Epic Fail

crying-woman Oh Readers, I was crying with laughter, watching her try to fit a bolt onto the Food Cupboard Door.  I did tell you it was never going to happen.  For a start, the bolt that was purchased was far too small for the door; I mean, is it not logical to think about the size needed?  So I laughed and laughed, as I watched her holding this soppy little bolt in various positions, trying to find a way to fit it.  Even more amusingly, She has lost the receipt so has bldywasted threepoundfifty in the process.  The only thing that stopped me laughing, was that the Man in Q&B suggested She tries Self-Adhesive Velcro to keep the door out of my grasp.  I can’t see that working either.  And it will look dreadful, but they won’t care.  The blue paddling pool (see earlier blog) is still piled on top of the garden table to block off the hole in the fence; such is the squalor in which we live here. She “popped into town” this morning and scoured the shops until the Self Adhesive Velcro was found.  I’ll let you know how this goes.  Personally I think the Man in Q&B knew that the silly little bolt She was holding was never going to work, but a sale is a sale.

A good walk this morning, Readers.  Due to the concerns caused by standing on the bathroom scales this week, we had to do a 3.5 mile power walk through Top Field AND Far Field.   I slowed things down a lot by stopping to pee on every molehill, and the moles had been very busy last night.  I was shouted at several times and told to hurry up.  The walk was marched in time to Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” today – no, I’ve no idea why.  I imagine there is a lesson in there somewhere. I was TOTALLY cheesed off in Far Field, when a Spaniel’s Pack Leader told her that there was a dead bird up ahead, and her dog had tried to roll in it. So of course, I was put on the lead before I could smear blackbird intestine under my neck.  This annoyed the hell out of me.  The whole point of a walk in the fields and woods is to embrace the smells and textures of nature.  That texture and smell would have been very special.  The walk back home was a little stressful.  I bounced up to a spaniel that I didn’t know, but I momentarily forgot the words for “hey, let’s play and be friends” and accidentally growled and snapped at him.  I was told off.  A few hundred yards later, a Pug with a Christmas Jumper on made a beeline for me and didn’t look friendly.  She said it was karma. Then we suddenly had to increase our pace drastically, as we had been walking fast for and hour and a quarter, and the pelvic floor problem was beginning to rear its head.  It’s possible that the pint of Diet Coke at the end of the Evening Out Socialising last night, contributed to this.  Anyway, we made it through the front door JUST in time, and thank the Lord there is a downstairs toilet.

Last night was fairly peaceful here, as Lad was on the Xbox all evening in the other room.  There was NOTHING on telly, apparently, so He and Young Lad ended up watching three episodes of Chicago Fire.  How much drama involving fires and explosions does anyone need?  Drivel.  I slept through it.  She, of course, was out Selfish Socialising. It was a very nice evening, apparently, with wine and Sharing Platters but I’m not sure She understood the ‘sharing’ aspect of Sharing Platters.  I would struggle with that, too.  It was Very Late by the time She went to bed, and we rewarded this by Gingercat yowling at 5.30am, an alarm clock going off at 6am (necessitating a stagger round the bedrooms without her glasses on to work out whose bastard alarm clock it was), and then I needed a comfort break at 7am.  I sensed some tetchiness this morning.

Readers, in an attempt to do something about the problems with the bathroom scales, a decision has been made to eat a little more healthily.  So Jamie Oliver’s Brown Windsor Soup has just been made, for lunch.  It involved finding the dregs of some pearl barley at the back of the cupboard, scraping out some very old Marmite, and a dash of also very old Worcester sauce.  It has taken an hour to make, and looks like what was on the bridge the other day (you’ll have to go back a blog or two, or use your imagination.) Still, lessons have been learned.  Pearl barley doesn’t break down in the blender.  The whole thing is reminiscent of baby food.  I’d eat it though.  

Lad has just struggled out of bed for lunch, and has an afternoon of PE revision ahead of him, if he ever getsoffthebldyphone. Young Lad put away three bags of food shopping this morning, and is consequently exhausted.  He, too, has homework to do this afternoon.  There is a discussion going on about whether this requires one to be out of one’s bldy pyjamas and dressed.  Young Lad feels not.  At the moment, Young Lad and Lad are sitting in their onesies discussing the variety of names for male genitalia.  She is trying to get through 4 loads of bldywashing including the duvet covers and sheets, as apparently Gingercat and I have got on people’s beds with muddy paws.  On the subject of Gingercat, I feel he is being very neglected.  His fur is becoming a bit thick and matted – not sleek and shiny like mine – and nobody ever bothers to comb him.  I don’t feel that “it’s a rightbldyfaff” is a very caring attitude.  It is on her List of Jobs to do today, but we all know how effective that is.

The Allocated Food List for the weekend at ParkyCenters has come through. She has been allocated “cakes” and “butter/spreads.”  This is disappointing, as She wanted to make the Chocolate Baileys Cheesecake for the three thousandth time.  Cheesecake is in the Desserts category, though, and someone else has this.  So She must stick to Lemon Drizzle and Shortbread.  We all know what the kitchen will look like after these have been made – even though it was Properly Cleaned yesterday (not by her, obviously.)

I had a lovely day at dear, dear Ebony’s yesterday, though she did that new thing of dragging the fleecy lining out of her bed so I can’t have it.  Bit rude.  My dear friend Pippa is picking up a little, and feels a tadge better so I hope I can go and see her next week, as She will be working LOADS again. 

I will let you know how the Velcro locking of the cupboards go.  Don’t hold your breath.  Very impressed to see a viewer from Latvia!  Twice!  And I think Canada are joining in now, too.  Tell your friends!

Bye for now,

 

Russell

 

 

Bolts

cranked_stainless_barrel_boltA wonderful walk this morning, Reader, simply wonderful.  Despite the grey leaden skies and drizzle, it was three miles of joy.  First of all I bumped into Teddy the Copper Australian Labradoodle and we bounced around together a little.  Teddy more so than me.  Teddy was absolutely filthy, and it makes me wonder what their kitchen floor is like, as ours is disgustingly dirty, but I imagine Teddy’s Pack Leader has higher standards.  Teddy’s Pack Leader had a friend with her today – unfortunately he was of the skin colour that I don’t like, plus he had an American accent, which was all too  much.  I did a lot of merciless racist barking at him, and made a completebldy show of myself, apparently.  She then marched me over the bridge into Top Field.  This wasn’t a good decision as it was extremely wet and muddy, but having stood on the bathroom scales this morning and screamed, there was a need for a Power Walk up a soggy, uneven hill.  I thought this was rude and antisocial as we could have continued walking with Teddy instead, but She wouldn’t listen.  Actually, I’m glad we didn’t as She had already given some of my Training Treats (ha ha) to Teddy and his brother Alfie, and there weren’t many left.   There was some diarrhoea on the bridge, but I didn’t get a good look as She pushed me away sharply.  Anyway, once back at the river, who did I see but my dear friend Chuck.  Yes!  I’d only been saying the other day that I hadn’t seen him for ages.  We sniffed each others’ backsides happily for ages and Chuck seemed to have an extra spring in his step.  His coat was beautiful, and it glistened even though there wasn’t any sunlight.  Chuck’s Pack Leader hasn’t been reading my blog over the tannoy at Sainsburys recently, and I suspect this was a temporary thing to shut down the Christmas music.

Nicedogwalkerlady and her husband were down there too, with their three hundred dogs.  We stopped and had a chat.  On the way back, a squirrel ran alongside me singing, “Come and Have A Go if you Think You’re Hard Enough,” but as I was on the lead, I pretended I hadn’t heard to save my dignity. The squirrel laughed and ran up a tree.

It really was a lovely walk.  I’m sorry for the lack of a blog again last night – She was too bone idle  busy, what with Indoor Cricket Nets for Young Lad etc.  Actually, this is cobblers, Readers, as He went to collect Young Lad as She was lying on the sofa with One Of Her Heads.  Anyway, when Young Lad came in at 8.30pm, he announced that he had History homework due in today.  So some reading and essay writing was in order at getting on for bldy 9pm, on how William 1st  successfully controlled England.  (Castles, Feudal System and the Domesday Book, in case you want to know.)  I pricked up my ears at the words Feudal System as that sounded interesting, but it wasn’t.  I hope She gets a very good mark for Young Lad’s homework.  We were all very glad to get to bed last night.  I had spent the day at dear, dear Ebony’s house, where she quickly removed the comfortable stuffing from her bed so that I couldn’t sit on it.  This was inhospitable, and meant I only had the bare shell of her bed to sleep in, while she had the fluffy bit.  Yes I do realise it’s her bed.  Ebony and I had two very long walks and I was shattered last night.

I think the One of Her Heads was partly caused by Lad and Young Lad.  Driving to work in the morning, there was a panicky phone call on her mobile from Young Lad.  Worried he’d had an accident, She safely pulled over to the side of the road, to find out he’d left his Maths book at home.  Later on in the day during an Important Meeting, Lad texted her to say he’d just had the “shittiest Maths exam EVER, not even the NEEKS could do it.”  This was all calmly and gently discussed in the evening, and the Good Parenting model of reasoning, not shouting, was followed.  To the Letter.

Regular readers will be pleased to know that She has booked a Swedish Full Body Massage for herself and J’s Pack Leader, when they go to ParkyCenters next weekend.  The good news is that this clashes with Short Tennis.  It does, however, mean they will have to join in  Geocaching.  She and J’s Pack Leader hope that this is a nice walk through the woods, stopping off at Barstucks to sit by the fire.  I think we all know that it won’t be anything like this.   She has been ASTOUNDED that, having booked two bldyexpensive treatments, She and J’s Pack Leader are not allowed to use the spa facilities afterwards unless they pay for a spa day as well.  This is outrageous and a rip-off apparently.  My feeling is that if you will go to Butlins for the Rich, what do you expect?

Lad only has two more days of Mock GCSEs, thank God.  It has been trying, to say the least. I’m very glad I don’t have to do any of these things.

Do you know where She’s going this afternoon, friends?  To somewhere called Q & B.  To buy bolts for the kitchen cupboards.  This is a rather extreme reaction to my behaviour this week, but She is sicktobldydeath of coming home from work and finding the cupboards in chaos.  As if they are ever clean and organised!  I’ll let you into a secret here.  Recently, when in someone else’s house,  She looked in their cupboard under the sink.  It was immaculate.   If one needed a light bulb, one could see they were clearly in the light bulb box.  If one needed a brillo pad, these were carefully in a plastic box with neatly folded cloths. She came home and looked at ours.  I rest my case.

I am annoyed about the bolts for the cupboard doors.  But don’t worry –  DIY skills are so poor round here that I doubt they’ll be fitted properly.  It’s just another challenge for me.

Well. my dear friend Pippa is still unwell and I’m quite worried about her.  I hope I’m not the cause of her ailment.  I did get in her bed the other day, too.  I’m not sure if there will be a blog tomorrow night, as She is going out with her friend Madame and others, for a drink and tapas.  I  think I would like Tapas, not that anyone offers me any.  I make my own tapas.  So who knows if there will be time for blog-writing amongst work and selfish socialising.

Tell your friends – more readers needed!

Bye for now,

Russell

 

 

Spicy Snack

20180109_181223 Today was very confusing, Readers.  I was meant to be going to dear, dear Pippa’s again for daycare, but sadly she wasn’t well – or pretended to be ill as she didn’t want me there, who knows – and so I couldn’t go.  This caused a flurry of text messages at 7.30am to find someone else to have the bldy dog.  Thankfully Lad wasn’t going into school till a bit later, and lovelyneighbourontheright agreed to let me out at lunchtime.  However, all this change unsettled me, and I felt the need to raid the food cupboard once Lad had finally gone to school.  I knocked the tins onto the floor as they are boring, but behind them found a pack of Chilli Edamame Beans  left over from Christmas!  I know!  A very upmarket snack , and spicy to boot.  I cleared up the half packet that was left, and had another look behind the pasta packets.  Hidden away I found a pack of dog chews – about 8 of them – which was just the thing after the Chilli Edamame Beans.  I spat the packaging onto the floor.  I must admit I felt a bit puffed up after that so went for a sleep.

Lovelyneighbourontheright came to let me out at lunchtime, but I was finding it difficult to move.  The combination of chilli and eight dog chews was a bit bloating. Anyway.  Lovelyneighbourontheright cleared up all the tins that I’d knocked onto the (dirty) kitchen floor, and tidied up.   I just want to make a point here – there were a pack of Blueberry Muffins left out on the worktop last night.  This morning, the pack had been broken into, and half a muffin eaten.  This isn’t an issue for Neighbourhood Watch because I know who it was.  Gingercat.  He does exactly the same to packets of scones.  Just rips the packet, and eats the top part of the scone/muffin with his manky fishy cat breath.  Does he get shouted at?   Moaned at?  Nope.  Gets away with bldy murder, that cat.  (Be assured, She does throw out the rest of the cat-chewed muffin, and doesn’t give it to her offspring. The birds get it, and drop bits for me. Win win.)

So needless to say I’ve been told off, once She got in from work and found out about the food cupboard.  I heard her muttering that they’ll have to get bldychildlocks put on it – you would have thought this might have occurred to them several years ago.  She is going to add this to the bldylist of things that need a handyman in for, such as the broken light switch in the downstairs toilet (well before Christmas that happened, and still nobody has bothered to do anything about it.)  And an electric towel rail in the new small bathroom as it’s bldyfreezing and nobody wants to use the shower at 6am in minus 4 degrees.  And the toilet seat in the downstairs toilet that veers off sharply to the right if you sit down too quickly.

There has been other tension here tonight, Readers, too.  Lad is in even more trouble than me.  She received a phone call at work this morning from his school, to say he hadn’t turned up for his exam.  This was concerning, as it either meant he was still asleep in bed, had been involved in an accident, or had got lost via KFC on the way to school.  Much  frantic phoning around was needed.  Finally Lad turned up at school, saying his bus was delayed.  There has been a lot of firm discussion of the Need To Let People Know and Bldywellcommunicate   and Do You Know How Bldy  Worried I was  and that sort of thing.  Young Lad and I kept out of the way while this discussion took place.  In fact, Young Lad has worked quite hard revising for a Maths Test tomorrow.  I know!  I’m surprised, too.  Young Lad is in for a tricky day tomorrow, with PE, after-school Football Club, and Indoor Cricket Training in the evening.  This is a lot to ask of someone who rarely leaves the sofa.  I feel for him.

Dinner didn’t go down well tonight.  She attempted cauliflower cheese, mashed potato and baby carrots, but nobody liked it.  This is because all the vegetables were Old and Past Their Best.  She was wittering on about why do cauliflowers sometimes go allbldygreyandwatery  and there was a lot for me to clean off the plates as they went into the dishwasher.  I didn’t mind it being grey and watery.   It looked like glue.  Poor Lad and Young Lad. But I fear the addition of cauliflower to the chilli edamame beans and dog chews might prove challenging for everyone.  The scented candles (hooray, two have burned out!) have been lit in readiness.

I saw a viewer had popped in from Bangladesh today!  Welcome, though I imagine it was a mistake.  America and Australian friends – try spreading the word a bit further?  You are big countries, and I still feel your nation could manage more than half a dozen.

Tomorrow will be excellent as I’m going to my dear friend Ebony’s house. Here I will be allowed to sit on the sofas, get into her bed and generally make myself at home.  I am FED UP with the fact She is working every day, and intend to make my feelings known.  But at the moment, those chilli edamame beans are beginning to repeat a little, so I’ll settle down for a sleep.

Before I do, a quick shout out to my young friend J in the Marsden, who only has one more night of horrid things being done and then he can go home.  J’s Pack Leader is looking forward to this immensely, as she has spent six days eating microwave ready meals.  I would love to spend six days eating microwave ready meals.  And I do hope that dear, dear Pippa feels better soon.

Bye for now,

Russell

 

 

Cold Porridge

almondvanillaporridge06 Today, Readers, they all left early for school and work.  She gave me my Kong (a big rubber ball type thing with a hole in it), which had the remains of Lad’s porridge stuffed into it.  Stone cold porridge.  Friends, how would you have felt if someone had served this up to you?  I mean, I ate it, obviously, as I don’t like waste, but really, cold porridge isn’t good enough.  I felt I needed to make a point.

And so I did.  With bells on.  Before I was collected for daycare at dear, dear Pippa’s house, I ripped up a box from the back porch and spat it over the lounge floor.  Then I went to the study and got the art and craft stuff out again, emptying a tray of it over the carpet.  Then I went up to Lad’s room, and – oh joy!! – found half a large Toblerone that hadn’t been put somewhere sensible.  I ate it.  Nice. Swiss chocolate has a certain style.  After that,  I spotted a box of David Beckham toiletries, so I ripped that open and chucked the shower gel on the floor.  I could happily have gone on with this protest all morning, but I needed a nap on the sofa, and then it was time for Pippa’s house.  I certainly hope they’ve learned their lesson, and don’t ever think of giving me cold porridge again.

Apart from that little blip on their part,  I’ve had a fantastic day.  Not only did I chill out at Pippa’s with people that  care about me, but I even Went Visiting!!  Yes, Pippa’s Pack Leader put me in her car, and drove me to visit her Mum in The Countryside.  Reader, I had a great time. Not only did I go for a mega walk in the woods, but I made myself at home in her Mum’s best armchair.  God, it was so comfortable.  She’d even put a cushion in exactly the right spot for my head.  People who know me seem to understand that I’m just not a floor dog.  It really has been an exhausting day, and I’m struggling a little tonight as my eyes keep glazing.  These damned third eyelid things keep coming over and I’ve nearly fallen asleep sitting bolt upright.  

However, let’s go back a little.  There was no blog last night, and I did in fact warn you in advance of this, but did this stop the text messages and phone calls?  No, it jolly well didn’t.  People ringing and texting half the evening to find out when the blog was going on.  Sigh.  I had said that I would probably be too bloated after lunch at Grandma’s, and this was the case.  Plus She had the bldy school uniforms to iron and a bldy button to sew onto Young Lad’s blazer for the  bldy fiftieth time. Readers, I know quite well that She could have done the blog after all these things, but James Norton phwoar  was acting superbly in something called McMafia at 9pm and so She couldn’t be bothered  distracted.   Anyway.  It had been a marvellous day at Grandma’s for lunch – Pork casserole this time, exceptionally tasty from the feedback I heard.  I did crack a couple of shocking smells from under the table, but I think I got away with it as it all blended in with the casserole.  Before sitting down, there had been Nibbles on the Low Table, which you know I like, and the Tempura Prawns made a welcome return.  I had several tail ends.  It was quite a tiring afternoon, as The Derby Chicks were there and they do like taking me in and out of the garden, seven hundred times.  This wasn’t a bad thing, though, as Grandma had thoughtfully put some bread out for the birds.  The birds didn’t get it.  There was an amusing moment, Readers, when Lad was stroking me under the table, only I was in the kitchen at the time.  It turned out he was stroking one of The Derby Chicks,  age 9, who was under the table for no apparent reason.  I feel Lad is under a lot of stress at the moment, and can’t tell the difference between a dog and a child.

Back home in the evening, I curled up on Pack Leader’s lap and had a lovely sleep.  Until I was pushed off and shouted at, because of the same digestive problem I had the other night.  I will be glad when these scented candles have burned down.  Lad did some more revision, and was tested on the Nervous System. There was some conversation about Homeostasis and reflex arcs which bored me to tears. Young Lad was meant to do some Maths revision, but seemed very happy when he attained 50% and shouted, “that’s good, that’ll do,” and went back to the Xbox.  I’m not sure that 50% is the right level of aspiration but I don’t think Young Lad cares.  There was more ‘beef’ at his school today, apparently, with a Year 9 calling a Year 7  a ****head, and some physicality.  Young Lad loved it.

She and J’s Pack Leader are feeling a little better about the upcoming weekend at ParkyCentres, as Kentgirl has now explained that she doesn’t expect them to join in all the physical activities.  Kentgirl knows that they both have severe limitations in this respect.   And probably hasn’t forgotten the image of them on a tennis court thirty years ago.  

Well, I thoroughly enjoyed the dishwasher loading tonight – it was lasagne again, and as we know, this makes a shocking mess. There was so much to slurp up off the plates as they went in – She fought me tooth and nail to get me out of the way, but I was determined. Consequently the dishwasher had to be put on an extra hot setting to make sure everything is sterilised.  She only cooked lasagne as a guilt thing again, due to working Nearly Full Time this week.  The half-hearted attempt at home-cooking makes up for having a filthy house and neglected children and dogs, in her eyes.  It doesn’t.  

Meghan Markle doesn’t neglect her beagle, and won’t neglect her children.  Mind you, I would imagine her children won’t be very  like Lad and Young Lad. I can’t imagine Meghan Markle’s dishwasher has loads of food at the bottom of it, that should have been cleaned out months ago, nor do her kitchen cupboards have paw prints and leek and potato soup (yes still) on the doors.  Life would be so different, if I lived with Meghan.

Never mind; another day at Pippa’s tomorrow!  I’ll let you know if I find anything to do before I go in the morning, and whether I am given anything as insulting as cold porridge again.

Tell your friends!  Bye for now.

Russell

Problem-solving

20180106_131534It’s perfectly simple, Readers.  Go the way I want to go round the lampost when I’m on the lead, then these problems don’t arise.  I refused to give in and She had to walk round to my side.  I met a couple of new friends down there today, who joined me in finding a pile of something rank to eat.  I had a real spring in my step as well – must have been those banned Winalot biscuits – and I ran at a cracking pace to chase a moorhen, that only got away by about, um, ten metres. Then I set off across Far Field after a squirrel, but that got away, too. Bit frustrating, but these things happen.  On the way back, a small white Highland Terrier appeared to be terrified of me and it had to be carried by its Pack Leader to get past me in the alleyway.  Pathetic.  She of course made insulting comments about beagles not being scary, just bldy greedy.

You’ll be relieved to know that the appalling flatulence seems to have passed through.  There was rather a lot to clear up in the garden this morning, and it wasn’t pleasant, as He likes to keep telling everyone.  He even had to Hose It Down.  I’ve been on Reduced Rations all day to make up for stealing half a box of contraband biscuits yesterday, and I’m starving.   The room I slept in last night surprisingly didn’t smell like a sulphur factory this morning, but the lounge still did from all the evening’s releases.  The scented candles are back on tonight.  You’ll also be relieved to know that She has found five minutes to watch the final episode of the NordicScandiNoir Weirdo Crime Thriller thing.  The main character’s daughter died, but as she was half child half pine tree, this wasn’t surprising.  What drivel. Thank God I haven’t got to sit through any more of that.  Unless there is a season 2.

Lad had a nice lie in after all his hard work with mock exams this week; he finally surfaced at lunchtime and has worked hard all afternoon. Young Lad was forced to hoover upstairs, but this was punctuated by cries of, “it makes my arms hurt” every so often.  He received no sympathy.  He also had to spend half the afternoon on homework, which, as usual, ended up with She and Young Lad shouting at each other and nearly crying. Gingercat didn’t help by sitting on the laptop and patting Young Lad on the face  – this did nothing for his concentration.   In a desperate attempt to clean up the filthy kitchen, a lot of bleach was flung around.  It is no cleaner, but smells like the local swimming pool. And – yes how could I forget this nugget – my MUZZLE was put on me again and I was held down while ear drops were administered this morning.  This is because they are bldyfedup with me violently shaking my head. That bastard muzzle is horrid.  I look like Hannibal Lecter in it.

Well, regular Readers, my young friend J is back in the Marsden having another week of nasty things done to him.  The good news is that this time he’s in an isolation ward, as he had flu last week – this is excellent, because if his Pack Leader makes a Show Of Herself in the middle of the night, like she did once before, at least it won’t be in public.  I’m not sure how easy it is to smuggle in miniature bottles of wine to an isolation ward, but I’m sure she’s found a way.

On the subject of J’s Pack Leader, there is some consternation here today.  In a few weeks’ time, She is going to ParkyCentres with her old friend KentGirl and about 400  other people, to celebrate KentGirl’s birthday.  Now.  She and J’s Pack Leader, who is also going, had envisaged this as a weekend of sitting around in pyjamas  chatting and laughing, going for the odd swim and lying in the spa reading a Good Book.  Imagine their dismay today when they saw the itinerary.  KentGirl has envisaged things rather differently – to include late night bowling, geocaching, short tennis, golf and – rumour has it – line dancing.  She and J’s Pack Leader are having to rethink their image of this weekend at ParkyCentres.  She might even have to practise riding her bike before She goes.

I’m quite exhausted tonight, as after my walk She put some stale chocolate brioche things out on the bird table.  This is a pain, because I then have to spend the next two hours running in and out, to check if any starlings have dropped a bit. It’s very tiring, and requires a lot of whining by the back door, which gets right up her nose.  Can I just say, at this point, that my regular readers might remember the afternoon spent whimsically threading monkey nuts onto a bit of cotton and hanging on the bird table.  They have not been touched.  Total.Waste.Of.Bldy.Time.

I’ll tell you something that annoyed me today.  When we started off for our walk, we had to stop and chat to neighbours for HOURS. There I am, all raring to roll in fox crap and eat vomit, but no.  We have to stand stock still for half an hour talking. First it was Ebony’s Pack Leader whom I love dearly, but I wasn’t happy when She tried to blame me for Ebony’s bad behaviour yesterday. Ebony’s Pack Leader is kind and understanding, and it’s not my fault if Ebony is jealous of my excellent behaviour and decided to play up.  Then it was a neighbour further up the road for another half an hour on the way back.  Yawn.

Tomorrow will be lovely as we are going for lunch at Grandma’s house again.  Grandma loves me and appreciates me for who I am.  And cooks excellent food.  There will be a Lot of Family there, and I am bound to get some snacks.  The car will smell shocking on the way back.  

Wow, lots of views yesterday!  How exciting – and one from the Philippines!  Was that a mistake?  THANK YOU to my friend in America, who has spread the word and there are  now six American viewers!  Keep going! Let’s see if we can get to 10!

Not sure that I’ll be blogging tomorrow night as I may be a bit bloated after lunch at Grandma’s.  In which case, see you Monday.

Bye for now,

Russell

Windy

20180105_183739Readers, there wasn’t even going to be a blog tonight.  But such is the extent of the horrific smells and loud FPPFFF type noises I’m making, that it’s only fair to lighten your Friday evening with the details.  In all the years they’ve had me, they can’t remember noises like it.  As my regular readers know, I do make the odd pfft noise when standing up at the kitchen counter begging for carrot ends.  But this, tonight, is in a league of its own.  They’ve had to turn the telly up.  I feel this is all rather undignified.  It’s not as though they never have this type of problem – I know for a fact, that when we’re out for a walk, there is sometimes a furtive look round in the woods followed by a small emission.  I won’t tell you which of my family that is, as I don’t believe in humiliating them.  Wouldn’t it be nice if they took the same approach to me? So yes, there it is – I have exceptionally awful wind tonight, which smells like bad eggs and  sounds like the air being squashed out of a balloon.

This is, unfortunately, self-inflicted.  Which is why they are cross with me.  Everyone thought I’d been so good today!  I went for a walk with Ebony and was ANGELIC – it was Ebony who ran off screaming with laughter, all across the fields and round the houses.  It was Ebony (this time) who had builders trying to catch her.  Ebony’s Pack Leader was soooo annoyed with her, and sooooo pleased with me for being good.  I behaved impeccably at their house, and it was only when I was back home alone that things went awry.  I managed to open a cupboard in the kitchen – well, I was bored – and had a good look.  Readers, there was a box of Winalot dog biscuits right there in front of me, and it said on the pack, “It’s A Dog’s Life.”  Yes indeed it is, I thought to myself, and dragged them into the lounge where I tucked in.  Now these biscuits had been confiscated because they are Bad For Me on two counts: 1) the colours and additives affect my skin and 2) they’re verybldyfattening.  Now we can add a third, can’t we.  As I write this, Young Lad and She have their jumpers pulled over their faces as they can’t cope with the odour created by the Winalot biscuits.  This will go on all evening; needless to say, the scented bldy candles have all been lit.  I must admit, the noises I’m making do actually make me jump occasionally, as they are quite explosive.  Anyway, I don’t regret eating two thirds of a box of confiscated biscuits – they were nice.  I’m just a little tired of hearing, “OHMYGOD RUSSELL!” every two minutes.  Or, “Take Cover!”

In other news, there was a treat in store for Lad tonight.  She felt he deserved a little reward for revising hard (ish) and managing to fit in some exams around the Xbox. So instead of Tesco thin crust Cheese Feast pizza (£2.50 each) She splashed out on Dominohsopricey pizza from up the road.  Lad was v pleased as this rarely happens, due to it being overpriced rubbish.  Even with the Buy One Get One Free if- you- can- be -bothered- to- go -and- collect offer, this is astronomically  expensive for a bit of flour and water, with cheese and tomato on.  But of course, the Price wasn’t mentioned (much) as Lad and Young Lad enjoyed their takeaway treat.  It’s important to point out that they had crudites of carrots, cucumber, celery and tomatoes though – it wasn’t just junk.  And She didn’t have pizza at all due to the Christmas Calories; instead opting for a healthy piece of lightly dusted plaice from Sparks Mean Marks.  Smug, isn’t She.  This has nothing to do with the fact that the zip on her trousers broke at work as She was leaving tonight, and She had to stagger to the car holding her coat round her in the hope her trousers didn’t fall down.

Anyway, I digress. They are all bldy glad it’s the bldy weekend, although I’ve a suspicion that Young Lad has a lot of homework to do, as he’s done bugger all during the week.  He will be sad about this.  Time management is such an important life skill.  Lad will have more revision, but will, of course, need a lie in first.  He and Young Lad want to watch a football match on TV tonight, so there has been some negotiation going on as She wants to chill out with decent telly.  We all know this means the ScandiNordiNoir Weird Crime Thriller thing, where the people are turning into plants. I fail to see the attraction of this nonsense.

I’ve heard a rumour that She is working virtually full-time next week, Readers.  This isn’t on, and I am planning how to show my distaste.  The good thing is that I’ll be spending time with dear, dear Pippa and dear, dear Ebony, if she is off the naughty step by then.  I haven’t seen the lovely Chuck at the river for ages, so am hoping we’ll catch up over the weekend.  I have now been banished from the sofa, Readers – it’s Friday night, for Goodness’sake!  But no, I am to spend the evening in my chair across the room, so they have some hope of breathing. And nobody wants me to sleep near them tonight – how hurtful.  Even Gingercat’s nostrils are flaring a bit.  Let’s  hope this passes through soon.

Hope this has all cheered you along on your Friday evening, and that you had finished eating.  I can assure you wholeheartedly that wherever you are tonight, friends, it smells better than here.

Bye for now,

Russell

 

60 minutes

IMG_08761 Readers, what can you do in one hour?  Sixty minutes?  Here’s what I managed in that amount of time this morning.

1. Ate a large bulky broccoli stem from the back porch.

2.Pulled my new box of food from out of the cupboard under the stairs (still not tidied out and worse than ever), dragged it into the lounge, ripped through the box, ripped through the packet and ate loads of it.

3. Needed some dessert after that, so went up to Lad’s bedroom, found his Christmas stocking, chewed holes in it and found two chocolate coins at the bottom.  Ate them.

That’s not bad going for sixty minutes, is it?  If you did a time & motion study on me, I’d score quite well for efficiency.  Of course, this isn’t appreciated by my family and I was shouted at for the mess I’d made, and the extra meals I’d eaten.  I only had the house to myself for that one hour, while She did the school run, so I made the most of it.  She screeched the usual stupid, “WHO did this?” when She saw the mess, so I stayed where I was on Young Lad’s bed, and wagged my tail at the thought of what a nice time I’d had.  It was a funny old day after that.  She stayed home all day, which was nice once I’d been forgiven and we cuddled up under the fleece. As She was feeling crap  Under The Weather, there was less of the normal charging around with hoovers and cleaning implements.  I had a snooze while She attempted to watch another episode of the Scandi Nordi Noir crime thriller thing, but She fell asleep, and by the time She awoke, some of the characters had turned into plants.  No, I have no idea why either.

I did look out the window at one point and the elderly lady with the walking frame was at the bus stop. BUT, Readers, she also had a sinister looking umbrella as it was pouring, so I had to bark a bit extra at her to make sure she didn’t attack my house.   I also barked at the postman when he came to deliver the missing purse – yes,we can all breathe again, and those Tesco clubcard points can now stack up once more.   Despite feeling crap Under The Weather, we did have a walk as fresh air can be invigorating. Not many friends down there today – saw Lexie and her stick in the distance – because we missed the popular 10.30am walking slot. While we were out, Storm Eleanor decided to pop back, so the walk was cut short and a return to the fleece on the sofa was in order.  The problem with being out in high winds for beagles, is that our ears blow out like the flaps on a plane and we look ridiculous.  

Lad came home at lunchtime after doing another Mock exam.  This dreary state of affairs stretches on for another TWO weeks, yet.  He claimed he didn’t feel well enough for revision so he might go on the Xbox instead, but was told there was no logic in this argument whatsoever.  Readers, I actually saw her put the Xbox controller in the oven, so he couldn’t find it.  Lad dutifully worked all afternoon on Maths, which is Not His Favourite Subject, and there was some tension.  Simplifying quadratic algebraic fractions seems to require a lot of Bad Language. And Youtube, to find out how to bldy do it.

Young Lad had a good day at school, largely because there was some ‘beef’ at lunchtime.  This isn’t the sort of beef I like, but involves schoolboys fighting. According to Young Lad, this happens every day. He loves watching. Today’s beef was particularly good as there was some juicy swearing as well.  I wonder whether Young Lad has missed the point of secondary education. 

Another update for my regular readers.  The hoover bag has been carefully cut open, and the grim insides pulled apart.  Success!  The small airfix pilot has been found, as has a sock and several drawing pins.  Sadly, Readers, Young Lad’s tooth was not easy to find.  Instead, there was a dried up sweetcorn kernel, so She lied and said that was his tooth, and gave him a quid.  

Well, I have made it clear to them today that the cupboard under the stairs is STILL shocking, and they really should have put away the Christmas stockings by now.  But will I be thanked for my help?  Oh no.

They’re all at work and school tomorrow, Readers, and I have a good feeling about it.  I’ll keep you posted.

Bye for now,

Russell

 

Move over

IMG-20180103-WA0000 Evening, friends.  The thing is, I was the guest at Ebony’s house today and to be honest I was disappointed by her hospitality. True friends would give up their bed for their visitor, but no – she insisted on squeezing in too.  There simply wasn’t enough room for us both to have a comfortable sleep. That’s why I look so tired in this picture.

Anyway, sorry there was no blog last night.  The First Day Back at Work was oh so strenuous and She was too knackered  busy last night. To be honest, there wasn’t much to report.  I had actually behaved really well while they went back to school and work – but don’t forget Lad was here all day, on “study leave”.  So my opportunities for raiding the bins and pulling stuff out of cupboards was limited. Lad was Rudely Awakened when they left for work with a cup of coffee.  He soon went back to sleep, but was later Rudely Awakened again by an alarm clock carefully placed by his bed – this was in case he forgot what “study day” actually meant.  He finally got the message at lunchtime.  Despite the very inclement weather, and the fact that Lad and I were perfectly happy cuddled up under the new fleece while he “revised”, various text messages were sent all day telling him to take me out for a walk.  Lad lost the will to live just before they returned from work, and dragged me round the rec.  Or that’s his story, anyway. The empty crisp packets/selection boxes scattered round the house suggest a different story.

Readers, I feel some updates are overdue.  The shark jigsaw has still not been finished.  I know many of you will have been wondering.  It is on the snooker table, to get it out thebldyway but sadly nobody has managed to solve the puzzle.  They seem to have lost interest and have no staying power.  I feel it is a cop- out to claim it doesn’t have the right pieces, they are just lazy.  They need to learn from Lad, who completed Lego Tower Bridge when he was 10.  Go on, google it.  It has 4,295 pieces and costs over £200.  Compare this to a shark jigsaw that has 250 pieces and cost six quid.  I rest my case – no resilience whatsoever.   Likewise, only one Airfix model has been completed.  And Young Lad contributed nothing to this. 

Secondly, LovelyDor’s Christmas tree lights that she lent us to replace the ones I ate through, have been mistakenly stashed in the roof with the rest of the decorations.  She will have to go up in the roof when she has a bldyspareminute to retrieve them.   Thirdly, they had another Nice Family Film afternoon on New Year’s Day.  This time it was The Birds by Alfred Hitchcock.  Their parenting style is odd, if you ask me. And the ending was rubbish.

 Remember the nervous breakdown on Monday?  Her purse has now been posted Special Delivery, so She might be reunited with her Tesco clubcard and spending ability tomorrow.  I will let you know when it is safely back in her handbag, and we can all stop worrying.  

While I write my blog tonight, they are watching the news.  I can’t believe my ears.  Donald Trump has tweeted that his nuclear weapon button is bigger and more powerful than Kim Jong Un’s nuclear button.  Have I heard that right?  Wtf?

Last night He and Lad went to Wet Sham yet again.  I really don’t know why they bother, and She felt this was Foolish the night before Lad had a mock exam.  Lad said it was only English Language and doesn’t count.  It was nice though – Young Lad, She and I cuddled up under the fleece on the sofa (yes, I had been there pretty much all day), and watched Eastenders.  This was crap, but the cuddle on the sofa was nice.  Then She made Young Lad go to bed early as he “looked tired”, but this was really only so She could put another Nordic Noir Weirdo Crime thing on.  It was better than River Monsters (see previous blogs) but still a bit odd for my liking.  The wind was howling outside, thanks to Storm Eleanor building up, which added to the atmosphere of the Nordic Noir Weirdo Crime thing.  During the night Storm Eleanor really got going and my sleep was disturbed several times by rattling windows and trees.  This was annoying.

So this morning, everyone was up at 6.15 am, or at least, Lad was being encouraged to lower his legs to the floor from his bed and stand upright.  This took a further 30 minutes to be successful.  I was told to get out the way several times, as She tried to make packed lunches, and I was “underherbldyfeet.”  There were crumbs on the (dirty) floor as usual, and I even found some old cat biscuits under the fridge, which I coaxed out. I can’t help it if She chooses this particular time to make the packed lunches.  Most working mothers do it the night before, and show some sense of organisation.  I was quite annoyed when they all left, as the kitchen bin (full again, disgusting) was put outside the back door, the bathroom bin (also disgusting) was put into the bath where I can’t reach it, and all the bedroom doors were shut.  Boring, boring.  Thankfully Ebony’s Pack Leader came to my rescue and took me out for a walk with Ebony, even though Storm Eleanor was still having a go.  I tried so hard to keep up with Ebony, and had to bark at her a couple of times to get her to wait for me.  As a result I am really, really tired tonight, and can’t wait for bedtime.

Please tell anyone else you can about my blog – She wants to get more views.  God knows why.

See you soon,

Russell

Cambozola!

418cbHlNVwL._SY355_Happy New Year, friends!!  Sorry there was no blog for the last couple of nights, but I did warn you, and I’ve been busy.  I’ve had a lovely couple of days away visiting Family.  First of all, four people plus me plus their bags plus large bags of food were crammed into an ordinary car, and set off for a 100 mile journey.  What fun.  There was no arguing or fighting whatsoever in the run up to leaving home.  It was seamless. Ha ha.  Lad insisted on bringing his own duvet and pillow, which added to the uncomfortable squash in the car, but meant that he had a nice sleep.  Young Lad had been told over and over again not to go on his phone in the car, but ignored advice and then threw up two seconds from our destination.  Luckily he got it into the washing detergent plastic tub kept in the car for this purpose.  I was shocked, Readers, that She simply emptied this out into the gutter in the road, saying “therainwillwashitaway.”  What an awful attitude. 100 miles with 4 people, a dog and a ridiculous amount of stuff in the car is no excuse for that sort of bad mood.   Lad and Young Lad were dumped with Nana while He and She took me in the lovely park nearby for a walk and a coffee.  This was nice – it’s a massive park on the edge of a farm, and has wondrous smells.  They didn’t let me off through the cow fields this time, though, as I usually find a good, fresh cowpat to roll in.  Instead, She insisted on walking up through the woods as it would be “less muddy” – Yeah, right.  It was shocking.  But I loved it.  Most of the time we were walking, they were wittering on about the Price of the Coffee in the Lovely Manor House that we often go to.  It seems that £6.30 for 2 bldysmalllukewarm coffees is rather a lot, and they are takingthebldypiss. 

Then we had lunch at Nana’s house.  Nana doesn’t like me.  I’m not sure why. She says I smell, and frighten her cat.  Generally I just sleep  quietly on her sofa, though I will admit my anal glands often play up when we visit her.  I tried my hardest to ingratiate myself with her, by laying my head on her knee and going to sleep, but she still doesn’t like me.  It was Fish and Chips from down the road for tea, which was excellent – the smell was divine and I did a lot of whining and stamping my feet.  (She shared a portion of a portion with Young Lad again, of course.  Three mouthfuls, in fact.)  There was nothing on telly, so they played board games all evening.  This is quite impressive, bearing in mind Nana is 86 years old.

New Year’s Eve was excellent – we all had a lovely lie in.  In fact,  She woke up screaming, “for the love of God it’s quartertoten!” as there were People Coming For Lunch.  Thankfully He took me out for a nice walk, so we could both get away from the general stress of Lunch Preparation.  He and I like going for walks at times like this.  Anyway, her brother Funnygit, his wife and The Cousins arrived and it was all very jolly.  There were drinks and nibbles BUT, and I know this will come as a shock to my regular readers – NO TEMPURA PRAWNS!!  I know!  Asda just didn’t have any so they had to make do with mini hash browns and red pepper &  feta parcels.  I missed the Tempura prawns, to be honest.

Lunch was a veritable feast, but I was still trying to impress Nana and slept soundly on the sofa in the other room, rather than scrounging at the table. Eventually I gave up trying to impress her, and scrounged at the table which was more fun.  There were meat platters, fish platters, cheese platters, salads and jacket potatoes.  It would be hard to tell you what my favourite is, out of all this, as I don’t actually taste anything as it flies down my throat.  The Chocolate Baileys cheesecake went down a treat again – I know for a fact Funnygit’s wife and one of the cousins had two helpings.  The pecan pie was not a crowd-pleaser, Readers, and will not be repeated.  The Cousins kept calling it Pigeon Pie and sniggering.  I would quite like Pigeon pie, I think.  Or pecan pie, come to that.  They had a lot of fun after lunch, crammed into a small room playing board games, and they all screamed with laughter when She moved back on her plastic garden chair, and it broke – violently throwing her to the ground.  Funnygit showed some compassion for once in his life, and helped her up, whilst everyone else laughed.  Apart from Nana, who was concerned about her broken chair.  I was asleep on the sofa during all this.

The highlight of my New Year’s Eve came when they were Clearing Up the Kitchen.  He has done about three hundred bowls of washing up over the weekend, due to the lack of a working dishwasher, and Funnygit was carefully wrapping up the left-over cheeses in clingfilm.  Well, not that carefully as it turned out.  I pretended I wasn’t looking, but my reflexes were SUPERB as he dropped a large piece of Cambozola onto the kitchen floor.  I had it down in three gulps.  Now, Readers, try to imagine the effect of Blue Brie on my flatulence…and they had 100 miles to drive back with me in the car….  God, it was GORGEOUS!   Have you tried Cambozola?  So creamy, with that slight bite of the blue veins.  What a treat.  Try some!  You may like to eat a small piece, rather than a large wedge of it, like I did.

Well it’s nice to be home again, and back to normal.  He and Young Lad have been busy today taking down all the decorations and putting them back in the roof for next year.  She had a minor nervous breakdown this morning when She “popped into town” and discovered that She has left her purse 100 miles away at Nana’s house.  You may be worried, Readers, that She had no money, credit cards, bank cards with her, but it’s ok!   She had 234 points on her Costalotta app on the phone, which meant She could sob into a small Americano.  But Homeless Guy had to go without today, and She explained why.  He didn’t look convinced.  She took me for a long, fast power walk to de-stress from finding She has left her purse 100 miles away, and it was lovely down there.  The river has Burst Its Banks (see previous blog re tedious conversation on the bridge about how high the river was), and some of the path is flooded.  I got rather wet.  We went up through Top Field, but I couldn’t find anything decomposing today.  Saw a few friends; Barney the Nice Beagle was there, and we both ran off to the regular places that have food smells.  I also saw someone who looked like Teddy the Australian Labradoodle, but it turned out to be Colin the Cockapoo.  I came home very muddy and had to dry off in my bed.

Well, Readers, tomorrow will be interesting.  They are Back To Work and School.  I will be home alone, although Lad is here for “Study Week.”  There has been a conversation about this, as it it not “Stay In bed till Lunch” week.  Now, whether I can get up to anything naughty before Lad stirs himself out of bed tomorrow, I don’t know.  I will do my best and let you know.

A very, very happy New Year to you, and I’ll keep on blogging all the time anyone can be arsed to read it.

See you soon,

Russell

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