If I hear “WHOOOOOA!! YOU’RE A BIG BOY!” much more I will scream. No, this does not follow on from the previous blog called Playful. It refers to the ridiculous high-pitched voice and gasp when yet another large spider is spotted on the wall or wandering around the kitchen. I have lost count of how many of the damned things have been trapped under a pint glass and thrown over the man-over-the-back’s fence. Clearly the same large spider is simply coming back in time and time again, but nobody seems to have realised this. It is so tiresome, and shows once more that the conkers are faulty.
I know this as one of my Readers has told me that her conkers have been incredibly successful at keeping out the arachnids this year – this is because my Reader collected royal conkers from somewhere called Sandringham, and they are simply a better class of horse chestnut. Common ones from down by the river are not in the same league and have done bugger all to keep out the spiders.
Yesterday was terrific fun – I haven’t had a day like it for ages. She wasn’t at work and thought She had tired me out with a four mile walk in the morning; thus I was left for a couple of hours while She went to Q & B for an excellent product called No More Nails, and thrilling things like that. Despite the fact that I had benefited from her company ALL DAY up to this point, as soon as the coast was clear I reverted to my usual behaviour. In the space of two hours I trashed Young Lad’s bed, scratching the duvet up into a messy heap, then I did the same to another bed and chucked the pillows on the floor. Next I emptied the bin in Young Lad’s room and chewed up some tissues, carefully spitting bits over the blue carpet. Bored of the upstairs rooms, I went down to the kitchen and opened a cupboard – BINGO! Behind a big pile of carrier bags (which I swept onto the floor) was a bone! What a result. It was in a plastic wrapper but this was easy to rip off, so I helped myself and chewed up the bone on the lounge carpet. The plastic wrapping I hid under the dining room table. I haven’t had fun like this for ages.
I was absolutely exhausted by the evening and really didn’t need a second walk over the Rec after tea, though I was buoyed on by the thought of maybe bumping into Zach and trying some more coital gymnastics. Zach wasn’t there. This was disappointing. I hope Zach isn’t trying to avoid me.
There is a horrid smell in here tonight, Friends, and for once it doesn’t come from me. Lad has taken to drinking glasses of milk as the protein will help him ‘bulk up’ or some such nonsense, but sadly his sense of coordination was a little off-centre the other day and he spilled the whole glass on the carpet. Now, sour milk odour is second only to that of bad anal glands, and I’m sure you know Readers that it’s a bugger to get out of soft furnishings. The very handy book we have called “Vinegar – 1001 uses” has been consulted, and vast quantities of diluted white vinegar have been sprayed over the carpet. This failed. Next Google was consulted, and vast quantities of Bicarbonate of Soda have been thrown over the carpet. This too has failed but not for want of trying. “Linda” on the checkout in Tesco asked if She is doing lots of baking this week, so numerous have been the purchases of Dr Oetker baking ingredients.
Anyway, the carpet still stinks and it will be weeks before it’s gone.
I had a marvellous walk this morning – there were hundreds of friends down there on the 9.30am slot, and also a couple of things that are NOT my friends. Yes, Readers, the Bastard Swans have put in an appearance! Lord only knows where they’ve been for the last few months but it’s been so lovely being able to meander along without running the risk of being attacked by the evil sods. But no more – back they are, and didn’t they give me a filthy look. Hate them.
We wandered up through Top Field as this is safely away from the Bastard Swans, but even this was traumatic. Up ahead of me were those three collies that have terrorised me in the past, with their nasty smiles, wagging tails and tennis balls. I was rooted to the spot and simply couldn’t follow She up the hill as this entailed going past the three collies. Friends I was scared for my life, and stood there awkwardly shifting from one paw to the other, for quite a while. There was no sympathy of course, just lots of shouting at me to grow a pair. Whatever that means.
Young Lad is enjoying the fact that She isn’t working this week as it means he is collected from school and doesn’t have an obscenely long walk home via the BP garage with its range of unhealthy snacks. Young Lad has started collecting other Young Lads and offering them lifts with him, so this makes up for some of the atrocious dumping with other parents that goes on here on a regular basis. Due to all these random school pupils that are now in the car, She felt compelled to hoover and clean it out today and I have to say, not before time. The mess that Lad and his friends had made in the car during the long journey to and from Pork Tharpe the other day was shocking. Haribos, Tangfastics, drinks containers….why am I NEVER given treats like this?
Lad has a Biology test on Thursday and an email has been sent to She to remind him of this. (Hearts sink as soon as an email from Lad’s school is spotted in the Inbox, but today’s was nicer than the usual ones.) Lad has been told about the thoughtful email from his Biology teacher, and the test on Thursday, but Lad cannot be ‘arsed’ to do any revision tonight as he has had a long day. I know how he feels. Poor Lad. Far too much is expected of him.
He is very busy on the laptop this evening- he has been busy on the laptop for several evenings now. I have no idea what He is doing but it is very involved. Poor He.
Tomorrow there is a small chance that She will be popping over to John Lewis for a bit of what-I-can’t-afford self-flagellation, although there might be another go at Loadsakids’ game of can you buy anything for under a fiver. If so, I intend to play up at home because it was such a laugh yesterday, and today all I’ve managed to do is throw her red rain jacket on the floor to look through the pockets. Mind you, I have created some fun in the garden as there are lots of leaves down which makes looking for my comfort breaks quite tricky, and putting the washing out today was like Russian Roulette. I’ve deliberately changed the locations of my comfort breaks too, which makes them harder to find amongst the leaves. It does make me laugh.
Readers, Meghan Markle is in Australia. I feel sure that she took my book with her to read on the flight for it is a BLDY LONG FLIGHT I’ve been told, and I like to think of Meghan smiling and giggling away at my words to pass the tedious time, especially the bit over Russia which goes on for days.
Readers, Meghan Markle is also expecting a baby. This is marvellous news, as Beagles are extremely good with small children because we stop them over-eating – as soon as a small child has food in their hand we simply snatch it away to ensure they don’t become obese. I would be an excellent guardian for Meghan’s child and I may well write her another letter, offering my services.
Golly I’m exhausted.
Bye for now,