Readers, I have had a marvellous couple of hours. Honestly, it’s one of the best sessions I’ve had for ages – make yourselves a drink and settle down for the evening.
He had his birthday today and it was decided that the whole family would go out for dinner (once She had faffed around online to find a 30% off mains voucher tightwad.) I was delighted at this news as it meant that I would be left alone for a bit. Oh yes, they put the kitchen bin outside the back door and closed the bedroom doors, and put the bathroom bin into the bath (I still think this is odd – I mean, do you do that?) They felt they had taken all necessary precautions, and I pretended to be very tired and heavily asleep in my chair as they left.
Oh fools. The car hadn’t even left the drive before I was out of my chair and into the kitchen.
Now, the big cupboard in the kitchen was tidied and cleaned last week, and I have to say somewhat re-organised. Not for the better, it seems. All the herbs/spices/sauces/jars and things you would think wouldn’t interest me have been moved down a shelf to within my reach. They do interest me. Here is what the kitchen looked like once I had checked out the re-organised cupboard.
The photo doesn’t do it justice, Reader. There was a Time Out bar in the middle of the floor, and glass jars all over the shop. That orange bag that you can see was pretty much full with lots of old crappy chocolates that nobody liked, such as the strawberry creams from years-old boxes of Roses. I liked them.
I had also dragged loads of stuff into the lounge. Under the dining room table was a very artistic collage of wrappers – Wagon Wheels, Kit Kats, a bottle of barbecue sauce, and a LARGE box of Paxo stuffing mix. I had ripped this open and shaken it around, which made a very pleasing mountain of dry stuffing mix over the carpet. I ate as much as I possibly could and left some to come back to later. I had found two packs of Cheddars, a bag of crisps and some chocolate finger biscuits – but I didn’t open any of these! Will I get any credit for that? Of course not. It was a terrific mess and I was really quite proud of myself.
The only problem is that the combination of what I’ve eaten isn’t great, potentially, for digestion. We all know that chocolates are supposed to be poisonous for dogs, but we all know that I’ve eaten a 10 inch triple layer chocolate birthday cake and survived intact, so I’m not too worried about that. No, it’s more the saltiness of the sage and onion stuffing mix with the fat of the chocolate that could be a bit uncomfortable. I imagine I will need a lot of water and trips outside for a comfort break during the night.
The carpet needs vacuuming again and Paxo has had to be put back on the Christmas food shopping list.
God only knows how many chocolates I’ve eaten and the slightly puzzling thing is that nobody can find any wrappers from the old stale ones that should have been thrown out years ago. Really, if my family wasn’t so slovenly these things wouldn’t happen. What is the point of cleaning out a cupboard and simply putting the stale and out-of-date stuff back? Ridiculous. At least I’ve brought it to their attention. I just hope I can keep it all down.
I’ve been shouted at of course, and chucked out in the garden. There was some swearing while She lay under the dining room table trying to scoop up various wrappers and large mountains of stuffing mix. I don’t feel it’s very festive to be swearing at one’s Beagle this close to Christmas.
Do I get any thanks for NOT knocking the Christmas tree over? Of course not.
Apart from that it’s been a very ordinary day. I had a long walk at the river this afternoon and jumped up at a lady who looked like she had treats in her hand. It turned out to be her mobile phone, and this was disappointing. Then there was a pushchair up ahead so I ran after it – I have learned, Friends, that if the pushchair/buggy contains a small baby it is useless, but if there is a toddler then these vehicles are a great source of snacks. There are ALWAYS bread sticks, carrot sticks, Oreos, or a simple bag of crisps on or around the toddler. It’s best to sniff, grab n go. Unfortunately today’s buggy contained a small baby so I was disappointed for the second time.
In other news today, Young Lad’s football match wasn’t called off due to a waterlogged pitch much to She’s irritation. This meant a half hour drive through the back roads of the county following a sadistic Satnav’s directions, followed by standing on a soggy, cold and very damp field for two hours. Really, what a fuss. This is what Good Parenting is all about – quit the whingeing.
Lad finally made it out of bed at lunchtime and sat huddled up on the sofa with his tomato soup for half the afternoon. Poor Lad has had a couple of late nights due to socialising with his friends or exciting games on the Xbox – really She needs to stop moaning at him and try to remember back to when She was young. I realise that’s a long time ago.
Poor He has a nasty cold. Nobody gives Him any sympathy, of course, and I know how he feels. Though I do wish He would stop sniffing.
Goodness, was that my stomach? What a noise. And a smell. I think it’s a good job that I’m at home tomorrow and not going to dear Ebony or dear Pippa for daycare, as I imagine my comfort breaks won’t be very easy to pick up. By God it was fun, though. And on that note, I’m sending good wished to my dear friend Pippa who is having an operation at the Evil Vet’s tomorrow. Something to do with women’s bits I think, I don’t really want to know.
Readers, I’m stuffed. Quite literally. It’s exhausting clearing out a cupboard like that.
See you soon,