Lie-in

20180408_090257 This diagram, Readers, shows what a pleasant start to the day it was today.  Gingercat and I decided to go back to bed after our 6am comfort break and breakfast, and have another forty winks or so.  You can see that I have carefully placed my floppy ear so that I cannot hear anyone shouting get off the bldyJohnLewis duvet cover, or anything like that.  It was extremely comfortable and I only wish every day started like this. 

It’s been a nice weekend on the whole, though I have been moaned at a lot.  Yesterday morning’s walk was epic, as I found no less than three piles of cack in which to roll; one near the river and two in Top Field.  She was furious with me as I had grey green streaks all over my back and under my neck.  It had to happen, really, as right at the beginning of my walk I saw Teddy the Copper Australian Labradoodle, and a comment was made about how clean I looked. Not for long.  I was dragged home with loads of tutting, and had to be put in the bath yet again.  I cannot believe that the Value Shampoo that I told you about in one of the first blogs, STILL hasn’t run out!  So anyway, I then stank of wet dog and was made to sit in the garden in my bed.  Luckily the sun was out briefly and dried me off fractionally.  Young Lad came out in the garden to play football again, and kicked another ball over the fence.  He had to amuse himself by seeing if he could throw a tennis ball in through the very small bathroom window at the top of the house.  Of course he couldn’t, but it kept him out in the fresh air for twenty minutes.

Readers, I have spent some time reading through all my blogs, from the very first one up to the present.  A few things have struck me.  

1)  There seems to be too much mention of my flatulence.

2) The Christmas lights mentioned somewhere in February have still not made it up to the loft, and are still dumped in Lad’s bedroom.

3)  The shark jigsaw (December/January) never has been finished and has been given up on.

4) I can’t believe you find all this drivel interesting.

 

Anyway, it was a pleasant trip down memory lane for me, as I read each entry and corrected some shocking typos. 

Being Saturday yesterday, there was some hope that Young Lad might find something to do and actually leave the house for a while.  He hasn’t been out of the house since last week’s cinema and Pizza Express trip, apart from the unfortunate incident on Friday, which I won’t go into.  But Young Lad appears to be extremely happy doing bugger all at home, and stayed here all day.  Lad also stayed here all day, but at least he was revising.  There was an offer to take them out for tea and cake somewhere in the afternoon, which was politely declined by both.  Notice that nobody offered to take me out for tea and cake, and I wouldn’t have declined.

He was out somewhere all afternoon, but Young Lad and She decided to make a large healthy curry for dinner, not realising that He would have eaten.  Thus the large curry was far too large.  Young Lad had a huge appetite thankfully – it must have been all that hanging round the house all day – and ate two large naan bread as well as the curry, rice and popadums. They watched a bit of the Commonwealth Games in the evening, for want of anything else to do, and there was some oohing and aahing about the vault gymnasts and their amazing bldy upper body strength!  I found it incredibly dull, to be frank.  I was quite tired, anyway, having been taken for a second walk, which was mostly on the lead as I had been bathed and was not allowed to roll in any stuff again.  It was marvellous down there late afternoon – so many friends were out walking!  Not only Jake the gun dog, and dear Chuck, but no – both my very best friends were down there, in the shape of dear Pippa and dear Ebony.  We were all very well behaved, but apparently the naughty kittens that live with Ebony have been appalling.  They are well known in our area, for stealing items of clothing from people’s washing lines and laundry baskets. (They once ran off with Lad’s Cub Scout uniform, during the extremely brief period he was in the Cubs.)  This time, it seems, the naughty kittens had stolen a Liverpool football kit from some children over the road.  That is less embarrassing than the underwear they frequently bring home, however – and imagine what a fun game it is, for Ebony’s Pack Leader to work out whose knickers belong to which neighbour so she can return them.

I digress, but the point I’m making is that cats can behave abysmally as well, when they feel like it.

This morning, then, started well and all was peaceful.  She “popped into town” but Homeless Guy wasn’t outside Sainsbury’s today, so that’s £1.50 saved.  Then I had my two mile morning walk, and yet again, I found plenty of cack to cover my neck, ears and face with.  The foxes have been busy down there.  We went up into Top Field, where I met NicedogwalkerLady and her husband, who had to be shown all the cack plastered over my neck.  There is no need to draw attention to it like this.  NicedogwalkerLady’s husband tried to explain the scientific reason that dogs roll in fox poo, but She refused to believe it and said I do it to wind her up.

We looked after the Cockapoo from next door for a while when I got home – he didn’t jump on me as much as usual, so may be learning his lesson, the little pup.  However, to give me some peace, He and Young Lad kindly took the Cockapoo out for a walk over the rec, so I could have a doze. Then it was Sunday lunch which smelled good, but the tray of roast potatoes wasn’t dropped on the floor this time with lots of bad language, unfortunately. That was epic, last week. This afternoon He, Lad and Young Lad all went to the pub to watch Wet Sham.  The mind boggles.  I went for another walk – much more fun.

Sunday evening, Readers – I do love Sunday evenings.  Soon there will be Sunday tea, followed by chilling out on the sofa in front of the telly.  I have most of the sofa, of course.

I think there has been another technical hitch with Facebook again and my blogs haven’t posted there for a couple of days.  This really isn’t good enough and She needs to sort it out.

Bye for now,

Russell

Danger

0511-0812-2901-5536_Spry_Old_Woman_Running_With_a_Walker_clipart_image Readers, there was very nearly a Terrible Incident at our house yesterday.  There is a lady of, er, advancing years who chooses to stand outside my house, waiting for a lift, every so often.  This is unacceptable.  Yesterday morning, I was happily sitting on the sofa looking out the window and pondering the day ahead, when down the road she came.  Slowly.  Then she stopped, right by our front garden, where she sometimes waits for someone to give her a lift.  Now, this lady has white hair, a walking stick, AND a shopping bag.  I find all of these things rather sinister.   I barked ferociously at her, baying loudly, to tell her I was On Guard and not to Try Any Nonsense.  Then, Readers, she shifted her walking stick to the other hand.  This signified an Imminent Attack, so I went even more ballistic.  As for putting her shopping bag down on the pavement in that aggressive way…..well, I was beside myself. Young Lad and She tried rugby tackling me to the floor and telling me to button it, but I was not going to stop all the time that Threat was outside.  Thankfully her friend turned up to collect her, but I was very unhappy about how long it took her to get into the car.  I don’t know why everyone kept shouting at me – I was protecting them from harm!

Conversely, today I was perfectly happy to have two large Paramedics in the house in their Dark Green Uniforms and equipment bags with beeping machines that could easily be explosives.  Did I bark aggressively at them?  No, Readers, I did not.  Because I can sense what REAL danger is, and it was the lady who was 75 if she was a day, yesterday.  So I bounced up the the Paramedics, wagging my tail, and sat on their feet, while they made a big fuss of me.  Isn’t he adorable, they said.  Sorry, what’s that?  You want to know why we had Paramedics in the house?  It’s hardly a big deal.  Oh all right, Young Lad had one of his funny turns.  There’s ALWAYS someone in this house having some sort of medical crisis – they are very attention-seeking.  Young Lad is fine, blah blah blah, they always are in the end.  Anyway, back to me.  I enjoyed my few minutes with the paramedics who were far more interested in me than Young Lad’s funny turn.  Understandably.  But if that elderly lady waits for her lift outside my house again, I will give her what for.  I know trouble when I see it.

Yesterday was a lovely day – the warmest of the year so far.  The sun came out and I could feel it on my back as I lay in the garden.  Gingercat came outside  and I had a rare moment of levity in which I chased him from corner to corner – well, I ran at him and barked, but he stood still and looked unimpressed. I wanted him to run away in Terrible Fear, but he didn’t.  Disappointing.  Some gardening was carried out, and Lad was meant to be having a break from his Revision to do some gardening jobs, but decided to hang out with a friend instead.  I don’t blame him.  Young Lad came out to play football in the garden, but succeeded in kicking the ball two houses away over the back, so that was the end of that. Not one to give up, he played with the frisbee, but threw that over the fence as well.  It was suggested he play Boules, as there is less chucking/kicking over the fence involved, but he said that was lame.  Later on She and Young Lad went shopping to get his feet measured, which is a bldyhideous experience every bldyschoolholiday apparently.  It was suggested that they stop for coffee afterwards as a treat for Young Lad (sorry for whom?) but Young Lad was having none of it and they came home.  In the meantime, I had found Young Lad’s school bag in his bedroom, and raided it.  Surprisingly, there was no food whatsoever in it, so I pulled out the plastic case in which his maths equipment is kept, and ripped it up.  It was something to do.

It was like Piccadilly Circus here yesterday afternoon. Lovelydor from down the road popped in with a present for me – what a kind woman she is.  It was some rather lovely dog food.  At the same time, Lovelyneighbourontheright popped round with their young cockapoo to show us his new haircut.  I wasn’t interested. I was very interested, though, in Lovelydor’s present for me.

I had a super walk at the river yesterday in the warm sunshine, and we marched round Top Field to the rhythm of Music of The Night, from Phantom of The Opera.  Nope, no idea.  I’m sure the original had quite a slow, mellow rhythm but yesterday’s version was much faster and stompy. I got my own back by running off into the bushes, and refusing to come out for ages.  There was some mild panic, as the whistle was lost a few weeks ago, and feeble shouting of, “biscuit!”  doesn’t quite do it.  I took my time, eating whatever cack I’d found, and wandered slowly back to her when I was good and ready.  Needless to say I was put on the lead and told off.

Dinner last night involved left-over apple crumble.  It had been hoped that Young Lad would make the apple crumble, as he had made such a success of it in Food Tech at school, but Young Lad was disinclined to, due to the injuries sustained making apple crumble at school.  He had peeled half his finger alongside the apples, another boy cut his finger quite deeply, and a girl had to be sent home as her apple crumble injuries were so severe.  This has slightly put Young Lad off making it again.  Next up in Food Tech at school is Tomato Soup.  This is worrying as I imagine the tomatoes have to be peeled.

After dinner last night I was dragged round the rec for my second walk of the day.  This added an extra mile to our Exercise Quotient and was quite unnecessary.  Still, I showed willing and chased the tennis ball when flung from the pink ball flinger thing.  Twice, then lost interest.  Once home, He curled up on the sofa with me, which was much more my cup of tea.

Luckily I had JUST returned from my lovely long walk this morning, when Young Lad had one of his turns.  So at least I didn’t lose out on Me Time.  And thankfully nobody had the energy to drag me over the rec this evening.  It was Pizza night, after all, and now everyone is happily on the sofa apart from Lad, who is happily on the Xbox.  Lad has done five hours of revision today so deserves to chill out, if you ask me.   And She seems to think she deserves her friend Gordon, and He is about to open a nice bottle of red.  What do I get?  Sweet FA.

Bye for now,

Russell

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Potato Waffles

20180404_133142 In this diagram, Readers, you can clearly see me helping out with the recycling.  What I do, is take the potato waffle box down the garden and rip it into tiny pieces, which blow all over the place.  This makes it easier to fill the recycling bags as you can fit more in if the box is ripped into millions of pieces rather than whole and bulky, and is therefore More Economical on Recycling Bags.  Do I get any thanks for this?  Of course not.  Plus there is the Exercise Quotient involved in going round the garden picking up all the pieces.  I really don’t know why I bother to help.

Yesterday was a funny old day with a lot of to-ing and fro-ing.  Well, Lad and I stayed put most of the day, with him seated at the table doing bldyrevision, and me curled up in my chair having a kip.  Young Lad had been promised a Day Out with his Friends, so was taken to the cinema followed by Pizza Express.  I would have liked Pizza Express.  You can smell the garlic from the car park.  So She was in and out all day giving lifts  to and collecting people, but I was taken out for a good walk in between all this.  We had a cracking walk at the river, where I very nearly caught my own dinner!  I told you that the fields have flooded – well, this seems to have confused the local ducks, who have taken to sitting in the water in the middle of the field, instead of on the river.  They didn’t notice me creep up, then break into a sprint towards them – I tell you, one only missed  my open mouth by a hair’s breadth!  That was definitely the closest I’ve come to catching something.   I was  very proud of myself, and there was no need to shout at me in that fishwife manner. We marched on into Far Field – I actually wanted to go to Top Field  yesterday, and stood on the bridge defiantly, but was ignored.  It was a relatively nice walk, and at nearly two miles was ample.  There was no need for the further one mile power walk round the rec as well.  I will be fading away to nothing soon.

It was quite a peaceful evening last night – as Lad had managed five hours of revision during the day, he let his hair down on the Xbox all evening.  Young Lad complained there was  nothing to watch on TV, and there was a lot of channel hopping, which I find irritating.  They eventually settled on the X Files, which was ridiculous.  He and I both found this dreadful, and fell asleep.

This morning, She left early to go and meet her good friend Chelseagirl for “brunch.”  This, apparently, is a combination of breakfast and lunch and takes place mid-morning.  Good grief.  I had to hear all about the wonderful ‘brunch’ that was eaten – ooh, a plate of smoked salmon, scrambled eggs, artisan toast…..Eggs Benedict…..”  Readers, I would have enjoyed this too, and really didn’t need to hear about it.  To be honest, it’s a bit insensitive when all I’ve had is a scoop of low fat kibble.  He stayed home from work for some of the morning, to look after Young Lad and enable her to meet Chelseagirl.  From what I gather, they spent most of the time when they weren’t stuffing their mouths with brunch, comparing stories of teenagers, family life and pets.  Chelseagirl has a similar version of Lad.  You wouldn’t think there could be two, really, would you.  There was a lot of tutting and shaking of heads, and Chelseagirl said wise things like The World’sgonemad.  They also did a lot of remembering backintheday.  It sounds like they had a blast. Luckily, He, Lad and Young Lad had a peaceful morning here with me, and no such analysis of Life In Today’s Society was carried out.  Lad was too busy with his headphones on revising, Young Lad was on the Xbox, and He did the ironing and read the paper.

homepage This diagram shows her brunch.

Kibbles_How_Others_See_Me This diagram shows my brunch. Which would you prefer, Readers?  Exactly.

Anyway, I was eventually taken out for a good walk this afternoon.  It was sunny when we left home, if a tadge windy, but This Is April, Friends, and within seconds the sun disappears and one is caught in a downpour.  This happened several times, and I was drenched.  Things looked up when I bumped into dear Teddy, though he and I became very bored when both Pack Leaders stood chatting for ages about somewhere called Barcelona. It was dreary beyond belief, and I had no choice but to start begging for treats from Teddy’s Pack Leader.  I stood and stared at her pocket for ages and stamped my feet, then jumped up at her, plastering her nice jacket with mud.  Eventually I was noticed, and was given a treat.   Coming back up the hill, I saw dear, dear Ebony’s Pack Leader by her car and rushed to give her a welcome.  I miss going to see them, during the school holidays, and was keen to go in their house, but was pulled away irritably.  I decided to get my own back, by biding my time carefully once we were home, then curling up on the red fleece on the sofa, when She wasn’t looking.  Don’t forget, Readers, that I had been soaked on our walk, and I’ve told you before what Wet Dog smells like.  So now the fleece, sofa and lounge smell of Wet Dog.   Should have let me go in to see Ebony!

There is Nothing Planned for Tomorrow, Readers.  This is unusual, in this house, and smacks of inefficiency.  Young Lad will be extremely bored once his time on the Xbox is up in the morning, as there is NOTHING TO DO in our house.  The four hundred books and room full of board games/toys are lame, apparently.  There is NOTHING TO DO and NOTHING TO EAT in our house. I can only hope Young Lad goes to hang out with his friends at Dreggs or somewhere similar.  Poor Young Lad.  Neither he nor Lad have bothered to get dressed today.  Slovenly, isn’t it.

Bangers and mash for tea tonight, Friends, and apple crumble.  Though not for everyone, as that brunch was very filling!!  Mine wasn’t.

See you soon,

Russell

Bank holiday bath

cartoon-dog-bath-illustration-taking-47296803Readers, the mention of a Family Walk in HartyFarty Forest was no joke!  Yes, a mere two years after the unfortunate incident with the stag, I was allowed to go back yesterday.  Oh it was glorious, I can’t tell you.  Well I can tell you, and will do so shortly.  Earlier in the morning, He went into work for a couple of hours, and She took me for a walk by the river as usual.   This was wholly unnecessary, bearing in mind the plan for HartyFartyForest in the afternoon, but it was decided we should have a two mile Power Walk in the morning, in case it rained and we didn’t make it out in the afternoon.  How ridiculous.  To be fair, it was lovely down at the river, and I saw many friends.  Well,  first of all I had to negotiate my way past Rufus The German Shepherd on the path – he was standing across the path staring at me, much like Gus the Pug did yesterday, albeit a lot bigger.  So I dithered around, hopping from foot to foot again, unsure how to get past.  Luckily I found a detour that took me through some very dense bushes – it was rather scratchy, but meant I didn’t get near enough Rufus for him to kill me.

Further on, there was a large pack of dogs including my dear friend Chuck.  However, Chuck’s coat was not gleaming and silky in the sunlight as usual – in fact I barely recognised him.  Chuck has had a rather severe haircut.  He looked thin and less lustrous than normal.  Poor Chuck.  Chuck’s Pack Leader asked why we weren’t in church on this Easter Sunday morning, which was a good point to be fair, but She feels lots of spiritual uplifting is achieved by our peaceful walks, at one with nature, in the fresh air. What a load of rubbish.  We marched on into Far Field where I yet again failed to find anything in which to roll.  (Don’t worry, I  made up for it later.)

Back home, Lad was struggling out of bed with a cup of tea and Young Lad was trying to find something to do.  Not very hard.  A Big Sunday Lunch was cooked with Yorkshire puddings and the works.  It smelled gorgeous.  Sadly the Yorkshireburnt, but the roast potatoes were just the right shade of golden with lots of crispy bits on.  To my delight the tray of roast potatoes was dropped as it was removed from the oven – you can imagine the language – and two splatted onto the floor.  They weren’t there long. And then, Readers, it was Time To Go!!  We all piled into the car – although Lad was sent back indoors to change his designer trainers for welly boots – and off we went.  Oh I had been longing to go back.  As soon as I was let off the lead, I raced across bumpy hillocks and enormous cow pats – joy written all over me.  The smells!  There was unmistakable Deer smell right from the word go.  Obviously Lad and Young Lad wanted to head for the Forest Cafe first, and I was told off for trying to eat chip ends and crumbs lying around. Lad and Young Lad were disappointed not to be bought portions of chips, as they had just had bldyRoastdinner, and had to make do with a diet coke between them.  They didn’t look happy.  Then it was time for the Proper Walk across the Wild Part of the Forest, being careful not to Get Lost (as that has happened before.)  Readers, I remembered the EXACT spot in which I saw the stag  two years ago.  The EXACT spot.  I pride myself on attention to detail like this.  Up till this point, I had been allowed to run free, but as soon as I put my nose to the ground and started sprinting like the 2.30 at Epsom, I was intercepted and put on the lead. Very, very disappointing.

20180401_153047 In this diagram, you can clearly see me staring into the part of the forest in which I saw the stag two years ago.  How I wanted to get in there, and recreate that twenty five minutes of chasing a huge Royal Stag round the forest at full speed, making strange wild dog baying sounds, and being chased and screamed at by Lad and She.  But oh no, Readers, I have been put on the lead at this point, to make sure I can’t show them up again.  For goodness’ sake.  I’m a hunting dog!!  However, this diagram also shows how completely waterlogged the forest was, so by the end of our two and a half miles of walking, I was absolutely filthy, plus I found a huge pile of green cack to roll in, and plastered it all along my back.  This was funny and served them right for putting me on the lead.  They had been thinking of “stopping at the pub” on the way home, but there was no way they could, once I was covered from head to foot in foul-smelling green slime.  Too funny.

I stopped laughing once we were home, however, as Lad and Young Lad were instructed to bath me.  To be fair to them, they did a good job and Lad even bleached the bath afterwards as it was black. I haven’t seen teamwork like this, amongst Lad and Young Lad, for years.  Ever, in fact.  Lad did the lifting and rinsing, whilst Young Lad did the shampooing.  They didn’t find the need to hit each other or call each other cretins, for the whole time!  Remarkable.  This bonhomie had started in the forest, where they lagged behind by about half a mile and discussed Xbox games.  Dull beyond belief, but no thumping or  name-calling.  I was sent to my bed to dry off, as Wet Dog smell is only marginally better than Rolled In Green Cack smell, and a big Sunday tea was prepared, with home-made lemon drizzle bars (rubbish, didn’t rise,) and egg sandwiches. Plus the never-ending carrot sticks.  What a nice Easter Sunday, Readers. Peaceful and Family-centred.  I’m sure we can be forgiven for not going to church, and for choosing The Great Outdoors as our place of worship.

Today wasn’t quite so good, I have to say.  They went out for a pub lunch with Pretty AD and the rest of the family, and I was not invited.  Nope. Left here, on my own, while He tucked into Steak and Kidney Pie, Lad and Young Lad opted for Cod and Chips, and She splashed out on the Lemon Sole.  Utterly selfish.  All bedroom doors were closed, all bins removed, and I had nothing to do except look through the food cupboard, but couldn’t be bothered to pull out the tin foil today. Dull.

Readers, I hope you have had a pleasant Easter Weekend with lots of lovely special food to eat.  This has been sadly lacking for me.

Bye for now,

Russell

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