doesn’t know why She bothers.

I had to laugh the other day, Friends. On Thursday night She spent ages in the kitchen making mini bitesize cheesecakes to take to Nana aged 90’s on Friday. These were put in the freezer overnight to harden properly. It turns out that my dinner wasn’t the only thing She forgot to take to Nana aged 90’s…. there is still a tray of bitesize cheesecakes in the freezer. Bitesize, I ask you. What’s the point?

As you can see I have had a very busy few days, and what with another walk into town with New Buddy The Younger holding my lead and yet another wait outside Costalotta, I am exhausted again tonight. But really, I am having a splendid life at the moment and am the happiest I’ve been for a long time. You wouldn’t know it as I still look suicidal in my resting face moments, but I’m very happy. And slim. Ish.

I hope you had an equally lovely weekend, Readers, and don’t forget, the pubs open outdoors next Monday. Happy days.

See you soon,

Russell

Author: boredbeagle

Slightly stocky beagle who lives with a family. This is She, He, Lad and Young Lad. And Gingercat. Generally doesn't get enough attention and so writes this blog to let everyone know what his life is like. You need to start from page one (First Attempt).. Go on, it's worth the effort.

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