Excellent. Decomposing mouse on the drive this morning, and a pile of Weekend Vomit by a lampost. I didn’t get quite near enough the latter, but I did have a chew of the former.
Well, bowing to HUGE public demand, I’m attempting a blog. I don’t quite see why my FB updates weren’t enough, but apparently we’re “having a go.” Don’t hold your breath, friends – She is useless at this sort of thing. Fully expect it to be an epic fail.
For any new friends, here is what you need to know. I’m Russell, I’m 4 and a half, which surprises many people by the river as they think I’m an old dog. This is due to my weight and lack of interest in puppies. I live with She (pack leader, or so She thinks), He, Lad and Young Lad. They are not a normal family. It worries me at times.
Here are the good things about me:
I’m very affectionate. Especially if you are holding a piece of food.
Er. That’s it.
Here are some other facts about me. I roll in fox poo, cow pats, decomposing rats and fish by the river, and anything else truly vile. (I have occasionally excelled myself by finding human excrement in the bushes.) I fart a lot and have trouble with my anal glands. I snore loudly. I steal food. I raid bins. I eat things from the bathroom waste bin that you wouldn’t think could be eaten. I bark at :
people with dark skin
people in wheelchairs
Large Neighbour over the back (I’ve really got a problem with him)
She says I’m the most un-PC dog ever, but I’ve no idea what she’s on about. She also says I have a weight problem, but frankly that’s a bit rich.
I don’t like being left on my own when they all go to school/work. She tried working full time recently for a few weeks – that REALLY pissed me off. No amount of dogwalking (thanks Pippa’s Pack Leader and Ebony’s Pack Leader) made up for it. So I had to show Her. I emptied bins, I ate a whole chocolate birthday cake, (Ha! £300 vet bill), I threw potato peelings all over the lounge floor. But She still didn’t get the message, so I had to escape through the back fence (Large Neighbour’s garden, I barked a lot) and run round the estate and over the rec, with Builder and Retired Neighbours chasing me. By the time She got a phone call and came back from work (muttering that she was in the middle of Something Important ), I had come home and was back in my armchair. She then had to run round the estate to find the Builder and Retired Neighbours and let them know I was back/thankyouverymuch/bloodydog.
Anwyay, it worked because she’s now part time again, and I just ignore the moaning about needthemoney.
It’s a strange house to live in. She seems to swear a lot these days, often at me, and has a friend called Gordon who often has an ice cube and slice of lemon with him. They all seem to argue a lot, and speak in code; “xbox/COD/GCSEs/getoffyourbloodyphone” seem to feature a lot in these arguments. I do love them all, but sometimes I do wonder about them. She bought a new duvet cover recently from somewhere called John Lewis – she seemed very smug and middle England about this, even though I know it was in the sale – but I could have TOLD her what a stupid decision that was! Yes, white looks nice the first time you make the bed, but if my glands leak a bit and it’s been raining outside, it’s not going to stay white, is it? It’s no good shouting at me.
She also says I’m a disappointment because she can’t go running with me. We’ve tried it a few times but it just doesn’t work as She’ll be up one end of the river waiting for me while I’m rolling in fox poo. Anyway, I’m saving her from a lot of indignity – some people just aren’t built for running, and She’s one of them. So we “power walk” (don’t make me laugh) for 3 miles up the fields.
To thank her for this morning’s “power walk” I’m now letting off some particularly fresh smells. The house did smell of cleaning spray earlier, but this is much better.
Anyway. I really can’t see that this blog thing will work – She could just about cope with FB though often failed to upload photos in the same post as the text, but this really will be a step too far. So if you are managing to read this, well done. Please share it with anyone else who might be vaguely interested. I realise that will be a small pool of people.
Bye for now,