Readers, this is likely to be an epic tale tonight, so please pour yourselves a glass of something and settle down for the evening. There is bugger all on telly anyway.
Nana aged 86 is no longer 86! She is now Nana aged 87. Yesterday was her birthday, and we all went down to take her out for lunch. I had a WONDERFUL time, apart from the five hours of driving – but I slept through that. (The language in the car, Readers, when they saw a sign saying “One and a half hour delay, Junction 29 to 1a.” And to be fair to the Transport people, they were bang on. It was a delay of exactly 90 minutes, on top of a two hour journey. That is impressive accuracy. But was this appreciated? No. Non-stop huffing and sighing as we sat in a traffic jam.) However, once we arrived at Nana aged 87’s, things really started to look up. There was a frantic ten minutes of shouting for everyone to go to the toilet and get back in the car, but I quite enjoyed myself in the garden, and let them get on with it. I have to say Nana aged 87 wasn’t over-thrilled to see me, especially as I ignored her when I arrived and raced to the cat food bowl. But really, Nana aged 87 looked marvellous, very pretty and one would never know she was of such Advanced Years. Then, Readers, they went out for lunch. To a carvery. Now I think I would quite like a carvery, but did I get taken along? Oh no. So I was left at Nana aged 87’s all by myself. Well. What’s a boy to do? They left me with TWO bones, in the hope that I might spend a couple of hours eating them. Nah. One was a soppy chew thing and one was a bone filled with tripe – I know you’re jealous. I waited till the car had pulled away, then took them both upstairs. It was an Error of Judgement, Readers, on their part, not to shut all the bedroom doors. I needed somewhere to bury my bones, after all. Now, it is never Good Practice to bury more than one bone in the same place. There is the danger that a Rival Dog might sniff them out and then you’re scuppered. It is Always Wise to bury multiple bones in multiple places. And so I did. Now, it is also important that you bury your bones very deeply so that a Rival Dog can’t find them. To that end, I completely trashed two beds in Nana’s house, ripping off all the sheets and blankets or duvet, so that I could bury my bones a long way down. I was very pleased with my handiwork and was feeling quite smug about how well hidden they were. Nana aged 87 was Not Pleased when she found the state of the bedrooms after we had left, but to be honest, it will give her something to do, tidying them up again. Then, I popped downstairs for a look round the kitchen. I could smell some bread, so I stood up at the work surface and eyed up the extremely old wooden bread bin. With a bit of a stretch and some jigging about, I could just get my claw under it, and dragged it towards me with all the things that were on it/in front of it.
This diagram, Readers, shows what happens when you drag a bread bin off the work surface, and send it crashing to the floor. It made quite a mess of the kitchen, as you can see, and I fear those bananas might be a little bruised. Especially the one under the bread bin (look carefully, you’ll find it.) A cup was smashed to pieces in the process, and it really did look like someone had ramraided the place. Anwyay, I found half a loaf of Hovis and took that off to the dining room to eat – it filled a corner. I didn’t stop to think whether Nana aged 87 might have any other bread or whether I’d just eaten her week’s supply. Oh well. I also pulled a punnet of grapes off the side, and took those to the dining room, but they were black grapes, and I prefer green. I hope she gets green in future. So I dumped them on the floor.
This really was a splendid way to spend a couple of hours, and serves them right for not taking me to the carvery. Apparently they had a lovely meal, and Funnygit her brother was called a tart by the waitress, as she brought the food round (as in “are you the tart?” YES they all shouted. ) Nana aged 87 had a lovely time with her Entire Family as all her grandchildren were there. Quite incredibly, they managed to have yet another Dinnertime Discussion about Russia/MI5/whether England will go to the World Cup/general politics, dear God. How dreary. I’m glad I wasn’t there, in some ways, as I was happy trashing Nana aged 87’s house, though I would have liked the Beef and Gammon. Thankfully, they all came back to Nana’s house for tea and Birthday Cake, but of course there was lots of shouting at me beforehand. I had to sit in the garden and put my sad face on, for five minutes. Then I tried to sit on their laps, but people said I smelled, and I was pushed off. Still, it was a lovely day, and I don’t think Nana aged 87 will ever forget it.
Today I have been dragged for TWO walks, totalling five miles, because I didn’t have a proper walk yesterday and spent most of it asleep in the car. This is rather ridiculous, and I found the second walk quite hard-going. I had also rolled in two loads of fox poo this morning, and another one this afternoon, so I’ve been bathed as well and moaned at a lot. I bumped into lots of friends down there, and even saw The Friendly Electrician and his lovely wife. Their dog was nice and clean, but he smelled the fox poo on me, and thought what a cracking idea, so he found some and rolled in it too. How they laughed.
It has come to my attention, Friends, that there hasn’t been a blog for TWO nights. This has been pointed out by various people. I can only apologise – She was toobdlyknackered after the hideous journey yesterday, and the priority seemed to be getting Gordon out the cupboard when they got home. (He had a nice glass or two of red, to settle his nerves, too.) Friday night was the usual Slovenly Pizza evening after a week at work. I was SHATTERED on Friday evening, Friends, as I’d been at Ebony’s house all day. Not content with walks, they are now trying to teach me better ball skills. It’s exhausting. I snored and snored on Friday evening, comatose in my chair. The day had started well. She and Young Lad left the house at 7.29am. Ebony’s Pack Leader came to collect me at 7.35 am. In those 6 minutes I had pulled everything off the shelf in the kitchen cupboard, dumping carrier bags and tin foil everywhere. Pretty good Time Management, yet again.
This diagram shows how skilfully I arranged the clingfilm, tin foil, greasproof paper and a tin of Heinz beans on the floor, adding a slipper, a sock and an Adidas trainer for effect. This is called a Collage. I was quite pleased with this, and had finished by 7.34am.
This diagram shows where I was by 7.35am. This is impressive efficiency.
This afternoon has been fairly peaceful, as He went into work for a couple of hours, Lad and Young Lad did homework all afternoon and She did the cleaning. Plus walking me again, and giving me a bath. The bathroom has been cleaned twice today. This is, if nothing else, thorough.
I’ve been told that She is working all day tomorrow, so doubtless I’ll be shipped off elsewhere. I suppose I should cherish the five hours they spent in the car with me yesterday.
Happy Birthday Nana aged 87, and sorry about the state of your house.
Bye for now,