Lame Excuse

lame Well, Readers, last Wednesday came and went.  As you know, I had been holding up my rear left leg a lot (the cartoon picture is inaccurate and for illustrative effect only) and She said – very reluctantly – that if it wasn’t better by last Wednesday, I would be taken to the Evil Vet.

Wednesday’s deadline passed, but on Thursday I was still holding it up in a pathetic way so off to the Evil Vet we went in the evening.  I didn’t want to get out of the car once I recognised the car park and had to be forcibly removed.  It was all rather undignified.  Then we had to wait for a while in the newly re-furbished waiting room, which I still don’t like, and I tried to hide under a chair.  Once the Evil Vet called us in, I made a bolt for the door but was yanked firmly into the Consulting Room.  

Oh dear, Readers, the pulling and prodding that went on!  Of course I had to be muzzled first, as I would have ripped off the Evil Vet’s hand otherwise, but once that was in place the manipulation of my leg could begin.  The Evil Vet started pulling my toes around, and pressing my foot, then worked her way up my leg, bending it this way and that.  None of these things hurt but I was furious none the less.  After AGES of examining my leg, the Evil Vet finally pulled it right out behind me and that DID hurt so I let her know fairly loudly.

Anyway, the Evil Vet says it might be a sore hip, possibly a bit of arthritis, and that I needed complete rest for a whole week – no walks at all!  From then on I’m only allowed 10 minutes on a lead each day for a few days.  No more trekking for four miles over the fields for a while!  Oh, and then I got on the scales and the Evil Vet said oh dear and frowned, and told She that I need to lose a kilo and a half of weight.  There’ll be nothing left of me!

So the long and the short of it is that I am house-bound, on tablets, and rather bored.  I have been grumpy and out of sorts all over the weekend, doing lots of irritating barking in the kitchen and garden, and generally being as ill-humoured as possible.  I’m snappy when it comes to food, and snarled at Detention Friend the other day when he tried to remove a packet of crisps from my mouth.  He soon thought better of it.  Thankfully today I have been to dear Pippa’s house for daycare so have had some company and stimulation, because really it is very dull just sitting here day after day with my family and Gingercat.

Detention Friend slept here on Saturday night, and he and Young Lad had a splendid time lying around in the lounge till the wee small hours, eating as much rubbish as they could find.  Luckily Detention Friend liked the chilli and lime mini popadums that nobody else in my house likes, and happily ate through the multi-pack.  It has to be said that the lounge didn’t smell too fresh first thing on Sunday morning, with an interesting mixture of sweaty adolescent boys, chilli popadums and sour cream and chive dip (for the breadsticks).  It reeked, Friends.

There was a lot of oohing and ahhing about food here at the weekend.  She went out for a meal with friends, and it appears had the BEST EVER sticky toffee pudding which followed a DIVINE beetroot salad with grilled halloumi.  I know what you’re thinking – I quite agree.  Why on earth would anyone choose a beetroot salad when the menu consisted of burgers, pizzas, pasta, sea bass with crushed new potatoes…. She said the calorie count of the beetroot salad was more palatable, but that theory was completely blown out of the water by the sticky toffee pudding, don’t you think? Ridiculous.

Young Lad’s football match was called off on Sunday as the pitch is still  in a dreadful state after Bonfire Night.  This meant that Young Lad had a whole day in which to relax and not do any homework until the very last minute of the afternoon. 

It is only a few weeks until Christmas, Friends, and it is traditional around this time of year in my house for the White Goods to pack up.  Regular Readers will remember the saga of the boiler last year – well believe me, that is still on its last legs and often sounds like a cargo plane landing on the roof – and to add to the fun, the Bosch dishwasher has error code E09 flashing.  Now, we’ve been here before, haven’t we!  E09 is very serious indeed and means the heating element has burned out, so one is dishwashing one’s crockery in cold water.  There was a lot of swearing and moaning tonight after She had taken as much of the dishwasher apart as possible and tried to nudge it back to warmth.  E09 is E09, Friends, and even though this White Good is only 2 years old, it will require an engineer’s visit and a lotofbldymoney to fix.  On top of my Evil Vet bill last week, this hasn’t gone down well tonight.  Lad and Young Lad have been told to keep their expectations very low in terms of Christmas presents. 

Tomorrow I am going to dear Ebony’s house, and if I have to put up with the nonsense that I endured at Pippa’s house today, I won’t be happy.  Do you know, Friends, that I was left at Pippa’s house ALONE while she went out for her walk?  Outrageous!  I was so unhappy about this state of affairs that I had no choice but to try and get to the kitchen bin.  I was thwarted with this, too, as it was tightly wedged in and I couldn’t empty it.   I sincerely hope Ebony doesn’t leave me alone tomorrow.  I’m a guest for goodness sake!

Lad is looking a little tired today, having been to a nightclub with his friends in a town far away on Saturday night.  He sent a text message to She at 4.30am to say that he was safely back at his friend’s house – I think this was incredibly thoughtful and responsible of Lad, but those weren’t the words She used when the phone pinged loudly next to the bed.   Poor Lad is very misunderstood.

Well, Readers, it’s surprisingly tiring not going out for walks and I need to get my head down for a kip.  I will be very glad to get back down to the river at the weekend and see my friends – I imagine everyone is worried sick about me.

See you soon,


Author: boredbeagle

Slightly stocky beagle who lives with a family. This is She, He, Lad and Young Lad. And Gingercat. Generally doesn't get enough attention and so writes this blog to let everyone know what his life is like. You need to start from page one (First Attempt).. Go on, it's worth the effort.

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