I’ve had a problem for a couple of days, Readers. Although the flatulence I produce is often pretty awful, it has gone up a notch or two recently. I’ve obviously eaten something that really doesn’t agree with me, but have no idea what it was. I’m not feeling quite myself, Friends, and have taken to curling up for a kip in the washing basket, on top of the clean clothes. I’ve got a bit of a belly ache and I’ve been threatened with the Evil Vet if things don’t improve. I’m eating okay, obviously, as nothing stops me eating, ever. It’s just coming out the other end in loud, sulphuric emissions.
I feel better for sharing that with you. It doesn’t help, to be honest, being dragged out on these silly extra-long walks. Nearly four miles this morning, Readers, just in the one walk. I know She was hoping I’d have a good empty out in one of the fields, and relieve the problem, but I decided not to. There were so many friends out this morning! Teddy the Australian Labradoodle was barely recognisable; he’d had a Severe Haircut. I felt worried for him, as it was very cold. There was a new chap down there, called Monty – a very lively Cockapoo type thing (there seem to be an awful lot of them lately). Plus the lovely Chuck, glistening in the sun as ever, and the German Shepherd that hates me.
Over the bridge we went, and up through Top Field. Then, to my surprise, we carried on to Top, Top field! I didn’t think we’d be going back there for a while, as I rolled in fox poo last time. She seems to have forgotten. It was hideously muddy, and really a complete mistake to go up there. We seem to make a lot of these mistakes. I was covered in mud, right the way up my belly. Even Wellington boots struggled to cope with the liquid cack everywhere, and there was some amusing sliding around. I’d love it if the sliding around turned into arse over whatsit one day. So off we went, marching around Top, Top Field as fast as it was possible to march in several inches of mud. As we’d stopped to chat to several Pack Leaders early on, we were Behind Schedule on the Minutes per Mile Pace of Walking, so had to really step it up. There was a dead rabbit in the field, with its back leg chewed off, but I wasn’t allowed to go near it. Spoilsport.
I was shattered by the time we got home. On the way back we bumped into Chuck and his Pack Leader again, because they walk at a sensible pace and don’t stomp fast. With them was Sausage Sue and her many dogs, and they were discussing something called a Dorgie. Sausage Sue thought this is a cross between a Dachsund and a Corgi, but Chuck’s Pack Leader thought it was an activity involving several dogs. I didn’t really understand.
I was flat out, asleep and farting, within minutes of getting home. I was left in peace and quiet when She went to collect Lad from school – he has to stay longer on Thursdays now, due to Extra Maths Tuition, which he enjoys a lot. I think that’s what he said. Rather than face an hour’s bus journey on top of this, pity has been taken on him, and he was met with a Dreggs sausage roll and a bottle of water, as a reward for his hard work. Of course, this meant Young Lad had to walk all the way home from school, and this time there were no lifts from Friends’ Grandparents and the like. Poor Young Lad. As if he wasn’t exhausted enough, from the Efforts of Wednesday. Not only was football training on after school, followed by Indoor Cricket nets till 8pm, but Young Lad even went to basketball club in his lunch hour!! Never before has such enthusiasm for physical exertion been seen. I can’t see it lasting. Readers, I’m not sure he grasped the idea of basketball, as he didn’t take his trainers, so had to do it in his socks. For Health and Safety Reasons, the teacher said, “no running if you have socks on, “so Young Lad had to play basketball slowly in his socks. Hmmm.
I’d had a lovely day at dear, dear Ebony’s house. We had such fun and I do love her Pack Leader and Pack Leader Male. Unfortunately, my stomach was problematic even there, and I stunk the house out. They were very polite about it.
Readers, are you sitting down?
The Disgusting Cupboard Under The Stairs has been cleared out!!! I know!! It took over two hours, and a lot of swearing. A big pile of stuff including a picnic hamper that has been used once in eighteen years, has been thrown in the back of the car, ready for the charity shop. The three hundred carrier bags have been sent to recycling, and a large rug that is FILTHY is also in the boot of the car, while some thought goes into what to do with it. I made it filthy with my muddy feet. The upshot is that the cupboard is now easy to get into; one can actually see the floorboards, and the hoover and ironing board are no longer fighting with the Karcher steam cleaner. On the shelves, there are pots labelled, “nails and screws,” “candles”, “screwdrivers,” and the such like. I have never seen such terrific organisation in this house. It will last all of five minutes. I’ve been in the cupboard a few times for a good look round, but of course anything of interest has been removed. But I have to say, ten out of ten for effort. If things carry on at this rate, we might even find the oven gets cleaned one day.
Tomorrow I’m at dear Pippa’s house for daycare. Hopefully her Pack Leader is reading this tonight, so she is prepared for the awful smell. I’m hoping Lad will put the laptop away soon, as he needs to choose which subjects to do for A Level by tomorrow, and has only started considering this tonight. I have no idea what Philosophy is but it sounds dull, and I don’t really want to have to listen to tedious discussions of Nietzsche and the like for two whole years. I do wonder about people at times.
Ooof there goes another one. If this hasn’t stopped by tomorrow night, it will be the Evil vet for me, and we all know that means I have to be muzzled for them to get near me. Life is hard, Readers, at times.
See you soon,