Readers, there wasn’t even going to be a blog tonight. But such is the extent of the horrific smells and loud FPPFFF type noises I’m making, that it’s only fair to lighten your Friday evening with the details. In all the years they’ve had me, they can’t remember noises like it. As my regular readers know, I do make the odd pfft noise when standing up at the kitchen counter begging for carrot ends. But this, tonight, is in a league of its own. They’ve had to turn the telly up. I feel this is all rather undignified. It’s not as though they never have this type of problem – I know for a fact, that when we’re out for a walk, there is sometimes a furtive look round in the woods followed by a small emission. I won’t tell you which of my family that is, as I don’t believe in humiliating them. Wouldn’t it be nice if they took the same approach to me? So yes, there it is – I have exceptionally awful wind tonight, which smells like bad eggs and sounds like the air being squashed out of a balloon.
This is, unfortunately, self-inflicted. Which is why they are cross with me. Everyone thought I’d been so good today! I went for a walk with Ebony and was ANGELIC – it was Ebony who ran off screaming with laughter, all across the fields and round the houses. It was Ebony (this time) who had builders trying to catch her. Ebony’s Pack Leader was soooo annoyed with her, and sooooo pleased with me for being good. I behaved impeccably at their house, and it was only when I was back home alone that things went awry. I managed to open a cupboard in the kitchen – well, I was bored – and had a good look. Readers, there was a box of Winalot dog biscuits right there in front of me, and it said on the pack, “It’s A Dog’s Life.” Yes indeed it is, I thought to myself, and dragged them into the lounge where I tucked in. Now these biscuits had been confiscated because they are Bad For Me on two counts: 1) the colours and additives affect my skin and 2) they’re verybldyfattening. Now we can add a third, can’t we. As I write this, Young Lad and She have their jumpers pulled over their faces as they can’t cope with the odour created by the Winalot biscuits. This will go on all evening; needless to say, the scented bldy candles have all been lit. I must admit, the noises I’m making do actually make me jump occasionally, as they are quite explosive. Anyway, I don’t regret eating two thirds of a box of confiscated biscuits – they were nice. I’m just a little tired of hearing, “OHMYGOD RUSSELL!” every two minutes. Or, “Take Cover!”
In other news, there was a treat in store for Lad tonight. She felt he deserved a little reward for revising hard (ish) and managing to fit in some exams around the Xbox. So instead of Tesco thin crust Cheese Feast pizza (£2.50 each) She splashed out on Dominohsopricey pizza from up the road. Lad was v pleased as this rarely happens, due to it being overpriced rubbish. Even with the Buy One Get One Free if- you- can- be -bothered- to- go -and- collect offer, this is astronomically expensive for a bit of flour and water, with cheese and tomato on. But of course, the Price wasn’t mentioned (much) as Lad and Young Lad enjoyed their takeaway treat. It’s important to point out that they had crudites of carrots, cucumber, celery and tomatoes though – it wasn’t just junk. And She didn’t have pizza at all due to the Christmas Calories; instead opting for a healthy piece of lightly dusted plaice from Sparks Mean Marks. Smug, isn’t She. This has nothing to do with the fact that the zip on her trousers broke at work as She was leaving tonight, and She had to stagger to the car holding her coat round her in the hope her trousers didn’t fall down.
Anyway, I digress. They are all bldy glad it’s the bldy weekend, although I’ve a suspicion that Young Lad has a lot of homework to do, as he’s done bugger all during the week. He will be sad about this. Time management is such an important life skill. Lad will have more revision, but will, of course, need a lie in first. He and Young Lad want to watch a football match on TV tonight, so there has been some negotiation going on as She wants to chill out with decent telly. We all know this means the ScandiNordiNoir Weird Crime Thriller thing, where the people are turning into plants. I fail to see the attraction of this nonsense.
I’ve heard a rumour that She is working virtually full-time next week, Readers. This isn’t on, and I am planning how to show my distaste. The good thing is that I’ll be spending time with dear, dear Pippa and dear, dear Ebony, if she is off the naughty step by then. I haven’t seen the lovely Chuck at the river for ages, so am hoping we’ll catch up over the weekend. I have now been banished from the sofa, Readers – it’s Friday night, for Goodness’sake! But no, I am to spend the evening in my chair across the room, so they have some hope of breathing. And nobody wants me to sleep near them tonight – how hurtful. Even Gingercat’s nostrils are flaring a bit. Let’s hope this passes through soon.
Hope this has all cheered you along on your Friday evening, and that you had finished eating. I can assure you wholeheartedly that wherever you are tonight, friends, it smells better than here.
Bye for now,