This morning while She was on the school run, I made this very attractive collage on the lounge carpet. I used the leaves and stem of a fresh pineapple that had been put in the back porch ready for the compost bin – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – just take those extra few seconds to put it outside IN the bin, rather than the porch. Anyway, I dragged the large pineapple stalky stuff into the lounge and ripped it up all over the floor. The leaves are rather spiky and it wasn’t my all-time favourite thing to do, but I was bored. I added to it an empty crisp packet.
Then, Readers, I wandered upstairs and emptied the bathroom bin all over the landing and one of the bedroom bins all over the floor. There was a heck of a mess upstairs by the time I’d finished. It gave me something to do while I was on my own, so then I went down to have a sleep in my chair.
Of course She came in and started screeching at me, and taking photos. This seems rather juvenile.
I’ve had a cracking couple of days, to be fair. Yesterday while Young Lad was at his football match and everyone was out with him, standing in the freezing cold hail and having a lovely time, I had a poke round in the cupboard under the stairs. I could definitely smell something nice in there, and it took me a while to find it but bingo! Hanging up high on a hook was a plastic carrier bag containing four or five Easter eggs, that were given to Lad and Young Lad last weekend. It was remarkably intelligent of someone to hang them up high on a hook, because obviously I couldn’t reach the top of the carrier bag.
I could however reach the bottom of the carrier bag, if I stood on my hind legs. Readers, all you have to do is chew through the plastic bag (which doesn’t take long to be honest) and the Easter eggs then simply fall out the bottom of the bag, onto the floor. From there it is an easy task to carry them one by one into the lounge, and rip them open. I ate three – initially I was accused of eating four but nobody had bothered looking under the table at that point, where I had kindly left two Easter eggs still in their boxes. I am, if nothing else, considerate.
So of course then there was lots of moaning about chocolate being poisonous for dogs (rubbish – remember the 10 inch triple-tier chocolate birthday cake I ate last year?) and a very brief discussion about whether I needed to go to the Emergency Evil Vet again. It was an alarmingly brief discussion actually, and does make me wonder whether anyone cares for my welfare. I’m not sure that “haven’t got bldythreehundredpounds and he’s eaten bldyworse in the past” are the right attitude.
I did have quite a swollen stomach for the rest of the day if truth be told. I didn’t even ask for any dinner last night as there was no room for it with the three Easter eggs. Look, before any of you kind and concerned people start worrying about the amount of chocolate I ate, we all know those Easter eggs are 99% packaging and a complete rip-off anyway. After a couple of dodgy comfort breaks in the garden and an unsociable hour one at 4am, I’m absolutely fine.
Plus none of this was helped by what they had for dinner yesterday. In an attempt to thaw out after a particularly cold football match, jacket potatoes with chilli, sour cream and chives, vegetables etc was prepared. A spoonful of the chilli fell on the kitchen floor so I ate it – imagine my horror when I noticed the sell-by date on the chilli powder! Now I know the food cupboard is more of a museum than a larder, but even I was shocked by February 2016. This is three years out of date! And quite happily being used to feed one’s offpsring! This is appalling neglect – I’ve no idea whether mild chilli powder can actually go off, but that’s not the point. I suppose it is of some relief that She had enough shame to throw it in the bin and buy a new one today.
It really was quite a day yesterday.
Prior to that, on Saturday, we went for my lovely walk down at the river and I was very excited to see that they have re-opened the bridge. This meant that we could go over the river into Top Field once more – how I have missed those rabbit droppings. There was just a teeny tiny problem, Readers. The new bridge looks different from the old bridge, and incredibly threatening. I was too scared to walk across it.
It really was absolutely terrifying as it looked completely different, so I had no choice but to stand at one end of the bridge fannying around for ages. I simply could not bring myself to set foot on it in case it collapsed. In the end She came stomping back over sighing and tutting, and I thought for one awful moment I was going to have to suffer the indignity of being PICKED UP and CARRIED over the damn bridge – luckily once She put my lead on, I felt much braver as if I fell into the water, at least She would be coming with me. So once attached, I very courageously ran across the new bridge as fast as possible.
Once in Top Field I rolled in loads of fox poo and had to have a bath when we got home.
So if all these traumas haven’t been enough, this morning I became tangled in the goal net. On returning from our walk, She decided to cut the grass as the garden looks absolutely dreadful – even less cared-for than Gingercat and I. I don’t much like the lawn mower, Friends, and was busy round the back of the football goal looking for any food. The lawn mower made me jump, and I tried to escape quickly by running through the goal – sadly I became rather tangled up in the net and had to be helped. This was undignified.
I have just seen an elderly gentleman on a mobility scooter going very slowly past my house, so I barked very viciously at him in case he was thinking of trying anything. He was followed only moments later by a lady with a pushchair, so she got the same treatment I’m proud to say. I simply do not like people loitering like this near my front garden.
Oh good. It’s now school pick-up time again. What shall I do?
Bye for now,