Epic Fail

crying-woman Oh Readers, I was crying with laughter, watching her try to fit a bolt onto the Food Cupboard Door.  I did tell you it was never going to happen.  For a start, the bolt that was purchased was far too small for the door; I mean, is it not logical to think about the size needed?  So I laughed and laughed, as I watched her holding this soppy little bolt in various positions, trying to find a way to fit it.  Even more amusingly, She has lost the receipt so has bldywasted threepoundfifty in the process.  The only thing that stopped me laughing, was that the Man in Q&B suggested She tries Self-Adhesive Velcro to keep the door out of my grasp.  I can’t see that working either.  And it will look dreadful, but they won’t care.  The blue paddling pool (see earlier blog) is still piled on top of the garden table to block off the hole in the fence; such is the squalor in which we live here. She “popped into town” this morning and scoured the shops until the Self Adhesive Velcro was found.  I’ll let you know how this goes.  Personally I think the Man in Q&B knew that the silly little bolt She was holding was never going to work, but a sale is a sale.

A good walk this morning, Readers.  Due to the concerns caused by standing on the bathroom scales this week, we had to do a 3.5 mile power walk through Top Field AND Far Field.   I slowed things down a lot by stopping to pee on every molehill, and the moles had been very busy last night.  I was shouted at several times and told to hurry up.  The walk was marched in time to Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” today – no, I’ve no idea why.  I imagine there is a lesson in there somewhere. I was TOTALLY cheesed off in Far Field, when a Spaniel’s Pack Leader told her that there was a dead bird up ahead, and her dog had tried to roll in it. So of course, I was put on the lead before I could smear blackbird intestine under my neck.  This annoyed the hell out of me.  The whole point of a walk in the fields and woods is to embrace the smells and textures of nature.  That texture and smell would have been very special.  The walk back home was a little stressful.  I bounced up to a spaniel that I didn’t know, but I momentarily forgot the words for “hey, let’s play and be friends” and accidentally growled and snapped at him.  I was told off.  A few hundred yards later, a Pug with a Christmas Jumper on made a beeline for me and didn’t look friendly.  She said it was karma. Then we suddenly had to increase our pace drastically, as we had been walking fast for and hour and a quarter, and the pelvic floor problem was beginning to rear its head.  It’s possible that the pint of Diet Coke at the end of the Evening Out Socialising last night, contributed to this.  Anyway, we made it through the front door JUST in time, and thank the Lord there is a downstairs toilet.

Last night was fairly peaceful here, as Lad was on the Xbox all evening in the other room.  There was NOTHING on telly, apparently, so He and Young Lad ended up watching three episodes of Chicago Fire.  How much drama involving fires and explosions does anyone need?  Drivel.  I slept through it.  She, of course, was out Selfish Socialising. It was a very nice evening, apparently, with wine and Sharing Platters but I’m not sure She understood the ‘sharing’ aspect of Sharing Platters.  I would struggle with that, too.  It was Very Late by the time She went to bed, and we rewarded this by Gingercat yowling at 5.30am, an alarm clock going off at 6am (necessitating a stagger round the bedrooms without her glasses on to work out whose bastard alarm clock it was), and then I needed a comfort break at 7am.  I sensed some tetchiness this morning.

Readers, in an attempt to do something about the problems with the bathroom scales, a decision has been made to eat a little more healthily.  So Jamie Oliver’s Brown Windsor Soup has just been made, for lunch.  It involved finding the dregs of some pearl barley at the back of the cupboard, scraping out some very old Marmite, and a dash of also very old Worcester sauce.  It has taken an hour to make, and looks like what was on the bridge the other day (you’ll have to go back a blog or two, or use your imagination.) Still, lessons have been learned.  Pearl barley doesn’t break down in the blender.  The whole thing is reminiscent of baby food.  I’d eat it though.  

Lad has just struggled out of bed for lunch, and has an afternoon of PE revision ahead of him, if he ever getsoffthebldyphone. Young Lad put away three bags of food shopping this morning, and is consequently exhausted.  He, too, has homework to do this afternoon.  There is a discussion going on about whether this requires one to be out of one’s bldy pyjamas and dressed.  Young Lad feels not.  At the moment, Young Lad and Lad are sitting in their onesies discussing the variety of names for male genitalia.  She is trying to get through 4 loads of bldywashing including the duvet covers and sheets, as apparently Gingercat and I have got on people’s beds with muddy paws.  On the subject of Gingercat, I feel he is being very neglected.  His fur is becoming a bit thick and matted – not sleek and shiny like mine – and nobody ever bothers to comb him.  I don’t feel that “it’s a rightbldyfaff” is a very caring attitude.  It is on her List of Jobs to do today, but we all know how effective that is.

The Allocated Food List for the weekend at ParkyCenters has come through. She has been allocated “cakes” and “butter/spreads.”  This is disappointing, as She wanted to make the Chocolate Baileys Cheesecake for the three thousandth time.  Cheesecake is in the Desserts category, though, and someone else has this.  So She must stick to Lemon Drizzle and Shortbread.  We all know what the kitchen will look like after these have been made – even though it was Properly Cleaned yesterday (not by her, obviously.)

I had a lovely day at dear, dear Ebony’s yesterday, though she did that new thing of dragging the fleecy lining out of her bed so I can’t have it.  Bit rude.  My dear friend Pippa is picking up a little, and feels a tadge better so I hope I can go and see her next week, as She will be working LOADS again. 

I will let you know how the Velcro locking of the cupboards go.  Don’t hold your breath.  Very impressed to see a viewer from Latvia!  Twice!  And I think Canada are joining in now, too.  Tell your friends!

Bye for now,





Author: boredbeagle

Slightly stocky beagle who lives with a family. This is She, He, Lad and Young Lad. And Gingercat. Generally doesn't get enough attention and so writes this blog to let everyone know what his life is like. You need to start from page one (First Attempt).. Go on, it's worth the effort.

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