Today I’ve had a lot of fun, Readers. I was home alone for nearly three hours this morning which is very brave of them, and I put the time to good use. First of all I pulled lots of Christmas carrier bags all over the back porch, looking through them for snacks. There weren’t any. I also knocked a couple of recipe books off the shelves for good measure. The back porch looked a right state once I’d finished rearranging everything.
Back in the kitchen I opened the cupboards and pulled all the Tupperware boxes on the floor. I reached up a bit higher and managed to knock a jar of Tiptree marmalade onto the floor as well – luckily this didn’t smash, as Tiptree marmalade is awfully expensive and we only had it as a treat when Nana aged 87 came to stay at Christmas. Once that’s finished we will be back to Tesco Fine Shred basic. I left the marmalade alone, largely because I couldn’t get into the jar, and had another look on the spice shelf. Hurrah! A packet of vegetable stock cubes – I pulled them out and ate a couple. They were a bit salty and I needed a big drink of water afterwards.
Upstairs I went, to see what I could find. I tipped the bathroom bin all over the floor and ate whatever I fancied and then went through the bedroom bins. Nobody had thought to shut the doors, you see. Big mistake. The bedroom carpets were covered in tissues, make-up-covered cotton wool and all sorts of stuff when I had finished.
Of course when She came in with the usual silly “have you been a good, good boy or a naughty, naughty boy?” it was patently obvious what the answer was, as She could see the state of the house. It was very funny. There was some moaning and grumbling at me, and it took AGES to clear it all up, but I couldn’t care less. It had been very amusing. Well don’t leave me on my own for three hours, then!
Why had they forgotten to shut the bedroom doors, you may be wondering? Readers, they were running around like blue-arsed flies as usual on the first school day of the week, trying to get everyone out the house on time with all the things they needed. Poor organisation as ever, and quite why Young Lad couldn’t have found a black pen before he was due to leave the house I do not know. Thus the doors were forgotten.
It’s been a messy few days here really. A couple of times I’ve gone through the recycling bags and taken out various boxes and containers, running down the garden with them where I rip them up and spit bits all over the lawn. My all time favourite is the Young’s cod in batter box, as there are always a few crumbs of batter in there and it’s delicious. You have to rip that box into really, really small pieces and spit them everywhere. This makes tidying up difficult and long-winded.
When some tidying up was attempted in the kitchen yesterday, a pack of Quality Street was shoved back onto the top shelf. Imagine my surprise when a green triangle escaped from the packet and fell to the floor – it wasn’t there long. I ate the wrapper too. I like the green triangles. And all the others, even the coffee ones that nobody else likes.
Anyway, I felt I could afford to eat a green triangle as several people lately have commented on my svelte figure! I am looking about the slimmest I’ve ever been which can’t be said for anyone else in my family, and someone at the river yesterday remarked that they could see my ribs!! I know!! So this just proves that I am under-fed which is the point I’ve been trying to make every day. I have also been cracking a lot of dreadful smells so there has been a slight concern that my weight loss and flatulence might be linked, but only a very slight concern. Nobody seems that worried.
At the river over the weekend we bumped into Nicedogwalkerlady and her husband, and they made a lovely fuss of me. There was some discussion of the dull eleven mini-mince pies debacle, and then Nicedogwalkerlady’s husband said did we know that grapes are poisonous to humans too, and She said (ignorantly) is it the citric acid in them, and he said no it’s the fourteen bottles of Sauvignon Blanc. There was much laughter. I failed to see the humour in this and carried on sniffing under the willow tree. A little later we met Oscar The Border Terrier who always jumps up at She’s jeans and plasters them with mud. Oscar did exactly that and She pretended She didn’t mind and said what a little tinker he is. Oscar’s Pack Leaders hadn’t heard the eleven mini-mince pie story so we had to go through all that again. Dear God.
There was a fight in our house early on Sunday morning, Friends. This involved She, me and the duvet. I refused point blank to budge from the part where I was comfortable even though it was really scrunched up and She had no duvet at all, so I had no choice but to growl and snarl when the pulling and yanking started. I’ve never seen such selfishness – the aggression that was used to wrest the duvet from under me! Nasty and spiteful, Readers, really it was.
Everyone is at school/work for the rest of the week so I am being completely ignored. Thankfully dear Ebony has said I can go for walks with her and I am very welcome to sleep in her bed so that’s something. I think that’s what she said. Young Lad should have gone to after-school football training tonight, but poor Young Lad was exhausted from his football match yesterday and couldn’t be bothered. I quite understand. This obsession with long walks and physical exercise is really quite unhealthy.
For that reason I need to have forty winks in my chair now. Golly what a lot of throwing stuff around I did today! No wonder I’m tired out.
Bye for now,