If you remember, I told you what was on the river this week, Readers. Just look at the nasty expression on its nasty face. All I did was climb down the bank to have a paddle and a drink, and whoosh! Across the water zooms this dreadful creature. The Bastard Swans haven’t been down there for MONTHS but they are now back and this annoys me intensely. It’s even more annoying when we have to stand still so She can take a photo.
It’s been a funny old week having Pack Leader at home and really rather like the olden days before She worked so much. I have done LOADS of bin emptying all over the shop – not just the bathroom bin but also that from Lad’s room (always an entertaining one) and the one from the downstairs loo. I tend to do this while She is on the school run in the morning and it’s really rather fun.
The downside to Pack Leader being here all week is that I keep being taken out for extra long walks. One per day is perfectly sufficient – I’ve told them that I don’t know how many times – but nobody listens and I’ve been dragged out every afternoon for a second two-miler. I am wasting away and there is virtually nothing left of me. Several people at the river have noticed and another nice lady said “Ooh Russell is looking very slim!” just today. Yes; for slim read under-nourished and over-walked. It’s not a good thing. So all in all we’ve been walking fast for 4-5 miles each day.
Yesterday, for a change of scene, I was put in the car and taken to local parkland where I was made to RUN up a hill very fast, and then march round the entire ruddy place for forty-five minutes. Normally I quite like it over at this parkland as it is a popular picnic area and there is usually loads of food on the ground. But of course this time it was drizzling and there was no bldy picnicking taking place. Pointless.
This morning’s walk took us into Top Field, where there was a dead rabbit on the ground. I wasn’t allowed to get near it, yet for some reason She spent ages standing over the corpse having a good look and digging around in it with my long pink ball flinger thing. There was a massive hole in the back of the rabbit’s neck, and while I’m sure it was anatomically very interesting to study a spine and base of a skull, it seems disrespectful to poor old Flopsy. Far too much time is spent watching 24 Hours in A&E or GPs Behind Closed Doors – the obsession with living or dead organisms is worrying.
It is also ironic that I wasn’t allowed to get close, when I am a HUNTING DOG. To make a point about this, I spotted a pheasant walking incredibly slowly across Top Field and thought about chasing it, but I decided to be charitable and not bother. This is NOT because I didn’t stand a cat’s chance in hell of catching it, and I don’t like the implication.
Well, today Lad and Young Lad have finished school for half term, and I’m very glad about this as it means the alarm won’t be going off at 6am. I will still need my comfort break at 5.30 of a morning but at least then I can go back to sleep for several hours. (This morning I had a moment of vomiting at 5.30 am, but by the time anyone staggered out of bed to check, I had eaten it back up and there was no sign.) It is important to recycle and do one’s bit for the environment.
Young Lad is very pleased to have a week off and is looking forward to lots of time on the sofa. Lad is very pleased to have a week off and is looking forward to lots of time in bed. Lad is out tonight, of course, with his friends in a town far away, to celebrate the beginning of half term, whilst Young Lad and She are cuddled up on the sofa ready for an evening of Chicago PD and Maltesers. I, of course, won’t be given a Malteser. Young Lad had Food Tech yesterday and made scone spirals – these looked good although She said he’d been a bit heavy-handed with the baking powder. Plus it’s unusual to put chocolate chips in scones but Young Lad is nothing if not creative.
I felt very sorry for Young Lad at 7am today, Readers. History homework was to make a revision resource about the English Civil War, and Young Lad had forgotten to do it, so rushed through the process in thirty seconds last night. This morning Young Lad was told that saying the start date, end date, the Roundheads weren’t happy and wanted power, and the Cavaliers weren’t happy and wanted power, smacked of insufficient effort. Poor Young Lad. There he was at silly o’clock this morning, being forced to write something halfway useful in terms of some facts. I feel this is too much to expect of anyone before they’ve watched any Youtube of a morning.
Last night I was home alone with He, Lad and Young Lad as She went to the cinema with Loadsakids. Normally this is against the rules on a school night, but Loadsakids said she was happy to make an exception for Bradley Cooper – I’ve no idea – and so they rather daringly went OUT ON A THURSDAY. It didn’t end well, Readers, as nobody had told She and Loadsakids that the film’s finale was less than cheerful, and there was a lot of pathetic snivelling. Good grief. It’s a film for the love of God.
Lad is in for a surprise when he gets home tonight. His bedroom has been deep-cleaned. This took a very long time and required grit and patience. Readers, I have never seen Lad’s bedroom look so much like a bedroom. There are two cardboard boxes full of crap which poor Lad will be ordered to sort out, and – I can’t quite believe this – the Christmas lights from last year that were meant to go up in the roof except that no bugger has bothered to do it. This is NOT Lad’s fault and he should not be made to sort out boxes that contain festive nonsense from ten months ago.
The standards in this house sink lower and lower.
Meghan Markle has been doing yoga on Bondi Beach today. I would love to do yoga with Meghan, and I do a particularly good downward dog pose, if I say so myself. It’s true that I frequently fart when doing this, but I like to think that Meghan doesn’t.
I’m exhausted from all the extra walks and not being allowed to examine the dead rabbit.
See you soon,