Yesterday, Friends, I ate Jim’s lunch. I was at dear, dear Pippa’s house for the day and her Pack Leader Male had just made himself a lovely plate of cheese and biscuits for lunch when the doorbell went. In a schoolboy error of judgement, Pippa’s Pack Leader Male put down his plate and went to answer the door – it was the postman, who needed a signature for something. Now at the sound of the doorbell, Pippa and I rushed up to the window and started barking loudly as we are very good protectors of the house, but whilst Pippa carried on barking and protecting the house, I suddenly remembered the lunch and ran back to the plate. I cleared it up in one fell swoop. It was absolutely delicious, Readers, and I can tell you that Jim had made a very good choice for his lunch.
Pippa’s Pack Leader Male was a little surprised when he said goodbye to the postman and returned to his plate to find it empty. However as is often the way of things, he found it very funny and laughed and laughed. Of course when I got home in the evening, I was told off and scolded for ages about the stolen lunch. Look, you know quite well that it’s very poor parenting to admonish a child or dog for a misdemeanour carried out ages beforehand – what was the point of telling me off halfway through Friday evening for something that had happened at lunchtime? None whatsoever.
Did I feel guilty about stealing Jim’s lunch, I hear you ask. Well, let’s see. No.
The thing is, when you see an opportunity in life, you just have to grab it. Seize the day and all that. I had two choices – leave his lunch alone and miss out on some food, or steal his lunch and be happy. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t, to be honest.
Anyway, it had been a very pleasant day all round yesterday. I hadn’t seen dear Pippa for ages and we had so much to catch up on, though I did find the two long walks rather excessive and needed a lot of sleep. Then of course it was Friday evening which meant Slovenly Pizza night, always one of my favourite events. Now, She didn’t know about the stolen lunch at this point and very generously gave me a few pieces of pizza crust, telling me what a good boy I was. Once a certain text message had been received – dobbing me in – the pizza crust stopped coming and the moaning at me started.
Today hasn’t been bad either. I had a lovely lie-in this morning as I was so exhausted from the week – after the early comfort break in the garden I went back to bed and got my head down for a few more hours. Then She took me out for a long walk after She’d ‘popped into town’, and what a glorious walk it was, too. We had only just reached the river when I found a large pile of fox poo and rolled in it. To my delight I managed to get a huge streak of it down the middle of my white back. This gave me a very distinguished look, I felt. We went over the bridge into Top Field, but I had to be put on the lead as there was a dodgy-looking white van there, and a yellow tent in the middle of the field. Quite why anyone would be camping there at this time of year, I don’t know. There are no amenities, for one thing.
Anyway, She was concerned for her own safety what with the dodgy-looking white van to squeeze past, and felt that me being on the lead instead of half a mile behind eating rabbit droppings was some sort of protection. I don’t know what I was expected to do. I would bark and bark, of course, quite happily, but if anyone offered me some food I would stop barking straight away. Luckily it turned out that there were several other dog-walkers in Top Field, all keeping their distance from the white van and yellow tent.
On the way back from our walk, we met a lady with a labrador and She shouted something like ‘sorry about my dog, he’s rolled in fox cack’ or the such-like. This very nice lady then made a Big Mistake. She made the error of saying that her sister has a Beagle ….and of course we all know what happened next. More unashamed advertising of my blog and book. For the love of God, let people walk their dogs in peace!
Once home, I had to be put in the bath as the nice greeny-black streak down my white fur was quite rank. I haven’t had a bath for a little while and actually quite enjoyed it. As a result my fur is snowy white tonight and I smell a lot better than usual. A little fun was had as I jumped out the bath – I do find it hilariously funny to shake very hard and spatter the entire bathroom with soggy dog water. There is a bit of a race to see whether She can throw a towel over me fast enough to stop me doing this, but I usually win. I won again today and the bathroom was soaked. Then I walked downstairs with wet feet and left paw prints all over the carpet. It was a laugh.
This afternoon there was some industrial-sized baking going on as several people we know have had a bit of a week, and the only thing to do in these circumstances is force-feed them chocolate cake. Of course it sorts everything – bereavement, injury, trauma….. nonetheless, industrial quantities of chocolate cake were baked which was good news for me, as the kitchen was shocking afterwards and there was a large splodge of chocolate cake mixture on the floor, plus some buttercream dripping down the washing machine. I had a great time clearing up.
Other than that it’s been a quiet afternoon, with Lad and Young Lad doing some homework much to everyone’s surprise. Young Lad has to create a presentation about a Shakespeare play called The Two Noble Kinsmen – no I hadn’t heard of it either – and the synopsis of the play seems to be a gay love triangle. This is what Young Lad is making a presentation about, and I’m not sure how suitable it is for someone of his tender years. Really, wouldn’t Macbeth have been better?
Tomorrow Young Lad has a football match, Readers, which means that Detention Friend will be down here inordinately early for a lift. I do hope Detention Friend remembers NOT to approach me when I am in the dishwasher this time. I will have a good sleep while they are out at football.
Cheese and biscuits, Friends – why don’t you do yourself a plate right now?
See you soon,