Readers, it was Rush Hour down at the river this morning. I’ve never seen so many dogs and Pack Leaders out at one time. This deeply affected our Pace Per Mile, as we had to keep stopping and chatting to everyone; this was Highly Sociable and is more important than the Exercise Quotient. I don’t see why it was necessary to add on an extra half mile to make up for the slow pace, but there you go. Actually, something Marvellous happened today. I overcame my racist, xenophobic problems, Readers! Teddy the Australian Labradoodle was down there, and his Pack Leader had her friend with her, the one with the skin colour and American accent that I don’t like. Normally I bark ferociously at him, to show how brave I am, and I don’t care if it hurts his feelings. Today, Readers, the man with the skin colour and American accent that I don’t like, had a Cunning Plan. He held out his hand with some food in it. Astonishingly, my fears of Dark Skin disappeared in a flash! I know! I courageously ran up to him, and gently took a treat from him, without snarling or biting his hand off. This was clever thinking on his part, and on the way back from our walk we bumped into them again; I bounced up eagerly, to have another snack. I ignored him as soon as I’d eaten it, mind, but still! I’m sure many of the world’s inter-racial problems could be sorted out with a small biscuit.
Two Bastard Swans were on the river, so unfortunately they hadn’t met their end under the ice when the river froze last week. Chuck was down there, looking as gorgeous as ever, and we had a lengthy sniff of each others’ backsides, as the cold wind has dropped. I was marched round Top Field, and then Far Field as well, to the tune of, “Top of the World,” by the Carpenters. Readers, something dreadful happened in Far Field. Instead of just thinking it, She started singing out loud. I know! I was Absolutely Mortified, and had to look round quickly, checking there was nobody else in Far Field that might possibly have heard. The shame of it. Thankfully after just a few bars of this Retro Classic She realised She was singing aloud, and stopped – also quickly looking around to see if anyone had noticed. Dear Lord, Friends, it was awful. Anyone walking past would have thought She was out from Care in the Community for the morning. I hope that never happens again.
On the way back we bumped into Nicedogwalkerlady and her husband, and the three hundred brown labradors although there are a few less now, as the Council have changed their Rules apparently. How ridiculous. Then we saw various other people who all called my name and made a fuss of me, telling me how handsome and slim I’m looking. I would say verging on the under-nourished, actually, but nobody seems to care. Barney the Oh So Adorable Beagle leant against her legs and looked lovely as usual, and then jumped up, wiping mud all over her jeans. Good. I had to get straight into my chair for a sleep when we got home, as I was exhausted.
Bit of a result during Sunday tea last night. Young Lad was having another piece of Chocolate Fridge cake on the sofa, and I decided to sit next to him. Despite being shouted at and told to GetOffTheSofa!, I stood my ground, and then as they pushed me bodily to the floor, I launched myself over Young Lad’s plate and snatched the Chocolate Fridge Cake. It was rather nice, I have to say, with just the right balance of dark chocolate, cream and biscuit. Plus the saltiness of the butter. I don’t care that it is very unhealthy; if Lad and Young Lad deserve a treat on a Sunday night, then so do I. This appallingly decadent delicacy had only been made because Lad had done so much Revision yesterday, and Young Lad had managed two lots of homework and a dog walk. Normally it would have been Banana Tea Bread. I know which I prefer.
I was dreadfully bored this afternoon, Readers, while everyone was at work or school. I felt I had no option but to root around in the cupboards – unfortunately there is nothing of interest in the cupboard under the stairs, now that it’s been cleared out, but I had a good look anyway. Then I opened the food cupboard with the silly Screwfix catch that didn’t work – by the way, this still has Velcro strips on it, and looks ramshackle – and in the absence of anything else to do, pulled out the carrier bags and chucked them on the floor.
This diagram shows the mess I made with the carrier bags. When Young Lad came home from school he had to clear it all up. How he laughed.
Do you know what, I’m feeling really rather insulted tonight. We had a visitor this evening, a Nurse Friend, and I was sitting in my chair looking sad as usual while she was here. She said she had been dealing with clinically depressed patients today who had a similar look about them, and then suggested that they give me some of Lad’s medication to cheer me up. Readers, everyone fell about laughing. It was rude and unnecessary. I can’t help it if my resting facial expression is suicidal. Honestly, there is just no respect here. Tomorrow will be better as everyone is out all day, so I’m being shipped off to dear, dear Pippa’s house. Nobody there will make comments about my emotional state.
There are lots of horrid scented candles lit tonight – not, for once, because of my smells, but because She opted to make a hearty, warming fish pie for tea. This was before She thought about Nurse Friend popping round, so now a Yankee Candle is doing its best to fight against the pong of salmon, cod and mashed potato. The candle isn’t winning, Readers, I can tell you. Young Lad actually managed to follow more than one instruction tonight when he came in, and fed Gingercat and I, changed out of his school uniform, closed the windows and THEN went on the Xbox. Well done, Young Lad, this is excellent progress. Oh and don’t forget he had to clear up the carrier bags, too. No wonder Young Lad is now lying down on the sofa.
Readers, it has been announced that 2500 ordinary common people are being invited into the grounds of Windsor Castle for Meghan’s wedding! How do you get one of these tickets? Please let me know asap!
Bye for now,