What goes around…

15714154-sorry-smiley-illustrationAppalling, Readers, appalling.  In last night’s blog there was a pithy comment about the pasta all over the lounge floor which had been hoovered up, rather than picked up, therefore clogging up the hoover.  Well.  This pithy comment was on the assumption that it was He, Lad or Young Lad that had hoovered it up.  But no!  It was Ebony’s Pack Leader, who out the kindness of  her wonderful heart, had tried to clear up my mess.  How ungrateful, Readers, and how rude to besmirch the unblemished character of Ebony’s Pack Leader.  I hope she never again  bothers to clear up any chaos that I’ve caused – it will serve them right.

But there was karma in the air today.  Ebony’s Pack Leader was away at something called Crufts, so we took Ebony out for a walk with us.  Initially She said Ebony was to stay on the lead as she has been known to run off, but up in Top Field, pity was taken on Ebony, who looked sad that she could only walk slowly and not run.  It’ll be ok, She thought, I’m sure Ebony will come back when I blow the whistle, She said.  Ebony had heard about the snippy Pasta comment last night on the blog, and decided to stand up for her Adored Pack Leader.  Also, she saw a pheasant in the field next door, so took off like the wind and didn’t look back.  “I’m sure Ebony will come back when I blow the whistle.”  Nah.  “Shout sausage?” Nope.  “Scream lookatthistastysnack?”  Nein.  Swear very Loudly and Badly, and run desperately through knee high mud and weeds in welly boots for HALF AN HOUR?  No.  And so, Readers, this is what happens when you slander somebody.  You spend your Sunday afternoon panting and sweating as you run uphill in the vain hope that you might catch up with a young, fit Bearded Pointer who was on a Mission.  Ebony finally slowed down to pick up a rabbit carcass, and ran off with the head, just as She, He and myself got tantalisingly close.  Off we went again, charging through the countryside, one of us dangling rabbits ears from our mouth.  A desperate and ungainly lunge was made, with more Bad Language, and Ebony was finally secured.  She and I looked at each other and cracked up. It really was very funny. 

We were marched back, both very muddy, and Ebony was delivered home with profuse apologies for the state of  her.  And for whatever the rabbit’s head does to her bowels. A top afternoon, Readers, and well deserved.

Dear Lord, it really has been a day. Being Sunday, we looked after Lovelyneighbourontheright’s cockapoo puppy, and being Sunday, it jumped all over my head and wanted to play.  I told it what I thought of this.  Then Gingercat got involved – he had been happily sitting in  front of the telly, as he likes to do as it annoys everyone, and the cockapoo puppy went bouncing up and jumped up at him.  Gingercat doesn’t tolerate this kind of jolly behaviour any more than I do, so thumped him.  Cockapoo puppy didn’t quite get the message, so it erupted into a full- on fight, which Lad had to end by separating them.  Young Lad very helpfully stood and watched.  I suspect this is what he does when there are fights at school.  Although possibly he films them on his phone. So eventually Cockapoo puppy went home, and peace was restored. On the plus side, the cockapoo puppy did manage to find a soft rugby ball that Young Lad lost several weeks ago, so Young Lad was very pleased.

Other than that, it’s been Homework afternoon, with Young Lad writing about a poem called Charlotte Dymond by Charles Causley, and learning facts about Britain.  I ask you.  Lad has been doing some Maths which makes a refreshing change from Chemistry, but I find them all very humdrum.  I can’t remember the last time Lad or Young Lad learned anything useful, such as how to get chopped tomato stains out of the carpet.  There was a break during the afternoon, Readers, when they all went out because it was Mother’s Day.  After much discussion, they went for a cream tea somewhere, and it might have been nice to invite me along, but nobody did.  I like the sound of scone, jam and cream, or the massive wedge of chocolate cake that Young Lad had, but no, I was left at home. And all the doors were shut so that I couldn’t bldygetuptoanything.  It was boring.  Then, because it was Mother’s Day,  a trip to SparksmeanMarks was made on the way back from the cream tea, as She didn’t want to bldycook tonight.  What an attitude.  Now, SparksmeanMarks have this excellent thing called Dine In for £10, Readers, which gives you a main meal, side dish, pudding and bottle of wine for er, let me think, £10.  What value. and the best part of this is that these are all ready meal type things that lazy busy people  bung in the oven, so there are lots of plastic trays involved.  Though I suspect SparksMeanMarks might have to re-think this, since David Attenborough (he’s 90 you know) brought the world’s attention to the problems of plastic.

Friends, I have some bad news.  I have been told that She is working All Week.  I know, I feel exactly the same. It is dreadfully irresponsible and downright selfish to work all week.  It makes my eyes fill just thinking about it.  But while I’m in my chair tonight, I’m going to have a think about what I can get up to.  There has been a lot of tidying up and cleaning this weekend, but I don’t remember anyone emptying the upstairs bins, so I’ll start there and work down. Don’t worry too much about me, Readers, as yet again Pippa and Ebony’s Pack Leaders are Stepping Up and showing the love and responsibility so lacking here.  So I will have Fun and Wonderful Company, but not with my own family.  (I  hope Ebony has recovered from being shouted at in that awful fishwife-like way across the fields this afternoon. ) 

So I’d be surprised if there any many blogs this week, as She’ll be toobldybusy, but I’ll do my best to create merry hell here for you all.  Watch this space.

See you soon,

Russell

 

Pardon?

shutterstock_117069988I had a problem with my ears, Readers, during my walk this morning.  Up in Top Field, I had a lot of difficulty hearing her as She screamed at me to hurry up – there were some interesting smells right in the middle of Top Field today, fairly rank admittedly, but they interested me.  I was so absorbed in finding the source of the smells that I didn’t notice She had stomped all the way round Top Field and was back at the beginning waiting to Move On.  However loud the bellowing was, I just couldn’t hear it.  Strange.  Then later, near the river, the same thing happened!  I was concentrating so hard on the manky odour on the flooded field (I suspect some raw sewage lies not far beneath), that I failed to hear my name being barked at with me.  Many times.  When we got home, She rushed to ToysRPetsRVetsRUs or whatever it’s called, and bought some ear cleaning stuff to try and improve things.  I doubt it will.

But really, an excellent day today. I had a lie in, as I’d hoped and boy was that nice.  Lad had to get up much earlier than usual for a Saturday, as He and Lad were going to Wet Sham again.  They left here at 12.30pm, so you can see how early Lad had to stir from his room.  Poor Lad.  Young Lad and He went into town before this, to do some Shopping For Mothers’ Day, and then Young Lad went back into town again this afternoon to hang out with his friend.  He was given some money as a treat, to buy a sausage roll or such like in Dreggs, but preferred to spend this on some sort of silly points for  his Xbox game.  What a waste.  I would have loved a Dreggs sausage roll. But what a lot of movement from Young Lad on a Saturday! Two trips into town.  By car, both times, it has to be said.  I had a lovely long walk this morning, as mentioned earlier – didn’t see many of my friends but was dragged for three miles.  I pretended I was Really Tired when we got back, and lulled her into a false sense of security.

When She dropped Young Lad in town this afternoon, I dashed upstairs and found Lad’s school rucksack in his room.  Rummaging through, I was delighted to find some left- over packed lunch and ate that, chucking the foil wrapping over the floor.  Then I found the remnants of a bag of sweets, and threw that around so that the sugar went all over the place. I went back for another look in his school bag, but it was difficult to see with all his school work in there, so I pulled out all the sheets of paper and dumped them on the floor as well.  Success!  Right at the bottom of his bag was an old, stale Hobnob bar thing.  I took it downstairs and tucked it in the corner of my chair, to have later.  Not bad for the twenty minutes She was out the house.

Readers, I had to laugh this morning.  There has been Frantic Hoovering of the bldyfilthy house, and I was very amused by this.  In the lounge, the hoover didn’t seem to be sucking anything up.  Puzzled, She had a look up the nozzle thingy, and guess what?  It was full of  uncooked penne pasta!  That must have been the day I threw the packet of pasta round the lounge, and someone has helpfully tidied up by hoovering it all up, so the hoover was completely clogged and it took a long time to bang every single piece of bldypennepasta out of  it.  V funny.

Then, I was dragged for a second walk this afternoon as we are on a Weight Loss mission.  It isn’t working for either of us. This was a much more fun walk, Readers, as I bumped into dear, dear Pippa and she knocked me over, jumped on me, sat on my back and lots of fun things like that.  I chased her, and she chased me, and I snarled and snapped, and we had a splendid time.  We walked another two miles, so that is Five Miles today, Readers.  Unnecessary.  I am absolutely exhausted now, and fit for nothing tonight.  By the way, you know the carton of chopped tomatoes that I ate?  Not great for the flatulence problem.  Also some interesting little presents for her to clear up in the garden this morning.  You really wouldn’t think that chopped tomatoes would cause this much gas, but I think they are packed with fibre, wherein lies the problem.  You live and learn.  And the chopped tomatoes that were bought this morning are in a tin.

The assistant in ToysRPetsRVetsRUs or whatever it’s called, apparently has a beagle. There was some discussion about a) how badly behaved we are and b) a world record attempt at gathering together the largest number of beagles in one place ever. This sounds a marvellous idea.  I don’t want to go, though, as I like to be the Only Beagle In The Village, as my Regular Readers will know.  All that braying and appealing big brown eyes will get on my nerves, to be frank.

An update on the Recycling front.  Some recycling bags have been obtained at long last, and the recycling has been bagged up properly.  I then dragged it all out and ripped up boxes in the garden.  This was fun.  It has taken quite a while for all the little bits of Capn Birds Eye fish fingers cardboard box to be picked up.  The recycling sacks have now been tied, which is what should have happened in the first place.  Shoddy.  So as you can see, I’ve had a busy day even without the 5 mile walk.  He and Lad are due back from Wet Sham soon.  They will be sad.  Wet Sham lost 0-3 at home.  This is very poor and rather disappointing, so I expect there will be An Atmosphere.  I’ll just sleep through it.

Good Lord, I’m exhausted.

See you soon.

Russell

 

Red splodges

0000001268423_LWell, Readers, I’ve had a busy couple of days.  Yesterday they all went to work/school yet again, which annoyed me.  There has been nobody here of a day since Monday – unbelievable.  So I decided to make a bit of a stand.  They left at 7.30am yesterday, and by 7.32am I had finished the teaspoon of tuna mayo that had been squashed into my Kong.  I wandered around looking for something to do, and settled on emptying the bathroom bin. Now, something very unfair happened.  Ebony’s Pack Leader came to collect me, but she sneaked in very quietly and I didn’t hear her.  I didn’t even hear her come up the stairs, and I certainly didn’t hear her come into the bathroom because I had my head in the bin at the time.  Readers, She made me jump.  I was very upset that Ebony’s Pack Leader had caught me in the act of misbehaving, as she normally has a Very High Opinion of me, and  so I had an Extremely Guilty look on my face.  Ashamed, I was led down the stairs and off to Ebony’s house where I behaved impeccably for the rest of the day. Once home again in the afternoon, I had a look through the food cupboard.  The tins looked boring, but I found a carton of chopped tomatoes, and thought well why not?  So I dragged them into the lounge, ripped into the carton with my sharp canines, and ate all the chopped tomatoes.  A bit bland, if you ask me, and I think She should buy the ones with basil in for some flavour.

The thing is, Readers, that it’s hard to rip up and eat a carton of chopped tomatoes without making a mess.  Despite my best efforts at cleaning up – and I did try – there were quite a few orangey red splodges over the lounge carpet.  I didn’t realise how much I dragged them around, actually, and  managed to red splodge the length of the lounge/dining room.  Never mind, I thought.  She’ll see the funny side of it.

Young Lad was home first, and he found the red splodges, plus the Tesco own brand Shreddies type thing box that I tore into pieces, too.  Young Lad told me off, and cleared up all the cardboard. Young Lad didn’t, however, think about getting some bldystainremover on the splodges.  Young Lad was very busy going on the xbox.  Then He came in from work, and told me off again. Then She came in from work, and did, of course, see the funny side of many stains across the carpet.  I think that was laughter I heard, anyway.  I would think it’s quite relaxing, after a Long Day At Work, to be on your hands and knees half the evening with the Vanish.

By the way, Friends, this all gave me an idea for a new game.  You see, I suspect those chopped tomatoes had been bought specially for a nice Spag Bol or Lasagne next week.  So I thought, won’t it be funny if I carefully remove an Essential Ingredient from the food cupboard every so often, and watch the panic as the Gourmet Meal Plan goes up the spout!  This will be amusing.  Thinking on one’s feet is an important skill, and it will do them good to practise. 

I was quite tired after all the hard work with the chopped tomatoes and the Shreddies box, so slept a lot in my chair last evening. Lad revised Chemistry until gone 9pm, poor Lad – though it does worry me that Chemistry gets so much more attention than any other subject.  I haven’t yet seen him doing Economics Past Papers, for example. Maybe they’re  even more dull.  Young Lad had nearly fallen asleep on the sofa, after the exertions of Wednesday night, plus staying up to watch a bit of Champions League the night before.  So he was shipped up to bed and I wasn’t far behind, I can tell you.

Today, there was a New Routine in the morning, due to my bad behaviour with the bathroom bins yesterday.  Ebony’s Pack Leader suggested that I should be dropped at their house as Young Lad and She leave home in the  morning, to minimise opportunities for naughtiness.  Young Lad took me down the road at 7.30am, and when I saw Ebony’s Pack Leader, I sprinted as fast as I could with my tail wagging.  Young Lad wasn’t expecting this burst of speed, and I dragged him along behind me, horizontally.  I think his feet lost contact with the ground at one point, but at least he didn’t let go of me.  Well done, Young Lad.  I had a lovely day at Ebony’s, again, and behaved impeccably again.  Until I got home in the afternoon.  This time I emptied the bedroom bin all along the landing and also had another go at the bathroom bin.  It is totally their fault for not closing the doors.  Or emptying the bins.

Well, it’s Friday night and hoobldyray  She is saying.  Young Lad likes Friday nights, as he lays on the sofa all evening watching Masterchef or Police Interceptors. Lad likes Friday evenings as he eats sweets, drinks rubbish and talks rubbish on the xbox all evening.  This is his Downtime.  He likes Friday evenings as He has some lovely wine and reads the paper.  I like Friday evenings because it’s Pizza on the Sofa night and I get the odd carrot stick.  I’m not allowed any pizza crust tonight, as I’ve done a lot of stealing this week and am overweight again.  How rude.  Good grief, Masterchef is ridiculous.  “Susan has made a game, fig and leek pie, with pomegranate mango molasses…..”  What the heck.  Pretentious nonsense.  Come on John and Greg,  tell them to get a grip.  Fray Bentos all the way for me.

I need to update my regular Readers about Nana aged 86.  She has managed not to crack any more bones, and has today been seen sprinting up her long garden to her greenhouse. No crutches, nuffing.  Then she went for a walk down her long, steep, uneven drive and back up again.   This is Pretty Good Going and I am very proud of Nana aged 86.  Hopefully I’ll see her soon, tho I tend to have problems with my anal glands whenever I go to see her. It’s not deliberate.  Honest.

Thank goodness it’s Saturday tomorrow – hopefully I’ll get a bit of a lie in.  I’m fed up with the alarm going off at 6am.

See you soon,

Russell

 

 

Cream crackered!

20180307_180731 Good grief I was bored today,  Readers.  Well, in the hour and a half that I was Left Alone after they’d all gone to work/school.  I’d been given my Kong ‘filled’ with a scrape of left-over Shepherd’s Pie, but this only kept me entertained for a pathetic two minutes, so I had no choice but to go through the cupboards.  Firstly I pulled out the carrier bags again, and threw them on the kitchen floor, and then to my joy, found a new packet of cream crackers.  I took these upstairs for a change of scene, and munched through them, leaving three in the bottom of the pack. This was Good of me and shows that I am Not Greedy.  I didn’t even leave any crumbs on the stairs, but do I get any thanks for this?  Of course not.  Once I’d finished those, I was still bored so I went to the back porch for a look round.  Readers, it was disgraceful out there.  We have run out of recycling sacks it seems – to be fair She has tried to get some more but the local Recycling Sack Collection Point hasn’t had a delivery for ages and have also run out.  Now, what would you and I do in this situation?  Yes, exactly.  We would neatly stack the boxes, tubs, yogurt pots and plastic bottles in  a black sack, or perhaps a large cardboard box, until such time as there is a Delivery of Recycling Sacks.  What do my family do, in their usual slovenly way?  Chuck it all in the back porch.  Honestly, it looked like one of those TV programmes about hoarders, where the local council pest control people have to go  in and sort it out.  Shabby, isn’t it.  So I thought of myself as the local council, and helped out by moving some of the mountain of detritus out of the back porch, and into the lounge.

IMG-20180307-WA0002  In this diagram, you can see how I have placed the recycling around the lounge floor.  The Weetabix Minis box took quite a lot of ripping up, I can tell you, but the Alpen muesli box is made from much thinner cardboard and is easier to destroy.  At the top of the diagram, quite hard for you to see, is a pasta packet that I’d found behind the cream crackers.  I hope She wasn’t banking on that pasta for tea tonight. I’m sure it has helped them, by removing some of this from the back porch, and might spur them on to doing something about thebldymess.

Do you know, I managed all of the above in ninety minutes!  Thankfully, Ebony’s Pack Leader then came to rescue me from my boredom, and I had a marvellous day at Ebony’s house, where I was as good as gold.  She had the good sense not to take me home until fairly late, so I didn’t have much opportunity to play up before they got home.   Ebony’s Pack Leader is wise, like that.  Yesterday was equally lovely, as I was at Pippa’s house for the day and again, behaved impeccably.  There was no blog last night – things are slipping,  I fear, as There Was Too Much Bldy Other Stuff To Do.  I can only apologise.  Actually, you’re very lucky to be getting a blog tonight, because those sharp-eyed friends will have noticed it’s Wednesday.  Normally on Wednesdays there isn’t time to bldysneeze let alone write a bldyblog, but tonight is an exception as there is much Guilt about Not Doing It Last Night.  Rightly so.  

Young Lad has been to Indoor Cricket Training tonight in a freezing cold sports hall.  I would not have enjoyed that, but luckily Young Lad did.  He’s had a rather sedentary week if you ask me,  as Lunchtime Basketball was “off” today, as was after school football.  This only leaves walking home from school, and cricket.  He was given a lift home from school.  Which only leaves cricket.  Young Lad was quite disappointed again yesterday.  You will remember the farce that was Food Technology – The Fruit Salad last week, whereupon they weren’t allowed to chop up their fruit, so had to spend an hour eating it.  Well, Readers, the Expensive Fruit had been replenished ready for Food Technology yesterday.  Young Lad was so excited.  However, this time the teacher said, “We are now one lesson behind everyone else, so you’ll have to make your fruit salad at home and take a photo.”  This was disappointing again, for Young Lad.  One does wonder why making a Fruit Salad at school is proving so challenging.  Anyway, He and Young Lad spent a happy twenty minutes in the kitchen last night, peeling and chopping until Young Lad had FINALLY made a bldy fruit salad.  There was a huge sigh of relief all round, and a very untidy kitchen.  Young Lad was exhausted by his efforts and lay on the sofa eating his huge fruit salad.  All of it.  I think He was disappointed that he didn’t get any as reward for supervising, and I certainly was offered sweet FA.

Lad had a long day at school yesterday as he had to stay behind to do Art.  Now, for his GCSE in Art he has chosen a really rather wonderful subject for his drawings.  Me!!  The thing is, I am incredibly handsome and photogenic as many of my nicer Readers have pointed out – and Lad has realised that he’s more likely to get a Top Grade if he uses a subject like myself.  His drawings are pretty good, yes it has to be said, and he has a little talent, but to be honest, I think a lot of it is down to the subject matter.  The only thing I’ve objected to was the need for photos of me with my mouth open.  Now, my mouth doesn’t stay open for long, so it’s quite tricky to take a picture of it – dear Lord, did he faff around at the weekend cajoling me into showing my teeth.  It was very tiresome.  Anyway, what a thrill!!  I’m the subject of Art GCSE.  That sounds very important to me.  Tomorrow Lad has to stay late at school for his Maths Tutor.  This is a Top Week for Lad, and I suspect he feels quite blessed.

Golly, look at the time.  Well, it’s later than usual, Friends, but a blog has been written, Wednesday or no Wednesday.

See you soon,

Russell

 

Bribery

download (3)Readers, it was Rush Hour down at the river this morning.  I’ve never seen so many dogs and Pack Leaders out at one time. This deeply affected our Pace Per Mile, as we had to keep stopping and chatting to everyone; this was Highly Sociable and is more important than the Exercise Quotient. I don’t see why it was necessary to add on an extra half mile to make up for the slow pace, but there you go. Actually, something Marvellous happened today.  I overcame my racist, xenophobic problems, Readers! Teddy the Australian Labradoodle was down there, and his Pack Leader had her friend with her, the one with the skin colour and American accent that I don’t like.  Normally I bark ferociously at him, to show how brave I am, and I don’t care if it hurts his feelings.  Today, Readers, the man with the skin colour and American accent that I don’t like, had a Cunning Plan.  He held out his hand with some food in it.  Astonishingly, my fears of Dark Skin disappeared in a flash!  I know! I courageously ran up to him, and gently took a treat from him, without snarling or biting his hand off.  This was clever thinking on his part, and on the way back from our walk we bumped into them again;  I bounced up eagerly, to have another snack.  I ignored him as soon as I’d eaten it, mind, but still!  I’m sure many of the world’s inter-racial problems could be sorted out with a small biscuit.  

Two Bastard Swans were on the river, so unfortunately they hadn’t met their end under the ice when the river froze last week. Chuck was down there, looking as gorgeous as ever, and we had a lengthy sniff of each others’ backsides, as the cold wind has dropped.  I was marched round Top Field, and then Far Field as well, to the tune of, “Top of the World,” by the Carpenters.  Readers, something dreadful happened in Far Field.  Instead of just thinking it, She started singing out loud.  I know!  I was Absolutely Mortified, and had to look round quickly, checking there was nobody else in Far Field that might possibly have heard.  The shame of it.  Thankfully after just a few bars of this Retro Classic She realised She was singing aloud, and stopped – also quickly looking around to see if anyone had noticed.  Dear Lord, Friends, it was awful.  Anyone walking past would have thought She was out from Care in the Community for the morning.  I hope that never happens again.

On the way back we bumped into Nicedogwalkerlady and her husband, and the three hundred brown labradors although there are a few less now, as the Council have changed their Rules apparently.  How ridiculous.  Then we saw various other people who all called my name and made a fuss of me, telling me how handsome and slim I’m looking.  I would say verging on the under-nourished, actually, but nobody seems to care.   Barney the Oh So Adorable Beagle leant against her legs and looked lovely as usual, and then jumped up, wiping mud all over her jeans.  Good. I had to get straight into my chair for a sleep when we got home, as I was exhausted.

Bit of a result during Sunday tea last  night.  Young Lad was having another piece of Chocolate Fridge cake on the sofa, and I decided to sit next to him.  Despite being shouted at and told to GetOffTheSofa!, I stood my ground, and then as they pushed me bodily to the floor, I launched myself over Young Lad’s plate and snatched the Chocolate Fridge Cake.  It was rather nice, I have to say, with just the right balance of dark chocolate, cream and biscuit.  Plus the saltiness of the butter.  I don’t care that it is very unhealthy; if Lad and Young Lad deserve a treat on a Sunday night, then so do I.  This appallingly decadent delicacy had only been made because Lad had done so much Revision yesterday, and Young Lad had managed two lots of homework and a dog walk.  Normally it would have been Banana Tea Bread.  I know which I prefer.

I was dreadfully bored this afternoon, Readers, while everyone was at work or school. I felt I had no option but to root around in the cupboards – unfortunately there is nothing of interest in the cupboard under the stairs, now that it’s been cleared out,  but I had a good look anyway.  Then I opened the food cupboard with the silly Screwfix catch that didn’t work – by the way, this still has Velcro strips on it, and looks ramshackle – and in the absence of anything else to do, pulled out the carrier bags and chucked them on the floor.

IMG_20180305_170751_889 This diagram shows the mess I made with the carrier bags.  When Young Lad came  home from school he had to clear it all up. How he laughed.

Do you know what, I’m feeling really rather insulted tonight.  We had a visitor this evening, a Nurse Friend, and I was sitting in my chair looking sad as usual while she was here.  She said she had been dealing with clinically depressed patients today who had  a similar look about them, and then suggested that they give me some of Lad’s medication to cheer me up.  Readers, everyone fell about laughing. It was rude and unnecessary.  I can’t help it if my resting facial expression is suicidal. Honestly, there is just no respect here.  Tomorrow will be better as everyone is out all day, so I’m being shipped off to dear, dear Pippa’s house. Nobody there will make comments about my emotional state.

There are lots of horrid scented candles lit tonight – not, for once, because of my smells, but because She opted to make a hearty, warming fish pie for tea.  This was before She thought about Nurse Friend popping round, so now a Yankee Candle is doing its best to fight against the pong of salmon, cod and mashed potato. The candle isn’t winning, Readers, I can tell you.   Young Lad actually managed to follow more than one instruction tonight when he came in, and fed Gingercat and I, changed out of his school uniform, closed the windows and THEN went on the Xbox. Well done, Young Lad, this is excellent progress.  Oh and don’t forget he had to clear up the carrier bags, too.  No wonder Young Lad is now lying down on the sofa.

Readers, it has been announced that 2500 ordinary common people are being invited into the grounds of Windsor Castle for Meghan’s wedding!  How do you get one of these tickets?  Please let me know asap!

Bye for now,

Russell

 

 

Sunday lunch

breakfast-table-clipart-17Well, it’s pouring with rain now, Readers, and what was left of the snow has gone.  It really is a grim, grey afternoon, and I’m jolly glad it’s too wet to drag me out for a second walk today.  I did have a lovely walk this morning before it started chucking down, and frankly that’s quite enough for today.  Anyway, Lad has just put me in the bath – I wasn’t best pleased – as I rolled in some cack this morning and was very muddy.  I really don’t see what the point was; I’m only going to get filthy again tomorrow, but I suppose it gave Lad a break from his Revision. Plus he had to clean the bathroom afterwards and has been spraying Viakal like his life depends on it.  So today started well – a bit of a lie-in, He didn’t have to go to work and nobody had to get up early.  A leisurely start to the day, just how I like it.  Lad needed to lie in a bit longer than everyone else, of course, but He, She and Young Lad took me out for a Family Walk this morning. Young Lad did everything possible to get out of doing this, but they Stood Firm. He was bribed with a cheese sandwich to take with him, as he was moaning he was hungry;  this confused me a lot, as I normally trot down the road facing the way we’re going, but today I had to sort of walk backwards so that I could stare at his sandwich and be ready to snatch a bit if it dropped.  This gave me a neck ache, Readers, and was very ungainly.   I didn’t see many of my friends today – I think I’d missed the busy slot- but it was gloriously muddy where the snow has suddenly melted and turned to bog. Oh, I did see Oscar the Border Terrier on the way back, and he jumped up to spatter mud all over her jeans, like he always does.  Oscar can be relied on for this, and it makes me laugh as She brushes the mud off,  pretending her jeans were filthy anyway.  Bastard Swan was back there, gleaming whitely on the river, but was on his own so I can only hope the other Bastard Swans got stuck in the river when it froze.  Young Lad finished his cheese sandwich and didn’t give me any, so I ran off in disgust.  Readers, in attempt to look like a normal dog-walking family they took the long pink ball flinger thing with them.  This never ends well.  I pandered to them by chasing the ball a couple of times, but I find this quite dull so what I do is run off into the bushes and drop the ball somewhere.  Then they spend half an hour swiping with the long pink ball flinger thing to try and find it, and never can.  It’s amusing. He always gets very cross about The Loss of a Tennis Ball, and She says ohwell we alwaysfindanotherone.  I wanted to turn left and go over the bridge to Top Field today, but Young Lad refused, saying it was too far, and they didn’t have any more sandwiches with which to bribe him.  So we went to Far Field instead, where we did indeed find another tennis ball that someone else had lost, Proving Her Right, but it was pretty shoddy and not of the same standard as mine.

Once home, the Sunday morning peace was shattered by the arrival of lovelyneighbourontheright’s cockapoo, as we looked after him while they were out.  He doesn’t seem to understand the very simple premise that if I wanted someone to jump on my head repeatedly, I would tell them.  I got very cross with him after a while, and snapped. He even tried to jump on my head while I was doing the pre-wash of the dishwasher; this was most annoying.  In the end, the cockapoo was shut in the lounge with Lad and Young Lad, and they were told to Play With It.  Lad couldn’t as he was revising, and Young Lad was very busy on his phone, so the cockapoo entertained himself by running up and down with slippers, socks and other items of footwear. He was taken home just before Sunday Lunch was served.

Now, Readers, as you know there have been many Interesting and Intellectual discussions at the dinner table recently, and today was no exception.  We’ve moved on from Is Trump Proving To Be a Good President After All, and today it was all about whether Young Lad would like to do something called the Duke Of Edinburgh Award Scheme when he’s a bit older.  It was explained that this is Fun, and Educational, and Character Building, plus it looks good on your CV, whatever that is.  Young Lad thought for a nanosecond, and then asked, “does it involve much walking?” to which the answer was er, yes, so he has politely declined.  I quite agree with him – it sounds like Organised Fun and those sorts of things are hideous.  He and She were rather disappointed and asked him to give it some thought.  We all know how much thought he will give it.

Yesterday was quite marvellous, Readers, as I had two long walks.  Now normally this would annoy me, but the second one was rather special as I met dear, dear Pippa down there and we went for a walk together.  Pippa was pleased to see me and jumped on me very hard; she then ran and crashed into me, knocking me flying to the ground where I rolled over helplessly.  It was hilarious.  She’s such fun.  We romped our way up through Top Field, where She said, “ok, we’ll leave you here and head home,” but I was not having that, Readers, and ignored her.  She had no choice but to follow us up through the woods for another Long Walk. I was very upset at the end, when Pippa and I had to go home in different directions, and I sat down and refused to move.  Only the thought of Pippa’s birthday cake (made with liver and cream cheese), tempted me to my feet.

It was rather stressful last evening.  Lad had gone to a town Far Away to meet his friends and go to the cinema.  Now, the cinema is in a shopping centre, but Lad and his friends had some difficulty finding an exit when they came out of the cinema.  The shopping centre was closed and there appeared to be No Means of Leaving.  This must have been very worrying for them and the other people who had just exited the cinema.  Luckily Lad and his friends are Very Resourceful and managed to attract the attention of a Security Guard (they didn’t have to do much, just look the way they usually look with their hoods up) and they were escorted to a hidden exit.  This meant Lad was quite late getting home, and She couldn’t get her friend Gordon out as She had to drive to the station to pick him up.  I then picked a fight with her, as I had chosen my spot on the sofa for the evening, and not left her any room.  She tried to squeeze in and bodily push me further over, but I wasn’t having this, either, and refused to move an inch.  Sometimes you have to show people who’s in charge.

Well, Readers, after Sunday lunch it is Sunday tea which involves lots of home-made things, and moaning about spending the wholebldyday in the kitchen.  Apart, that is,  from the hour spent with Young Lad on his homework, finding out about the features of a town in the middle ages, and describing a picture of a bombsite.  Both of which will stand him in good stead in the future.

I’ve no idea what the week will bring, Friends, but I’m bound to be dumped with Pippa and Ebony at some point.  I look forward to this, as I’m not bored with them.

Bye for now,

Russell

Siberia

20180302_113119 This diagram, Readers, shows how much I enjoyed my walk today.  I am sitting nicely, asking politely if we can bldy well go home now as I’m bldy frozen.  It was minus 2 with a windchill factor that made it feel like minus 10.  How absolutely ridiculous to be out for an hour’s walk in that.  The river was actually frozen over, and that NEVER happens, so there was no sign of the Bastard Swans. Good. I’d like to say we walked under clear blue skies and winter sunshine, but no. It was grey and chucking down with Frozen Rain.  What is Frozen Rain, I hear you ask?  I too, thought this was just snow, or if push comes to shove, hail.  But no.  There is something called Frozen Rain, and it differs from snow in one basic way.  It hurts.

20180302_113940 In this diagram, Readers, you can see how many other dogs were out with their Pack Leaders in these conditions. That’s right.  One.  If you look very carefully.  It really beggars belief that anyone would drag their poor dog out in this.  Mind you, it was quite funny when we set off, as She was carrying a bag of shopping for LovelyDor down the road in one hand, and had me on my lead in the other hand.  Readers, the pavements were treacherous.  It was so tempting to run fast and watch her ski behind  me, desperately holding onto the bag of shopping, and finally crash to the ground, but there was nobody around to watch, and really that sort of thing needs an audience.  There was a bit of a dicey moment round the corner at the bottom, but sadly She stayed upright. So on we ploughed through four foot snow drifts, battling through gale force winds and Frozen Rain.  None of my friends were down there, not one.  They were all on their sofas at home.  But surprisingly, the snow did make me feel a little frisky at times, and I did break into a run occasionally!  Well, twice.  We started heading into Far Field, but at that moment a Full Scale Blizzard started so we wimped out and headed home.  Blow me down, the one other dog out there turned out to be some  maniac big labradoodle thing that wanted me to play.  Normally I would have refused, but I felt so sorry for us being The Only Dogs Out In These Conditions, that I joined in!  Yes, Readers, I played!

20180302_114130-1 In this diagram, you can see me playing, and my ears flapping out in the wind.  This is a Rare Action Shot and you won’t be seeing one again for a while.  I almost had fun.  Anyway, we headed home and I was very glad to get back in my armchair.  It was exhausting being out there today in that temperature.  

I was dragged out yesterday in the freezing cold,  too.  I’m so sorry there was no blog last night – I did tell her that you were all relying on this for entertainment on a cold night, but She didn’t care  seemed a bit busy.  It had been a Stressful Start to the day at 6.30am, waiting to find out if Lad and Young Lad’s schools were open, or closed because of the snow.  This saga went on for an hour and a half, and ended with disappointment for Young Lad, as his school was open, and happiness for Lad as his wasn’t.  Young Lad slammed a door and whinged a lot as he put his school uniform on.  Lad sat down in his pyjamas with a cup of tea. Young Lad was then taken to school through a blizzard, and She needed a coffee with Loadsakids to recover from all this. Loadsakids was enjoying the whole teenagers/school/snow scenario just as much as She was, and they stared into their cups without talking for a while.  Then rocked slowly a bit.

Lad startled me, Readers, yesterday morning by starting some Revision by 8.30am.  This was wholly unexpected, and turned out to be because he wanted to go “sledging” with his friends in a town Far Away.  Now, Readers, the General Public had been warned Not To Travel Unless Completely Necessary, due to the bad conditions. Lad seemed to think that going sledging comes into the category Completely Necessary, and asked if She would take him.  She said no, rudely and unreasonably I felt.  So Lad, in a tremendous show of Determination and Resilience, caught two trains to the town Far Away, taking an hour and a half, and the same back again.  This, to me, is a an example of the British Spirit, not Complete  Bldy Stupidity as he was told.  I’m not the only one in this house who is underestimated and misunderstood.  Young Lad, who had dutifully gone into school, was allowed to choose the menu for dinner last night.  He chose Harry Ramsdens and Aunt Bessie chips.  Plus, and this was the deal breaker, it had to be eaten On The Sofa, not Up At The Table. This is normally not allowed until Friday night as it is Common, but Young Lad was indulged as he’d had to go to school.  The one I felt sorry for again, Friends, was He.  He went to work ridiculously early yet again, to clear the snowdrifts out the way, and then clear them again when they all blew back. He has not had a good week, and deserves that bottle of wine tonight. Doubtless her friend Gordon will pop round.

So this morning started with yet another will they/won’t they open cliffhanger, until the schools decided whether they would open.  Young Lad’s school did, and Lad’s school said they would open too.  This displeased Lad, who had hoped for another day of train rides and sledging.  There was a Calm and Sensible Discussion for about half an hour that Didn’t Involve Any Shouting At All, as to whether Lad would be going into school.  Lad’s point was that the bus might take a long time and it would be difficult to get there.  Lad seemed to have forgotten his Marvellous Feat in getting two trains back and forward to a town Much Further Away yesterday, which rather blew his argument out of the water. In the end, She Lost The Will To Live and gave in, somewhat childishly removing his phone and the Xbox controller so that he had to do some work.  This was all rendered meaningless by Lad’s school making a late decision to close, anyway. Happy days. So it was just Young Lad, yet again, going to school.  Those that made it in were rewarded with a free Pain au Chocolat and some Team Points.  I would have just wanted the Pain au Chocolat.   You’ll be pleased to know that Lad spent his day at home well, working very hard on his revision.

20180302_122946 This diagram shows me helping Lad to revise all about X and Y chromosomes.  He said he couldn’t have done it without me.

Well, Readers, as Winter draws to a close and Spring arrives, ( yes, really)  it’s a good chance to reflect on the last few months.  The shark jigsaw still hasn’t been finished, and there are still two Airfix models that haven’t been made.  But on the plus side, Young Lad has discovered Energy, and the cupboard under the stairs has been cleaned out!  Who knows what the next few months will bring!!  Meghan Markel’s wedding, for one thing.  I’m still working on the route to Windsor.

Bye for now,

Russell

 

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