Oh Readers, it was all going so well. In attempt to look like a normal family, a Sunday Lunch was cooked with all the usual components. Just as it was served up, however, the saucepan with the gravy bubbling happily in it, was knocked flying. (Much Bad Swearing). It crashed onto the hard floor, ejecting a large quantity of brown goo all over the place. If you remember, the filthy kitchen was finally cleaned on Friday. Well. Had She stopped what She was doing and cleaned it up straight away it wouldn’t have been so bad, but oh no – She was so desperate to eat her Sunday Lunch that the mess was just left for me to lick up. Readers, I did my best! But the combination of glutinous gravy and my saliva was fatal, and it all dried in. It was EVERYWHERE. Over the fridge door, washing machine, up the walls, cupboard doors………dear God, it looked like a gravy slaughterhouse. But more to the point, the Roasties didn’t have anything on them, which was obviously not really up to scratch.
The Velcro strips have been stuck on the food cupboard door, ready to try out the next time they Leave Me Alone. I can guarantee I will either rip the Velcro Strips straight off or they simply won’t be strong enough to hold the cupboard shut. What a ridiculous idea. I’m really looking forward to trying this out. I was rather put out this morning, actually, as She was looking after the Young Cockapoo puppy next door, and decided to bring him into My House. This got right on my nerves. Not only did the young upstart keep jumping all over me, trying to FORCE me to play, but he even dragged my toys out of my basket and chewed them. Now, I haven’t taken any notice of the toys for several years, but that isn’t the point. I had to bark a few times at the little sausage, to put him firmly in his place. Then I sat on the sofa and sulked for an hour, giving everyone filthy looks.
It was quite a barky morning. The Large Man Over The Back was in his garden, which upsets me. And there was someone else with him, climbing up a tree to saw bits off! This really irritated me and I had to let rip. Then the nice neighbours on the left got into their car to go out, so I had bay loudly at them as well, from the safety of the sofa. I wish people wouldn’t do these intimidating things.
It is Sunday today, which is always a Spiritual Day here. He shows his devotion to the Sunday Telegraph, especially the Sports Section, while Lad meditates in bed, and Young Lad reveres the Xbox. She, of course, “popped into town” and reflected heavily in Costalotta. Homeless Guy was outside Sainsburys, and was pleased with his Greggs coffee (still 50p cheaper than Costalotta) and a raspberry doughnut. However, the day had not started in a Spiritually Pleasant way for me. Yesterday the White John Lewis duvet cover (look, new readers, take a day off work and go back to the beginning for God’s sake) was put back on the bed. There is a manky old sheet put on top of this so I don’t spoil it. We had a little stand off this morning, as I wanted to get onto the nice white John Lewis pillows, and She said I had to sit on the manky sheet. She dragged me, bodily, off the nice white John Lewis part, and dumped me on the manky sheet. I waited till She left the room and went back to where I started. She came back in and dragged me off again. I waited till She left….anyway, you get the idea. This charade went on for about twenty minutes, by which time I was bored and went downstairs to look for food. Those of you thinking, oh how disgusting that a dog gets on a bed -jog on. I am not, and never have been, a floor dog. And the time they tried to crate train me! Ha ha! Lasted half an hour.
Quite incredibly, a Family Dog Walk was achieved this afternoon! Lad and Young Lad, despite being in their pyjamas, were told that No was not being taken for an answer, and they had to put Old Clothes and Wellies on. It was splendid – we went over the bridge, up through Far Field and into the woods to the Pheasant Field. It was a long, muddy and gorgeous-smelling walk. Several times, I thought I saw some prey and took off at a cracking pace, so that Lad had to run after me. I didn’t catch anything. There were hundreds of other Families down there, out for a Sunday walk. He always says hello to everyone we pass, which is very polite, but gets on Lad’s nerves, who prefers to put his hood up, head down, and make no eye contact with anyone. Young Lad didn’t stop talking for the entire 3 miles, and it was complete claptrap. But I did have a lovely time, and am exhausted now.
Other than that, it has been an afternoon of homework and bldylaundry yet again. I think we are up to 6 loads this weekend. Friends, things are rather behind schedule tonight as none of the bldyschoolshirts have been ironed and there is still a damp load of stuff in the tumble dryer. She needs to get a move on as James Norton (that fine young actor whose acting talents are the main attraction) is on the telly at 9 in McMafia, and there are still lots of jobs to do. It bothers me that nobody has hoovered the lounge this weekend – standards are slipping even further. Lad hoovered upstairs yesterday but seemed to feel the bottom of the stairs was some sort of geographical border so put the hoover away. He has ordered a pair of Designer Jeans tonight, which will make a pleasant change from the Designer Tracksuits, but there was lots of old fuddy duddy comments about “how much?!!!” and “they’ve got rips in them, how much?!!!” Lad says they are out of touch. I could have ripped some for him for a fraction of the price.
Well, Young Lad is now on his fifth episode of Chicago Fire of the weekend, which is helping me to sleep deeply. Don’t worry, he has done some homework too – this morning he had to write six important facts about the life of Muhammad. Wearisome or what.
I will let you know how I get on with the Velcro. I think we know how I will get on with it.
Bye for now,