Well, how nice of them! My family have finally deigned to come home from their Amazing Trip and I am back home. You can see how excited I am about this. Readers, I am so sorry that you have had no blog for three and a half weeks, and I can hear the sighs of relief and muted cheers from you all now, as you realise there is a blog this evening. I will do my best to entertain you, as I know I’ve been missed.
My family actually got home last evening, after a bldynightmare fortybldythree hours of travelling blah blah blah, but that’s the price you pay for choosing to go as far away from me as is geographically possible for three weeks. Tough. Had they popped up to Suffolk they wouldn’t have had this problem and could have taken me with them, but there you go. Did they come rushing down to Grandma’s house to collect me last night, Readers, desperate to see me? They did not. It was deemed too far to drive after fortybldythree hours of travelling, and so I stayed at Grandma’s for an extra evening. This was lovely and I slept on her bed.
I am not going to bore you with details of their Amazing Trip, as I couldn’t give a monkey’s, to be honest. The only part I’m interested in is that She and Young Lad were both bitten on the backside by my distant cousin called Majic. It seems it stings a bit, when a bull mastiff takes the flesh of one’s rear end in its teeth. Good. Serves them right. Look, it’s a simple question of following instructions – they had all been told that everyone has to walk backwards out of a room as otherwise Majic bites bottoms. Young Lad and She clearly didn’t listen properly or follow this basic advice. Fair play to Majic – I wish I’d seen it! I would have laughed so much.
Really and truly I’d been hoping for some interesting incidents with deadly monster spiders or snakes, to serve them right for leaving me. This didn’t happen. Apart from a mediocre cockroach and a couple of lizards, there was no scary wildlife to make them regret abandoning me. Humph.
Anyway, enough of them. I’ve had a wonderful three weeks at Grandma’s house, where I have behaved impeccably and been tremendous company. Grandma has LOVED having me there, and will miss me greatly. I will miss her, too, as she is far less shouty than anyone here, and actually bothers to notice me. I’ve spent my days dozing in a comfortable chair, having early morning and evening walks due to the extreme temperatures ( please notice how much Grandma considers my welfare), and my nights have been spent spread out on her bed. I have allowed her a little room on the edge. One day Grandma took me to visit one of her friends, and together they used a pincer movement to put some ear drops in my ear, but I didn’t try to bite their hands off as this would have been rude.
He drove down this morning to collect me. I was quite excited to see him as I had forgotten, after three weeks, that I actually have a family, and I got out of my chair to give him a nice welcome. This involved running around making whinnying noises and putting my paws round his neck. I know, this was uncharacteristically demonstrative of me!
So back home we drove, and I was very excited to get inside my home and see everyone after all this time. Well, I was excited to run straight to the garden to see if the Stupid Starlings had dropped any food off the bird table. Then I said hello to Lad and Young Lad, and we all made a fuss of each other. Lad was supposed to be cutting the grass, but was terribly tired from doing the back lawn and needed a sit- down on the Xbox before attempting the front. Young Lad was washing out the suitcases with a hose and had put a few things in the dishwasher. Young Lad, too, needed a sit- down. Jet lag is a terrible thing.
Now, would you think Pack Leader would have been here to welcome me home? You would, wouldn’t you? But no, Readers, in between six loads of washing, ruddy Tesco and sorting out ruddy prescriptions/medications for Lad and Young Lad, She found the time to pop out for lunch with a couple of friends. This beggars belief. Surely any self-respecting dog owner would be here, waiting by the door for their four-legged friend, rather than catching up over an egg and watercress sandwich. I was hurt by this – but was mightily cheered when I heard the problems She had finding her way home. Some workmen thought it would be very amusing to shut a road while She was having lunch, so that She couldn’t get back the way She came, and this combined with jet lag resulted in half an hour of driving aimlessly and badly round country lanes, trying to find a way out. Ha.
Do you know what has annoyed me since being home? I found out that when they returned from their fortybldythree hour journey last night, they walked in and found a home-cooked lasagne waiting for them in the fridge, plus a fish pie, plus a home-made coffee and walnut cake! What the actual heck! When I returned home today, what was waiting for me? You’re right. Diddly squat. Oh, actually, that’s not strictly true as there was a tiny portion of reduced price roast turkey from Tesco in the fridge. Gingercat and I have to share this. Generous to the last.
I did cheer up when She said it was time for my walk, and we headed down to the river. I haven’t been there for so long! The minute I was off the lead, I ran and ran in my slightly uncoordinated way to check out the food situation. Before long, we met NiceTallLadyWithTheStaffie and she called across the field, to tell us that she has just bought a copy of my book! Marvellous; it’s nice when people appreciate great writing. Her staffie, Molly, had been a little subdued recently when they had a house full of guests, and there was a long, dull discussion with Pack Leader about how we sensitive creatures don’t like our routines changed. Molly and I were bored senseless by this, and wandered off. Still, I’m very chuffed that a copy of my book is being enjoyed this very evening.
On the way back, I suddenly stopped and put my nose up in the air. Somewhere, across the long, long grass, there was a smell so rank it was divine. I bolted like a bullet from a gun towards the longest part of the grass, and sure enough, there was something Dead. Ignoring the screams of “RUSSELL, NO!!” I grabbed the offending item and ate it. Good Lord it stunk. I’m not quite sure whether it was rat, mouse, shrew or fish, such was the state of it, but I enjoyed it.
Of course I was then put back on the lead. Further on we bumped into Rocco the Inspirational Three-Legged Labrador, and naturally we had to stop to make a fuss of him and tell him how Inspirational he is. Now, Rocco’s Pack Leader works in the Travel Industry, so of course there was then a lengthy and dreary discussion of the Amazing Trip and the bldynightmare fortybdlythreehours of travel to get home. Rocco and I were so bored.
Well, I suppose it is nice to be home, really. Things have gone back to normal very quickly – Lad, after having a rest on the Xbox, found enough energy to go and meet his friends in a town far away, and Young Lad, after having a rest on the sofa, found enough energy to go into town to buy a new game for the Xbox. I’ve had my head in the dishwasher to clear the plates after dinner, and it’s as if I’ve never been away.
Now look, judging by August’s disappointing sales figures, there are a lot of you that still haven’t bought my book. Never mind the whole “we’re away on holiday” thing – Amazon is only a click away and can be accessed from the beach, sunlounger, bar, up a mountain, whatever. And now that She has worked out the “expanded distribution” tab on her account, I’m even available on Amazon Australia!! Yes! So that is worldwide. Those of you that have already bought it – thank you. If you enjoyed it, tell someone else.
Golly I’m exhausted. All this travelling is tiring. I do hope Grandma will be ok without me tonight.
Bye for now,