Trick or Treat

_pdp_sq_I know what you’re thinking, Readers – that I’m a few days late as Halloween was six days ago. But you see, I like to bide my time and choose my moments carefully as it is far more fun.  Yesterday afternoon, once dear Pippa’s Pack Leader had brought me home from daycare, I had some time to myself in the house and I think we all know what I found on the kitchen counter!

The trick was to stand up as tall as I possibly could and stretch my paw right across the counter until it managed to knock Young Lad’s Halloween bucket of sweets onto the floor.  The treat was to then eat the lot.

There were lollipops, chews, a couple of chocolates, a bag or two of Haribos, some Refreshers and a packet of love hearts.  The wrappers were a bit of a pain and I had to spit the lolly sticks over the lounge floor, but I really did enjoy myself. 

Of course I was moaned at when they got in, and there was the silly “WHO did this?” shrieked at me, but it was a top hour of entertainment.  There was some concern that I might be hyperactive due to the sugar rush, but this was never likely to happen and I slept soundly in my chair.   It finished off a pretty good day, actually, as I had rolled in loads of fox cack when out for my walk with Pippa and had to be cleaned up.

It was all a bit fraught here at the end of the afternoon, which annoyed me as I was quite tired from all my foraging in the kitchen.  She and Young Lad were at yet another dull hospital appointment and then they dashed home to shove some food in the oven before She had to leave again to attend Lad’s GCSE Celebration Evening.  There was loads of moaning and fussing for the fifteen minutes She was in the house and we were all glad to see the back of her.

Then it settled down as He, Young Lad and I had the sofa and the telly to ourselves for a couple of hours.  This was very pleasant, even though I was a bit rank from the fox poo and probably shouldn’t have been on the sofa in the first place.

Lad and She finally returned from the Celebration Evening which She said was very enjoyable and Lad said was lame.  I think to be honest Lad was in a mood as She had refused to stop at MacDonalds on the way home, and he had to make do with a packet of Uncle Ben’s instead.  This was nowhere near enough sustenance for poor Lad, and he had no choice but to put some hash browns and chips in the oven at 9pm.  What an atrocious lack of nutrition for poor Lad – this is Neglect.

On the subject of food (my favourite topic, obviously) Young Lad has Food Tech later this week.  In an attempt at organisation, She asked  him this morning what ingredients he needed for this week’s dish of macaroni cheese.  Young Lad said, “Macaroni.  And cheese.  That should do it.”  There was a lengthy lecture then about the need to actually look at one’s list of ingredients in one’s Food Tech  book instead of hoping for the best.  I’m looking forward to Young Lad’s macaroni cheese as most of his Food Tech has been triumphant, with the small exception of the scone spirals.

He is out at a jolly nice dinner somewhere tonight, so Young Lad, Lad and She are all on the sofa and two of the three are watching a football match.  I was trying to sleep in between them all but it was rather limited from the room point of view, so I have gone off to my chair in a huff.

Today I had a lovely long walk at the river and into Far Field.  I haven’t been into Far Field for a while and it was very nice to sniff around at leisure.  This was rudely interrupted however by the appearance of the Air Ambulance overhead, where it hovered in an exciting way for ages whilst looking for somewhere to land.   Always one to enjoy a medical emergency She made me hurry up in Far Field so that we could chase after the Air Ambulance and see where it went.  Alas there was no sign of it once we came out of the woods, so there was an air of disappointment. For heavens’ sake I could have taken my time after all.

I saw lots of the usual 10 am friends down there and felt frisky enough to chase my ball a few times.  I didn’t want to overdo it, though.  Coming back up the road, I found a dessicated frog dried into the road – I tried my hardest to scrape it up and eat it, but was pulled harshly away.  I was marched indoors and put in the bath, as I still smelled from my rolling yesterday.  This annoyed me, as it’s taken me all day to dry out and now I’m blamed for the smell of wet dog in the house.  There are three candles on the go this evening.

Tonight’s dinner was fishcakes, mashed potato, broccoli, green beans and carrots.  Nobody liked the fishcakes despite their “melting centres” (no of course they weren’t home-made) but at least the presence of vegetables made up for the poor culinary showing last night.  I’ve had half a fishcake that Young Lad wasn’t enjoying and I can confirm that it was quite bland, melting centre or no melting centre.  I ate it though.

Tomorrow I’m at dear Pippa’s again, and I’m really hoping her Pack Leader drops me home before anyone gets in so that I can check out the kitchen and the bins.  Nobody has noticed yet that there is the wrapping from a loaf of bread under the dining room table – it’ll be months before anyone cleans there – so my secret is safe for now.

Golly I’m exhausted – some of those chewy lollies were jolly hard work you know.

See you soon,



bed-clipart-dog-5You would not believe what I had to put up with last night, Readers.  It was Saturday night and Young Lad stayed up to watch Match of the Day with He – I find Match of the Day dreadfully dull and rather samey, so I retired early.  Thus it was that when Young Lad came up to bed I was heavily asleep on his pillows which meant Young Lad couldn’t get into bed.  Young Lad dithered around in his pyjamas for ages, asking me nicely to move and suggesting that I go further down the bed so that he could get into his own bed and go to sleep.  I refused.  

A couple of times Young Lad raised his voice slightly and said “come on Russell, please,” but I was having none of it.   It served him right for staying up for Match of the Day if you ask me.  I was completely exhausted and disinclined to move further down Young Lad’s bed – I was extremely comfortable where I had settled.

Young Lad continued dithering around, wondering what to do next, when of course She had to get involved.  This does annoy me intensely.  A hand was firmly shoved under my bottom and I was shouted at to “MOVE IT!!” but I will not tolerate this kind of behaviour, Friends, and threw my entire weight against the bed.  I simply will not put up with this aggressive attitude towards me.  It became a battle of wills, and the harder She pushed, the harder I moved my solid weight against her and She could not shift me.  In the end it took the combined strength of She and Lad to barge me a few centimetres along the bed so that Young Lad could squeeze in so long as he lay right on the edge.  I had to reluctantly accept this situation but I should not have to put up with such treatment.

I’ve had two marvellous walks today down at the river and across the fields – a beautiful autumnal day and really quite mild.  This morning we marched up over Top Field at an alarming rate, due to the lack of exercise for She during the week.  Our march was slowed down a little by the number of molehills that were around – I feel the need to cock my leg on every molehill I see and they had been busy last night.  This really did slow us down and I was moaned at.  I got my own back by having a comfort break high up the field in the very long grass, once She had stomped right back down by the gate.  I had pretended that I was looking at something in the field so She went on a long way ahead, and this meant that She had a long way to tramp back up to find it, and of course because it was in the long grass covered by beautiful autumnal leaves, my comfort break was nowhere to be seen.  It was excellent fun.

Then blow me down, this afternoon we went out again!  Young Lad and He had gone to the cinema, so some more exercise was thought important and off we went again.  This time there were absolutely loads of my friends down there too.  Dear, dear Chuck was over the other side of the field, and feeling quite frisky I ran like the wind to meet him.  Chuck didn’t seem very impressed with my efforts and didn’t want to play, so I decided to head up towards the housing estate instead as I could smell the remnants of roast dinners.  Of course the whistle was blown shrilly and I was summoned back .  Chuck’s Pack Leader said I had very good recall, which was nice of him, but then noticed me snatch my reward from her hand so viciously that I nearly removed two fingers.  Chuck’s Pack Leader then gave her a lesson in how to give one’s dog a treat WITHOUT them snatching, and it was all a ridiculous rigmarole involving turning your hand backwards and closed with the treat inside it, and not letting one’s dog have it until they have calmed down.

Honestly how silly.  I played along with this infantile game for a while and took the treat gently.  Next time I’ll bite harder than ever.

TWICE over this weekend while I’ve been out, people have said “oh look it’s a Beagle, Beagles are gorgeous” which has then been bad-temperedly refuted by She.  Quite why She has to besmirch the good name of my breed at every opportunity, I do not know, and it gets right on my nerves.  There they are, these nice people smiling at me and stroking my soft ears, and all the while hearing about raiding bldy bins, stealing bldy food, ripping up the bldy recycling blah blah blah.  And don’t forget the bldy rolling in fox poo and the bldy anal glands.  Just let them think Beagles are nice, for the love of God!  Would it hurt so much?

My dear friend Ebony is in trouble, as she has been stealing from the kitchen again. This time Ebony has managed half a pack each of Brazil nuts, peanuts and raisins.  To be fair this is quite a healthy feast as the oil in nuts is very good for you, but I’m not convinced things are going to digest very well.

On that note, I found some bright pink spaghetti on the pavement the other night – I believe it was Halloween, as I can’t think of any other reasons that anyone would dye spaghetti bright pink.  I ate it.  It was nice.  Pippa’s Pack Leader dobbed me in, of course, as she was worried the bright pink spaghetti might come through in its original state, and didn’t want any worry that I had some sort of psychedelic tapeworm.  It didn’t.

Lad had a very late night on Friday at a party and consequently failed to wake up until lunchtime today.  He wandered down into the kitchen looking for something to eat a mere half an hour before Sunday lunch was being served – there was a lot of arguing about what he could/couldn’t eat at this point.  Lad settled on a Babybel cheese and a Hartley’s pot of  raspberry jelly.  Neither of which were in the list of suggestions given to him.  Luckily Lad managed to eat his big Sunday lunch as well, and I had a great time in the dishwasher.

Young Lad has completed three pieces of homework this weekend and is exhausted.  He had just about enough energy to sit through a juvenile film at the cinema this afternoon with He, but really this counts as a busy day for Young Lad.  I might even let him get into his own bed tonight.

Well another week is about to start Friends, and I will be shipped off here, there and everywhere. In fact I’m going to dear Pippa’s house tomorrow which will be excellent, but I will pull a sad face just to make a point to my own family.

Bye for now,



Dog_Watching_TV_1It is Friday night and I am being moaned at, Friends. He, She and Young Lad are all on the sofa trying to watch a very exciting episode of Chicago PD, and I thought it would be rather nice to join them.  So I climbed on Young Lad’s knee and sat up very straight indeed.  I, too, was captivated by the exciting episode of Chicago PD and was watching the screen intently.  Unfortunately Young Lad couldn’t see round me as I was sitting up so straight, and it appears having a very large Beagle blocking your view of exciting telly is annoying.  Young Lad tried leaning to the right to see over my shoulder, so I helpfully shifted my weight which blocked his view even more.  Then he tried leaning to the left, so I shifted my weight again.

In the end of course I had to give in to all the shouting at me and moaning, and lay down across Young Lad’s legs.  By this time the exciting part of Chicago PD had finished.

Prior to this I had spent half an hour whining and whingeing at them in the hope that I might get some pizza crust, it being Slovenly Pizza Night.  Sometimes, Readers, it takes a short sharp bark to get their attention properly and acquire some food, but tonight some exceptionally loud whining and grizzling did the trick.  There is a particular pitch of whining that is REALLY annoying and it often wears them down.  My gains were a very small crust of pizza and three carrot sticks. It’s better than nothing.

I’ve hardly seen Pack Leader this week due to the extended working hours and what does She do within half an hour of being home tonight?   Tells me I smell.  It’s my rear end as usual- anal glands are devils you know- but I do feel it’s rude to point this out to me withing minutes of walking through the door.  And there is no need for all the fussing about “I hope you didn’t bldy well make the furniture at Ebony’s house smell of anal glands” blah blah blah.   So I have curled up on the red fleecy blanket now, in silent protest at the rudeness, and if it smells horrid by the end of the evening, tough.

She also says I’m losing my touch.  Today dear dear Ebony’s Pack Leader brought me home early in the afternoon, so there was a period of time in which I was Home Alone Unsupervised.  Normally this would involve a quick look through all the bins and cupboards to find something to eat, and if nothing was forthcoming I might well have been in the mood to throw a box of paperclips around.  But no!   Today I did not open one single cupboard or drag things out of one single bin AND (this is the crux of the matter) I failed to notice some stale bread in the back porch which should have been put out for the stupid starlings!  I know!  What are things coming to when I miss out on a snack!  I know for a fact that in Lad’s bedroom there was a bowl of Shreddies uneaten from early this morning; however in an unusual moment of good organisation the bedroom doors had been shut.

I really don’t know how I managed to miss out on the manky crusts in the back porch and feel I may be coming down with something.

Lad’s bedroom, by the way, is shocking.  Now I’m not one for tidiness and I do like to trash a bed and kick a duvet all over the shop, but even I can see that Lad’s bedroom is about the worst it’s ever been.  This is a shame as it was cleaned and organised recently, but you would never know.  Poor Lad.  He hasn’t had a good week and expecting him to pick up five towels, several shirts and numerous items of underwear from the floor is just unreasonable.

Lad has gone out with his friends in a town far away tonight, and I don’t blame him.  It has to be preferable to tidying his room.

The other night there was a strange old thing called Halloween. She says She can’t bear it as it  is thinly veiled aggressive begging, and is nothing but  hideous commercial nonsense developed by a company called Asda.  Such levity in this house, as usual.  Anyway, Young Lad was luckily invited out by his friends to go Trick or Treating, as otherwise he would have been staying indoors with She probably watching an educational documentary.

Now, Trick or Treating sounds like a fab idea if you ask me.  I really like the sound of going up to complete strangers and waiting for them to give you some snacks – in fact I do this all the time down at the river.  I haven’t really got on board with the ‘trick’ aspect of the concept, because it is only the treats that I’m interested in.  But if anyone DOESN’T give me a treat down at the river, I do give them a filthy look and flounce off.  They soon learn.

A new dinner bowl arrived for me today.  I used to have a special “slow your bldy greedy dog down” model so that I couldn’t gulp my food down in three mouthfuls; -this is a carefully designed plastic thing with a spiral type maze in it.  Anyway, my bldy expensive “slow your bldy greedy dog down” bowl was left at Nana aged 87’s house when we were last there, so I’ve had to make do with a cat bowl in the meantime.  This is rather beneath me.  So I was quite pleased to see my new “slow your bldy greedy dog down” bowl, and She was pleased as it was nearly half the price from the Internet Giant Retailer than it would have been from ToysrPetsrVetsrUs or whatever it’s called.  

I’m in for lots of long walks this weekend it seems, as someone is missing their long power stomps through the fields, due to the extended working hours. I’d rather stay in my chair in all honesty.  I went to dear, dear Pippa’s house for daycare on Wednesday and pretty much slept all day, as I had done at Ebony’s the day before.  It’s these early starts at 6am every day – I hate that ruddy alarm clock and I am NOT ready to get up for the day at that time.  Nor is anyone else it seems, especially Lad.  Young Lad seems to cope ok, but then he spends a lot more of his life sitting on sofa than anyone else here.  Young Lad and I have a lot in common.

Readers, Young Lad has a can of sugar free 7up for a treat.  He has some bottles of Budweiser.  Gordon is popping in for She any minute now.  What do I get?  You’re right.

Meghan Markle is now back from Australia and I fully expect that she has read my book on journey there and back.  There was certainly time to.  I imagine I will be hearing from her very soon once she’s recovered from the jetlag.

See you soon,


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