Three’s a crowd

IMG-20181004-WA0002  Yesterday, Readers, I was having a perfectly pleasant time at dear Ebony’s house when another dog came to visit.  As you know, socialising with other dogs isn’t really my thing so I felt it was only right that I had an armchair to myself, whilst Ebony and the visitor had to share.   I was extremely comfortable in the armchair by myself.  

Tonight I have had a bit of a result as it is Slovenly Pizza night, being Friday, and as Express Pizza doughballs were half price in Tesco tonight, a packet was bought.  Imagine my delight when She dropped the packet as She was opening it and a couple of uncooked dough balls rolled across the kitchen floor.  I moved like lightning Readers, which doesn’t happen often, and managed to grab both dough balls even though they had rolled in different directions.  They were rather chanky to eat, as they hadn’t been cooked, but a dough ball is a dough ball.  This was very pleasing.  Then I whined and whinged in the lounge whilst they all ate their pizzas and carrot sticks, until someone gave me some carrot to shut me up.  I like Friday nights.

I am quite ashamed, however, to say that pyjamas had been donned BEFORE the watershed of 7pm.  This is being blamed on a long week, but I feel standards are becoming desperately low here.  I am quite sure none of you resort to pyjamas by 7pm on a Friday night.  The argument for this is that Lad and He are going up the pub to watch Wet Sham this evening, which means Young Lad and She have the sofa and TV to themselves.  This inevitably means Chicago PD and diet Lilt for Young Lad, whilst Gordon pops round for She – and it might be bldy large one, She is saying.  I fail to see why you can’t be appropriately attired for such an evening rather than in extremely old sleepwear.

The other night I was dragged over the Rec after tea for some fresh air, even though I had experienced plenty of fresh air during the day.  It turned out to be quite fun, actually, as there was a black cockapoo type thing that I try to mount whenever I see it.  I don’t know what comes over me, I just have this impulse to hump it and I really resent the words “GET OFF/YOU HAVE NO BLDYIDEA WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT” being shouted at me.  So I was screeched at and chased away from the black cockapoo.  Then, to my delight, we spotted dear. dear Ebony and we had a marvellous game with a dead hedgehog.  Ebony was brave and kept picking it up, shaking it around in her mouth, while I watched.  At first the Pack Leaders thought it was a grotty old trainer as the light was fading, but it soon became apparent it had once been a large hedgehog.  More shouting and chasing, until She managed to pick it up and take it off to the side of the field, moaning about “fleas” and “germs”.  She chucked it behind the football goals which I don’t feel was wise.

Young Lad has discovered the school library!  I know!  Until now Young Lad has given this a wide swerve as it contains books, but it turns out you can go in there at lunchtime and play cards!  Young Lad has quite a gambling bent, as shown on many holidays and at Christmas, so this is wonderful news for him.  Mostly he has been playing Pontoon with some friends – it’s not clear at this stage whether money is allowed to change hands in the school library but I imagine it won’t be long.  I am so pleased that Young Lad has enjoyed his time in the library this week and not had to look at a single book.  Well done. Young Lad.

She and I were relegated to the other room to watch the old telly on Wednesday night.  This was because there was a dull football match on BT sport and seemingly it’s too much effort to unplug the BT Sport box from the lounge TV and plug it into the old TV.  There was some bad language about this as a new series of The Apprentice was starting and one would have liked to watch this from the comfort of the sofa, but no, squashed up in the other room we had to be.  I was rather tired on Wednesday evening, Readers, and all the snorting and laughing during The Apprentice was vexing to say the least.  I had made a bad decision and it would probably have been much quieter with Lad and He watching the dull football.  You live and learn.

Well, those conkers are still being highly ineffective.  During dinner preparation last night,  something the size of a satsuma strolled along the worktop to meet She.  There was a silly loud gasping noise, as it had made her jump, and then loads of clattering around to find a glass big enough to put over the bastard.  A pint glass was needed.  I was concerned to see that Young Lad’s commendation postcard from school was used as the other part of the spider-catching mechanism as this seems disrespectful.  Anyway the monstrous arachnid was carried down the garden and chucked over the man over the back’s fence.  It will be back in tomorrow and I can’t see that frantically scattering conkers all round the kitchen is going to make much difference.  It’s laughable.

Lad has a busy weekend, Friends – not with homework as you may be thinking – but tonight there is the Wet Sham match up the pub, then tomorrow Lad will need a lie-in until it’s time to go to the town far away to hang out with his friends.  And it doesn’t stop there!  Oh no.  Tomorrow night he is watching a boxing match on telly somewhere with his friends, and it doesn’t start till the early hours of the morning!  What fun!  Now you would think that Lad would need to sleep for most of Sunday after this but they have a christening to go to in a city 200 miles away which will necessitate about 7  bldy hours in the bldy car during the day.  I do hope that poor Lad can sleep in the car on this journey as he will be so tired. And possibly bad-tempered.  Poor Lad.

Well I’ve been told I’m going out for TWO long walks tomorrow as She hasn’t had much fresh air or exercise this week and wants to walk for miles.  I can’t wait.

Time for my chair, and I hear the clink of ice cubes so we all know what time it is for someone else.

Bye for now,




Fat balls

Now that got your attention, didn’t it!¬  Yesterday I was very bored while they were all at work/school so I went into the cupboard under the stairs – I haven’t had a good look in there for ages – and found a new packet of fat balls for the stupid starlings.  I dragged them out and tried to eat some – I’m not going to divulge how successful I was, but I will let you know that He was very surprised to find one buried in the bedroom.  It is perfectly possible that I buried several others all over the house, but they haven’t found them yet.

fat balls

I’ll let you known when they find the others.

The morning had started well yesterday, Readers, as I went to daycare at dear, dear Pippa’s house and she had someone there that I hadn’t seen for a whole year!  I greeted him like a long-lost friend and licked his face whilst making my silly whinnying noise; I was SO pleased to see him!  I think he enjoyed this encounter.  When She arrived at lunchtime to collect me, I was busy begging for food in the kitchen as there were some cheese sandwiches being prepared and I really do love a cheese sandwich.  Or anything, really. Of course I was moaned at for  being rude and taken home.

It was lasagne for dinner last night, Friends, which made a right mess of the kitchen as usual. I managed to get inside the dishwasher far enough to clean the plates, and Young Lad managed to get lasagne all over his PE top.  Unfortunately Young Lad hadn’t checked his timetable and thus didn’t realised he had PE again today when he chucked his kit in the washing basket.  So early this morning Young Lad had to retrieve his PE kit from the washing basket and do Indoor Basketball wearing a lasagne-covered PE shirt.  Poor Young Lad – this is clearly neglect. The shame of it.

This morning was quite a laugh, as She took me for a long walk by the river and up through Far Field.  The reason it was a laugh is that there were loads and loads of my friends down there.  This wasn’t the thing that made me laugh, and I largely ignored them.  But their Pack Leaders had treats with them, which I begged and cadged from them.  Oh the dogs all ran round me wanting to play – Colin the Cockapoo, Teddy the Australian Labradoodle, even Chuck – but I was simply not in the mood, Friends, and had challenged myself to grab as much food on our walk as possible.  Teddy the Australian Labradoodle’s Pack Leader gave me a biscuit, and then I found some bread thrown out for the birds.  This was a good start.

Two minutes later, who did I see in the distance but Sausage Sue and the older chap with the Westie who always has biscuits.  I ran up to Sausage Sue and sat very, very nicely until she gave in and produced a treat for me.  Then the older chap with the Westie gave me a biscuit.  This really was an excellent morning so far.

And on the way back up the road – there was a finger of kitkat dropped outside one of the houses!  Clearly this had fallen from some poor child’s lunchbox on the way to school but never mind, I looked after it for them.  Result.

Once home I needed a sleep as I was tired out from all the begging.  She said I am rude and greedy, but I couldn’t give a monkey’s.

After some frantic hoovering, there was a peaceful hour while She faffed around doing important things on the laptop and I snored lightly in my chair.  Then She went to work and it was even more peaceful. I had a look round all the rooms, but the bathroom bin had been put into the bath (I know), the kitchen bin was outside the back door and all the bedroom doors were shut.  This was disappointing, and frankly unusual.

Poor Young Lad was forced to attend school football training last night, as he has been a little remiss in the sporting activity department since the cricket season ended.  Young Lad is going on a bldy expensive school football trip abroad next spring, and so it is ruddy well non-negotiable that he plays some sodding football between now and then.  Poor Young Lad.  He didn’t even have his football socks with him, but received no sympathy and was told to pull his black school socks up as far as they would go.

Not to be out-done, Lad has some school trips coming up too. One is a Biology study day that sounds utterly riveting.  The topics covered on this day include “the science of high altitude survival, the secret life of strange plants, a microscopic journey into the unseen”  and my personal favourite – “a practical guide to being a primate.” Lad is very, very excited about this trip.  

Lad’s other trip is to a Philosophy conference to consider Aristotle’s Virtue Ethics and Direct Realism.  There are no words.

Dear me, there was an attempt at a warming home-made cream of parsnip soup tonight.  It had the taste and colour of parsnips, in all fairness, but the consistency of baby food. Thick gloop doesn’t begin to describe it.  Nobody liked it much.  Really you would think by now the lesson had been learned – stick to what you know.  Fish fingers.

There was a need for some more fresh air after dinner apparently, so I was dragged out down to the river for a second time.  Young Lad was told to check for homework while we were out, and quelle surprise!  Young Lad says he hasn’t got any. It was nearly dark at the river and I can’t for the life of me see why I needed to be down there rather than in my chair.  There was a dog with one of those silly light-up collars, and I imagine mine will be coming out of the cupboard soon. Ridiculous.

I am at dear Pippa and Ebony’s for the rest of the week, Readers, such is the extent of my family’s love for me.  

Bye for now,





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