Exhaustion

20180211_132716 This diagram shows what happens, Readers, if you force me out for TWO long walks in one day.  I fall asleep sitting bolt upright. Unprecedented levels of exhaustion hit me today – partly due to too many walks, plus, it being Sunday, we ‘look after’ Lovelyneighbourontheright’s Cockapoo puppy.  Well.  The young whippersnapper came round this morning and got on my nerves, frankly – he does not stop bouncing around and jumping on my head, and it drives me INSANE. Everywhere I went, he followed – he even re-distributed the recycling I had carefully placed round the garden!   SO annoying.  I have special places for the things out of the recycling sacks – certain things go under certain bushes, and I wasn’t happy that he changed my system. The Harry Ramsden Cod in Batter box does NOT go under the rose bush! Grrrr.  After an hour and a half of me snapping and barking at the youngster, he was taken Back Home.  Even Gingercat arched his back and hissed at Lovelyneighbourontheright’s Cockapoo, but the darned pup still seemed to enjoy himself!

Then we went for a 3 mile walk, which was lovely, but just about finished me off.  As we were going down the alleyway to the river, She suddenly stopped because her foot was uncomfortable in her wellington boot.  When investigated, it transpired there was a Drill Bit in her boot.  I know.  It gets better.  Up in the fields, when I was rolling in poo, She tried to pull the whistle out of her coat pocket, and instead pulled out a different Drill Bit. It beggars belief.  Thankfully I was saved the embarrassment of her actually blowing the Drill Bit, but even so.   How many other Pack Leaders are wandering around with random items of hardware in their pockets and boots?  None.  Never mind, it was a stunning day down at the river – cold, mark you, but a beautiful blue sky and bright sunshine. There were many dogs and children down there, all having a lovely time. It was a slight mistake to vary our route, and go down along the river bank, as this was Extremely Muddy and potential falling face first scenarios were a real risk.  Legs and wellington boots were completely caked in mud, and there was some sliding backwards up the hilly part.  Good job there was nobody else around to see, as they had all sensibly stuck to the path.  As we should have done.  We went over the bridge into Top Field, but some people were riding BMX bikes in there today – ruddy noisy things.  I hate them.  I barked menacingly at one man in a helmet and muddy overalls, who was sitting astride his BMX by the gate.  He knew I meant business.

Once home, I was more than ready for a kip, but no  – some dried up French bread was put out on the bird table, which meant I had to run in and out for another hour to snatch up everything the birds dropped.  It being a lovely day, some Gardening was done – the first of the year!  Apparently the Ruddy Buddleia needed to be chopped right down – this is one of the Most Hated Jobs of All Time and has to be done twice a year.  With a lot of moaning and groaning, She climbed up a ladder and hacked the poor ten foot bush to death, and then paid Lad to chop it all up and cram it in the green bin.  There was no way it was all going to fit, so both Lad and Young Lad were forced to climb into the green bin on top of all the branches, and jump up and down.  This is not the way they wanted to spend their Sunday afternoon, and it seems cruel.  At any rate, the garden looks a little better for having some light in it now, but I wasn’t thrilled that Lad had to clear up all my recycling collage as part of his payment.

Yesterday, Readers, was the main cause of my tiredness today.  He had a day off from work, and decided to take me for a lovely long walk in the morning while She was out.  He and I have lovely walks together – He doesn’t shout at me or tell me to hurry up all  the time.  Though I did run off to the houses (to look through the bins) at one point, so He had to put me on the lead after that.  Then, in the afternoon, She decided to take me for a long walk as well!!  This is for the Exercise Quotient, and my regular Readers will know that we Can’t Afford Gym Membership And A Dog, as we like to remind me once a week, so I had to go for another power walk, even longer than the morning’s!  I could barely move when I got home – yes, most dogs thrive on this kind of lifestyle and enjoy the exercise, but I am not Most Dogs, as you should know by now.  I was shattered, and slept heavily through Chicago Fire and CSI Los Angeles all evening.

Well, Loadsakids took the advice you’rebldymadwoman when considering a trip to Ikea, and changed her mind, so they met up for coffee after all.  There was the usual comparison and sniggering about teenagers and dogs. and a lovely time was had by them both.  The staff at Costalotta were rather surprised to see her splash out on a Latte instead of the cheapest coffee on the menu, but sometimes caution has to be thrown to the wind.  In the afternoon, much cleaning and tidying up was done in an attempt to get On Top Of Things.  It won’t last.  And no, it didn’t extend to the cupboard under the stairs. 

Lad had a slight lie-in this morning and was finally ejected from his bed at 1pm.  Just in time for lunch.  This was a shoddy affair, really, considering it is Sunday – whilst most families sat down at a table to a Lovely Roast today, Lad and Young Lad had fish finger sandwiches in front of Come Dine With Me. The irony was not lost on them.  This was because He wasn’t here today, and She couldn’t be bothered  find the time to cook a roast for the three of them.  They had ‘proper dinner’ tonight.  Well, if that’s a proper dinner………..Talking of which, I’m a little anxious that my food is about to run out.  The next delivery isn’t due until later this week, and if you remember, I’ve helped myself on a couple of occasions recently, so the carefully calculated how much left/delivery date is a bit skewed.  The answer, it seems,  is to reduce my portions until the new box arrives.  Yet another example of neglect, Readers.

Tomorrow will be peaceful, Friends, as Lad and She are up in London all day at An Important Place, and they will be gone from early morning until the evening.  Young Lad, He and I have the place to ourselves all day.  Marvellous.  There may not be a blog tomorrow night as She will be Far Too Tired after coping with the Central Line in the rush hour.  Twice.

Well, there are in fact nearly two hours to go before the Finale of McMafia (thank God that’s finishing at last), but the blog has to come to an end now so that we can Get Ready for it.  I will happily sleep through the Russian dialogue for an hour.

See you soon,

Russell

Margherita

Pepperoni-Pizza-extra-big-90-829I am In Disgrace, Readers.  I was sent to my bed, and the kitchen door was shut on me. All I did was wandered into the study, and happened to notice that Lad had put down his plate with a slice of pizza on it, on the table.  Whilst his back was turned, I felt I ought to tidy up a bit so snatched the pizza like greased lightning, and dashed off with it.  Lad was very, very annoyed and raised his voice – he virtually never gets cross with me.  He shouted, “RUSSELL!   NAUGHTY!!” so I growled at him, to show how much I respect his authority.  Then he sent me to my bed, but I had eaten the pizza by this time and it was jolly nice.  I would do the same again.  Anyway, it wasn’t long before someone opened the kitchen door and forgot I was In Disgrace, so now I’m back on the sofa cuddled up on the fleece.  Look, my Regular Readers know quite well that Friday night is slovenly pizza night, and I think it would be nice to include me in this sometimes.

I’m pretty exhausted tonight, actually, and struggling to keep my eyes open.  I’ve had a lovely day at Pippa’s house, and we had a fabulous walk this afternoon.  The Bastard Swans weren’t there, but Pippa’s Pack Leader made a point of going and leaning over the railing to have a look.  She pays close attention to my blog.  I blotted my  copybook rather, though, by finding a wonderful pile of fox poo and having a good old roll.  Oh, it felt so nice!  All down my back, such a special smell.IMG_2069 This diagram shows the attractive streaks of fox cack all along my back, where I rolled over and over.  Such long streaks, aren’t they!  And a goodly lot round my collar, as you can see if you look closely. It was heavenly,  Unfortunately Pippa’s Pack Leader didn’t agree, and when we got home, I had to be washed thoroughly.  Again.  Well, it gave her something to do.  And she uses a lovely hypo-allergenic shampoo, not the Value Range that we have at home. Pippa didn’t roll in any fox poo, and was generally better behaved.  I needed a sleep back at Pippa’s house, and before I knew it, She had turned up to collect me.  By this time I was starving and  wanted to get home for dinner, but oh no, She and Pippa’s Pack Leader had to stand there chatting for fifteen minutes……I was so bored.  I tried barking and whining but they did the “ignore him” thing, so in the end I sat down and waited. And waited.  It was rather selfish of them.

There was yet another Panic this morning, as Young Lad and She were driving to school/work.  Young Lad had painstakingly written a piece of homework last night about the changes In England after William the Conqueror took control.  He had thought of one thing.  Thankfully, Lad has also covered this period of History and could think of a few more.  Once they reached the other side of town this morning, though, Young Lad realised he’d left his History book on the snooker table at home. This is when the Panic ensued. He would be in a Lot Of Trouble.   Eventually an agreement was reached – She would text Lovelyneighbourontheright and ask them to pop in and search for the History book, as they surely wouldn’t have much else to do at 8am, like get two children ready for school.  Then they could deliver the book to her at work, and She would drive down to Young Lad’s school with it at lunchtime.  Young Lad seemed happy with this arrangement – but I feel Young Lad hasn’t learned a lesson from this.  Readers, this is Shoddy Parenting and involves relying heavily on the goodwill of neighbours.  Yet Again.

Lad has had a long day and says he has a bad headache, but will doubtless manage several hours on the Xbox tonight, as he is such a Trouper.  Young Lad is now watching Chicago Fire – yep, still Season 5 – which at the moment is focusing on a chef who has had an accident with a knife and cut his hand off.  Readers, I’m thinking the same thing.  A) what garbage  and B) what’s it got to do with the fire brigade. He is reading the paper, and She has been trying to find out what’s happened to Nana aged 86.  The last She heard (yesterday) Nana aged 86 had gone to hospital as she thought she’d broken her leg. The one that had a new hip only ten days ago.  Only Nana aged 86 could manage such a thing.  It turns out it isn’t broken, but it is a Medical Mystery like so many things about Nana aged 86, and she’s still in hospital while they try to work out what’s happened.   Nana aged 86’s medical notes make War and Peace look like a comic, and a special trolley has to  be used to wheel them around.  I do hope she gets home soon, even though she hates me.

I needed a comfort break at 5.30 this morning – it can’t be helped!  She was so grumpy about it, moaning that it wasn’t bldyworth going back to bldysleep as the bldyalarm would be going off in 20 minutes.  Most people would have simply got up and seized the day, maybe taking the opportunity to clear out the cupboard under the stairs, but oh no.  Back to bed we went, with much huffing and puffing when the alarm went off twenty minutes later.  So I wasn’t popular. Again.  Maybe because of this, my Kong filling this morning was, wait for it, cold baked beans.  No word of a lie.  Just look at the recent track record – cold porridge, cold fish pie, cold Brown Windsor soup gloup, and now cold baked beans.  I mean, I ate it of course, but really.

Well, Friends, thankfully we all have a bit of a lie-in tomorrow!  Nobody has to get up early.  Gingercat will probably start yowling at 5am, then I’ll need a comfort break at 6am, but it’s a lie-in of sorts.  I’m looking forward to it.  Nobody is at school or work for the whole weekend. Marvellous – I’ll get some walks and attention. Young Lad wants to meet up with a friend and “hang out” tomorrow, and She has texted her good friend Loadsakids, whom She hasn’t seen for ages, to see if she fancies meeting for coffee.  Loadsakids has said she was thinking about a trip to Ikea, so She said you need your bldyhead read woman, and  Loadsakids might change her mind. Lad will spend the entire morning in bed, and will moan when told to get up at lunchtime.  There was a suggestion that Lad might like to go to the cinema to see “Journey’s End”, which he is studying for GCSE.  Lad pulled a very strange face, and said, “are you mad?” when this was suggested.  That’s a no, then.  Never mind, He and Young Lad might go to watch the film about Winston Churchill.  Sounds dull beyond belief.

Oh, just a quick update.  You’ll be glad to know that Young Lad’s Passport has now been countersigned.  Colleagues 1 and 2 may  have been a bit slack earlier in the week, but were virtually fighting over the chance to redeem themselves.  Young Lad will now be able to travel, if She remembers to put it in the bldypost.

Golly, I’m exhausted.

Bye for now,

Russell

Look Who’s Back

20180208_102421 (1) Oh I had a traumatic time at the river today, Friends.  It really was a shocker.  Not only were the Bastard Swans back – and of course, we couldn’t just do a wide detour away from them, we had to go and lean over the ruddy railings to talk to them, as if the Bastard Swans cared – but nearly ALL my phobias were tested in one walk!  Dear Teddy was down there, which was fine, but his Pack Leader will insist on bringing her friend with her, the one with the skin colour I don’t like and an American accent.  So I had to steer clear of them.  Then, up in Top Field, were the Three Collies that I’ve seen before, who terrify me!  I had to whimper a lot, and stand with my front paw in the air, unsure what to do.  I just didn’t know how to get past them.  One of them had a tennis ball in his mouth, and looked VERY threatening.  In the end I managed a half mile detour through some long grass so that I didn’t have to walk past them.  As if this wasn’t enough, down by the river where the path narrows, came another huge group of schoolchildren!  At least this lot didn’t have Hi-Vis jackets on, but even so, the nasty mumbling chatter and long, long  line of them was frightening.  I had to be put on the lead and stand behind her until they’d all gone past.  It still wasn’t over.  We went into Far Field, and I spotted a man in a Dark Blue Coat with a Bobble Hat further over in the field, and felt sure he was up to no good.  So I had to bark and bray in my best Beagle voice, to show him who he was up against.

God, it was exhausting.  Apart from all the scares, it was a lovely walk, as the day was crisp and frosty, with beautiful sunshine.  I needed a comfort break at one point, and made sure I found some very long grass in which to deposit it, to heighten the challenge of finding it for the little black bag.  I also walked around a bit whilst in the middle of the comfort break, as I know this winds her up even more.  We walked for over three miles, covering Top Field and Far Field, and saw virtually everyone – Chuck, Teddy, Nicedogwalkerlady and the three hundred brown labradors.  Everyone was out enjoying the sunshine.  Even her pelvic floor held up, for once, and we managed the walk back up the hill without the sudden dash. Since I’ve been back, I’ve had to have a kip, as all the adrenalin rushing through my body dealing with all my fears has quite worn me out.

No blog last night as I warned you – Young Lad was at cricket practice, everyone was late home from work and there was Too Much To Do.    Needless to say, dinner was the usual rushed Wednesday night convenience affair, this time of egg and chips.  Not a lot on the plates for me, as they go in the dishwasher.  Selfish of them.  I was shouted at after tea, for grabbing a mixing bowl out of the dishwasher and running off with it;  it had some cake mixture on it, which I love.  I once ran off with the beaters from the food mixer, when they had cake mixture on, and then buried them in the garden when I’d finished with them.  This story didn’t end well, as they couldn’t find the beaters in the garden, until they ran over them with the lawnmower. It was bitterly cold last night, and I did feel a bit sorry for Gingercat being shut in the kitchen as usual – this seems unkind, and just because he walks round the house yowling at 3am and pats everyone on the face, I don’t feel he should be ostracised like this.

I had a good root around in the hideous cupboard under the stairs while She was out for an hour this morning.  I came a bit unstuck, as the ironing board had been slung in rather precariously and it fell on top of me.  This caused the hoover and various other things to topple over.  It really is disgusting – apparently this cupboard is to be cleared out next week, but I’ll believe it when I see it.  There had been Panic Ironing at 6. 30am when it was realised that neither Lad nor Young Lad had a clean, ironed school shirt.  How many times do I have to say it?  Time. Management.  In most working parents’ households, 5 clean, ironed school shirts are hung up in wardrobes on a Sunday night for a calm, organised week.  But not in this house, oh no.  Since we’ve been back from our walk, bldy paperwork and bldy emails have been attended to, and the large stack of paperwork in the study has been redistributed into several smaller piles.  

Yesterday I had a lovely time at dear, dear Ebony’s house.  We had a smashing walk together, and I decided to forgive her Pack Leader Male (I’ll no longer call him Judas) for fixing the inefficient lock to the Food Cupboard.  He really is rather nice, and I do love him after all.

IMG-20180207-WA0001 (1)

This is a diagram of me forgiving Ebony’s Pack Leader Male.  Ebony was cross as she wanted to sit on his knee, but there you go.

Well, Readers, I felt a little frisky after dinner tonight and have been running round the lounge with a tennis ball, growling a lot.  Lad has been chasing me, and trying to get the ball away.  Lad is meant to be doing his homework.  One could suggest that this is an Avoidance Tactic. Anyway, nobody can get the ball away from me and I am growling and barking very ferociously.  Oh look.  Young Lad has joined in.  Young Lad is also meant to be doing his homework.  Lad and Young Lad are now both lying on the carpet with me, and No Homework is Being Done.  They will be shouted at  soon to bldywellgetonwithit and stopfaffingaround.  Oh look.  Now He has joined us on the carpet.  We really are having a splendid time, He, Lad, Young Lad and I – all chasing around after a tennis ball and rolling on the carpet.  Notice the one person who isn’t joining in.  Typical.  

Dinner tonight was disappointing from the messy plates point of view – Harry Ramsdens, creamed potatoes and veg.  No gravy or sloppy liquid.  It would be nice if this were considered of a day, when dreaming up the haute cuisine menu.

Well, Readers.  I am so pleased you’re all still bothering to read my blog, and I hope you’re still enjoying it.  There have been several suggestions of me writing a book, which I think is a fabulous idea as I have so much to say, but She hasn’t gotbldytime.  I may try to persuade her.  In the meantime, do keep telling people about my little stories of a day.

I’m at dear Pippa’s house tomorrow, so will have a lovely day.

See you soon,

Russell

PG Tips

20180206_084744 I was SO annoyed this morning, Readers.  When they all went off to work and school, I went straight to the Food Cupboard as we all know I can get in there, Screwfix catch or no Screwfix catch. Normally my big box of food is on the bottom shelf, and I like to help myself to an extra breakfast or three. However, what did I find?  They’ve MOVED my food box out of the cupboard!  What the actual heck.  Not just put it on a higher shelf, Readers, but removed it from the cupboard altogether.  I was LIVID.  In sheer and utter frustration, I dragged out a box of PG Tips and took them into the lounge, where I chucked them round the floor.  I chewed holes in the box, too.  Next I had a look in the back porch and found a Shreddies box that had been put out for recycling (actually it was Tesco own version as they’re at least a pound cheaper, tightwads.)  So, still feeling aggrieved, I threw that round the lounge as well.  How dare they move my food!  It’s now On Top Of The Fridge, for the love of God.  How am I meant to get up there?  Don’t worry, I’m thinking about it.

So that was not a good start to the day.  When She came in from the school run, I sensed displeasure about the tea bags all over the carpet, but it serves them right.  Under the table was an empty Penne Pasta packet, too, which it took her a while to find.  Dried pasta doesn’t taste of much, but the crunchiness is good for my teeth. After a while, we decided to kiss and make up, and go for a lovely walk.    This didn’t start well, either, as at the bottom of our road was a HUGE group of schoolchildren, walking menacingly in twos.  The line of them went back as far as the eye could see, and I was terrified by their alarming chatter, and disturbing HiVis jackets.   Readers, this was very frightening, and I had to hide behind her legs.

Once we’d bypassed this threat, though, it was yet another stunning day – bitterly cold, it must be said, but blue skies and sunshine all the way.  Firstly we bumped into dear Ebony and her Pack Leader, coming home from their walk.  Needless to say there was the usual discussion about our respective behaviour, and how bad/good Ebony and I are in different situations.  Ebony and I were very bored by this.  Moving on down the path, I decided on a whim to take on two German Shepherds.  I haven’t done this for a while, and had forgotten what an error of judgement it is.  Luckily I was on the lead, so could be yanked out of the way.  Then, by the river, who should we see but Barney the Other Beagle.  The one that is so adorable and lovely, apparently.  Barney and I were quite playful for three and a half seconds, before both finding an interesting scent and going off with our noses on the ground.  She walked with Barney’s Pack Leader for a long way, discussing the Evils and Merits of Beagles.  Barney also gets into the food cupboards at home, and they have had to put child locks on.  Notice they didn’t try strips of Velcro!!!  Still laughing about that one. Then, Readers, I heard She and Barney’s Pack Leader oohing and aahing over something by the river.  “Oooh look, it’s an Egret, you don’t often see those, isn’t it lovely, so pure white, what a beautiful creature, I wonder if it’s nesting,” yada yada yada.  It’s a white bird. Innit. Strewth.

Once they could tear themselves away from an unexciting white bird, we caught up with NiceDogWalkerLady and her husband and the three hundred brown labradors.  Plus, to my delight, dear dear Chuck!  Still gleaming in the sunshine.  Today, though, instead of a lengthy sniff of Chuck’s rear end, I stood on my own by the gate into Far Field, looking scared.  Readers, large numbers overwhelm me, and there were just too many dogs congregated in one place.  It was intimidating.  I hope Chuck understands my rejection of his rear end today.  I hadn’t completely recovered from the Fluorescent Yellow Snake of Horrid Schoolchildren.

Back home it was fairly peaceful for a while, until the Hoover was plugged in again. I have to confess this was a little self-inflicted, as I had spat bits of cardboard from the PG Tips box everywhere.  Eventually, She went off to work, and I had a lovely time going through the Food Cupboard once more.  They might have moved my food box out, but I can still get hold of the tin foil and chuck it around, plus I knocked a couple of tins down and took a can of sardines into the lounge.  I haven’t yet worked out how to get into tins, but it won’t take me long.  When Young Lad came in from school, he had to clear up the tin foil and the cans.  This was exhausting for him, and more to the point, delayed his session on the Xbox.  Even by my own standards, I have been a  bit of a monkey today, but I feel there has been a point to be made.

Lad has had a long day at school and is supposedly doing his Chemistry homework now.   Last night we had Quiet Time after tea, so everyone could get on with their work.  Young Lad was encouraged to add to the three sentences he wrote at the weekend, though this was thwarted by Gingercat lying on top of his page as he was trying to write.  Then Gingercat headbutted Young Lad, and Young Lad’s pen.  Not known for his concentration, Young Lad found it hard to get on with his English under these circumstances.  Lad had a Maths Past Paper which was BLDY IMPOSSIBLE! and required a lot of shouting of what the actual hell, and inappropriate things like that.  One question was very vexing – “if P – n + 1, explain why DBA is a straight line.”   What a load of cobblers.

He was in late tonight, after a Long Day at Work.  Thankfully, dinner tonight was lasagne so it just needed heating up for him, and also the plates were shocking in the dishwasher, which gave me something to do.  Don’t worry, it’s on Extra Hot Wash again.  She has had an Exasperating Day at work, as Colleagues 1 and 2 were Whatsapped last night, asking if they could bring in their passports to countersign Young Lad’s passport – this needs to go in the post pretty pronto.  Colleague 1 and colleague 2 both said yes of course they would, and Colleague 1 and 2 both then forgot.  Although it turns out that Colleague 2 did actually have his Passport with him, but forgot that he had it with him.  She has been sighing a lot tonight. 

It is VERY cold tonight and I’ve heard some mention of the word snow.  I’m at Ebony’s house tomorrow, so I don’t want snow to interrupt our smashing walk together.  I think I might start talking to ‘Judas’ again – he’s had his punishment, and anyway, the silly catch didn’t work.

What a busy day I’ve had!  Probably no blog tomorrow, Readers, as it’s Wednesday and everything is on that bldytightschedule as usual.

Bye for now,

Russell

Invincible!

20180205_093728 You knew it.  I knew it. And I suspect, in his heart, ‘Judas’ knew it.  I was not going to be kept out of that food cupboard for long. The diagram shows what happened this morning during the school drop off and Large Food shop.  It was simply a case of getting my claws in exactly the right spot under the door rim, and using just the right amount of force to yank it clear of that ruddy Screwfix catch.  Once in, I knocked the top off my box of food and helped myself to a couple of meals – it was snowing slightly, outside, and I was cold!  My stomach is rather distended again now, and we all know what that means for a bit later.  Anyway, I am VERY pleased with myself and it is 1-nil to the Beagle.  I needed a sleep after this, so wasn’t pleased to be told we were going for a long walk.  In fact, I rebelled and refused to get out of my chair, so had to be attached to the lead in the lounge, and dragged bodily from where I was.

That said, it was a pretty good walk today.  Firstly I bolted off to the area where some residents throw out food for the birds, or me, and was delighted to find they’d chucked a load of cornflakes on the grass.  This was a nice dessert after my extra two meals that I’d just eaten.  She was really cross with me and had to march back from half a mile away, to put me on the lead and drag me off.  Near the river we bumped into NicedogwalkerLady and her husband, and the three hundred brown labradors.  We had a chat, and there was a comment made that it’s important for me to misbehave at home, otherwise my blog would be boring.  This statement has the wisdom of Solomon behind it – how very true.  We went off over the bridge into Far Field, where I rolled in some fox poo and was shouted at.  There was some fast marching round the field, this time to Pink’s “All About Us.”  At least this is more contemporary than the usual songs in her head.  It was rather aggressive fast walking today – possibly to compensate for sitting in the car on the bldymotorway for half the weekend – and I am quite sure Pink hasn’t ever sung “All About Us” at that speed, unless she’s taken something.  In fact we walked 3 miles in under 50 minutes, which included stopping for chats with people, so you can see how rushed this was.  On the bridge coming back from Far Field, we bumped into dear, dear Chuck who looked as handsome as ever.  How he keeps the white parts of his magnificent coat so pristine, out in the woods, I do not know.  She had a long chat with Chuck’s Pack Leader, who still reads the blog I’m glad to say, as he was waiting for someone called Sausage Sue and her many dogs to catch him up. 

Further on I could see the Inspirational three-legged dog, but thankfully he was a long way away so we didn’t have to stop and tell him, yet again, how inspirational he is. So tedious. On the way back there was a very large white Samoi, which looked a little threatening so I had to do a very wide detour of it.  “For God’s sake, Russell,” and “pathetic” weren’t the words of comfort I needed. I’m trying to have a sleep now that we’re home, but oh no, there’s frantic hoovering going on and Tidying Up.  (That won’t extend as far as the cupboard under the stairs, Regular Readers, I can guarantee.)  So Gingercat and I are trying to sleep against the backdrop of the hoover AND the washing machine. It’s awful.

He took me for a lovely walk yesterday afternoon – it was quite late on in the day, and I didn’t see many of my friends, but I behaved well for him, as I usually do.  Young Lad was supposedly doing his homework – I’m not sure that three sentences will be enough – and Lad had eventually returned from the house party the night before.  Apparently this was, “yeah, good” and required not going to sleep until some ridiculous hour. As normal, the female versions of Lad were all in a bad way and being sick in the garden at the house party.  People are very strange in what they consider a good time to be.  She eventually rocked home at tea-time, having been looking after Nana aged 86 as she came out of hospital all weekend.  It had been a Difficult Journey Home, as they had shut thebldymotorway for bldyroadworks so there was a 50 minute bldydiversion through the bldycountryside with three thousand other motorists.  Even I thought She looked a little tired, and gave her an extra warm welcome. This is partly why there was no blog last night, because by the time She had got home, knocked up a vegetable curry out of concern for the crap  convenience food everyone had eaten in her absence, told Young Lad his homework wasn’t good enough, and acquainted herself with Gordon, it was time for McMafia.  I still fail to see the attraction of this – half the time it’s in Russian with subtitles, and bores me to tears.  But I think we probably do all know what the attraction of it is, don’t we.

Oooof, that’s the first of many making its way out.  Readers, you are lucky to not be in the same room as me.

Well, I’ve heard some muttering about rearranging the kitchen cupboards, as I can clearly breach any kind of lock or catch that Screwfix and ‘Judas’ care to try.  I had better go and keep an eye on where She’s putting things.  Though I won’t worry too much, as I expect He, Lad and Young Lad will soon put things back in their normal place.  The cupboards are extra full, due to this morning’s Large Food shop.  This was done at Tesco, to avoid having to buy Homeless Guy outside Sainsburys a coffee today.  Nice attitude. I sincerely hope something decent to put in my Kong was purchased, as this morning it was two small spoons of cold, going-off custard. I kid you not.

Two biblical references in one blog!  And a cupboard breached.  Don’t ever underestimate me, dear Friends.  Tell anyone you know.

Bye for now,

Russell

Screwed by Screwfix

ae235Unbelievable.  This old-fashioned, low-tech bit of metal has so far kept me out of the food cupboard.  It has succeeded where the Velcro strips failed so spectacularly.   (Seriously, Velcro!!  What were they thinking!)  Ebony’s Pack Leader male, who will from now on be known as Judas in my blog, is probably very pleased with himself.  But Readers, don’t worry – I haven’t given up on this.  For all you know, I might not have even TRIED to get into the food cupboard yesterday.  Perhaps I was too busy and had other things to do!  Yes, in fact that’s what happened.  I didn’t even try.  Watch this space on Monday when they’re all at work/school – don’t doubt my resilience, Friends.

I had been impeccably behaved at home, yesterday, when Pippa’s Pack Leader came to collect me for daycare.  These are rare occurrences, and I get no credit for them of course. Plus, despite having been warned to the contrary, Pippa’s Pack Leader said that I smelled absolutely fine all day at their house.  That’s because I had spent the ENTIRE evening and night before releasing strong and loud gas into the atmosphere at home, which was the result of raiding my new sack of food and rather over-doing it.  It was a good job nobody bothered to light the scented candles, because I worry what might have happened when that match was struck.  They were too lazy to get off  the sofa and hunt for the matches in the disgusting cupboard under the stairs, so they just sat there with their jumpers pulled over their noses shouting, “Oh RUSSELL!” every two minutes.  Anyway, by the next morning I had released all the gas from my stomach so didn’t stink out Pippa’s house the way I had stunk out my own.

I had a lovely day with Pippa.  We had a splendid walk down at the river in the afternoon, and I was really quite energetic, running and trying hard to keep up with her.  It was all that carbohydrate.  He came to collect me once he’d picked Young Lad up from school and we all had a very peaceful hour until Lad and She got home. Being Friday, of course, it was Slovenly Pizza night, which is one of my favourite evenings as my whole family are squeezed on the sofa together, eating Tesco Margherita Stone baked and Tear and Share garlic bread.  I would personally prefer stuffed crust, as there’s a bit more to it, but nobody consults me.  I love Friday nights though.  I sit and stare at all four of them in turn, making my eyes go all big and extra brown, and lifting my soft ears slightly to look beguiling.  If that doesn’t work, I whine and bark.  Usually someone caves in and gives me a bit of crust and some carrot sticks.  It’s a lovely weekly ritual we have.  Then Lad goes off to the Xbox for the evening, and Young Lad will settle down in front of Chicago Fire.  Season 5 seems to be going on for ever.  I was so tired from my lovely walk with Pippa that I lay upside down in my chair, with paws waving in the air as I slept.

There was one unpleasant moment during the evening, though.  I was fast asleep in my chair, when Gingercat came over and decided to sharpen his claws on the arm of the chair.  This makes a hideous scratchy noise and doesn’t do a lot for the fabric.  Readers, it frightened the life out of me. I opened my eyes, looked down and saw Gingercat with his sharp claws, and just for a moment, had no idea who he was!  I leapt out of the chair with a whimper and ran in terror to my Family on the Sofa, where I jumped up onto His lap and shook.  They, of course, were all laughing hysterically that I had been spooked by a cat with whom I’ve lived for 3 years, and showed no concern for my traumatised state at all.  It was very scary.  Yes, I’m bigger than Gingercat and would clearly win in a fight, but I was VERY disorientated!  It took me ages to calm down.

Eventually Chicago Fire finished, and it was time for drinks.  There was a bit of a debate, as She had forgotten to buy a bottle of red wine on the way home, so He had to pop up the road to get one.  Needless to say, the stock of her friend Gordon in the cupboard was fine – look after number one, why don’t you.   There was lots of sighing about, “thank God it’s Friday,” and He fell asleep before the end of Eastenders.  Bedtime was nice and early, I’m pleased to say, except for Lad who managed to keep going until midnight.  I was annoyed to be woken when he tried to put Gingercat out at that hour.  Gingercat wasn’t having any of it and it was rather noisy.

Today, Readers, even though it’s the weekend, I have been Left Alone rather a lot again.  This is because Nana aged 86 is coming out of hospital, and so She has to drive a bldylongway to stay with her overnight.  I saw her put the overnight bag in the car – I don’t like that bag.  First of all of course, She ‘popped into town’ and even bought Homeless Guy outside Sainsburys a Costalotta coffee.  This was due to being on yet another tightbdlyschedule and not having time to queue up in Dreggs.  So he had a better quality coffee, but no raspberry bun this time.   Young Lad has also been neglected today – dumped with a friend for the day, regardless of how convenient this might or might not be for people.  A list of homework has been written out for him, and there is some hope that he might get Maths and French done at his friend’s house today, but I would think this unlikely.  Lad needed a long lie in this morning, after his late night, and only surfaced in time to go out and meet his friends in a town far away, for yet another House Party tonight.  He did manage to send repeated text messages asking if She could transfer some money to his bank account URGENTLY, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to buy a healthy, nutritious lunch at KFC. It didn’t seem to occur to him that She wouldn’t be able to do this while driving on the M25 in the pouring rain.  

So Young Lad was dumped with a friend, Lad went out, and He has gone to work.  I, Readers, have been rescued from the boredom of all this by Ebony’s Pack Leader yet again.  She took us for a lovely walk over in the fields, but it had been raining hard,  so Ebony and I were rather muddy.  When we got home, we were put in the back garden and the Tap was Turned On.  This means I’m going to be hosed down and I don’t like it. I took on a very cowed and defeated kind of pose in the hope that she would feel sorry for me.  It didn’t work.

It will be a quiet evening, tonight, with only He and Young Lad here.  We will have a lovely time.

I’ll have another think about the food cupboard, don’t you worry.

Bye for now,

Russell

 

Hot Chocolate

download Yesterday morning, Readers, my head was covered in the cold dregs of Lad’s hot chocolate.  I had simply put my head into the dishwasher as it was being loaded – a perfectly reasonable thing to do – when someone placed a mug upside down on the top rack, and cold Hot Chocolate dregs spattered all over my white head.  This was at the last minute, as they were rushing out the house, so there was nosoddingtime to clean me up.  I had to go to Ebony’s house with brown stains all over me – it was humiliating.  This is clearly Neglect.  Thankfully, Ebony’s Pack Leader is kind, and cleaned me up, so that I didn’t have to go out for my walk looking ridiculous.  I had a lovely day with Ebony, as usual.

I’ve no idea why there was no blog last night.  I can only apologise.  Yes, it was Wednesday which is always a latehomefromwork night, and yes, Young Lad had cricket,  and yes, there was some desperate chasing up of Lad’s prescription before the pharmacy bldyshut, but really, some effort could have been made.  Thankfully He collected Young Lad from cricket, to save more dashing round and moaning.

This morning there was an Early Morning Crisis.  Young Lad couldn’t find his school tie.  He had it last night, at cricket practice, but it has since disappeared.  This caused a lot of Stress as Young Lad was worried  he would get a Detention.  I think this is a bit like being told “In Your Bed.”  Anyway, Readers, the question you and I are asking ourselves, is why has he only got one tie?  Anyone with a modicum of sense would always have bought a spare.  In fact, this has been on the “to-do” list for several months, but has never made it off the “to-do” list.  Poor Young Lad. This is another example of Neglect.   A letter was hastily scribbled to explain why Young Lad didn’t have a tie, and to ask if the school could lend him one.  All this hassle by 7.15am.  It was exhausting.  In fact, once She had left to do the school drop and “pop into town”, I had a little sleep, then was so bored that I had to go into the cupboard under the stairs – yes, you know quite well that it still hasn’t been tidied out – and drag my new pack of food out.  I did the usual – ripped it open and helped myself.  I also threw some hoover bags round the lounge for something to do.  Then She came back and I had to sit through the usual absurd WHO did this?  routine.  Change the record.  Now, Readers, I did tuck into my food quite heavily once I’d ripped it open, and haven’t even needed dinner tonight.  I am making a lot of bad smells, though.

It was a beautiful morning, friends, absolutely glorious.  It was stunning down by the river, and the Bastard Swans still haven’t made an appearance.  I had such a lovely time – first of all, I spotted his grey marbled coat shining ahead of me; yes, it was my dear friend Chuck.  He was in stunning condition, glossy and smooth.  We sniffed each others’ backsides happily for a while, and then I was shouted at to hurry up.  Over the bridge we went, into Top Field today, which was very muddy.  There were lots of new smells and I took my time investigating every one of them.  I was a Very Long Way behind her when I stopped for a comfort break – and again, dropped it in some long grass so that it was a challenge to find.  The mood was not good.  Irritably, She put me back on the lead for the last part of Top Field as I was Too Bldy Slow.  Suddenly, a vision leapt in front of me, and it was Chuck again!  He had run away from his Pack Leader to come and find me.  I was allowed off the lead, and we romped away for a little while – Chuck’s Pack Leader used a different word from romp, but I didn’t understand it and I think it was a bit rude. Later on I saw NicedogwalkerLady and the three hundred brown labradors.  They stopped for a chat, and NiceDogWalkerLady’s husband said something about humans being stupid and dogs being clever.  He’s absolutely right.

Pardon Me.  That was rather a loud one.  This doesn’t bode well for this evening.

Once home, there was Furious Cleaning to be done.  This bored me, so I stayed in my bed in the kitchen to have a kip.  Eventually I was allowed to get In My Chair which had a clean sheet on.  It wasn’t clean for long.  Do you know what happened next, Readers?  I can barely find the words.  In came Ebony’s Pack Leader Male, whom I love dearly.  Instead of the Screwfix catalogue (see previous blog) he had a package, and a drill. Readers, he fixed a  special lock to the Food Cupboard.  They think this will keep me out of the Food Cupboard, but I like a challenge.  I’m really very upset at this betrayal by someone that I thought cared about me, and intend showing them what I think of the Screwfix lock tomorrow morning, when they’ve all gone to work.  Watch this space.  I refused to talk to Ebony’s Pack Leader Male, while he was here, and gave him my disappointed look.  I don’t like to use the word Judas, but I will.

So the house is relatively clean for once, but not if you look in any corners.  It’s been raining this afternoon and I’ve been in and out to the garden a lot, so the kitchen floor looks exactly the same as it did before She did the cleaning.   But on the plus side, the Christmas Lights have been moved from the dining room table, to Lad’s bedroom ready to go in the roof.  This will happen by Easter at a push.

Lad has yet another House Party to go to this weekend.  There will be the usual lecture about Behaviour and Safety and don’tmakeabldy show of yourself. You’ll be pleased to know, Readers, that Nana aged 86 is recovering well from her operation, even though she was High on Drugs yesterday.  Today she was quite abrupt with a poor Doctor who tried to send her home, so she is staying in hospital for another night or two.  There has been a little problem.  When She went down to look after Nana aged 86’s cat last weekend, She very sensibly went round Nana aged 86’s house, unplugging anything electrical to minimise fire risk.  Unfortunately this included the freezer.  Apparently the kitchen is now swimming in defrosted salmon in watercress sauce, and other such ready meals.  Nana laughed about this.  I suspect she is still High on Drugs.  At least I can’t be blamed for  this disaster, which makes a refreshing change.  Though I would have cleaned up the kitchen for her.

Talking of which, dinner tonight was Bangers and mash with gravy.  This is excellent on the dishwasher loading front, as the plates are a mess.  While they were all eating at the dinner table (yes I know!  Civilised!),  I inadvertently let out a very, very loud noise from under the table.  They all looked at each other in disbelief.  It could be an interesting evening.

Tell your friends, January’s viewing figures weren’t bad but I feel you could all make a bit more effort.

Bye for now,

Russell

 

 

 

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