Here I am last night, Readers, looking very pleased with myself and slightly the worse for wear. It was Lad’s birthday yesterday. On Lad’s birthday last year I celebrated with him by eating his entire three-layered 10 inch chocolate cake that She had lovingly made. It hadn’t been pushed far enough back on the worktop and I managed to pull it off and eat the entire lot. Regular Readers will know that a £300 vet bill followed this, due to tests to check that I hadn’t poisoned myself. I hadn’t.
This year I decided to be less greedy and contented myself with snatching one large triangle of chocolate birthday cake that had been put on the table for He as He came home from work. Sadly He wasn’t quick enough in taking off his shoes and getting to the table before me. With one fell swoop it was down. It was quite nice, but in all honesty it lacked the excitement of the three tiers and ten inches of last year. This was merely one tier and a basic sandwich tin size. A poor effort, really, and Lad deserves better.
So I was somewhat dopey after this large sugar and cocoa fest but quite proud of myself for having more self-discipline than last year.
Yesterday morning I went for a lovely long walk in the sunshine, and who did I bump into but Colin the Cockapoo. Now I haven’t seen young Colin for a while and had forgotten how much he wants to play with me, and how little I want to play with him. I had to make it perfectly clear that I was not up for chasing around playing silly beggars. Further on in the field, I found a blackbird’s egg shell on the ground and crunched it up. It was a very small appetiser but beggars can’t be choosers.
It was a smashing walk in warm sunshine and we met several old friends of mine including the very gorgeous Chuck, whose coat is glossier and fuller than ever. The only thing that got on my nerves was that on the way back, She insisted on helping a lady who had lost her spaniel. It was a close run thing, actually, as the pelvic floor was beginning to go and She wanted a cup of tea, but She tried to imagine how it would have felt if I had been lost – this wasn’t difficult as I have frequently run off and it’s taken half a panic-stricken hour to find me. So we had to talk to the lady to get a good description (a black spaniel – there are hundreds of them) and then start hunting around for the ruddy thing. It really was quite unexciting and I was longing to get home to my chair.
Eventually we spotted a black spaniel running around up by the woods and returned the silly thing to it’s careless Pack Leader. So that was our good deed for the week done. I hope.
I couldn’t wait for Lad to come home from school so that he could open his cards and two presents – the anticipation must have been killing him – as I know that this tradition is always accompanied by tea and cake. Plus of course She has to carefully record everything in the special notebook which ran out of room on Young Lad’s last birthday, so a second one has been found. Surely Lad is not expected to write thank you letters at his age?? He has Philosophy to do for heavens’ sake!!
Readers, I was in for something of a shock. No sooner had all the cards and two presents been opened, than my lead was put on me and I was dragged out to the car. Now, I have been experiencing some problems of the rear end type for a few days – I didn’t like to mention it – but I had no idea that a trip to the Evil Vet had been booked! It’s just been some leakage and unfortunate smell, and I simply don’t believe it necessitated such a trauma. But “you stink” was hurled at me, and there was much muttering about the stench of my anal glands taking over the house.
Oh I was terrified. I sat in the boot of the car and shook all the way there. Thank goodness it’s only a five minute drive. She had to drag me out of the car, and physically haul me into the Evil Vet’s waiting room where I sat in a very cowed position until it was My Turn. The only good thing was that the Evil Vet that saw me is called Laura and she is my favourite of the Evil Vets, as Laura is very gentle with a hypodermic needle and doesn’t tell me I’m not very brave. As it happens, Laura was quite gentle in squeezing my anal glands due to her small fingers, and whilst I had to be muzzled and I can’t say I enjoyed the experience, I didn’t scream and thrash around as much as usual.
Then of course She tried to sell my book to everyone while waiting for the bill, which I felt was rather inappropriate.
It was all very upsetting and not least for the next patient into Laura’s room, as it stunk of oily fish. The smell was truly shocking and I don’t know how they’ll ever get rid of it.
Once home, of course, they just dumped me on my own with Gingercat while they all went out for Lad’s birthday dinner at Plebzos. Young Lad was moaning a bit as Plebzos don’t do fish and chips, but he was told to stop whingeing as it wasn’t his birthday and anyway She had a voucher for 40% off main courses. And they were only to have a main course. The sense of fun and reckless abandonment in my house never ceases to amaze me. Naturally nobody brought me back a portion of main meal of any sort, which was disappointing but not entirely unexpected.
Then the birthday boy was truly blessed as he had to crack on with some homework at 9pm, day of celebration or not. Poor Lad.
Readers, I had another terribly disturbed night. I felt a little queasy in the night at 1.15am, and started making the glp glp glp noises that indicate I’m about to chunder, so I was shoved downstairs to make it as far as the wooden floor in the hall before anything happened. In fact I made it to the kitchen and then had a good old barf in the garden. It was lovely out there at 1.20am and I would like to have stayed and taken in the night-time ambience but I was shouted at and made to come back in. Then, Friends, at 3am, Young Lad’s alarm clock went off again! Yes! This is the second time this has happened recently and to be frank it’s getting on my nerves. How hard can it be? The strange thing is that Young Lad, who was sleeping right next to the bldy alarm clock, didn’t hear a thing and it was down to Pack Leader to go stomping in and turn the bldy thing off. So there was much moaning about having been out of bed twice by 3am. Tell me about it!
I’ve been at dear, dear Pippa’s house today and have thoroughly enjoyed myself with nice people who give a damn, so I am pleasantly sleepy tonight. I just hope I am allowed ONE indisturbed night of slumber! Honestly, you wouldn’t get all this stress in Meghan’s house.
See you soon,